Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get over my sensitivity to my H's porn?<p>Even before I found out about his 4 year A, two months ago, it really bothered me. He used to spend hours surfing it on the web. <p>He has a favorite site (which shall remain unnamed) where everyday they have a different girl, topless, in 4 different poses. They also have achives so if you miss a day you can go back and see what you missed. He says that's not porn...it's seen on beaches all over the world. He says every man does porn anyway and he thinks I don't understand men.<p>I've told him, for years, how much it bothers me. He told me he thought I was just being a 'baby'. He says 'It's not like I'm having an A with some 1 dimensional image'. (I now find out that he was doing that too, with a real woman. *sigh*) <p>He does say he understands my perspective better since D-day but that hasn't stopped him from still wanting to do it. In trying to meet his EN's, I said that if he needs to do it, I want to do it together so it's not some secret thing anymore. He has done alot of really good things in trying to save our M the last few weeks and I'd like to stop that from being a secret temptation for him.<p>Anyway, a couple days ago he took me up on my offer to do it together. I was surprised at how much it hurt to watch him gawk at other women's naked breasts and then comment on if they were nice or not.<p>Maybe I'm oversensitve right now. My self esteem has taken a hell of an emotional beating from years of porn. Then learning about his A just magnified it all drastically.<p>I have told him I want to get a breast job (I am small chested) so he doesn't feel the need to search everywhere else to have that need fulfilled. He says he doesn't want me to because he's happy with how I am. But his actions continue to speak louder than his words to me.<p>How can I get over my sensitivity to all this?<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: Extremely_confused ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Extremely_confused:
<strong>Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get over my sensitivity to my H's porn?.....I was surprised at how much it hurt to watch him gawk at other women's naked breasts and then comment on if they were nice or not.....Maybe I'm oversensitve right now. My self esteem has taken a hell of an emotional beating from years of porn. Then learning about his A just magnified it all drastically....How can I get over my sensitivity to all this?[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: Extremely_confused ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I know there are others on this board who will disagree with what I'm about to say, but I don't think you're the one with the problem; your FWH is. Porn is NOT a typical "guy" thing. Personally, I think it's extremely disrespectful for a married man to look at any other woman naked(even if they are only partially naked), whether it's on the computer, in strip clubs, or in a hotel room. Especially if the man KNOWS it causes his wife so much hurt. <p>I have no suggestions on how to deal with this problem -- there really is no "gray" area here to negotiate or compromise on, if you ask me. I know this situation has been discussed on this board before, so perhaps someone with personal experience with it can help you.<p>I'm so sorry you're going thru this - especially while you're trying to recover from your H's long affair. It's not fair, and I really feel for you. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hang in there...I wish you peace.<p>Lori

Well if you are following MB principles in your marriage, then for your H to use porn is a violation of the POJA. Your H's use of porn is a lovebuster.<p>BTW, see page 235 I believe, in the latest edition of LoveBusters. Dr. Harley doesn't address porn per se, but he does address masturbation - and it is definitely a marriagebuster.

Thanks so much for the words of support. I'm glad to know it's not all me.<p>The question I am still struggling with though, is why does he have a need to do this if he's as happy with my body as he says he is? Does it mean he's not telling me the truth or is there some other need that gets fulfilled that I'm not aware of.<p>When I ask him he says "It's a guy thing and all guys do it" etc. He has no clear answer that helps me understand this at all. <p>If the previous thread on this issue is still accessible, can anyone point me to it? I'd love to read it.

Off we go with the porn again.<p>I really must have the weirdest friends in the world, because they consider porn as something to look at to make fun of, or well something to look at when they haven't gotten any in so long that they fear they'll forget where everything goes and looks like LOL!!!<p>Seriously I think there is a problem with your H, thoughts move to action, and then suddenly wham! he is thinking of all this girls while having sex with you and off goes everything.<p>Some men believe that it is actually OK and actually amusing to think of other women (compelete strangers) while engaging in SF with their wives. Suuuuure, WHATEVER! I am sure they wouldn't be so happy if we were thinking of some HOT male actor or porn star.<p>Maybe you should install yourself into the... "Fine with me if you do it, but don't mind me while I look at this guy with a bigger thing than yours and a six pack".<p>I know I am bad, but maybe looking up a good female-oriented porn site and "accidentaly" leaving it up when he goes in the PC would ring his empathy bell.
If men are such visual creatures, then maybe the vision of a much younger, more athletic male being in your head with knock him to his senses.