Through my life I had gone through different kinds of abuse, physicall, verbal, you name it, I've had it.<p>Through my entire life I have gotten pushed, stomped, laughed at, and humiliated, any kind of bad experience, you name it, I've got it more than twice.<p>I got married thinking that, for once in my life I had found a man, a real one, grown up, someone I didn't have to educate, or help getting through traumas, etc etc.
Too bad I was wrong, as sooo many other times.<p>I went through 2 years of hell while being married, I can't say anything else but I HATE being married, I hate the word wife, it seems all so fake, so much of a charade.<p>He was not a good husband, not a good friend, he didn't care of anybody but himself, and if he did he still was too busy thinking of everybody else to help me out.<p>I went through life like a ghost, I was once full of life, happy on who I was, how I looked, and what I did, I was selfconfident, with wonderful friends who never gave me their backs and would go through a bullet shower just to help me get through life. I wanted to be who I was, I admitted to being happy I admitted to being lucky, and I enjoyed everyday as if it was the last.<p>I had turned into not even a mere shadow of who I once was, not because I had chosen to, it got beaten up out of me.<p>If I had to choose in between marrying my xWH and one of the many men I rejected before him, I think I never would choose my xWH again.<p>Yes I know, I am still with him, no point in what ifs, they are stupid and break more than they could possibly repair, but I guess I needed to let that into writting.<p>If he ever lied to me again I could walk out and be happy about it, walk out before I was married to him for 20 years, with kids, and a house. Walk away before I left the best years of my life get wasted with someone that cannot and would not give a damn.<p>I am just ranting, I am raving. I cannot do anything else but let it out.<p>I know life is hard, and that there are many people out there that seem to exist only for the purpose of hurting and creating traumas for everybody, but you know what? I never gave in, I never made anybody hurt because someone made ME hurt, I never went around claiming that "I was traumatize so I did so and so". <p>I decided I was better than that.<p>I know we are all different and we all handle stuff differently, but please someone tell me I am right when I rant about this, someone tell me I am not just some kind of special case, some nut case, that can go through the worse pits of hell, and still have faith in people. <p>I am sorry I am just having a hard time today.....

Ok AlostWife, why the rant? What's going on? <p>Hugz,
L.

I guess I have been really thinking about... <p>Why am I staying with this H of mine?????<p>Yes, he is doing all he can to make the M work, but sometimes it is soooo difficult for me to love him!<p>The problem I guess is that he waited untill my LoveBank was in negative thousand to try to be sincere, and even then, he still thought he had the luxury of making me play Detective with him and had to interrogate him for over 3 months after d-day to squeeze all the remaining dirt out of him. He kept trying to protect everybody but it was ok to let everybody else pick on me.<p>I am just trying to love him, I really am, sometimes I can, I truly can, but at times like today, I just can't seem to understand what am I waiting for? <p>I have no beautiful wedding to remember, no wonderful courtship, no ring of any kind, no memmories of a nice relationship that aren't dirt compared to what he did to me.<p>All the time I was married to him I thought I was fighting for a man that never existed and that now he is trying to fabricate.<p>I am confused Orchid, i am so dizzy within my own thoughts I really cannot stand anymore.<p>Help? <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Hey Alostwife!
Consider yourself hugged. You have been going through it for a long time--too long, huh?<p>I still have high hopes for you! You can get through this rough time...<p>It's difficult to see a situation in an objective way when it is sooo heated. What if you took some time to write down the good qualities about your spouse and then on a separate sheet, write down a few things he could work on.<p>Pray about the stuff he could work on, and share with him only the good qualities you wrote down. Sometimes if we focus on the good things it brings them out all the more???<p>Now, on the other hand, if this relationship is UNHEALTHY for you and you are beginning to believe that, it's a different story! I have said this countless times but I do really believe that there is something unhealthy about ourselves when we stay in unhealthy relationships. Maybe try to figure out that first--what is unhealthy about you that you would stay in such a sick situation... I hope that doesn't sound too ugly, but just try to think about it.<p>Do you think it is because you got used to being kicked around that perhaps you don't believe you deserve anything better??? If so, that is NOT TRUE! You deserve to be loved the way God intended for you to be loved--as Christ loves the Church and gave His life for it.<p>Are you feeling better today???

Hmmm, you're 22 years old, you've only been married for three years,and you have suffered through three Ddays over two years. It sounds like your husband has done little in your relationship to show his love/make love bank deposits. He has treated you terribly. The early years of marriage are supposed to be the "easy" ones, where you build a happy foundation. Later come increased stress- children, financial issues, career issues...that often erode a relationship. That's why so many posters on this site are in their 40's, with 2 or 3 kids. To have this much trouble so early in the relationship is a very bad sign. You are right to be skeptical.<p>I know this is a marriage building site, but not all marriages can work. If I were in your shoes, I'd be seriously questioning my commitment. You are young and you don't have children. You can walk away with minimal damage. You could learn from this relationship and use your knowledge to find a man who will cherish you.<p>#1- Is your H a serial cheater? I don't know if these Ddays were multiple women or the same woman. You are early in the marriage- you don't want to go through this 20 years later, when you have 3 kids. You need to answer this question. Actually your H has to answer it. He needs to prove his belief in fidelity and commitment, and assure you that he has taken steps to ensure this will never happen again.<p>#2- DON'T get pregnant. If you stay together, you will need several years to build your marriage and create the happy, loving foundation that wasn't created.<p>#3- Get counseling. If you come from a background of abuse, you have alot of issues to deal with. You may have difficulty standing up for yourself. You may accept shoddy treatment because you are used to being treated that way.<p>#4- Work on your independence. Do you work? Do as much as you can to educate yourself/get a good career. Having a job that you feel proud of and enjoy empowers you and gives you choices. It's important that you know you can walk away from your husband and survive ON YOUR OWN. You should not feel trapped into staying with your H because of economics or inability to cope with the outside world. Work on YOURSELF, to feel strong, proud and brave. <p>#5- You should discuss your feelings with your H, but be careful. Don't lovebust. He needs to know he must make a huge effort to save his marriage and repair the damage. If he has that knowledge and still doesn't make the effort... you should walk. Because your M will never survive in the long run.<p>Good Luck!

BINthereDUNthat,<p>Thanks so much for your reply. It is always good to know someone has faith in us.<p>My xWH has been acting wonderfully for the past 6 months. He hasn't spoken out of line much, he is human afterall. He is very careful with lbing me, and knows very well what kind of hell he's put me through.
He is completely remorseful, he has cleared his mind and spirit, he doesn't yell, isn't short of temper, and tries to be nice to everybody. <p>He says that I have been the one single person on his life that has guided him in a way that made him grow and feel good about himself.<p>He is doing ok, but now I am the one that has the problem. I feel like, even though he is 7 years older than me, I am the one that is 10 years above him. I don't understand it, and it makes me feel old, and tired.<p>I am very young and I know I deserve to be treated well. To be respected, honored and cherished. None of my previous boyfriends would even dream to yell at me or criticize my looks, I was happy, but they weren't what i was looking for, and my xWH fabricated exactly what I wanted so I'd date him, and he has said so himself.<p>I am just saddened that the man I though I knew, loved and married, exists no further than in my imagination, and now I am left with an extranger, that, even though is trying his darnest, still needs to find himself, and I cannot help him there.<p>You see I already found myself, I know who I am, what I want, what I deserve, and how to get there on my own.... sometimes he feels like a dead weight, not a partner, if you can understand what I mean...<p>(I am feeling better BTW ;-))<p>espoir,<p>Thanks for your reply as well, yes you hit the nail on the head. The first years of marriage are suppossed to be the easy ones, and I was prepared for anything. When I married I thought about it very hard, it not only represented my commitment, but also being separated from a country I had grown in and loved, knew and I wanted to grow old in, my friends, my family, my career, everything I ever cherished I gave up for him.<p>I never complained, sounded bitter or threw it on his face. He knows and he has said so. He knows I sacrificed so much, and all he did was be a terrible SOB to me.<p>Turns out he had too many unresolved issues, too many ghosts that had nothing to do with me haunting him. Too much pain that he took on on me.<p>Yes I am young, no children, no house to pay, no mortages, no joint custody, I could walk away, and be dating in a week if I wanted. I turned down so many marriage proposals when I came to live with my H, sometimes I get mad at those guys for not asking me before they knew I was leaving and threw themselves in a desperate move.<p>I am an educated person. I always was considered gifted and talented (if not crazy). My school record is nevertheless perfect 4.0 GPA. I can get any grant or scholarship I apply for. I do my job professionaly and my supervisors beg me to reconsider each time I decide it is time to move to another workplace to find a better pay.<p>I know I deserve better, I know what I am worth, and I know that, at points of time, there were men, wonderful men extending their hands to share their lifes and dreams with me, and I turned them down, because I thought my xWH was a man, not a boy.<p>But here I am... still married, still loving my xWH, maybe because he is a bit of a challenge, maybe because he is done so many advanced towards being a decent man, that I don't want to remove myself from his side, and see him grow and become somebody that deserves my love.<p>He hasn't abused me for a long time now, and he has being very careful with lb'ing. I still catch him in crazy sentences, but he realizes inmediatly and tries to make up for it.<p>I guess sometimes I get frustrated, because he wasn't who I though or who he wanted me to believe he was. He is not my beloved H... he is somebody trying to find himself... and as I said before, I used my teens to do that, he has just started in the treshold of turning 30... I hope for his own sake he doesn't go through a middle age crisis, because if he does and he decided to go back to his old self, I'll leave, no matter how many ties there are to keep me here.