Hi I am new here and really need help.
I'm not sure I know what all the abreviations are so I will probably write everything out.
I am the one who cheated the affair began and ended 6 years ago. It is still haunting us. Affair lasted only a short time but for H very painful regardless of how short. My problem is he keeps getting really upset with me when I make a mistake or break something or things like this. He says yeah you can wreck something and I have to fix it. He then goes on to tell me he doesn't know if he can live wih me the way I am. Forgetful, procrastinater, when I say I will do something very often I don't or I do it a lot later. He says this has also to do with trust and he feels I am not his partner and he can't rely on me. He can't or won't tell me he loves me anymore until he really feels it. I feel it though that he really does but then something stupid happens that I have done and he gets all upset again as if he is ready to throw in the towel. My friend thinks he is very angry at me for what I did and because he never really got his anger out that he is acting this way and that I should make him get it out - be it he wants to yell at me, tell me he hates me or whatever but he needs to get it out. What do you think? I don't know the first thing about getting him to get angry at me and get it out. I guess I just need advice of what I should do. I don't want to walk on egg shells all the time waiting for the next mistake to cause him to want to give up. We do have some very nice times and when he hugs me it is very intense - we sleep with eachother and it is very nice - sex really good and he still wants to have a baby with me. I am trying to change and be less forgetful by writing things down and doing what I say I'll do but he just says this isn't you and be ready to face it that you can't live as someone you aren't. Why is he reacting this way and how do I ease his pain. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated I am suffering.
Thanks!<p>me: 37 H: 34
no kids
married 10 years <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Welcome to MB. <p>If you go over to the just found out site there are posts by OneGoing that are helpful with the acronyms and all. Also there are links to other sites under the welcome newbies thread that will provide helpful reading. <p>Since you and your H are somewhat in recovery (still together after the end of the A), please read the basic concepts section located at the top of this page. Along with that find the books, giver/taker and his needs/her needs. Surviving an Affair is another good book. <p>It is vital that the both of you get to a good MC or even a few phone counseling sessions with Steve Harley or Jennifer C. Both work with Dr Willard Harley (author of those books mentioned above and I believe that even Jennifer co-authored some of those books with her dad). <p>Please read here. Post when you can. Both you and your H are welcome to read all the info and participate here. <p>take care,
L.

Cactus,
Finding out one's spouse has had an affair is very painful. Anger is usually one of the stages the betrayed spouse goes through. Staying angry and unforgiving for 6 years while living with the wayward spouse is not usual.<p>Yes, you did a very bad thing. But if you have been remorseful, repentent, behaved trustworthily, your H at this point should have no reason to treat you badly.<p>Marriage builders has many, many couples who are still together after infidelity, whose marriages, though not the same as before, have good, healthy, loving relationships.<p>I have to echo Orchid, you need a counselor to work with you and your husband. Either Jennifer or STeve Harley would be a good choice. Or you can seek someone in your locality.<p>I wouldn't advise you to push your H into getting angry with you, it sounds like he has no problem being angry and harsh with you, I would say he needs to learn how to deal with it, process it, get through it, move past it.<p>You must love him a great deal to have gone through this, doing penance, for 6 years.<p>Keep posting, I wish you the best.