I want to know if the WS feel the pain after the separation or divorce even if they were the one who caused it?

I was the WS at the time, but she didn't know it. I cried the day she left, even though I was the one that wanted the divorce. It was a mixture of sadness and relief, actually. I felt bad for a couple of days, but eventually was mad at myself for having stayed with her so long. I was the BS before I was the WS with her. She had her own EA about 5 years before our recent divorce.

Thanks, for your reply, however I would like to know some other things...My husband moved out about 2mths ago, we have two small children. My husband is having an EA, he has done this before and I allowed him to come back...(Big Mistake!!) I just wonder if this is painful to me when I was the faithful one, does he even realize what a access I was to him? He is very hostile toward me as if I was the one who hurt him? I really don't understand and wants to know why he treats me so mean when I have always been there for him?

Hello Tatchina,<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I want to know if the WS feel the pain after the separation or divorce even if they were the one who caused it? <hr></blockquote><p>I believe everyone involved feels pain during, before and after the separation or divorce. I also believe that usually both parties are at some fault for separation or divorce. Please don't get me wrong there is no excuse for an A. Just my $.02.

I agree that I may have played a part in this, but, whatever my part was, I still don't know..I have asked him and he will not say..All I ever did was love him..maybe too much?? As far as the hurt...I asked that question because I feel like I am the only one hurt, at least , that is what I see..To tell the truth, I don't think he gave me the chance to hurt him,(not that I wanted to) but, he always had that ground covered..If he would have put the effort into our marriage that he puts with women in the street, we would not have to go through this...I have gave my all to try to make this marriage work, and look like all he did was put effort into making sure it didn't..you know..

Hello Tatchina,
I had an EA about 7 months ago. I hurt the whole time I had it! I felt lost, anxious and depressed. Before I even started having the EA I was feeling like my marriage was over. It was both our faults. We where not meeting each others EN! The other woman met some of my EN and it became an addiction.<p>3 D-Days later a separation and a lot of IC/MC my wife and I are happier then ever before. We both excepted and took responsibility for our parts in our marital problems. We worked our butts off and got to where we are today. Don't get me wrong we are still in the healing process. We have super good days and we have super bad days! But we are together and work through them. Things get better with time and work so I am going to make some suggestions. Let me know what you think.<p>Read all you can on this site.
Get the Book "How to survive and affair".
No love busting, think before you do and always be respectful to your H. (it suck I know but do you want to be married or do you want to be right?)
Seek IC and maybe anti depressants to help you get through this worst times. ( it works I know)
Read about and start Plan A.<p>Sorry it's so short. I will check in on you tonight!<p>LHM

Really quick before I head home from work. Think about this. It's not how hard you try to make your M work it's what you try. I don't doubt you worked hard at your marriage, but did you do what YOU wanted done for YOU, or did you do what your H wanted done to or for him? There is a difference. Do you know about EN yet? I see you only have posted a few times so I wonder how long you have been here and what you have read already?

I have only been on the board for a short time, but I have been reading the post for a while...How do you know what a person needs if they will not communicate with you...I am a very emotional and affectinate person...I think my husband took this as needy..I've asked him to tell me what he needed and he would always say nothing...How am I suppose to meet his needs if he don't share them with me...?

Hello Tatchina,
I suggest you read the EN section of the MB site. Click on the link below. You will be surprised how once you get started things seem to fall into place. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE remember when reading this that the A is your H's fault and it's wrong. There is no excuse for what he is doing!!! The only way to save your marriage is to fix your marriage. You can't change your husband but you can influence the way he thinks and feels. The only way to do this is to meet his needs try not to LB! <p>How to Meet Emotional needs<p>Now what you need to do is find out why he won't tell you what he needs. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable telling you. Maybe he is under the impression he can't tell you? You need to think back to times he might of tried talking to you about them and build from that. He needs to feel he has a safe place to share what he needs.<p>Right now you might think what I have to say is going to sound crazy but here is how it works. You must think about H's needs. Try to meet them. I know he has hurt you beyond beliefs but this how it works. Trust me if things get worked out between you both, they will be better then ever before ( it's the whole "what goes around, comes around" thing). Remember the OW is looking to make herself happy not your H. It sucks to think you must compete for your H's love but the sooner you realize this the sooner you will win it back. Right now he only thinks he has feeling for her. The love you both have is real. Being life mates is about making the other person happy. Some things to think about, maybe even work on.<p>In the past when trying to make your H happy did you do what you thought would make him happy(maybe what you needed done), or did you do what he thought would make him happy?<p>Have you ever done anything to disrespect your H? Remember it's not what you think is disrespectful it's what he thinks is.<p>Those are some good things to think about. Think hard and build from what you figure out. I know when I was in the fog, when my wife did the opposite from what I thought she would do (hate me, kick me out, wish my death) it made me start to think about what I really had. Once I started coming out of the fog she had me fill out the EN questionnaire and we started from there. We have super days and we have bad days, but the bad ones are getting farther apart. <p>Read all you can on the site and remember no LB!!!!! Start "Plan a" Think before you speak. I am not saying let him walk all over you just talk to him with some respect and try to demonstrate an openness to work things out. Once he walks out of the fog the guilt will hit him hard enough. It's the hardest thing for me to deal with to this day. It's been months since I came out of the fog and I still think about it almost every hour! It tore me apart to know what I did to the one woman in my life who really cared for me. The one woman who I really cared for......

bump

Thanks, I needed that advice..I really feel helpless right now, so any information I can get is Good...I really love my husband and want my marriage to work...he has not asked for a divorce..just a legal separation...maybe there is some hope...

How are things going tatchina?

I guess I'm doing better...I am tried of my H controlling my emotions...I wish I could find something to do to help me get pass this..you know..

Hi Tatchina, i've been reading ur posts,
<<I agree that I may have played a part in this, but, whatever my part was, I still don't know..I have asked him and he will not say..>><p>ur situation sounds like mine - he is hostile to me before D-day and sounds mean and resentful sometimes and i have no idea what was it i did.
Then when i really hear what he is saying,i realize he is using my words from the from way back before d-day.I kept LB last time eg disrespectful judgement - and being stubborn in my own opinions and refusing to look at his view.
I had not realise the damage it cause to my Lovebank a/c then.<p><<<I guess I'm doing better...I am tried of my H controlling my emotions...I wish I could find something to do to help me get pass this..you know.. >>>
How about doing something that will make YOU feel happy? something u always want to do but your H hated and had bad view on it?<p>After D-day and expecting separation,i tot about all the things i can do without him opposing (eg camping and hiking - he thinks its dangerous)and it actually help keep my spirits up and positive.
Hope these helps.

Thanks,,I have tried to think of things to do, however, I have lost all my interest..it seems that everything I want to do includes a partner..I know what I use to like, but I don't find those things interesting anymore. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hello Tatchina,
Start small; try to think of something you used to love to do. Just do it, don’t ask yourself if you want to do it just get started. You will be surprised once you start something how your mind will get focused on what it is you’re doing. It might give you a break from everything that’s going through your mind. Try something everyday. This is something my W and I do when we start feeling depressed. I really think it will help in your case too. I know it’s hard right now but you have to keep from letting this eat you up. I remember feeling so bad that I would beat on my dashboard just wishing the pain would stop. Focusing on something else (easier said then done) will help you keep your sanity. Don’t give up trying.<p>Hang in there, I wish you well and my thought are with you…<p>LHM

In response to your original question, "I want to know if the WS feel the pain after the separation or divorce even if they were the one who caused it?", YES the WS feels the pain, even if I was the one to cause it.<p>I know you requested replies from men, and I am a woman WS. But, tonight I am going through an unbelievable amount of pain and loneliness. My H and I talked tonight (read my much longer and messier post under "recovery" under "poll: how long does reconciliation take" if you like), and he is adamant about not being able to ever consider getting back together, that there's no going back after my A. <p>So, yes indeed I am going through pain. I have so much remorse it feels heavy on my heart. I'd do anything to reverse the situation. I ended the A with the arrival of D-day. I want reconcilliation more than anything.<p>I am as lonely as you are I suspect. My friends just don't cut it for me, and neither do my family. I want my husband back. I want my marriage back. <p>The only thing is, this is all about me, and how I (a woman) feels. A man who was cheating probably has many different variables at play. Everyone, man, woman, faithful or not reacts differently, so there's probably no hard fast predictor of whether your H will ever feel the pain, or if he does, let on that he does.<p>Try to stay strong, and look after yourself above all else. Don't lose hope even though I sure feel like there's no reason to have any right now.<p>Jen <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Tatchina:
<strong>Thanks,,I have tried to think of things to do, however, I have lost all my interest..it seems that everything I want to do includes a partner..I know what I use to like, but I don't find those things interesting anymore. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote>

Hi Tatchina, Just read your story, sorry you are here, but glad you've found us. You've got some good advice there and people here care, I know, they've cared for me during the worst times in my life.<p>LHM is right,read up on EN's. Another book I read that was very good was 'The five languages of love' (or is it 'the five love languages'), either way the book is excellent. I read it and want to give it to my friends this christmas. It makes you understand what LHM is saying. Were you showing love to your H how he wanted it or how you wanted it?<p>For example, I often rejected my H's sexual advances, but I was a great cook and housekeeper. The thing is, he expresses love through sex, so by rejecting him I was 'saying' I don't love you. I feel so bad about that now, but I'm committed to forgiving myself. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm sure your H is hurting a lot. I know mine is and he told me so too. <p>Try to force yourself to do thing that you used to enjoy. Its very important Tatchina, do not let this drag you down. You will have good and bad days, but try real hard not to make everyday a bad day. Do it for you, you deserve it!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks to all of you, I am going to find something to do tonight..