I just found out today that the A has been going on for 2 years. With such a long EA, is there any hope at all. Contact has cooled some but still exists.<p>I don't know whether just to give up.

WH and I had a long talk. We discussed his leaving pros and cons. We decided to give it more time even though EA still exists. I want to believe him but can't just yet.<p>He brought up some interesting points. He still blames me even though he knows what he did was wrong. He said I have lost myself and am no longer the person he married. I think that is true. I am so worried in pleasing him that I do not do anything for myself. I have been a hermit for months now. I need to fix myself and heal. I feel in my heart although things have been better with him, that he probably can't end the affair and that when I go to Plan B, he won't be back.<p>That is why I hang on. I have to be ready to be independant. I think by 6 months I will be ready. These past 4 mons. have been a mix of good and bad. These last 2 are going to be for me. I vow to do more for myself and my children. If it brings him back wonderful. If it doesn't I know I will be okay.<p>Just venting and if I say it enough it will be!

RNROSCOE,<p>I believe that I read somewhere that the infatuation hormones die off in around two years. Maybe all of a sudden his intense feelings (maybe just hormones) will die. Could be.<p>Like you, I am a giver. My joy comes from serving and make others feel good. Unfortunately, I gave up myself in the process. I am slowly regaining the self I lost. Think back in time to what you enjoyed doing. Write them all down and schedule it on the calender (maybe something today). Believe me he will take immediate notice. My wife did. <p>IMHO:His reason for not having feelings for you may be because you have conformed to what he wants you to be (which means you could be just like him) instead of being who you really are. The differnences we have between each other is called differentiation. This is what makes each of us "attractive" and "interesting" or "mysterious". This has not to do with just your leasurely activities, but your day to day confrontations. Stand up for what you think is right or for what you want. Do not bend to what you think or what he says.<p>This is really tough for me. I think I say way to often "yes dear." My wife has told me that she wishes I would not give into her wishes.<p>Put a little spice back into your life and give it a try.

RN
there are many people on here that had affairs many years over two years and they are pulling through and working on it. Dont give up if you dont want to. AND MANY ARE DOING OK NOW AND HAPPY
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RN<p>I can relate to you losing yourself and doing to please others. Isn't amazing how giving can be so wrong. <p>You need to make time for yourself first and foremost. I know it's hard with kids, but it is oh so worth it. I started getting my nails done, buying new cloths, went tanning in the winter months (not so much to be dark, just enough to look healthy and not be so white in June). <p>Years ago I had my nails done and stopped because of the hour it took every two weeks, I really never bought myself new clothes because there were always things to get for the kids and I figured my time would come later on. Heck, I would only buy myself new underwear if the elastic wouldn't hold them up any longer. My thought was, who sees them!!! The tanning thing may sound stupid, but I feel better about myself this summer and actually wear shorts in June because I'm not so self concious(sp?) about having these awful white legs. <p>Point I'm trying to make is I feel better about myself and I think that it shows in my attitude.<p>Your husband sounds like mine, a Taker. For so many years I took care of everything with the kids. If I had to work late, I'd call my mother to get the kids so that it didn't disturb his work day. I never really counted on him for any kind of running around with the kids. My feelings were he works so hard to provide for us that he needs to be free to do that. Well, that built up resentment in me and made him feel like he was only needed for a paycheck.<p>Not many people know about my H's A, so when we're out and someone says how great I look or how happy I look, I can see it on his face that he is thinking how stupid he was.<p>Do the plan A. Make the changes that make you happy and more confident, the rest will come. Even if he doesn't come around, you and your kids will be better off for it.<p>BTW, my H blamed me for everything too. Even called OW the victim in all this. Now, he's just working on ignoring her and her friends phone calls to him and getting on with our lives as best we can.<p>Hope this makes sense to you. It's time to stop being so selfish to yourself.

I am forcing myself to not dwell on my WH. He is definitely confused about his feelings towards me. He terms it commitment to me and obligation to the OW. I think he is as afraid as I am.<p>Yesterday was pleasant. I took my daughter to Target and shopped for the first time since Feb. 18th (the day before he told me about the A). I felt weird. With all the pain inside I felt like I shouldn't be happy. Anyway, I came home and my WH was at the soccer field with my daughter. The OW was there too but I stayed away and read a book instead. I ate dinner without him and warmed up supper when he got home. We did talk briefly but I had been up since 4am and was pretty incoherant by 10pm. I told him I was going to bed. He kissed me and off I went. About 1/2 hour later he wandered into the bedroom and kissed me again. He started talking to me and then held my hand.<p>It is so difficult. The tender moments give such hope that instinct tells you to let your guard down but you just can't. The conflict inside is horrific.<p>Today I plan to go to my sisters instead of following him to the soccer field where she is sure to be. I have to take baby steps. I go out first then, I enjoy.<p>Thanks for all the encouragement. As my daughter said "maybe you and dad are a work in progress". We'll see. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

hurting3475,<p>Isn't amazing how giving can be so wrong. <p>I am sure that you did not mean this the way it was written, but I will clarify it anyway. Giving is not wrong. It is only wrong when it interferes with your own well being and individuality.

My weekend was very nice. My WH took me out to lunch Friday and then out to dinner Friday night.<p>We went to a soccer tournament out of town and it was so relaxing. He even wanted to get up close and personal.<p>It was also troubling because the children are getting more and more resentful of their father. I do pity him because he doesn't get it.
My older D saw him talking to the OW at the soccer field and told her friend that she hated her father. She has become increasingly bitter towards him and a little rebelous. The younger D told he dad last night that please not to have the OW try to talk to her. It upsets her and she does not ever want to see her again. I have said nothing since last week. <p>I am doing better since I realized everything happens for a reason and I cannot control his behavior. I get less and less anxious about him being away from home. I have done more for myself in 5 days than in 4 months.<p>He said he realizes that someone will be left out in the cold. I hope he doesn't wait too long because if he does, the odds are it will be him. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]