I have been on this board for quite sometime now and I have been in this situation since D Day November 19 2000. That's the day my world change forever. I am sure most everyone here has a similar story and date.
What I don't understand, and probably never will, is ... Why. Why did this happen to us, I know all about the En's and the LB's that I've learned from the site, but the simple fact of the matter is, for the most part, we ( BS) don't deserve this, and we have to be the ones to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. How did this world come to this where people take little or no responsibility for their lives and actions. I have read a great deal of post here, and I am amazed at how incredible you all are. I know I can't be the only one feeling like doing Plan A is just being a doormat at times. What keeps us doing this ? I know some of it, in my case, is fear. Fear of being alone, Fear of having to start over again, and fear of the ramifications leaving will have on others in our lives.
I also know that Love is another part of it. We feel we can bring our WS's back from the depraved state they have allowed themselves to fall into. Well you know what.... I'm tired of it and sick of it. I am a great guy. I have supported my WW in every aspect of life. I have made every effort I can to meet her needs and you know what ?
It doesn't seem to matter. How I have allowed myself to give this childish women so much slack after all this time is truly a testimate to my own stupidity. I am 50 years old, and I am starting to think that the only reason I try to hang on to this is because I don't want to be alone. I know there is more to it than that, but I am angry at her, not for the A anymore, but for all the fence sitting and childish angst that goes along with this.
It's all nonsense and I can't help but wonder if I were younger, would I have left by now. I admire all of you BS's out there who fight to renew your M. You are honorable people who deserve so much better. I respect all of the WS's who communicate with their BS and try so hard to right their wrong. It just seems to me I am not one of the lucky ones. I am starting to believe that nice guys do in deed finish last, so may be it's time to become an A**H*L*. It beginning to seem that's what a lot of people want, even though they try to tell me differently. I am sorry for the rant, but I am P**SED OFF and so tired. Thanks for listening.

This could have been written by me. I feel the same frustration you do.

Tell you what, MarkH, we ALL ask ourselves the same questions; over and over, and there are no answers.<p>There is a point beyond which every single one of us just will not go. We just keep plugging along, take our beatings, perhaps see a glimmer of hope, sometimes we lose all hope, and sometimes they DO come around, back from the abyss, and sometimes they don't.<p>But you know what? I think the fact that we do this, the fact that we hang in there, and take the sensless abuse, is a testament to the very best of humankind; the belief that in the end, there is hope, sense, justice, and an innate goodness in all people; and all we are doing is trying to somehow help it come to the surface.<p>A noble and honorable thing; don't you think?

Mark - I am the WS and appreciate so much your words. You are absolutely right! I have not disclosed my A (mostly EA) with my H yet, but am trying desperately to break it off with OM. I know I have been selfish, not giving my H what he deserves, because like you, he is a great guy. I honestly don't know what caused me to think that I could cheat on him with no consequences, no guilt, no repercussions. I was wrong, plain and simple, but it is still taking all that I have to end this 6 month relationship. I have a question for you, if you don't mind...would it have been better for you not to know about your W's A? If she could end it and be done with it, would you prefer to have not known? I don't know your whole story, so maybe you could fill me on, but I'm just curious...maybe I am looking for some justification for ending it without telling?? Anyway, hang in there and I'm sorry for what you are going thorough.

Neverthought,<p>Wish I had picked that name because that's exactly the way I felt...I never would have thought that *I* would cheat on my husband.<p>All I can say is please, end all contact with OP immediately. Others here will demand that you confess to your h, but personally, I feel that's your decision. But you must end it now! Recognize the affair for what it is--lying, cheating, betrayal-unworthy of you.

Neverthought - <p>I'll jump in with a response to your question. It would never be better if I didn't know about my WW's A. Yes there is a lot of pain, but if you keep it inside it will continue to eat at you the WS. Also from a BS persepctive I want to know about the A not to make my WW feel bad but to understand and make sure we can create protection so it doesn't happen again (if it ever ends). I am aware of my WW's EA/PA? but she still refuses to talk about it and contact continues.<p>Yes the disclosure of the information may do great harm to your H and marriage but a secret is far worse. I think in the end no matter what happens you will be a better person for beng honest. It will allow you to move on with your life.<p>It goes without saying that you need to end the A, and the sooner the better.<p>Mark - <p>Not every marriage is meant to work. The MB principles are path to try and make it work but in the end it takes two to have a marriage. On the other hand I agree with Spacecase, it is worth the effort. Only you can decide when you have had enough nobody else can make that decision for you. I will say that I am proud of you as a person and the "Honor" you are looking for does exist in the world and in your mirror if you look at yourself.

Neverthought,
No, It would not have been better in my case. I believe that the only way marriage can work is with Honesty and trust. I don't believe that you need complete honesty like the MB principles ( Before you were together as an example). I won't soft peddle it for you, When she did tell me , it felt like my whole world came crashing down and it was a horrible feeling. I was able to get over that because I believe it happened because of her low self esteem more than anything else ( someone from High School she happened upon), and I do not think she was trying to hurt me. I do not know your H, so it's impossible to gage how he will react, but I believe he has a right to know. What has happened doesn't make you a bad person, you sound like a good person who is doing something wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, and if your H is anything like me, he will be devastated, angry and humiliated. But if you can go to him with an assurance that ALL CONTACT is over and tell him (honestly) it was a big mistake, He will eventually understand. Only then can you begin to heal your marriage and most of all yourself. It's risky to tell the truth, but if you do not get to the root of why it happened, one of two things will occur. You will have it happen again or you will be so overcome with guilt that it will tear you up inside. I admire your taking responsibility for your actions, and I hope this helps. There is no guarantee that it will all work out, but you can be sure if it continues you will have no chance of working it out. If you can't end all contact ask your H to help, But do be prepared for all the hurt you have caused him. He needs to work that out and if you read this site, there are a great deal of men here who pray their WW's could do what your thinking about doing. End the contact and tell your H, if for no other reason than it's the right thing to do.

NT:<p>" I have a question for you, if you don't mind...would it have been better for you not to know about your W's A? If she could end it and be done with it, would you prefer to have not known?"<p>I feel qualified to answer this question with a very LOUD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Check my sig line. My W had 2 As with the same OM. OMW, it turns out, knew about the first one and didn't tell me. If she had, I might have been able to prevent the second one.<p>"maybe I am looking for some justification for ending it without telling?? "<p>Yes, you are. It's not fair to your H. And frankly, it's not fair to YOU. Tell your H and let HIM help you break off contact. Your OM can't help you.<p>Mark: "I don't believe that you need complete honesty like the MB principles ( Before you were together as an example)."<p>I don't see any reason for not being completely honest with someone you're sharing your life with. Ask SC. His W is in an EA with a boyfriend she had before she met SC. She told him about other Rs she had before she met, but not this one. Did that make it right to have an EA with him? (SC, correct me if I'm wrong here). None of this rationalization makes any sense. Only complete honesty can help a couple make sense together of what's happened to them and what they feel.<p>I'll have none of anything short of complete honesty after what I've been through.

Neverthought and Frankly;<p>Of course it is always a personal decision whether to tell or not. But let's be very, very clear about this; if you don't tell, you may perhaps restore your M, but there will ALWAYS be the "secret" that you will have to keep from your spouse. And keeping that secret WILL affect your ability to be intimate, and your ability to be honest and unguarded FOREVER. And if you for even a moment believe that a fulfilling M can be achieved while there is that guardedness, I believe you are only deceiving yourself. Only postponing the inevitable deterioration of the R.<p>The secret does NOT protect the BS, and it only protects the WS for a short period of time. The consequences of the secret will come back to haunt you.

2L;
This is entirely correct:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I don't see any reason for not being completely honest with someone you're sharing your life with. Ask SC. His W is in an EA with a boyfriend she had before she met SC. She told him about other Rs she had before she met, but not this one. Did that make it right to have an EA with him? (SC, correct me if I'm wrong here). None of this rationalization makes any sense. Only complete honesty can help a couple make sense together of what's happened to them and what they feel.
<hr></blockquote><p>Not only did it not make it RIGHT to have the EA; the fact that it was undisclosed made it more LIKELY...and history showed, how over 20 years after the original relationship, my W is having an EA with this guy.<p>Not disclosing WILL come back to bite you!

Mark...<p>I have logged a lot of time here, too (March 2001) and I can tell you there are plenty of days that I have asked the exact same questions you asked in your initial post.<p>I wish I had answers for those questions but I don't...<p>All I can tell you from my standpoint is that I know I have a choice and for now this is what I choose. I may change my mind tomorrow, the day after, next week, next month but for now...today...this is MY choice. <p>In a way your post is a vent and an attempt to make sense out of the senselessness of all this. You can drive yourself crazy doing that.<p>I do not, however, feel like a doormat. I have said this before...no one who has the guts and determination to go thru what we have for the belief that commitment and devotion are things worth working and fighting for should feel the least bit doormatty (I think I made that word up).<p>Hang in there and take it a day at a time...<p>neverthought:<p>I think I said on your original post that if you told your H about what is going on in your life he may just surprise with his strength and commitment... I think you can see the strength and commitment that those of us who have been thru this have been able to muster to deal with all of this. Many of us are surprised that we had the ability to do wehat we are doing. <p>I would imagine our spouses are surprised too that we didn't cut and run or completely fall apart...even though this is devastating news when you get it. However Only you know your H here...if he were to react violently to what you may tell him or not be able to cope emotionally and do harm to himself or others, then I think you have to take that into consideration.<p>The people here are giving you their reaction and how they handled this type of news...only you can guage how your H would react.<p>Whatever you do, try to seek out some counseling for yourself to help YOU deal with this...I would urge you to continue to work toward endging contatc with the OM as soon as possible. I know it's hard but I sense that you really want to do this...Just do it...swoosh... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>E<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: Elad ]</p>

Hi neverthought. I think an affair has to be disclosed. When I cheated a year ago I got caught, OW told SO all about it, it was awful, but amidst the fright I felt, I also felt relief. Sometimes bringing things into the open helps take control. After this happened, I never went back to the OW, even though my SO left me for a month, and I felt very lonely and confused, when the A was in the open everything made more sense, and that was the basis for my therapy, for changing my life and for my SO to give me another chance. Telling your SO about your A does not guarantee that your R will survive, but your R is already pretty messed up and you will feel better about yourself telling the truth. If you can, ask your SO to go to couple therapy with you, perhaps that can help ease things and you can communicate better and rebuild trust. In my case there was no couple therapy and a year after the A my SO dumped me and is dating her boss. Tough, but somehow it makes sense, my A was with a coworker, I am going through something similar to what she went through a year ago. I am happy that she told me and left instead of cheating on me. I am stronger now. I love her and respect her and still hope she will return.<p>My thread.