How many times should I say, "please tell me the truth?" I have a hotel bill, and a confession he took her, only he says it was her "concellation prize" from him because he was returning home to me. Am I a total fool for believing that?

Leti - I don't know what to tell you only that I know the aggravation of not knowing the truth - thinking you are going crazy - everyone telling you it is right there in front of your eyes and you still can't see it because you don't want to because it hurts to much.. I can relate my husband still denies everything and it has been since October and we are ending our marriage - but all I can say is believe your gut instinct they are always right - And be strong try not to obsess because it will only drive you crazy - some people will never tell the truth - Good Luck.:}

Leti, I relate..my WS do the same thing and we are separated, but I have came to the anwser to why they continue to lie to us...it's because if the admit the truth, they are now responsible for their actions and will then have to admit that they are hurting you...Don't you think..make sense, huh?

To both Tatchina and Maw64....thanks and you are both so right. Guess the hardest part sometimes is not dealing with him but just putting together all that is left inside of me. He hurt me real bad and the bad part is that I don't even know if he really really hurt me, or just really hurt me. I just wish he would be honest. Of course he says he has told me all the other hurtful things because he does want to be honest...but, of course, he won't admit to sleeping with her because he says that would be a lie. He acknowledges that I don't trust or believe in him and he considers this his time to show me and slowly build back up his credit with me. I just can't help but wonder if I am setting myself up ONCE AGAIN, for the pain of only "finding out" about another one of his mistakes he made when he "wasn't thinking"

Leti,<p>There are so many different areas on this board that I can relate with...I wrote a posting today, quote, "My WS have been gone for about 2mths now...I have went through this before about 2yrs ago and I must say that this time it is a little easier...however, I am still hurt, mad at myself for feeling so weak and of course, I can't seem to lose this weight.. I emailed my WS last week and told him that I am moving on with my life and I will not contact him anymore other than concerning the kids..It is so hard, but I have been successful so far...I get so lonely and sad sometimes even through it is best for my state of mind that he is out of the house..I just wish he could have put all the effort into our marriage as he put out in the street with the OW...This is so unfair...I guess once we get over the husbands and they see us move on...they will then see what a lost and asset we really were to them...I stay prayed up and I find a lot of my peace within God..." <p>I know where you are because I am there also, my husband has not told me that he loved me in over two yrs now...I feel a lot of anger at myself because I feel like I overlooked all the obvious signs that he doesn't care for me anymore, because I loved him so much and didn't know how to let go...I have lost myself and trying to figure out how to have a life outside of him again..I don't feel good about myself because I want to lose weight but cannot get enough will power to do it...This is so hard..I know this will get better..but the question is when? and what do we need to do to get past it?

Leti - If you your husband says it is now time to show you that you can trust him - let him - he may be being honest you really don't know and you can rack your brains trying to figure it out and maybe never knowing - but if you want it to work - then it is going to take both of you - my problem with my husband was that I was the one trying to do all the repair work - but if your husband is truly sorry you will know it by his actions and what he is planning to do to make you trust him again - don't think about getting let down again just try to go with the flow as my nine year old told me to do. Unfortunately in my case one lie led to another and another and that is what hurt the most all of the twist and turns - but I don't want to get you down - I love my husband very much - he did a bad thing to me - and right now our marriage won't work but that doesn't mean yours cant - there are plenty of success stories here - so don't get discouraged....

It feels so good to talk with women going through the same thing. So many times the only advice I get is from #1-my mom-"keep trying, don't give up, he is with you and that's what matters" or #2-my best friend (single/never married)-"get rid of him, you deserve better, how can you ever live knowing all that you do and all that you don't." To finally talk to someone experiencing or that had experienced this magnitude of pain makes it so easy to talk to you. My husband is so convincing in that he made the mistake and never wants that "single" life again. That he was gone from us for 2 months too long and now he sees that he would never do anything to jeopardize our lives together. He says all the right things and does all the right things, allowing me to check his phone, never leaving me without telling me where he is headed and when he will return, doing all the romantic things he once did, cuddling, kissing all that good stuff, but here's the catch. He left in December, he started doing the back and forth thing around late Jan. He moved back in late Feb. But he had the "concellation trip" in early Feb., she showed up at his mothers home to "fuss at him" because he wasn't calling and was cutting her off (which he didn't tell me about til April), he and I got into a tiff in late April in which I sent him on his way, then found out he called her in his moment of weakness (says he didn't see her but just wanted to show off his new car and that he was happy to be back at home), then in late May her number was on his cell phone and when he called her with me present and he said, yea, you called, her response was, "you called me". Boy did that turn into a round and round. He did tell her to please leave him alone...that he was back home and it was his goal to fix our marriage, but you wouldn't believe the effort he put into making me believe I did not hear what I thought I heard. Later that night he finally admitted to calling her to "let her go and tell her to move on." So the problem is....when do I know he is really telling the truth and not just not getting busted? This is horrible. I didn't get married to go through crap like this. I never expected a PERFECT marriage but to deal with him having left and returning....fine. But all this extra baggage is turning me into this horrible person. I am not happy.

Leti - I can so relate my husband did the back and forth thing for awhile but he really never would committ to making it right - he hid his cell phone, he stayed out late and didn't come home a couple of times - and was really cruel - but your husband is home and he is trying to make you feel better - I don't know what to believe most of the time either - my husband had an affair then admitted to it - I didn't know the girl - that was in October then I find out in April that he has been talking to the lady next door all of the time on the cell phone and now I am thinking she is the original girlfriend but he lies so convincingly and makes me think that all of these problems are because of me.. I know what you say when you have the evidence right in front of you but somehow he still talks his way out of it - and you want to believe him unitl you talk to your friend #2 who says look at it is right there in black and white but for some reason we still can see it... These people around here have become my lifeline it is so nice to talk to someone who is going through the same thing - because you have to have gone through it to believe it... And it is life altering and it definately throws you for a loop - are you on any medication???

To all,<p>I know what you are going thru, I am going thru the same thing, my husband of 10yrs been together 14 won't admit to anything, he says everybody is lying on him and the evidence I have is not any good, but I know what I saw phone records, letters she wrote to him, hang up phone calls from OW and the list goes on, but he still will not admit to it.<p>The bad thing is the OW is so yucky!, I would have never in my life thought he would mess with someone like that, and it really hurts me to know that!!<p>And this is not his only affair, he will only admith to one about 4yrs ago, and I forgave him for that one, but how much can one woman take, I have been reading a lot and learning a lot, but I have some bad days and some alright days.<p>Hopefully it will get better.

Heartahes, I want to know why men always get OW who is yucky..?? I am going through that also, my husband cheated with a pathological lier, she was calling me and lying to him about me..she went as far to lie like she was pregnant several times..In which when the A started, I was pregnant...Once he returned home, she moved away to another city and kept having contact with him by saying she was pregnant...she even lied to the point that she had a baby but said that she could not remenmber the hospital name, her room # or anything...i of course, investigated by calling all the hospitals in that area, no listing of her...anyway, I tried to tell him how much she lied and he would not believe me until that happen..Well, now he is back in the street, this time he is fooling around with a co-worker, he do however have his own apartment this time...I do still Love my Husband so much and I almost feel stupid for still wanting him, however, I don't want him to return unless he is truly sorry and ready to make this work...I am doing Plan b now, 1week successful, no LB's so far...

All of us need to just hang in there. I am still relatively new to all this but can honestly say it is finally getting easier. I know what you mean about having it ALL in front of you and boy, if I could lie like him. I think the dummy starts believing his own lies sometimes. Guess my biggest fear for all of us (men and women) going through this is when are we "just tolerating" the pain instead of actually dealing with it. Sometimes when I go home from work and there he is with open arms and getting supper going I can't help but wonder just how much he is hiding. Then I start to convince myself, that sure I may not be the happiest person in the world, but couldn't things be worse. I know I am just tolerating him and there he stands, smiling and happy that he had his cake too. But at my expense. I know I would be miserable if I left him, but I know I am not happy with him. I hate to ignore what he did, because I think that is exactly what he wants for me to do. I lose either way. No matter how I look at it. I can tell myself a thousand times "but he came back to me" but still look like the fool all the while he conceals his hidden feelings or visits to the other person.

Leti,<p>Your husband do seem to be trying, that is a plus, he has broken your trust and it is understandable for you to be insecure, that's normal. If I was you, I would just be watchful and also try not to bring up the past...I know that is hard!!!What I would do is ask God to help me forgive him, because if he is truly not messing around you are only hurting yourself..What do you feel on the inside about your marriage? I think deep inside we know...Do what really is best for you...I know how it feels to think that people around us is looking at us crazy, but that's OK, because you are the one who has to be happy...I hope this help because I do hear some positive things going on with your husband..

Tatchina, thanks so much for your words. To everyone that has replied....THANKS! I fully intend on sticking with this form of rebuilding and keeping in touch with people that can share my pain not just speak of their opinion. I do feel confident my husband is trying....this time. But unfortunately, I felt he was trying all the other times also. I just don't want to feel the pain anymore. I know that it is a long time til we get there...and like you said, I know I am only hurting myself everytime I bring it up. Which is often. I can not seem to get the images and thoughts out of my head. To imagine my husband sleeping in a hotel room with another person is horrible. I can't imagine having to deal with him telling me he did sleep with her. Funny....it's like I want him to tell me he did (if he did), and then I tell myself to quit asking cause I know I couldn't deal with it if he ever did tell me he slept with her. Today has been one of those very difficult days for me. SOme are good, most are bad. In front of the kids I am much stronger and I night I just cry. I can't believe what my life has turned into....and he did it all. I just don't know how to quit bringing it up....I want to know everything, then I don't want to know anything else, I know too much already.

To everyone,<p>My husband wants to come back home, but he just won't admit to what he did and I am sure he is still communicating with her, so I don't want him back in the house unless I can fully know the truth if I can wait for him, I don't know if this is all worth it, I went and got me some anti-depressents and I have to wait until they kick in good.<p>He tells me he really loves me, but I know some of the things that he tells her, I just don't understand how he can look me in my face and tell so many lies, How can a person be so cruel and know that what they are doing is hurting someone else, I just don't get it! I am glad I really got on this website, it is really helping me, thanks to all!

Leti,<p>I know, because I do the same thing, see what I wrote to Heartache above: It is hard because we are still isn so much pain and I think that maybe we think if they admit it that somehow maybe we can become numb to the feeling and somehow know what to do...Do that make sense?? I use to cry so much until I thought that I would never be happy again...it is a little better now..but I know we are going to get through this...

Tatchina,<p>I have read some of your other post, and it's sounds a little different from mine, but my H wants to come back, I just can't let him, because I think he just want's to get thing going OK with me and start all over again, well I know he does, I just can't put myself thru this again, I was just hoping if he stays gone long enough he will get his life together and relazize that he has a family at home.

Heartache, have you seen any changes in him? If not, I agree, see, I let my WS come back before and he was not sincere..it was for his own selfish reasons..I did not see a change, so this time, I feel like I caused a lot of my own hurt.

there has not been a lot of change, of course he has been a little more nicer, but he keeps his communication tools, cell phone, beeper and I know I am not the only one with the numbers, he won't let you see anything.<p>I really think that in my heart that this will not work, but I have been with him so long and the kids, I really believe that this is the only reason I miss him, Just knowing that he had been there when he was..<p>And he has stayed out many of nights and I put up with a lot, and he is also a very abusive person mentally and recently got physical because I confronted him with some information I had, then he turned the whole story on me, saying I was the one seeing somebody. Really messed up!!<p>I will get better sooner or later!

Heartache, I had that same problem with the phone...and everything else in his life..everything was very private...sometimes if we would go somewhere he would forget to put the phone on vibrate and it would ring and he would not answer it..I would ask him who it was and he would always say no one...that would upset me a lot..he became very selfish after that relationship...he also would stay out late and when I call his phone, he would not answer...I know what you mean about not wanting to get back in that situation...I think we know when they are sincere...

Hello everyone,<p>I had a really hard night, could not sleep at all, I don't know if this is the new medicine or just so stressed out, I had so many thoughts running thru my mind, and I cried and got angry, just had every emotion last night, I feel so tired this morning, I hope I can make thru the day.