I'm the BS and am not sure I want to work on the M. My H wants to keep trying, he keeps telling me that we can work through it. <p>I can't figure out if it's depression, the hurt and anger talking or if I really want out of the M. I keep wondering if I am the classic WAW and the A was just one more thing for me to withdraw from. <p>Did anyone else struggle with this? I keep going back and forth on this - Should I stay or should I go. <p>I start IC next week, I am hoping this will help give me some perspective. <p>Thanks for any advice or insight you might give.

Bearcub, it's your sister-in-law here. I'm not online much anymore, but I checked in, and I'm here to support you.<p>I have felt this way MANY times since D-Day. And the fact of the matter is that our WHs did a lot "less" with the OP than many others have!! But I know the betrayal is still the same.<p>Nonetheless, please do not do anything rash. Share these feeling with your H. Tell him you need him to talk you into staying. That deep down you really want to, but you feel you have been so disrespected by someone who swore to protect you that you just want to retreat into a shell and never trust again. Give him the chance to convince you.<p>I have thought about leaving many times. But I have 2 small children that have kept me there. Also, 6 months into recovery I also realize that had I left, my WH would have called, come to see me, courted me, begged me, etc to come back and eventually I would have out of love. (He's actually done all of this without me leaving!!) <p>Also remember that there are no guarantees when we move out or on. Maybe we'll decide to never love again, do you want to be that lonely? If you were to ever enter a committed relationship, you'd risk the same heartbreak and ache that you risk by giving your heart and your all back to your marriage. He knows how badly he's hurt you, and he probably actually wants to try harder to be faithful to you than some new man would after the new wore off!!<p>Take a deep breath, say a prayer, and "go do the right thing!!" [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi bearcub:<p>I am a BS my W had an A but it is me who wants this M and I am the one who is trying everything so that we stayed together, but I am like you some times I am not sure if I want my WW back....<p>It is a real test, not knowing what to do...<p>Just wanted to share my thoughts....<p>thelion<p>you can read my thread on PlanA/PlanB
plan B /Need advise!

jamup - you always show up when I need you. <p>We have been talking alot and he keeps telling me to hang in there that we need more time. He says that I need to think more positive. (positive is not really in my nature - not sure how to do this.) And, that I need to start telling myself the hurt will go away and that we will survive this. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Also, 6 months into recovery I also realize that had I left, my WH would have called, come to see me, courted me, begged me, etc to come back and eventually I would have out of love. (He's actually done all of this without me leaving!!)
<hr></blockquote><p>This is what my husband said he would do too. That if I left he would be out my house everyday and would never leave. That he would keep trying until I came back. He said he would never move on, that he would stay alone forever. <p>I think I would too. Not sure I would want to risk this hurt again. <p>We have a 17 S, I don't want him hurt anymore. He knows what has happened and sometimes I wish he was younger so he wouldn't understand what it really means. <p>Thanks for the words of wisdom, I needed to be pulled out of the dumpster that I am in today.<p>[ June 18, 2002: Message edited by: bearcub ]</p>

Hi Lion: <p>It is a real test. I keep having people tell me that I am a strong person and will be able to get through this. <p>I wish I could believe them. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Best of luck to you.

bearcub-<p>I'm going through the same feelings you are right now. I don't know if I want to be married to H anymore. See my thread for the details. Hang in there!<p>Llama Hhugs Tto Bbearcub!
Llama

Wow Llama - I found emails when my H was on a business trip. We did the first round via the phone lines. Sometimes I think that was best because we actually talked - no yelling or walking away. <p>It's a rough ride we are on. My thoughts are with you. <p>Bearcub

Same here, especially since my H is giving me time to decide if I really do want to save our M! Talk about rethinking things to death, when I already knew what I wanted, I want him, but to actually start thinking about it in detail started making my mind go crazy! I finally just had to get away to my escape up the road this evening do some meditation and prayer. I feel better now, I know what I want, what I wanted all along, my H!<p>I asked my friend the other night if it was normal to feel the way I was feeling. She just started laughing, and said yep, that's why there are flowers! You pick one and you pick the petals saying love him, love him not, then when you pick the last petal it's not the answer you want, so you pick another flower, and you go through the petals, and it's the other answer, and it's not what you want, so you pick another flower! <p>I don't want to love someone else again. I made a commitment 6 years ago to love my H and no other for the rest of my life, that is what I want, I want to grow old with this man, have his children, and love him forever. I was happy with that decision 6 years ago, and still am today. Even though he's made it hard to do so, for some reason I cannot explain, I still do.

thebetrayedone - I am glad you were able to get away and are feeling much better now. I am sure it takes a real load off your mind when you have made your decision. <p>Posting has made me re-evaluate where my mind is right now. Alot of turmoil but, I think I am beginning to see the light. I know that I want to keep working on my M. <p>We have 22yrs of history, we still like to do things together and I still like him (most days [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).

Hi Bearcub,<p>Yes... I've felt like this MANY times throughout our rebuilding process... I can honestly say that I don't feel that way anymore.<p>As your H continues to earn your trust, I think that you'll find that the "walk away" feelings will diminish.... at least they did for me. <p>There's nothing wrong with feeling the feelings that you are experiencing... I'm glad that you decided to come here before you actually "walked" away...<p>Best of luck to both of you...
RIF90

RIF90, thank you for responding. I was not able to get back to a computer last night. <p>I appreciate your encouraging words, this helps alot. It has been very hard these last few weeks and I can't seem to shake the "run away" feeling.<p>I'm trying to hang in there, it is a real struggle. <p>I'm glad I found this site, it has been a real help.

Hi Bearcub,<p>Hope you're feeling better today... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know how hard it is for you to believe that the hurt will "go away" and that things will get better. I can honestly say that the hurt doesn't really ever go away... but I've found that my RESPONSE to that hurt has changed over time. Yes it still hurts to think about my wife's As... but I'm getting to a point where I can recognize that hurt, realize that I've dealt with it, and then move on. As far as my M getting better... I truly feel that our M is better than it has EVER been in our 14.5 years of marriage!!! I love my wife and I know that she loves me! <p>I made a list of things that I really enjoyed/appreciated about my wife... Your list can contain anything that you appreciate about your H... try to think of the things that you enjoyed doing when you were dating... you know the FUN stuff that you used to do together before the kids, mortgages, bills and all came... I'd pull out my list whenever I started feeling "down" and would go over the list and try to think of more things to add... Didn't always work, but most of the time, just the act of pulling out my list would give me enough time to cool down and realize that I did have many reasons to love my wife.<p>You've taken the biggest step in that you are willing to stay and work on rebuilding your M. It's OK to feel hurt and angry... in fact that is part of the healing process... recognize this and then work on ways for YOU to deal with the hurt and anger. As time goes by, I think that you'll find that the good days will start to equal the bad days... then you'll eventually get to the point where the good days far exceed the bad ones.<p>Hang in there! You're doing a super job!<p>Take care,
RIF90

RIF90 - I needed a pep talk today. It's nice to hear someone else say that I am doing a good job and that I have taken the right steps. There are days when it doesn't seem like it. <p>I am having trouble letting the good stuff in. My H says I need to try and let go of some of the bad and try and let the good in. I have no idea how to do that. I came from a long line of grudge holders and I learned from the best (my mom). I hope that IC will help with this. <p>I hate always being doom and gloom. I truly love my H and he has said he loves me too. He keeps telling me that he regrets everything that happened, that it was the biggest mistake of his life, that it will never happen again because he now knows what to look for and has made changes to his "friend" list by deleting the females. <p>Someone posted a story about "cooking a frog" - Where if you put the frog is boiling water he will jump out but, if you put the frog in cold water and slightly turn up the heat, he will never know what happened until he's cooked. That is pretty much what happened with my H. Old friends from HS catching up, then she began turning up the heat.<p>Thanks again for responding, it helps to post my thoughts and worries.

Hi Bearcub,<p>I know what you mean about 'letting the good stuff in'... it takes time. <p>I got to a point where I actually felt more "comfortable" with holding on to all of the hurt and pain... I guess it was because I'd kept it all bottled up for so long. I had to learn to let out my hurt and pain and then deal with it... again, this all took lots of time. <p>I realized that there were many things in our marriage that needed to change, and that I was the only one that could change them. Once I started accepting responsibility for the things that I had control over and started making the changes in my actions/self, I found that my wife started to open up more as well.<p>There's nothing wrong with the 'doom and gloom' feelings. Let them out and deal with them. It will most probably be 'uncomfortable' for your H and he's probably going to want to move forward and just 'forgive and forget'... but you need to get all of your grudges out in the open and deal with them or else they will continue to resurface later in your M.<p>Again, I think you are doing a super job! You're going to have days where you don't think that anything is going right.... realize that, then try to think of ways to get over them BEFORE you have them...<p>Take care,
RIF90