It seems to me that most of the people in these forums are victims. I don&#8217;t know how you all do it. That is, get over it. I don&#8217;t know if I would have to will to even try. I have never been hurt like most of you have. But yes I am guilty of the crime. <p>I tried to end my A several times over the last two years but I didn&#8217;t know how. I stayed in contact with the OW. I didn&#8217;t understand that I was going through withdrawal every time I tried to end it. I thought I must be in love with the OW. The last time I tried to end it was when my wife discovered she had a lump in her breast. I was sure to end it this time. After all, my wife really needed me now, more than ever. So I met with the OW to say my goodbyes. It was understood that the A was over. We agreed not to see each other. Of coarse it would be harmless to talk on the phone, wouldn&#8217;t it? So I would go for a week or two without talking to her and then we would talk on the phone. We would tell each other how much we missed each other and loved each other. (Stupid huh) <p>When my wife was diagnosed with cancer I was still in contact with the OW. During the time my W was going through surgeries and treatments my feeling to see the OW were strong. But I would only talk to her on the phone. I wanted to be with her so much. With everything my W was going through I was still thinking of the OW. I thought &#8220;I must really love this woman&#8221; Soon after my W started Chemo I saw the OW again and it started all over. <p>A few months later the OW ended the A. I was devastated and depressed. I actually became Ill. I couldn&#8217;t eat or sleep and started to lose weight. (Great diet) Of coarse the OW wanted to stay in contact with me so it was impossible to get over her. A couple of months later my W figured most of it out and I told her the rest. We called the OW on the phone together to tell her not to make contact with me again. My W wants to fix our marriage. <p>I have caused my W tremendous pain. I think the thing that hurts her most is that she has found out that I am not the man who she thought I was. I lied, deceived and cheated. She also has concerns that I am only with her because I was dumped. I feel extremely guilty for what I have done. I don&#8217;t really deserve such a wonderful woman. <p>My wife said to me that she thinks things happen for a reason. She thinks god gave her cancer to save her marriage.

I think the thing you need to remember is everyone makes mistakes. the fog can really mess you up. You know affairs are like addictions. They are very hard to break. You just need to come here, read a lot, get tons of support and thank god every day that you have a loving wife. Let that keep you strong and keep your eye on the ball. All us BS are waiting for our WS's to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You're on your way out so rejoice. You aren't the only one who feels ashamed and bad. Plenty of other WS's poat here all the time. Read their posts. You might feel better.
Stay strong and love her every second!
Good luck and keep us posted!
Layli

Ray....I agree with layli in that you should come here for support and read all you can. When we fully understand what we have done to our spouses then we can start to recover our marriage. I know the guilt is so heavy that sometimes you don't know how you can go on but that is part of what I think is Gods way of dealing with us. I view this as Gods way of embedding in our brains what we have done so we don't make the same mistake. The key is fully understanding how severely we hurt our spouses and be willing to do anything to make our marriage better. The key point to recovery is the WS has to take the lead in implementing the MB principals. <p> I think God works in ways that we don't understand sometimes(wifes cancer) but he is always doing things to make us be closer to him.<p> I am praying that your marriage will be restored to a much better relationship than what was before.<p> Love in Christ<p> cajunky<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

Hi Ray,<p>Welcome to MB. Your perception is fair. Many come here are the 'victims'. But there are many more of the silent majority victims who are not heard from. They range from spouses, children, parents, siblings, cousins, family, friends, pets, neighbors, workmates, classmates, etc. In some cases the OPs and their families are also victims of sorts. <p>The point here is to recognize the problem and get the correct help/assistance. There is much to learn here but you need professional assistance as well. To abandon your W in her time of need for something like an A or EA shows you have an unhealthy addiction. I am not trying to make you upset but that is what you show in your account. <p>So read the basic concepts section located at the top of this page. read the letters to dr Harley and find the books surviving an affair and his needs/her needs both are by Dr. Harley. <p>Get to a counselor ASAP for yourself or if you can do a phone counseling session with STeve or Jennifer. They will help you see where you are and where you need to be. <p>Your W is a very patient person. You are quite fortunate to have such a caring W. Now you need to put her needs ahead of your own and reap the rewards int he saying "there is greater happiness in giving than there is in receiving.'<p>Take care,