Why can’t our friends give us more support, is it that they do not understand how hurtful this is, and that it does not just go away because of the passing of time? I am very hurt about the fact that my, our friends, or minister, are able to ignore this so easily. If I had cancer or something at least they would periodically ask how I am feeling, what kind of treatments am I getting , what the doctor said, when my next appointment is.. but have unfaithful spouse and you are on your own…. Or is that just how it is for me? How have your friends ETC dealt with you?? I think maybe they think I am <p>[This message has been edited by lizam (edited September 18, 1999).]

lizam,<BR> I think because it is a taboo subject.It's easier to talk freely about someone's cancer,not so easy to talk about your spouse crawling in bed with someone else.I also think,deep down inside,people are afraid it might happen to them.But no,they don't really understand.I guess it's like getting your house broken into.I don't know what that feels like,either.But people have told me it's such a personel violation,that they feel like moving.But their friends might say"Don't worry about it,buy a big dog".The only ones who can understand infidelity,are those that had it happen to them.At least,that is what I found.When my W had an affair,she blamed it all on me to her family.Then they downplayed it as"a stupid thing to do".They have no comprehension of the pain my W put me through,and on top of it,they all blamed me for her affair!I guess you really are on your own.Take care. --Murph

I have had the same treatment. My minister has called me once and asks how things are going if I see him after church.<BR>Talked to a bunch a people over the summer but now that school has started no one has the time.<BR>I can't even get my mother or sister to call ! I call my mother every week. My sister called tonite because i called and left a message today.<BR> I just read in a book, Second Choices, were this is pretty normal. People act like they make catch the affair bug from you or something.<BR>I'm thinking about starting a church support group or something.<BR>I posted a similiar question before wondering if women got better support than men.

A lot of people are very uncomfortable with this. It's like RWD said. They are afraid in a way that they will catch the bug.<BR>They really have no idea what to say. They don't know if you want to talk about it.<BR>I spent the afternoon with a lady whose h has left her for the OW. I am one of the few people she can talk to because I do understand. I really think I should spend more time with her because she can say things to me that she can't say to anyone else.<BR>Sad isn't it?<BR>Most people are very shocked to realise this happens to people they know. It is very difficult for them. I make a point of going out of my way to make them comfortable. It keeps me busy and helps them.

zI am tired of this too. My mom in law thinks I should let by-gones be by-gones. And quit rehashing the st. If she were as devastated as I have been and still am, she would not be saying this. People are so non chalant about it, since it is quite popular these days. It makes me ill. It is a crime of the heart and no fine can cover the cost.

Sometimes it makes me wonder who our "real" friends really are. I want to have friends who are here in good times and in bad.....not just fair-weathered ones.....

it is so amazing!! I think it has to be the worst situation to be in because even if our friends can't understand our situation, our pain does not heal in the same nature as other pain inducing situations. if our spouses had died, our friends may or may not understand that situation either, but they would try to be helpful to us, but we would still go through the grief process and come out on the other end. the problem here is that we often have no closure to our situations, maybe they end it maybe they dont, maybe they change their behavior, maaybe they don't.....how can we get our friends, hey who am i kidding, or spouses often too, to understand this, and that we need validation and support from them???<P>rwd i also would like to start a support group in our church, there are so many couples in our church and our small town that are dealing with affairs, and if they are getting no more support than i am it is a pittiful example of chrisinaity.....I want our group to be for couples (h and I are still together) if you are interested in a group for couples read the book Authentic Marriages...

I brought this back up to the top, to see if there is any more input that may help me...please