I just wanted to scream.... Can you guys hear me? this all started sometime in august of last yr... he left our home on sept. 15yh... guess the ow convinced him to seize the moment... I thought that horrible 911 day brought families together, not apart???<p>anyway... on 911 everything was fine... on 9/14 I told him I loved him as he left for work and he was suppossed to come home for dinner that night... never showed... it has now been... <p>drumroll please.... daddadadaddadadadadadadda....<p>9 MONTHS OF HELL>... ok.. can I say that any loader.. . [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] 9 MONTHS OF HELL>>> EHLL HELL!!!!!<p>Ok, I feel like I am being a bit expressive... he did email me last night... after I ignored him all wkend practically that he would go to counseling this week... SEE>>>><p>
I AM about an INCH away from serving papers... ! Does it just have to get where we dont care for them to care????<p>Well I called today... snide little me.. and asked him if he was behaving at his new job and if there were any office sluts around for him to salivate over... he sd no got mad, and hung up... <p>He is now mad again... basiclaly I did this... after I got some memory triggers and got all emotional and angry over the pain... <p>and then I called... I didnt even know what I was going to say but that is what I sd... well he is mad... later we emailed and he was a maybe for meeting me after work.. my request... well guess what... he decided not to...<p>GEE>.. how did you guys guess.<p>
HELP>>>> I JUST CANT TAKE IT>.. I am the LB queen///! then my mood was bad and I had a "radically honest" day at work which got some cowrookers angry at me..<p>My radical honesty getrs me in trouble... I do see this.. I lb with my radical honesty... I hate it.. but I hate not saying anything when people walk on me... <p>What do you guys do in these situations..<p>?> <p>OK, one more scream... AHHHHHGGGGGHHHH! <p>Thanks, Honey [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Gee, Honey,<p>You sound just like me at the nine month mark. ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!<p>I think you need to not decide anything in this state, and just know that this too will pass. It is one of the five steps of grieving to be angry. The trick is to use it appropriately.<p>I also said some terrible things to my stbx out of anger, and they didn't help matters along. But I am in Plan B now, so I don't usually communicate with him except in emails. This allows me to say what I want in an appropriate way, without LBing, and if you have read my recent post, you will see that communication is improving between us...not that i want MY stbx back......just the communication to be improved.<p>In the interim, try to do what I did, and just do not say ANYTHING if you can help it. I nearly bit my tongue clear OFF some days.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

<ducking> did you ... ummm.. check into a ... ummm... counselor? how bout meds?<p>ummmm.... also thought you would check with us before talking to him? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You were doing good after the weekend... you gotta get control of your self. You... you and God... and a counselor and meds. <p>sorry hun.... you're going thru crap... it's not fair... and hubby shouldn't be doing what he's doing. You're right about that - and he's defintely wrong. But you gotta build a surf-board and surf your way out of it (the crap).

Hi Honey,
My H left 9 months ago too. I know just how you feel. It is excrutiating! Faith1 is right, you have to find a way to surf through the crap and stop Lb'ing. It is easier said than done, I know, but maybe if you seek some counseling that would help (I don't know if you are currently in counseling or not, just a thought).
Honey, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and BE STRONG!
bH

Hang in there Honey,<p>It is one of life's most difficult things to go through. I wish I could say I did it gracelfully, (and most of the time I did [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ) but there were times--definitely that that were not my most stellar moments.<p>If it has been 9 months, you need to decide what you want and what you will put up with. I found that I needed to start being the person I wanted to be and let my H be what he was being. My life calmed down a little after that. Letting go is very difficult. You need to focus on you right now. Quit with what he is doing or not doing--and make your life good for you. Take care Honey!!! You are in my prayers. Pat

Thanks to all of you guys... I am in tears.. that yes.. MIM... I do need to take my life back and be me again... ever since he decided to tear up life as I knew it... I have been so unhappy... it is the most miserable experience of my life... I am so tired of all of this.<p>Yes, I even admit I am not as pretty as I used to be... is that my poor pitiful me going now? I am 30 pounds heavier than I was 2 yrs ago after my 2nd bbaby... I gained all of this damn weight and I am not even a major [censored]... I am only a size 8.. when I got on every pain pill in the book.. for all the pain I was in that would not go away. I guess my H thought I was some loser wife. I know it was so much about my injury and the pills and that I could not find a good doctor to help me.<p>I found a doctor to help me with the pain... right when h started the A... I was actually starting to get a little better... when he was starting to go away... Seriously people... in august... or july maybe right before he started the A... I actually went out to a public bar and stood up and played pool... not that this is my thing... but this much physical activity was a new thing for me after 2 yrs of PAIN... and I mean I was in the bed crying... and asking him to help me... constantly... for a while finally h supported me and I did not work for about a 4 month period or so during this time.. and he would come home to find me asleep due to the pills putting me asleep... <p>I just hate it... I try and try to lose this weight... i have been off all the pills for aobut a month almost... I still get some pain... but I know my exercise plan is helping me... I work out at least 3x a week now.. and I am training to hike the grand canyon for the arthritis foundation in sept. <p>That is keeping me busy... making some new friends, etc.<p>Yes, My lb's are driving him away... his lb's are driving me away. He sd he would do counseling this week... perhaps we should try the harley's.... I was hesitent in the past because we had insurance.. but now... we dont have insurance.. so we might as well pay... <p>In fact I am going to call tomorrow to see about a session... maybe that is the way to go.<p>I am soooo hurt. <p>I had wkely counseling.. until I lost my insurance .. about 2 months ago... but anyway.. it is such a bummer.. I lose my insurance and I lose any income from h at same time... h is broke right now... and I have only seen 250 or so dollars in the last 2 months + so that boils down to about 25 dollars a week or so... not sure that he realizes how bad he is being... <p>he is complaining he has a roommate.. etc... <p>WELL.. who started all this..> i guess I reall y thought when or if I ever got really ill and needed someone ... they would be there.<p>Thanks for the support... sorry for my continual pity party.<p>DID I mention I just organized my MK inventory for the last 2 hours and boy did I forget about h for a while... it does do the trick... ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] getting busy and taking care of me... that is.<p>thanks, HONEY

I'm too new at all of this to be able to offer you any words of wisdom Honey. But I do see how much pain you are in and I just wanted to say I'm sorry.<p>What I hear you saying is that you're not only in pain regarding your husband and your marriage but also regarding yourself. Me too.<p>I wonder if anyone out there has any suggestions on good ways to release anger. I know, if I didn't have all these unreleased negative emotions inside me I could cut down significantly on my LB'ing. I just can't figure out how to let them out without them being directed at either me or my H.

Is there something magically evil about the 9 month mark?<p>It sure seems that way from these posts...I've been freaking out too...at the 9 month mark!<p>Honey,
You know what you need to do. You've known it for quite some time. You should ONLY concentrate on preparing yourself for that; NOTHING else!<p>Get C, get meds, get strong; but ignore HIM. Prepare yourself for what you already know is necessary. Yes, sometimes you DO have to stop caring before they have a chance to reform their ways, IF at all.<p>HUGS!!!

Sorry you are struggeling Honey.<p>I hear the pain in your post. One thing I have learned is behind the anger is extreme pain. You have to learn to get passed the anger and get to the hurt. Express the hurt NOT the anger.<p>New jobs is a trigger for me too. I can totally relate. But when you think about saying stuff like this: "any office sluts around for him to salivate over". Stop and think, why am I so angry? you will get to the source of your hurt and be able to express yourself better. For some reason (pride) it is easier for us to express anger (cause there is power in it) than hurt (because there is vulnerability in it). The source is you feel insecure in your relationship (AND RIGHTFULLY SO!) and you need reassurance from him. So instead give him a tiny piece of your heart and see how he handles it. Say something like this instead: "I feel insecure about your new job and meeting new people. Can you give me some words to reassure me." Then see how he handles it. Most likely he will screw up at first because he doesn't know how to reassure you. But you have to change you first. <p>It is so hard. I know. I'm sorry for your pain.

I wanted to add to...<p>being radically honest is NOT a LB it is HOW you are radically honest that makes it a LB. <p>For instance, if you say to your coworkers: <p>"it is none of your #$#%$@ business what I do with my life." <p>That is a LB althouth it is radically honest. BUT <p>if you say to your coworkers:<p>"I appreciate your concern but really just need someone to listen and validate my feelings not offer advice at this time."<p>That is being radically honest without LB. Then IF they can't handle not offering advice just stop talking to them, you are setting boundaries and they need to respect that. If they can't then you need to move them out of your circle of support.

LLama Hhugs to Hhoney!<p>{{{{{HOney}}}}}<p>Hang in there girly!<p>Llama

Oo-ooooh, Honey and Extremely_confused...I HEAR YOU!!!! I am in the same situation...My WS have been gone for about 2mths now...I have went through this before about 2yrs ago and I must say that this time it is a little easier...however, I am still hurt, mad at myself for feeling so weak and of course, I can't seem to lose this weight.. I emailed my WS last week and told him that I am moving on with my life and I will not contact him anymore other than concerning the kids..It is so hard, but I have been successful so far...I get so lonely and sad sometimes even through it is best for my state of mind that he is out of the house..I just wish he could have put all the effort into our marriage as he put out in the street with the OW...This is so unfair...I guess once we get over the husbands and they see us move on...they will then see what a lost and asset we really were to them...I stay prayed up and I find a lot of my peace within God...

IMPULSE CONTROL!<p>I've been there, Honey, 21 months of separations, with 3-4 not-good months on both sides of that. I know how awful it is, I was mean at times to my H as well, just because I was so angry. It pushed him away, it made him feel I was crazy, our marriage hopeless and reconciling with a madwoman was out of the question. My last 6 months of Plan A was really good, very few LBs, learned with difficulty through the middle 6 mos., but the first 6 months was like yours, half good behavior, half, LBs. <p>Garnering negative attention from your H is not good attention.<p>Now, remember what I said about the ball being in his court? Well, you didn't just bounce a beach ball off his head, you NAILED him with a 90 mph fast ball--while he was in the dugout, not even up to bat or looking. You ambushed him and verbally beat him about the head & shoulders. <p>If you want a divorce, get one. You've tried. You've made the effort. <p>If you want to keep yourself at the point where reconciliation if possible if he would change... Plan A or B or tough love, or DB, none of which call for random nasty phone calls. Even if he deserves it!<p>Yell at me for yelling at you, but...if he's documenting what you are doing, this kind of behavior will only hurt you, divorce or no divorce. <p>I'm glad you are working out--it WILL help. I've had rheumatoid arthritis for 12 years, and had a pretty rough spring with it--out of remission I had with meds. I'll never be off medications. It's doubtful that I'll ever not have pain, but exercise, keeping my weight down, does help keep me physically strong, and I know it helps with how I deal with stress.

Honey, <p>Lor gave you good advice. <p>Try not to call him, when you get urge come here & write everything you want to say; write it down; go for a walk with your boys (good way to get the weight down) or how about getting one of those punching bag things & punching it or if you just have to call; call your mobile phone & leave the message you like to say to your WH & then delete. <p>There are so many ways you can vocie your anger but not call your H.

thanks to everyone for your wonderful kkiind SMART giving support.<p>thanks from my heart. I mean it.<p>I really appreciate being able to post here and get feedback.l. even when I am being a bit out there. I know I am at times... I was raised a bit of a spoiled brat.. and temper tantrums always worked in my FOO... unfortunately they do not work on my H... well, uh... fortunately... kind of tired of being the brat myself.<p>anyway... I am better... today it is like prayers were wonderfully answered...<p>H called and wanted to meet after work... we did and it went well.. we are going to start some counseling with the harelys... I have made it cleaer to him that ... I want real recoery or he will lose ame and soon.. and that if I file the D... I dont want to go back and that I am tired of this seperation... so seize me back or lose me forever... kindly mostly is how I put it.<p>anyway.. work got mysteriously magically, divinely better too. I voiced my neg. feelings about how my job was going... unchallenged.. and circumvented on my work, etc... and GUESS WHAT... I get to... have a new position... I was moved to a smarter more analytical position where I can think research and guess what HAVe my own dang cube? now back in better days I even had an office.. but a cube will suffice compared to the micromanaging I have undergone lately by a woman who shared my cube but was not my boss... oh boy! <p>I will stop... now... but I got moved and it is all for the good... new position, new respon.. and no more micromanagers... <p>Cant yall tell I dont like to be bossed around by now? hehe.<p>but anyway... It will be way better.<p>Thanks for being here through more hard days... <p>honey