well i finally went over the edge. i have been feeling depressed again lately-the cycles seem to be getting closer and closer. i have really been taking stock of my situation and life. i realized that what i have isnt good enough and i needed to be heard.<p>last night i finally broke down and told husband how i honestly feel. i started by telling him how good he is and that i do really love him, but that im not sure i have the strength to go on much longer. i am so emotionally drained and hurting, i just cant do it alone anymore. i told him that i feel as if i have the same old marriage back again, and i want one that is so much better. i gave him credit for what he has done, but told him that i wasnt sure it was enough.(i know i shouldnt have said this, but it really is how i feel.) in a thread yesterday, conquerer was mentioning getting remarried. if i was asked today-i would say no. he is aware of this too. i couldnt keep it all inside any longer-he has to be aware of how i feel. there is more but i have to get ready for work, ill post back at about 2:00 this afternoon.<p>i hope i didnt screw up too badly.

nikko<p>I cannot speak for your H or for any other WS, but I will speak for myself. As a FWS, I have appreciated my H telling me where he is at. Good, bad, or otherwise, for me, it is nice to know where he stands in the recovery process.<p>Sometimes these things have been hard to hear. He has told me more than once that he doesn't know if he has the strength to continue. That wasn't real nice to hear and it scared me to death. But it was an open line of communication. So far, from that communication, we have been able to talk things through.<p>So, in my opinion, it is a good thing (as a whole) to let your H know where you stand. Even if it isn't so good.<p>Regretting

(((Nikko))) I agree w/ regretting. Its ultimately better to let your H know exactly where you stand in the R. You have now given him the opportunity to do somethinmg about it if he so chooses. When our S made the choice to have an A and we didn't know about it, we weren't given the opportunity to do anything. I believe you did the right thing. I have been having those same type of feelings lately tho we are not yet at a crossroads. I know I do not want a M that is exactly like the old one except he doesn't cheat in this one. Thats not going to do it for me. He now knows this. And so now does your H. Take care, C

thanks guys for the support-i really neded it. i guess it is a good thing-i just wish it was easier to talk. he is a horrible communicator and im scared to say the wrong thing right now. i know there is a book about tough conversations-anyone know the author or can you suggest something else. i am gonna tell him tonight i am calling for and appt. with the harley's. hopefully he will too.

Nikko,<p>I'm sure feeling for you as I'm in much the same place. The name of that book you asked about is Difficult Conversations:<p>http://half.ebay.com/cat/buy/prod.cgi?cpid=5057339&domain_id=1856&meta_id=1

Try getting the love you want by Hav\rville Hendricks. it helps with conversations.
Hope it helps.
Hang in there,
Layli

thanks conquerer and layli, i will try to get them this weekend.

NIKKO,
I thought the way you expressed your thoughts and feeling were terrific!
Way to go!
I could use some help shooting those elephants myself. I believe you had every right & need "for yourself" to make those expressions.
It makes me think that you are healing!
Peace be with you,
HH

Hi nikko,<p>Just wanted to say that I think you are going through the normal stages of a very normal recovery. You build up, then release your anger/grief/pain on your WS, talk about it some more and then you are fine for another month. <p>I did this very thing for 10 months until I got it all out of my system. The reason that it followed the explosion/discussion/peace pattern is because neither of us felt comfortable talking about it openly so I would build up until it exploded and HAD to be addressed. <p>And always after I exploded, I would feel better for another month. This went on at varying degrees for about 10 months with the WORST explosions happening around 8 months. <p>I think one of the biggest reasons that it followed this pattern is because my WS was not entirely open with me and was still withholding information [and lying] from me. So everytime I needed to ask him a question I was met with a cagey defense witness mentality that made matters 10x worse! What a MAJOR LB!<p>Once he dropped that crap and realized that only openess and honesty would lead to a speedy recovery did things start to change. Our marriage is wonderful now, by the way. <p>Anyway, those are my thoughts because I see so many parallels between our situations because you seem to explode, as I did, once a month.

me too... once a month... like clockwork... you might also see if it coincides w/ your cycle... mine did... one week before... KABOOM...<p>Once I learned that, I was also able to step back and not KABOOM so much but could do what you did... honestly tell my feelings... <p>Hugs,
Cali

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Cali:
<strong>me too... once a month... like clockwork... you might also see if it coincides w/ your cycle... mine did... one week before... KABOOM...<p>Cali</strong><hr></blockquote><p>hehe Cali, same here!

thanks for the support all. i think im doing ok too.<p>as far as the cycling thing-i dont cycle! im on shots and i have no cycle at all. this is probably screwing me up even worse!lol<p>anyway-we do have to find a way to become more comfortable in talking to each other-im gonna bring that up tonight.<p>bye the way-i had a day for me today. went to the gym, shopping, and movies with youngest son. then treated myself to a pedicure. im all about me right now, and lovin' it!lol.

Are either of you in counseling?

cinderella- i was, but she was horrible, beyond horrible. my husband says he wont do counseling. i have told him that that is a priority for our recovery. i think eventually he will. i am going to make an appt. with the harleys soon-there is no one out where i live thats worth it. i'll find the money somehow.

Nikko, I'm glad you are having a better day. I just wanted to tell you to seriously think about getting some counseling for yourself. I cringed for so long about how much it cost, but finally decided to look at it as medicine for myself. I wouldn't go without necessary medicine would I, because if I didn't take it, I would just get sicker, and that wouldn't help anyone. I have found it to be the best thing I could do for myself. <p>I am a stronger person today, more sure of myself, my worth and my accomplishments than I have been in my entire life. I still have a ways to go. I initially went because I wanted it to help my M, but its turned out to help me, which funnily enough has made me H respect me more and work on our M more sincerely. I respect myself and I show it. <p>Counseling can really open your eyes to the destructive patterns that hurt YOU. I'm not talking necessarily about in R's, but how our own self-talk affects us on a daily basis, for example. My M is better than its ever been, tho we still have our bad times. <p>I know I wouldn't be as far along on my path to self-change and self-discovery if I hadn't done this for ME. Its medicine and taking care of myself all rolled into one. To better afford it, I found other ways to cut back so I could do it. I bought myself fewer clothes, we go out to eat much less often, etc. Its been very worth it to me. C [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]