heartaches - I hope that you are feeling better since your last post - I can tell you that I have had many a sleepless nights since my D-day in October and it actually makes a stressful situation worse.. I don't feel that I have a decents nights sleep in months. But once I started my antidepressants - the crying stopped and I actually started feeling a little better - but I still had bad days - when another untruth was discovered - I still wake up at like 2 or 3 in the morning and I start freaking out about the status of my life but last night I got some sleeping medication that supposedly works for like 3 hours - so maybe you should look into that.. This situation we are all in is very hard - and the most important thing that I have learned so far is that - when I obsess which is very often - the worse I feel - I cannot change anything that has happened or anything that will happen but I can make myself feel better by not obsessing.... Good Luck

Sleepless nights. Too many of those for myself also. Hang in there. THings will get easier gradually. I thought about all that I had talked to last night before bed. My husband has been back at home since March (with mistakes here and there) and I told him of all the people I talked with yesterday and had him read some of the articles on this site. Although he won't tell the truth about sleeping with his OW he cried. FINALLY! Well, I shouldn't say finally, since he has cried plenty of times before. But this time I felt he could finally see inside of me. That the pain was real and he was able to frown and makes faces of things other men and women have done to their spouses. Only, it was an eye-opener to know he too, had done the same thing.
You hang in there. Sleepless nights I still have, even with him beside me. Too look at him and imagine the things I do is the hardest. Sometimes I question...am I lucky cause he is home with me, or would I be even luckier if he was gone. I will pray for you. Hang in there and know tonight that someone in Austin is thinking of you, has said a prayer for you and close your eyes and know that you DESERVE a good nights sleep...and much more!

Thank everyone for your replies, I am feeling ok, (Naw64) I will have to check with doctor about some pills to help me sleep, I will see, because I really need something, and I can't wait on the anti-deppressant to start working.<p>(Leti) I know how you feel I have seen the crying and everything, he went so far as to tell the kids part of the story and tell them that someone was lying on him(joke) he really believes himself, I just don't know what to do.<p>Last night I had my mind made up on what I wanted to do, I just don't know if I will have the strenght to do it!!

To everyone,<p>Please help me with this question, How can somebody have such strong feelings for two people?
is it really love for either one? or am I just dealing with someone that just dosen't care about anybody but himself?<p>any answers?

He doesn't love both of you...he just wants both of you. I am no therapist but that is just my take on it. I can find other men attractive, hell, while my husband was away I even made contact with an old flame just to see if it would make me feel better. It didn't. Why? Because my love for him was too strong. I could not see how my making a mistake would make it any easier in the end for us to work things out. I am glad I didn't do anything...never really even had the desire to. The conversation was great and yes, I can see how someone can get that void filled while their spouse is lacking, but it is just a strength that comes from within that kept me from taking that visit any step further. I don't think he really sees the love he feels for you (or the other one for that fact) I think all he sees right now is just filling the voids, where you lack he finds in her and where she lacks he finds in you. It is such a sad situation, but now that I have read all the info on the MB home page it all just makes so much sense. My husband was like a textbook case....just without the admitting of sleeping with her. Do I want to know....probably not. I don't know if I can handle another ounce of pain from him.

It's me again,<p>I guess you are right, but I can tell he feels something for her, although I hate the thought of it, but I know he does I heard how he talks to her a few times, he does not know I heard, it is just sickening because like I said she is yucky and that just really puts me down, (to me I feel like s**t) knowing that he could be with someone like that, I will be really glad when these pills kick in, and maybe I can get better.

Hi All,<p>I have also wondered the same thing...I too heard my H talking with the other woman and I even heard him say He Love Her...I was so hurt and felt like a big fool to even want him back after that..I always think that if my H was to come home right I still probably won't be happy, because he took so much from me..I hate that the OW knows the same intimacy that he once shared with me...I have some anti-depress pills but they make me fill sick..I do not focus well at all, it's like I can't keep my attention on anything for long...I am feeling so hopeless today..

Hello all,<p>I am feeling a little better than I did this morning, still a little sleepy, trying to stay busy, this is so hard for me because this is not the first affair my H has had and the last one he confessed, I believe because she was going to tell me, I think that was the only reason he told me, and he promised that the hurt he put me thru, he would never do it again, and it took me awhile, but I forgave him and believed him (FOOLISH) and I also know that he has had commnication with her after it was suppose to be over.<p>I have been thru a lot with this man and I really don't think this can be saved!

Hello all,<p>I guess today is a little better, still got to get used to medicine, feel a little lightheaded, Hope everyone is doing ok!!

Hey, I am glad to hear it's a better day. My night was awesome. My husband (who is still trying is hardest) took me and our baby out on a date last night. Red Lobster...YUM. Sad though, all I can do sometimes is wonder when that next screw up will be. It's so hard. How does a person know when and if he is serious or just hiding it a little better?? It's like I trusted him with everything and he destroyed that, and now, here he is, asking me to do it again. And for the sake of our marriage, if I want to remain married that's is eventually what I will have to do. I had him read some of the articles on this site. He loved the part about "not trusting the spouse...that we shouldn't trust in the first place"...now he tells me when I say, how can I ever trust you again...."don't....and I won't trust you....that way our love will forever be for us only." I love all he says and does now, but when.....when will I dig up something new.

Leti,<p>I know what you are going through. My W has never admitted her EA (PA?), in spite of everything I know. Here's a list:<p>1. Cell phone records which reveal 800+ calls to OM, his voice mail or hers.<p>2. Telephone recordings in which I found out he spent the night in her hotel room in Florida when they were down there for business a year ago; A girlfriend of hers was also there and my W defends this by saying they were all out drinking and were to drunk to drive him back to his hotel.<p>3. Telephone recordings in which she tells him she is in love with him; Originally she told me she said that because she knew I was recording her, but recently she said she doesn't know why she said that.<p>4. A secret meeting with him the night after I left for a month last year; We were out together that night and she said she was going home, but met him instead; She said it was a spur of the moment meeting because she was upset about us, but I know the meeting was planned.<p>5. Too many lies to mention.<p>The point is she'll never admit it because that would take the blame off me. I believe the EA is over for the most part, although I suspect contact continues to some degree. Shortly after d-day (5/01) she started talking about D. She eventually filed (11/01) but has taken no steps regarding it. We recently went through custody mediation and are working on an agreement, after which I will be leaving. There's nothing more I can do at this point. She never admitted anything, never showed any desire to save the marriage, but is dragging her feet on the divorce. IMHO, she knows her life will be no better or happier by getting divorced, but can't see herself happy with me. As far as admitting anything, she won't do that because she doesn't want to face the pain and damage she's done, the betrayal of me and our daughter, and most inportantly the betrayal of her own morals and values. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but at some point she won't be able to hide from the truth. I only hope I'm still around when that happens to help her through it. It's unlikely your H will not admit to everything until he feels a strong emotional connection with you and feels your marriage is back on track. If that happens, be prepared to help him through it. Good luck! <p>sad dad

Whoa. Everything you have gone through just sounds so similar to me. A hotel stay (which he says was his concellation prize to her because he knew he was coming back home and so did she), roses (because he was just trying to be macho and cocky) I even heard a message he left for her (after he had come home to fix things) asking her to do him a favor...or just do him. Of course he says he only said that as a joke....that it was never like that between them. I don't understand how someone who can utter the words "i love you, and don't want to hurt the kids" can do all he has done. <p>When does it end? Like you, for the most part I like to try and believe it is finally over between them. But hell, that's what I thought in Feb., Mar., and April....I ask him if he feels like he was in withdraw from her, but he says no...since it was never anything there to begin with. He just chalks it all up to her being a friend that took it the wrong way. Can I really believe that though...I know him and his style of romance. Hell, the roses, the hotel (the same one he took me for our first Valentines)...it was all the same. I even told him, "couln't you have been a little more original?" Of course his answer is that he was always trying to replicate what we had, but couldn't....he never stopped loving me just lost touch with all his emotions (he had started taking some Zoloft meds.). I want so much to believe in him again. This has certainly made me stronger and I want him to see I can be a better wife than I was before....but will he be a better husband. He says he will....but how can I believe him?

leti,<p>I feel the same way, I Know it is not over with my H and OW, I heard him say that they were waiting until things cool down at home(sad) so this is why I can't believe anything he says to me, or I don't know if what he told her was true, so I am sooo confused, this is why I had to separate from him, just to get myself together.<p>We have to get through this sooner or later!

Hi ladies!
I just wanted to pop in here real quick... I'm not sure if you have been properly welcomed, so I thought I would say hello! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm so glad you have found a support group - others going through similar things - to lean on and feel better about yourselves! That's definitely a great thing about this forum!!!<p>I'd also like to encourage you, if you haven't yet, to read through the Basic Concepts on this web-site, as well as the EN and LB Questionnaires. THe books His Needs, Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair are excellent resources, and can be ordered through this site as well.<p>Another great book is by Dr. Dobson, called Love Must be Tough.<p>Read all you can about Plan A, because that's probably where you all need to start. This is about identifying and working on yourselves - things that you did to contribute to the state of your marriage that made it susceptible to an affair. It's also about learning about your spouse (their top EN's, and begin meeting those... and their LB's, and avoid those at all costs). Plan A creates an environment that the WS would choose to return to, because statistically, affairs DON'T last!!!<p>THere's some great links in my signature line as well.<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders... roll up your sleeves and get to work. ALthough these principles can't guarantee saving your marriage, they will give it a great chance, AND help YOU survive this crisis in your life.<p>Keep reading and posting... and good luck! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Stay strong and keep the faith. Who am I to say that though...My husband and I went and talked to a priest that suggested we pray together. For almost 2 weeks at night and sometimes in the morning he would hold my hand and pray for forgiveness and strength to pull his marriage back together....that 2nd week was when he called and asked her to do him a favor....or just do him. To this day I boil when I hear him ask me or the kids to do him a favor. Am I the only crazy one that gets set off by things that are a horrid reminder of all he has done? Just to see a black Sentra or drive to South Austin....San Antonio....I worry of how are next Christmas will be (he left the week of)...or Feb. 10...her birthday when he took her to our San Antonio spot. The smallest things can set me off and I hate to get mad and open up all the wounds, but if he could just tell me how ugly she is or how gross he felt to look at her. I never hear that and wonder if when I say she is ugly is he getting mad inside because he thinks otherwise. I love my husband to death....how could he have done this to me??

Thanks Faith, I have and will continue to keep reading on this website, thanks for the encourgement.<p>Leti, I hear what you are saying, but my H has already told me that there was now way that he would be involved with a ugly woman like that he has dogged her out in front of me a few times when he was denying, but he still has been with her(so tell me what kind of man am I dealing with) I really believe he has a addiction, but won't admit it.

Hello Ladies,<p>I haven't been here in a while, I am not doing great, I guess it will get better, hopefully!!

Hey...hold that chin up!! I had a pretty sorry weekend myself. After a really good week (for the most part) with my husband, things fell apart this weekend. Sometimes, I just can't hold it in long enough. I try and I try to keep my mouth shut and keep the tacky comments to myself but why....why should I be the one biting my tongue after all he has done and all that I have to live with? <p>When he isn't remorseful for what he did it just really sets me off. TO the point where I make tacky comments even in front of the kids. I hate when I do that, but when my oldest laughs with me at least I feel like someone else agrees that what he did was really bad....not just really bad that he got busted.<p>I am so frustrated today. He doesn't even know how to make things better anymore, yet he insists he will not give up and I can't make him stop loving me. Give me a break!!!

Leti,<p>I know how you feel, I want to make so many comments it just kills me to keep them in, sometimes I just have to laugh at the way he constantly says he did not do anything with that ugly b***h(funny) he is going to deny it forever, I believe, but as times goes on he will let out more of the story, about her calling him(just to gossip) that is what he told me, he will hopefully let out the whole story sooner or later.<p>I am just a little depressed today, I haven't taken my med's in 3 days, I did take one today. It will get better for us!!

Ugly isn't even the word for what my husband considered his "friend" (since he won't admit to anything physical). I used to be so confident in our marriage, walking tall and knowing what a handsome couple we were. Now, I look at this picture on the internet and see that not only should I worry about beautiful women tempting my husband, but now I have "barn animals" to contend with. THis thing is so ugly and I am not one to be insecure with saying a woman is pretty or beautiful. But her.....she is just down right ugly. I try not to play so much on that with my husband...just because I am so afraid of him saying something that i will dissect into him saying she "isn't that bad"...Lucky for me (and him) he hasn't but gosh....give me some credit. It is almost harder now that I know what she looks like. <p>Harder in 2 ways....1-I want to give him credit that yes, she isn't the prettiest thing in the world, so maybe he is telling some truth about never having a physical attraction, just a friendship she took out of context. but then, 2-I see this girl and think of what a willing participant she was to going to a movie and to know my husband sent her roses for her birthday...no one does that "just because"....right?? If there is any man (or woman) who can give me a justification on why someone sends roses other than to "woo" someone I would really appreciate it. HELP!! This is the one thing that really drives me CRAZY!!!