I guess I have had a lot of time on my hands the last two days or so, which makes me think and wonder too much I guess. (I will be busy again next week)<p>There have been alot of post concerning Plan A recently, from the beginning I fully understood that Plan A was for me and not WH. That's not the problem I'm dealing with. I guess it is that I didn't write down the things that I wanted to work on and change about myself, so I have nothing to measure my success, I know that I have been successful in Plan A as far as me goes, I have more patience, I listen completely before responding, I chose how I say things, differently, more attune to others feelings, re ask what someone says so that I make sure I understand, I don't fly off the handle, I don't want to punish for every wrong that is done to me. I didn't make any physical changes as of yet.<p>WOW!! I did do alot of changing, I believe that most of those are visible to those around me. I guess.<p> I didn't change the things that needed to be changed to make me more attractive to my WH, and that is what is bothering me today. I had prayed and hoped so much that somehow things would change in my situation, and they haven't. That hurts!!<p>I was so devasted back in Jan 01, that I know that I did alot of begging and pleading at first and hauled us to different counselors as my WH said hoping that one of them would wave their magic wand over him and puff his feelings for OW would go away. When they didn't, I just kind of ignored the situation and went on with my life with the new roommate that I had, kept appearences up for the kids sake til June of 01, when kids were told, seperated Aaug 01. I asked WH to look at MB and he did, and then said that his situation was so different and unique from any that he read here that the site wouldn't help him.<p>I guess with the end being so near I am wondering did I not do something in the beginning that I should have, should I have done more? I just kind of left WH alone to do his own thing, never really LB'd much, just didn't see the point!! Well except for that one phone call after the e mail mix up!!!<p>I wonder if I would of rocked their boat, poked around a little if that would have done any good.<p>I just kind of feel stuck right now, like I didn't do enough, and "if only" I could go back and try this or that. <p>Again a long post and I am sorry, I promise I will be busy next week and wont have ttime to think!!!<p>Just let me know if you understand what it is I am trying to say here or just have a comment to make, all input is appreciated, it helps me to learn and be a better me.<p>Thanks all,
Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 15, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

^bump^
need to know someone understands me!!
Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

o... I understand... I'm on the other end... wondering if I poked too much... wondering if he's really here for him... or just because...<p>I think in the end that if you are happy w/ the changes that you have made... that is what is important... <p>How did the changes he wanted you to make fit into the ENs? I think the Harleys would say that if it is in Hs top 5 that it is in your best interests to change. (hence my fitness quest starting Monday).<p>Hugs,
Cali

Daybreak ~<p>That's the problem with Plan A. It doesn't always "work". ("Work" defined as bring the WS back home into recovery.)<p>That's why I harp so much about motivations. And that's what I am going to address to you now.<p>When you are focused on a specific outcome...ie...I'll do ABC so that XYZ will transpire....it's called control and its called trying to force a solution.<p>It's what we do when instead of drawing boundaries to protect ourselves, we instead try to force others to change what they are doing to make us feel safe and happy.<p>So what you are asking is what could you have done differently...to have gotten a specific outcome.<p>The answer is, probably nothing. You see, your husband is a complete free individual. And he can do whatever he wants, and make any choices he pleases with the same freedom that you have. <p>You can't force him to come home. <p>I know, you weren't trying to control...but your motivation for change was to get a specific outcome.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I didn't change the things that needed to be changed to make me more attractive to my WH, and that is what is bothering me today. I had prayed and hoped so much that somehow things would change in my situation, and they haven't. That hurts!!<hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm...God's timeline isn't ours. And I will be willing to bet that there ARE changes, just not the specific ones that you are expecting and trying to accomplish through self-will.<p>There is no guarantee EVER in plan A that it will bring your spouse back to the marriage. It just gives you the best possible chance should the spouse start to have second thoughts.<p>The result, no matter the outcome of the marriage, is that a better YOU is the end product.<p>My sponsor used to tell me that I would continue to be met with the same situation until I had learned whatever lessons I needed to learn from it.<p>And I can't tell you how many times I have called her and said, OK, I learned my lesson, how come it hasn't changed? And she'd say, BR, you didn't learn the RIGHT lesson yet!<p>And sure enough, once I had learned THE lesson in any situation, things resolved themselves pretty quickly, often in unexpected ways.<p>God's timeline and God's imagination is far bigger than mine. His answers are not usually the ones I had picked for me, but His answers are always better than what I had in mind.<p>Let go of your H. By your post above, its clear that you haven't. You are still arguing with God about His plans for you.

Cali,
I am happy with the changes that I made, still have plans for the physical one.<p>WH would never say what his EN's were so am not sure what they are either, so focused on me.<p>BR,
Thanks you, your insight is always right on. I thought that I let go and I feel that I have, I can live with whatever outcome there is as it will be God's will. I guess I still think that God needs my help sometimes. Tonight is a good example of that.<p>I see in peoples sig lines, "2 weeks before DV. WH asked for me to dismiss" or things along those lines and I guess that I would like to have that type of outcome so am pushing too much, think I have learned that.<p>My marriage had been a success, I married when I was 18 and was told many times it was a mistake that it wouldn't last, it did for 20 years, we had 3 beautiful kids, we were there in support of each other, we loved each other. I just don't want to be a failure and I guess that was how I was seeing my marriage.<p>Again thanks for the insight!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 16, 2002: Message edited by: daybreak ]</p>

Hi Dawn,<p>Throwing in my 2 cents here!!! <p>Understand that these plans (a/b) are about you and not the Ws. The Ws has no clue or care about any plans except their own. <p>With that fact forced in our faces here's how you can handle 'it'. <p>1. Don't teach or tell the WS what to do. Periodically as calmly as possible remind the WS that you can't tell them what to do. (watch out the LB comments tend to slip in at this time - but if you are in plan B it may not matter just be careful). <p>2. It is ok to let the WS know your feelings and disappointments. Just make sure you aren't whining when you get any part of a listening ear. Keep it as short but action packed as possible. Putting it in an e-mail or letter is helpful. Write that letter in advance and keep revising it until it looks right. <p>3. Strengthen your support and yourself. Plan B will work when U are emotionally ready. Your mind will be ready long before your heart is and you need to execute plan B when your mind and heart are in unison. re: It will take every ounce of strength you have to convince yourself to execute plan B and for most of us relief come fairly quickly. The anticipation is what distorts the real effects of plan B. <p>4. Don't tell the WS all your plans. Don't meet the WS needs while in plan B. Don't let the WS manipulate you into spilling your guts. <p>5. Know that the WS will try to anger you into doing their dirty deeds for them and take the blame for being the bad guy. Know that the WS will try to walk away fairly scott free. Know that the OW has more input right now on your life than either you or the WS may realize. <p>6. In some cases, the OW thrives on controlling the BS by dictating or predicting the BS actions and reactions. Don't give the WS or OW that satisfaction. Even if it means getting your point across or accomplished via a longer route. In my case, the OW even said that she was not happy that she could not predict my actions any longer and that now she felt both her and the WS needed to be in 'fear of the BS'. Wow, that really energized me!!! <p>7. Don't answer the WS right away. Allow yourself time to think about it. Let them wonder what you are up to. It is healthy for their fogheads to wonder. After all the rest of their body has been wandering around anyway. LOL!! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>JMHO,

Thanks Orchid, <p>Am ready to go to bed, did go over post and will digest what you have written overnight.<p>Am wondering since I have not answered WH last e mail if he will be looking here to see what it is I might be upto. He knows that I come here for support. Did state that he would not come back here again as there was nothing good here. Visited just a few weeks ago!!<p>And with that I say good night!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]