Bumping myself...<p>I could really use some encouragement... any FWHs out there especially, can you help me translate the fogspeak?

I don't know what to think....<p>I haven't replied to H's emails. I figured I might get one today since he was planning on coming over to mow the lawn, etc... thought he'd let me know what time he'd be here. No email. I get home, the lawn is mowed, sunglasses and his mail are gone, didn't leave receipts like he said he would in the last email. He also didn't leave his tip money from work - he may not have any if he's been working manager shifts rather than server - but said last Saturday that he didn't want to carry it around because he thought he would spend it.<p>I was afraid he might move more of his stuff out, but it doesn't look like he took anything.<p>I am driving myself nuts trying to figure out what's going on in his head. Does he think I'm mad? Is he mad because I have not replied? Does he just think he's "intruding" so he's honoring my request by not making contact? Is he missing me at all? Anybody else in no contact/Plan B thinking this stuff?<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know I have to stop worrying so much about him and what he's thinking... it's so hard. I am taking care of myself. I saw my regular doctor today and she gave me Ambien to help me sleep, Zantac to help my stomach, and a hug.

Jellygirl,<p>If you want get some idea of how he is feeling, when he offers to do those things tell him that you don't want to put him out. For example, when he offers to mow the lawn, tell him you appreciate his offer but you don't want him to have to bother with it so you HIRED someone to come and do it. <p>His response might tell you where his head is at. Your response tells him that you are not MAD, that you are thoughtful enough to not want to put him out. You could also throw in the fact that since you are seperated now, that you might as well learn to start fending for yourself. <p>My WS and I broke up once when we were dating and it was a very similar situation - and my reaction - that made him wake up and come back.

JG,<p>Hey, this is my 500th post - cool!<p>Anyhow, I just wanted to say "hang in there" from someone else who's in a very similar spot as you - this is day #16 of Plan B for me.<p>What you're describing for your H is very similar to what I'm seeing for my WW. She e-mailed me 4 times between Monday and Wednesday - trying to make it sound business, but kinda wanting a response. I had to reply to the very first one - was warranted - kept it strictly business. I haven't replied to any of the others. She hasn't sent anything today, so I do wonder about what's up with her a little - curious but not torn up...<p>Take heart knowing you aren't alone, and your H's behavior is not unique.<p>I personally suspect your H is making excuses for contact, or at least spending some time in a familiar environment. I say "hold firm" and see where things go. After 2 weeks, re-evaluate... if you have the will and stamina, you might consider extending it a little more, especially if he's showing signs of coming towards you.

Hi jelly girl!<p>Sorry you've been talking to yourself some on here! <p>Well, I actually just spoke with my XWH, and I read him your questions. HIS opinion - based on how HE felt this time last year, is as follows: <p>Your H CARES about you, and wants to make sure you are ok, but this stuff doesn't really mean he misses you. He misses his LIFE, but not necessarily YOU. He's not ready to throw his marriage away - or walk completely out the door. He's afraid of making a big decision like that.<p>Make sense?<p>Now... I'm trying to think what I would have told you if I hadn't gotten his opinion... You are right, that trying to figure him out is useless. XWH actually just confirmed that for me as well. Your WH doesn't really understand all this himself - so how in the world can YOU understand him??? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Melodylane gave you some good advice, but it was geared more in a Plan A style. I'm confused... are you in PLan A or B??? If you havent written a Plan B letter, then you should be following Plan A stuff (meeting his EN's and avoiding LB's). A little space is ok - gives you time to breathe a little and get yourself together, but if you haven't actually given him a Plan B letter, then I think you should start making some gentle Plan A efforts.<p>Whattya think?<p>BTW... that's the first time *ever* that helpful/insightful words from my XH have ever been posted here. You should feel honored!!! LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... it actually made him feel good... to be able to provide some insight... to be able to try to help you... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] (yay!)

You know, you guys really rock. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I just got back from running some errands and was feeling pretty low and alone... but I got back on here and look at all these responses! Thank you!!<p>MelodyLane, I thought about doing that, but I didn't because one of the problems in our relationship was him taking responsibility for things and me allowing him to do it. Not sure which one is more important. Good to know that you got that response, I'll have to think about it some more.<p>J.R., I am honored that your 500th post was on my thread! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I've been reading your posts and you have definitely been an inspiration to me! 16 days sounds like an eternity, but in a way I can see that it might get easier each day. It is interesting to see how they react to this. I'm doing my best to hold on till the end of the two weeks... especially because I think that he thinks I can't do it... but I'm still not sure if I should send him just a brief thank you or not... Anyway, my plan is to not be sitting by the phone waiting for his call when the two weeks are up... I think that will shock him a bit as well. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Faith1, I really appreciate your XWH's insight, please thank him for me, and thank you for asking him! It does make sense... but is this even in light of the fact he's said he's done? I don't know if his backpedaling on moving out was because it's a big scary decision or because he knows how much this is hurting me and he's trying to make it easier. I definitely agree that he probably can't figure himself out, so how the heck could I? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm not really in Plan B... I've been Plan A-ing to some degree for about 6 months, pretty solidly for the last 2-3 until last week. I'm looking at this as a combo of Plan B and Michele Weiner-Davis' After the Last Resort Technique. I figured I would see how things were after the two weeks and then decide to go to a true Plan B or back to Plan A. I wanted him to have a taste of what living without me would be like. Two weeks is probably not long enough, but since this occurred unexpectedly, it was the best thing I could come up with at the time.<p>So I'm not sure what to do... do I keep the no contact strictly, or do I maybe send him a brief email thanking him for mowing the lawn? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

OK, Personally, I think a short thank-you will be good. you are not really in Plan B, you 2 didn't lay down any real groudn rules... and he's being polite, so I think you should too. <p>"giving him a taste of life without you"... actually comes with a solid Plan B, WITH a Plan B letter that you should let us help you with, and shuld FOLLOW an excellent plan A, during which you comunicate to your H that you love him, want to to be married, want happiness for him, and want to work on the marriage.<p>I think waht you're doing is ok... and I think a thank you note is fine. But do continue your lil bit of 180's work for these 2 weeks.<p>hang in ther... keep us posted, and keep reading, k?

I don't have advice to offer, but just wanted to say hang in there. Try to keep busy and vent here on MB. I know that helps me. Take care.

Faith1, thanks for the advice... until you said it I didn't realize this was a 180 of sorts.<p>So this morning I sent him this:<p>***************************
Thanks for mowing the lawn.<p>Love,
(JG)
***************************<p>It's short, to the point, there's nothing about how I am, nothing asking how he is, and it's simply signed 'love' and not gushy or anything.<p>I will probably start working on a Plan B letter over the weekend or early next week. I have a concern, though - every time the OW would come up H would insist that his feelings for her had nothing to do with our M, that he had separated them, etc. Not even the MC telling him she was part of what was impeding our progress seemed to make a difference. So if I send him this letter, even if I emphasize that I love him, I acknowledge my part of the problems, etc., I'm afraid he will focus on that one thing - that I'm still harping on her being a big part of the problem. I'm afraid that will ruin the rest of the effect of the letter...<p>hindering_us, thanks for your support, I am going to try to do just that, I hope you can keep it up as well. Best of luck to you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

jelly girl,
regardless of his current feelings toward OW (and personally, I think what he is saying is typical fog), your marriage cannot be recovered as long as there's contact with her. It's not that you need to "harp" or "blame" in the letter, but that you are simply stating that you can not be in contact with him as long as OW is in his life in any shape or form. <p>It seems like some people include wording like this to take the focus even less off the OP. "As soon as you agree to end all contact with OW, and we can agree on a plan to repair the marriage, then I will be happy to resume contact with you."<p>I knew that my XH wanted to be friends after the D (and I KNEW he would need me again someday for something), so I had to say that if he ends contact with OW, we can discuss any future relationship - marriage or friendship. I'm glad I said that, because very soon after the D, the A ended, and he wanted to be friends. He understands we can't be friends if OW is in his life AT ALL.<p>ok... so... have you looked through the PLan B sample letters yet? See how they word that stuff about the OW. Even though H says it's not a biggee - it is a biggee to YOU. <p>Yep - he will pick and choose what to focus on in your letter. But all you can do is tell him you love him, want to be married, set the conditions for contact, and let him choose his path. <p>Plan A is about letting him do whatever he wants while you wait, improve yourself, and meet his needs. Plan A is about YOU doing most of the work - taking the initiative - and fighting for the marriage. Plan B puts the ball in HIS court - HE will have to improve and meet YOUR needs in order to have a relationship with you. <p>right? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I know, I know... she has to go... I don't have any problem with that - I would be happy to forget she ever existed, personally. I can just see H's reaction - "You have tunnel vision" or some crap. Ugh.<p>That wording sounds good... I need to look at more Plan B letters. I like what you said to your XH - no relationship of any kind. I think my H thinks we'd be friends after splitting up... um, no. I'm not sure I could be friends with him after a D, OW or no OW. <p>Yup, you're right. I need to solidly put the ball in his court if he hasn't seen some light after these two weeks. I worked my butt off (literally and figuratively!) doing Plan A... now it's his turn to do something... but there's still that fear that he won't. Sigh.<p>I found out by coincidence this afternoon that he went out of town to see friends yesterday. He stayed overnight and came back this afternoon. I know he saw a couple who just had their first child... I wonder what that made him think. Oh, yeah, I'm not supposed to do that anymore.<p>I asked another friend who saw him how he was... her comments were "he's friendly, but he's fronting. He doesn't let us see the pain we know must be there."<p>Sounds like he's still avoiding his feelings by keeping busy. Sigh. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]