This is my 1st day to try this and posting my subject and getting my 1st reply was uplifting. So now to the real issue....My husband can't/won't admit there was anything other than him trying to replace me, but he never could. SHE, on the other hand had a much different story but he chalks it all up to her being angry and jealous of me because she could never compare. There were roses, a trip to San Antonio for her b-day, he left me a week before Christmas so I am convinced he spent the holidays with her b/c he sure wasn't with me and our 3 kids. He won't admit to anything other than a friendship that she took way out of context, but all I find out is due to my digging and uncovering the truth--then he admits to just that. Is there anyone out there that actually made it through the difficult times? All my friends and family that have gone through this (sad there are so many) have all eventually ended their marriages. I don't want that for us but when will the pain go away? There is so much more he did....I'd bore you to death, then again, someone out there may be going through the same thing. I just need someone to talk to, I guess.

Hi leti, welcome. Sorry you are here.<p>I am sure there will be others along to offer their welcome and support but to answer your question...yes...there are success stories.<p>Go here and scroll down to success stories:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html<p>You should also check out this for starters:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000940<p>You are among many who have gone thru what you are going thru and are willing to share their wisdom and support. <p>Hang in there...<p>Good luck <p>E

Hi Leti,<p>Welcome to MB! Yes, my wife and I were just discussing last night how this is the first time in our 14.5 years of marriage that we truly feel that we are "one" and working toward the same goal. (our goal: an intimate, Christ centered marriage).<p>Infidelity was rampant for the first three years of our marriage and I basically buried all of my hurt and pain and never dealt with the affairs. My wife also withheld four other affairs from me until Dec 2000. <p>Is your H willing to go to see a MC with you? Is he willing to read any books or articles? (check out all of the articles here on the MB web site!)<p>Both you and your H need to heal and rebuild your marriage. If your H refuses to do so, then you need to take care of the things that you control (your feelings, your hurt, your pain) and heal/rebuild yourself. You can not force your H to do this... only he can decide to change. <p>I'd recommend getting the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... It outlines the entire process of an affair and some of the common 'thoughts/feelings' for both the BS and WS.<p>Again, welcome... there are other success stories out there. Keep reading and posting....<p>Take care,
RIF90

Leti, it sounds a LOT like my story. I have to show my H proof he is lying before he admitted it. I can say I have an email that proves your lying BUT he will NOT admit it UNTIL he sees the email, then he is sorry and it was dumb.<p>My H also would not admit he had an A at first. Then we had to define Affair. Did you know President Clinton did NOT have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky? Its true, in his mind he did NOT, BUT he was willing to admit his relationship was inappropriate. It is important that your H recognize the relationship is inappropriate and not JUST a "friendship". It took my H 6 years to admit he had a physical affair. But he was willing to admit it was an inappropriate relationship. What made it inappropriate? the bottom line is it was a "friendship" with a person of the opposite sex that I did not approve of. Thats all we could go on for a long time. I think there is only so much negative thoughts a person can have about themselves and then they go into denial to protect themselves from themselves - if that makes any sense. <p>One important part of handling the lies is our response or reaction to them. A lot of times they lie to protect themselves. They have to learn to trust us. So, now when I find out a lie I go to him calmly and give him the opportunity to be truthful. I ask him, then I may tell him I know more and ask him again. But the important thing is I start by telling him: I am committed to working on the marriage and I love him no matter what. We have to help them feel safe to tell the truth. Then I don't play games. I just "matter-of-factly" say: this is what I know, this is how I know, I am sorry you don't feel like you can trust me with that information that you feel you have to lie to me. I don't argue whether or not its the truth, cause I already know. I also don't scream and hollar because that encourages the lying. I also don't try and get him to admit it right away. I just state the facts and walk away. <p>We have been in recovery since September (read my signature line). I can honestly say it has been REALLY good for 3 months consistantly. It was very bumpy at first but this time I think we "get it". Keep posting...good luck!

You might want to check out a post by [H] called diary of a madman. He wrote this after he decided to reconcile with his wife. My situation was almost identical to his and his wifes so it has helped me a lot. [H] is very well versed in fog speak so it sort of helps you make a little sense of the irrational. Keep your chin up and read as many posts as you can. I spent 12 hours on this sight the day I found it.<p>Keep sharing with all of us and we will help.
Hugs to you!
Layli
PS I think it helps just knowing you aren't the only one going through this. I really started to turn around when I found this site.

To all that have replied. WOW!! Why didn't I know of this site back in December. Anyway, my husband says (and I say that cautiously) that he is now more than ever here for our marriage...to work through the bad and enjoy the good (whenever that may be). He is adamant at trying his best when something silly sets me off but occasionally I see the frustration. I guess that's when I get scared that he will run to her since it is just an easier situation for him. He is not one to tolerate confrontational situations, instead he just closes up. Me on the other hand, need to talk. Tell me how you feel is all I ever feel I say. I says he will never hurt me the way he did, but when will I ever believe in him again? I certainly do what the happiness but could stand to lose the pain I felt. Not to mention the lies....how many are still out there? We tried a marriage counselor, but during that course, he made contact with her once so in my eyes--what a waste of time. We talked to a priest once who gave us great advice on actually praying together...that resulted in 2 weeks later him calling her again so again in my eyes, what a waste. He swears that's been it...that was back in May but has it really ended or is he finally learning how to conceal his 2nd life. I really hate all this. It's the hardest thing I have been through and do appreciate all of your encouraging words. I am going to check out some success stories now....hope to continue hearing from you.

Layli, where do I find the "post by [H] called diary of a madman".. <p>Leti, I am like you, very new to this forum, but it really is helpful...what's so amazing about this is how we all have the same questions..

Here is [H]'s thread<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=009732

HI L,<p>take a look at the book his needs/her needs. Also men are from mars and women are from venus is another good one that will help each spouse understand the makeup of the other. Very different makeup but we live on the same planet. <p>Have you and your H taken the emotional needs questionnaire? It may be an eye opener. <p>L.