OK, boy, sometimes life can throw you some curveballs and you just don't know what to do with them! It has been a year this month since the D-day of when H found out about my A. We have been through so much in that time. Alot of therapy, alot of crying. He went through deep depression and was on medicine (I think he still is on it). Also.... during this time, he was without a job and has since started a business, which is great.... however financially we are strapped for a bit.<p>The good thing to come out of all of this. We have become better friends. He has learned to control his anger and verbally abusive ways. I have learned to stand up for myself and to tell him when I don't like things. (I used to get shot down and berated before until the spirit was sucked out of me.)<p>In so many respects our marriage is better and stronger. The communication is better, the respect, the focus on the family and future. The sex still hasnt come back though. I just don't have the desire that I should have for him...he wants passion and the whole lust-thing... i'm trying, but never been good with faking it.<p>Now.....just this week, I find out something I've suspected all along. He has had a A...and it actually was happening a year ago. He never mentioned it in therapy, even though I asked him several times point-blank about this particular woman.<p>The weird thing about it all......is i'm NOT depressed, NOT really even mad, I understand. I am a bit numb though. Its as if everything I knew to be true, isnt... and the rug was pulled out from under me. (I guess he felt that way as well). I'm just glad its out in the open now, hoping to clean our slates and just start from here, what more can we do? ya know??<p>I re-read Surviving An Affair, and this time I was on the BS side. It felt different. I felt the pain differently. I also re-read The Verbally Abusive Relationship-- I had related so much with that book. The good news is... we have come sooo far from the time when the relationship was abusive, so that made me feel good.......almost made me mad that I put up with some of the stuff before.<p>Soooo, anyone been in this situation??? Been accused and guilty of an A...when all along the BS was guilty of the same thing????<p>Thanks for listening......had to let out some feelings!

Somewhat the same situation here. I had a crush so to say on this guy before we got married, but he knew I was about to get married, so he kept some distance. I about called off the whole weding because of him, but my husband kept telling me how much he loved me, and I asked myself this one question, who could I turn my back on and walk away from forever? I decided I couldn't turn my back on my H. The guy was the DJ at my wedding and afterwards some of my friends asked me why he just kept staring at me during the whole reception (they knew we were friends, but nothing else, I felt too ashamed to of had those feelings) and the truth came out. We worked at the same place, so right after I got married, he quit. He was coming back to work there a few months later, so I quit, didn't want to be in that situation again.
That's why during this whole thing, I never once demanded that my H leave the OW. I knew it would run it's course, and I just made sure everyday he knew how much I loved him, and worked on changing me. I understand what he is going through, that is why I know to give him his space right now. He feels ashamed for what he did, just as I did once.
I actually saw the guy about a year ago. I was with my H and me and the OM just looked at each other, and kept walking. It was 6 years ago since that happened, and I didn't have an ounce of any feeling towards him. Actually I'm glad I stayed with my H, the OM looked like hell!

I am very interested in part of your post. I haven't found out my H also cheated on me, but I had always thought that something had happened at some point. He says not, I have to believe him. Anyway, that's not what caught my eye, it was what was going on in your marriage. <p>My husband just recently admitted he has a problem with anger. He said since my A it has been even harder for him to control. I think he is finally beginning to see the affects it has on our marriage. Every outburst makes me question my desire to continue in the M. Luckily his parents are talking to him, helping him to see what he is doing. They sort of feel responsible for helping me I think because they say he's been like this since he was a child. His dad raised him very strict and harsh when he was young. He has since chilled, but the damage is done. <p>The other day after an "incident" he came to me and said he needs to get counseling, he is out of control and he realizes it. He was crying and it was really hard for him to say. I told him I still loved him, that I had "issues" and I wouldn't want him to turn his back on me for them. I was just so relieved he admitted it!!! <p>I plan to help him get into counseling. Like you said, I am starting to put my foot down more too when he gets in attack mode. This was causing the arguments to escalate. I'm sorry, but I'm going to defend myself. He didn't like that, he always took that as I was involved with OM again. <p>Does any of this sound familiar to you? How are you and your H handling your arguments now? I love my H, this is the one thing that I think could truly change the condition of our marriage. I am so sick of walking on egg shells!!!<p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

What a mature response to your finding out about Hubby's A. Sounds like the therapy did some good for the both of you, even if he didn't come clean! Not sure I could have handled it as well. Good Luck! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for the input. <p>Its been a few days since I've looked back at this question... FindingMyWayBack...i'd suggest you reading the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", it was an eye-opener for me....and EVERYTHING in it described my whole marriage. It was refreshing actually, to see it in print, made me realize I wasnt imagining some of the things...(its called denial and you begin to doubt yourself).<p>Its interesting that we both had A's, Finding. I think that was our way of getting back, perhaps. I know I had to find out if I even wanted sex anymore, cuz my sex drive had long been stomped out by the anger from him and my resentment of it all.<p>YEssss, it all sounds very familiar to me! Mine would NEVER say he was sorry tho..NEVER. And when I would bring it up, he would have no clue he had done anything wrong. It talks about an Anger Addict, how it goes in cycles, and they get their 'fix' by ranting and raving...or sometimes just a good zinger. It hurts the rest of the people, but they feel better.<p>I began to feel numb, to shut it all out, to make excuses. People even told me he was being wrong to me...and I didnt want to believe it.<p>Well, after reading that book, almost 2 yrs ago, he realized he had to do something about it. I almost left him. He began reading alot of books on anger and worked on controlling it. Its a long story, but we have come a long ways.... ummm, he found out about my A...and we went into counselling...<p>In counselling we dealt with the A as well as his anger, etc. We have been in counselling for a year (his anger is much better)... umm, but now I've found out that HE had an A too! sheeeeeesh!<p>But, I kept a diary of years ago...of some of the angry moments becuz i would try to erase them from my memory as if they never happened. It was interesting when I read them to him during therapy. He was so ashamed as well.<p>Write me again, Finding, seems we have alot in common......good luck!