Many of you here probably don't know OR remember me. My D-Day was July 27, 2001. I plan "A"'d until Feb 14, 2002 and then filed for "D" and kicked my WS out and retained custody of my 3 kids. Since then my WS has been sitting the fence and couldn't even talk about the "A" or us. When attempting her eyes would simply glaze over and she couldn't speak....didn't know what she wanted....where she was going or how she was going to get there. This continued until 2 weeks ago when she informed me that she wasn't going to talk to OM for a month..and she would limit ANY contact with me to "kid issues" only. <p>Well, the week after this "new plan" of hers...she starts talking more and more to me and kinda flirting....which i ignored and kept to HER plan. This weekend was a very busy one for us. Our middle son's birthday was on Saturday and our oldest son had to go to basketball camp on Sunday and we were going to do these thing together.<p>Something changed for her. The fog has seemed to blow away for a while. We had a wonderful weekend together...spent the entire weekend together. We talked for 2 solid days...not about us or the "A" or work...but just talked. It was so nice...and we enjoyed it so. <p>She admits she misses me, she wants me, she has wanted that for some time...just didn't know how to show it or was afraid to. She WANTS to come home. She says that all this time she wasn't strong enough to end it with him....but now she is. She said even if we got divorced....she wouldn't have married him...she could never see them together. It's been almost 11 months of HELL for me. I never would have thought it would last that long.....MANY people told me to throw in the towel long ago. That she was NEVER going to come back or get her head together until it was too late. That something was wrong with ME for holding on that long. <p>We both know there is much hard work ahead of us...but we both realize what we mean to each other. How important we both are to each other. We also both know that when we re-unite that it will either be WONDERFUL or it will be the end...it can't be middle of the road. <p>So for you newbies out there...sometimes it takes a while....Listen to your heart...and not ALWAYS those around you. YOU will know when to hold them and when to fold them. My marriage may not work out, but i think it has a fighting chance now. The keys are patience and changing you....you are ALL that you can change in these situations. Make you the best YOU...you can be and let the WS see it.....then you can start to mend the fences IF they are mendable !! Even if the WS's don't admit or say anything about YOUR changes....they see them...know they are there.<p>Good luck to all and thanks for all those who were here to help and encourage ME !!

This is great to hear, SD!
Good job, and best of luck going forward!

Wonderful news. I hung in there for almost two years. My spouse never left, but, well, my signature line pretty much tells all! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Newbies - those whose pain is fresh and seemingly unbearable, there is HOPE and the most important thing to rebuild and renew is YOURSELF!

Well, just a short update to what i already posted about my great weekend. I stayed at her apartment last night for the first time EVER. I left at 8:30 for work....she called me and we met for lunch at 11:45 with the kids...ages 4-7. We hadn't discussed OM during this or anything of that nature. During the 3 hours that i was at work....she had called the OM and ended it, told the kids she was coming home soon AND stopped at her work and picked up boxes to start packing some of her stuff to come home !!<p>She also called her mother who she is VERY close with and they are meeting this afternoon. She didn't discuss much of her conversation with OM, but did say that once she did that and hung up....that she had an incredible peace come over her. She also told me that now she WANTS to be in-love with me and spend time with me and share the rest of her life with me. <p>I told her once she came home there would be no in and outs....that once she came home...that was it. She said to me....there will be no more outs in our marriage !! <p>Someone pinch me or throw water on me...i think i am dreaming !! If so...please don't wake me !!

Thanks for the story, it helps me keep going.
And Alberta too, since my WH is at home, and for now, that is best for the kids, and me too, I think.

Your post brought tears to my eyes Sad Daddy, I'm so happy for you, and your family.<p>I like that you said that she must be firm in her decision before moving back. Apparently she has just now formally ended it. There may be feelings that come up. I'd make sure you have a real "structure" to your recovery. Total honesty, trust building, accountability. Now, before she moves in, is the time to agree to some simple principles of recovery that will help you both feel safe. It sounds to me as if your W is ready for true recovery. You've brought some joy to my heart today Sad Daddy, I hope all goes well for you.
David

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Dance of joy for Sad Daddy [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Hmmm time to change your handle?? Happy and Hopeful Daddy?<p>Just be in Plan A for LIFE. Know that there will be struggles, but as a team you and your W will overcome them and grow stronger.<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: Alberta ]</p>

YEAH!<p>What GREAT news. I am so happy for you.<p>Hugs,
Cali

Considering what you've been through, my experience is nothing but a walk in the park (which it really isn't, of course).<p>Gives me much hope, given my WW's declared intent to make a NC letter (and we actually stayed together). Maybe, finally, my WW has found the strength to leave OM. I think a key sign is when you hear it from them, without prompting.<p>Congratulations. An "A"...for effort.

I am so happy for you and your family!! It gives us all hope. God bless you in your journey to recovery!
bH

This is so wonderful to hear. Thanks for the inspiration, and best of luck to you and your family!

Thanks for the boost sad daddy. I pray it is all going to be ok.
Hugs to you!
Layli

Sad Daddy
Nice to hear you have made progress.
I have been S 17 months. OM (co-worker) in picture.
We S 'cos of my lack of affection. I think during our S (8 months in) OM met W emotional needs.
However I still chat to W and she hasn't signed the decree nisi. Should have been D'd at leat 2 months ago. No idea why she is stalling. W is still in deep fog.
I took W to a concert last Friday. We had a great day. W told me she was going to an evening wedding party with OM and staying over his house in spare bedroom. This is where it hit me. I said I couldn't go on and if you cannot make a decision then I will for you. Go with OM. I will leave you to it. W said you have been very patient with me and she can't blame me for wanting to move on. However no matter how much I have endured I am not sure if I have done the right thing. She is sitting on the fence and maybe I have this will "shake" her up.
Tell me Sad Daddy, we have no kids so there is no excuse to see each other, you say you were S for 2 years? How did you go about enduring this amount of time. Of course because of your kids you have the excuse to have contact. I am not familar with your whole story but have attached to OM was your W? Did you "push" your W into OM arms 'cos her emotional needs weren't met?
Did you "hang in" there and wait 'til W and OM R fizzle out? Did you become W friend, unconditionally show here love?
I want to still be there for my W until at least she D me. Or/and tells me she is 100% with OM and tells me too move on. She is still undecided what she wants.

Hooray for you! Thanks for the happy news. I am sure you will do well as long as you continue to "Listen to your heart". Thanks for the good advise [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Glad to hear things are moving in the right direction!

Thanks for all the well wishes....I appreciate them all !! <p>Marissa, You are a long timer like me...How are YOU doing in recovery ? Are things getting easier for you and the hubby ? You provided me with alot of information that i needed to help me better understand my situation...THANK YOU. Got any small update on your status..I wish you luck in your recovery process. <p>That's the thing about this board...you never know when YOUR story and advice may REALLY help someone else going through the same process.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I am so happy for you!!!<p>MAX

Sad Daddy and SmileySmile - Your stories sound EXACTLY like mine. Unfortunately, I am at the same point as SmileySmile now. <p>M - 12 years
Kids - 10, 8, 4
DDay - 7/6/01
S - 2/02 - WW moved out<p>Sad Daddy - I pray for the day that I can write your post. We see each other because of the kids but she is still "not here" and always has that glaze. "Not ready to come home yet" despite hearing the kids say they want her to come home. We split the time with them during the week - I hate it when they're not here. How did you stay sane for a 2 year S? <p>DD

Dear Devasted Dad, <p>I wasn't seperated for 2 years, only about 4 months or so. D-Day for me was 11 months ago. I TOTALLY understand your WS's eyes glazing over. Mine did the same thing....we could talk about many things, but talking about us or the "A" or anything like that and she simply stared ahead and her eyes glazed over and she couldn't say a word or if she did...she couldn't even answer simple questions. Just know it's NOT you..it's her. <p>Does your WS draw closer to you when she sees you getting on with life ? Can she tell you she loves you ? Does she have "weird" excuses for NOT coming home ? Do you see glimpses of her wanting to be with you ? <p>I still can not believe how my WS has turned around...it's a total 180 degree turn. We talk openly about so many things now...including us and it and are starting to develope a plan for "us"...and she has made it clear to everyone that she isn't returning for our 3 kids...she is returning for ME and US. She told me last night for the first time that she was sorry for the pain and agony she has caused me over the last 11 months. She also told me that she always had alot of respect for me and the person i was....now she has to much more because i have shown her un-conditional love and stood by her during this nightmare.<p>I only HOPE and PRAY that each of you get the chance to hear words like these and at least a fighting chance to TRY to repair your marriages. I am not silly enough to think my marriage will by peaches and cream the rest of our lives...but i know we are both commited to trying to make each other happy and committing our lives to each other and FINALLY making each other the #1 priority...which we never were to each other in the past.

I concur with Sad Daddy. A WW CAN come around--and even in surprising ways. In my case I had more faith that she would eventually come around, but only to "status quo". I thought I'd be just a consolation prize. But I was (happily) wrong--thanks to Plan A and MC. She WANTS me back (not just for the kids/ family) like I never could have dreamed and actually ended up dumping the OM and seeing him for the self-centered jerk he is. She DOESN'T want to see him again, even on a business level (he was our kids piano teacher). And this after 2 months ago she was contemplating MARRYING him for godsakes!<p>Our lines of communication are more calm and open now. There is still M work to do. She admits that changes in our M are necessary and acknowledges that I have been working on them. Because of my calmness and steadfastness in the face of the A, she has much more respect for me (it also helped to undermine the A as a "refuge"...it put indirect pressure on her to justify it on many levels).<p>Change is hard. Patience is hard. But at the end, there will usually be a reward. And that is that you will be better for it--whether she/he comes back or not. Good luck to those still in the thick of it all.