From “Tell Me No Lies” by Ellyn Bader, PH.D. and Peter T. Pearson, PH.D.<p>The basic premise of this book is that lies, as they exist in all human interaction, and in particular in the Marriage relationship, have a certain pattern that they follow, “Marital Stages”, as they are described in the book. These are “The Honeymoon”, “Emerging Differences”. “Freedom”, and “Together as Two”. This work deals with identifying them, understanding what they mean, and making the necessary changes to avoid the pitfalls and dangers of allowing them to progress.<p>I’m transcribing all of this because I saw a lot of elements in this story that I can relate to my M, and this particular work deals with the “lies” factor; how the arrival at this stage of the “lies progression” through the “Marital Stages” plays a critical role in the affair and the aftermath of the affair, in particular with the difficulty in arriving at the truth, the admission, that so many BSs so desperately need in order to be able to try to recover their Ms. I think many here who in one way or another are dealing with lies will find it very interesting and illuminating.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Ch. 9 – Freedom Unhinged: The shocking price of “Anything Goes”<p> John and Sarah’s sons had now reached adolescence. Like many estranged couples, they endured a joyless, grinding relationship. There were pockets of relief, but it was neither profound enough nor long enough to offer sustained hope for a better future. Sarah occasionally cared enough to get angry at John, but the results were dreadfully predictable; He would clam up, snap back, or apologize without changing his behavior. Ironically, John regarded Sarah’s bursts of anger as signs of her dwindling feelings. He didn’t realize that apathy – not hate or anger – is the opposite of love.<p>The idea of discussing his distress with Sarah was not even on John’s radar screen because they had simply avoided too many earlier opportunities to tackle unpleasant topics. Their marital problem-solving muscles had atrophied. They could not even begin to respond to the complex set of self-deceptions, hidden truths, and disillusionments that had accumulated over the years.<p>To allay his guilt, John told himself that there was no emotional involvement. He needed sex and Sarah would not respond, so once or twice a month John had a “business meeting” in another city. John had these “meetings” for two years and, just as he thought, they were only for physical release.<p>But life rarely remains simple. John met another woman at a professional conference and developed a romantic attachment, one that was emotional as well as physical. He felt alive for the first time in years. He hadn’t been looking actively for a new relationship because he had resigned himself to staying with and providing for Sarah and the boys. But he was relieved to put an end to one-night stands. They were feeling increasingly empty, and he was beginning to be haunted by the though of AIDS.<p>As the months passed, he became more enchanted with the other woman, but leaving the marriage was not an option for him, so he lavished gifts on her. He constantly lied to Sarah to cover up the affair, but he no longer felt as guilty about it. He told himself the marriage was over. He just never told Sarah. <hr></blockquote><p>If this sounds like it could be you, read on; it gets very interesting.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Marital Chaos
Up until now, your marriage has maintained at least a semblance of order. In the detours you stumbled into, you at least lived according to the norms of marital propriety, in fact if not in spirit.<p>No more. Welcome to Freedom Unhinged. What we have now is marital anarchy. Marriage by mob rule. Marriage as a war zone. Look around and you’ll see the scattered debris of all the falsehoods you have told each other, the wreckage of long-held lies. You’ve annihilated your few remaining connections. There’s nothing solid left to stand on.<p>You can assume you’re in Freedom Unhinged when you really don’t care much about the other person at all. You’re concerned with your own interests and your partner represents little more than an obligation or inconvenience because you two haven’t worked to understand, resolve, or accept your differences. It may be hard to recall what you ever saw in each other. Lying has become so habitual that it’s automatic. You don’t think twice about it.<p>Descending into the realm of Freedom Unhinged does absolutely nothing positive for a relationship, and its disintegration serves as a giant SOS. When you suspect that lies have grown completely out of control, you’d better listen to those wailing sirens. This is serious. Unless you take direct action to prevent it, things will explode.<p>The prognosis for freedom Unhinged depends on how much damage the lies have caused. With effort and commitment, some couples can and do work through the deception. They do the tough emotional work that had been left undone from earlier stages. They learn that they can reconstruct their union out of stronger material. During the betrayal’s denouement, however, it can be hard for anyone to envision a way out.<p>A marriage gets unhinged in one of two ways: either one partner becomes deceitful or both partners do. When one partner is chronically deceptive the lies often build until they become large, felony lies-and then the marriage snaps. Infidelity tops the list, though there are different types and degrees of adultery; a one-time, one-night stand will have different implications for a marriage that a long term, clandestine affair with, say, the wronged partner’s best friend. Affairs may involve other secrets that affect the marriage. For instance, family funds may be diverted to keep the adulterer under cover or to maintain a paramour in grand style.<p>Dangerous lies rarely arise full-blown without warning. Couples often pretend that “the big one” came out of nowhere, that they just happened to be standing in the way when the bomb exploded. But if they focus on the cataclysm without looking at what occurred prior to that point, it’s like trying to reconstruct a primitive civilization based on a few shards of pottery. You need to continue excavating in order to slowly piece together the complete picture.<p>…<p>In an unhinged state, partners don’t make the effort to reach out across the divide. Their lies keep them cut off from each other and are also used to steer away from a dangerous collision of truths-a crash that, despite their efforts, will unavoidably occur.<p>…<p>Freedom unhinged couples are those who have failed to develop mechanisms to deal with differences. They’ve struggled over supporting each other and have finally given up. They have trouble articulating and negotiating for what they want, so rather than making the effort, they just do what they want. They act as if they’re still single, or that certain commitments have become null and void because they’ve become inconvenient. Regard for the other partner is nonexistent.<p>…<p>Rebellious anger tends to fuel this stage. People express this in different ways, but the underlying feeling is, “I’ll show you. I’ll get what I need even if I have to trample you to do it.” This attitude stems from feeling wronged, controlled, or stifled by the other person. When Freedom Unhinged is in full throttle, so-called loving partners may feel venomous, vindictive, malicious, and malevolent towards each other.<p>…<p>Freedom Unhinged is marked by sneaky, vindictive behavior. Examples are spending a lot of money on something extravagant while the other person is scrimping, or telling nasty stories to friends or family members that highlight the other’s faults. These actions flaunt your indifference to your partner; you’re trying to “get” them. Usually one partner does the overt acting out; the other may retreat emotionally or cling excessively as she feels her marriage slipping away.
Sometimes one partner feigns being nice, out of guilt or the hope that he can avoid being caught.<p>…<p>Lies to the Self
Self-deceptions perpetuate the Freedom Unhinged Stage, postponing the moment when the couple has to confront the mess they’ve created. The lying partner deceives himself about how his behavior is affecting his partner. “What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” Someone who lies rebelliously and calls it independence is fooling himself about his own fears. “Sure I could tell my spouse about it, but I just don’t think I should HAVE to.” When the other person lies, someone may deceive himself by saying, “This will pass,” or “Whatever I do, it won’t make any difference,” or “I’m sure I’m making too much of things.”<p>With may Freedom Unhinged lies, there’s an overriding justification the person gives herself to continue lying. The excuse may be pretty weak, but it’s enough for the liar to feel comfortable about herself even while building herself a house of cards.<p>…<p>Freedom Unhinged is unique among the Stages in that there is a showdown. The deceiver becomes ensnared in his own lie-ready or not. This usually happens when the partner finally pushes questioning far enough and decides NOT to accept any more feeble excuses. Some people are relieved to get their comeuppance. They were looking for ways to end the dishonesty and were hoping to salvage the marriage. Or, more likely, they wanted out but wouldn’t take the responsibility for ending the marriage. Others get caught short. They devoted so much energy to bolstering the lie that they truly did not know what was left.<p>Often the one who has been deceptive will continue to hold back some of the truth. She may force her partner to badger her for details. Sometimes this is because the truth is ruthlessly hurtful, and the liar wants to avoid allowing it to escape. Sometimes the liar is reluctant to expose just how low he has stooped in his deception. When the truth is incomplete, the other partner wants to think, “That’s it there’s nothing else to learn”, but then more unpleasant information seeps out. Each time this occurs it destabilizes the relationship even further.<p>Denials
When one partner catches the other in a deception, the liar often simply does what she always does when she’s in a bind: She lies and denies all accusations. But lying on top of lies severs every last thread of credibility a person may have. The more someone lies to cover other lies, the harder it will be to pull things back together. At a certain point this becomes worse than the original dishonesty. It makes the other partner feel irrational because it is humiliating to beg for the truth and still not receive the full story. The continued deception makes it that much harder to forgive.<p>…<p>The period immediately after the truthful revelation is crucial. It’s the couple’s Rubicon; they have a very brief time in which to decide their next moves. Like any crisis, it presents both opportunity and danger. The opportunity is for one or both partners to undergo major self-examination and make significant changes in their way of relating. Without those changes, the risk of continued lying, hurt, and defensiveness remains. If the partners lapse into old patterns, their chance of surviving as a couple is slim.<p>When the deceiver continues lying, it’s tantamount to ending the relationship. Some people who aren’t ready to be truthful tell more lies to cover their bases. But this, they soon realize, rules out other options-like ever being trusted again. Couples who do decide to try honesty face the difficult task of repairing all the damage the deception has wrought.<p>…<p>What to do about those lies
You’re better off not waiting to get caught in an unhinged lie if you have any hope of preserving your marriage. It’s preferable to take responsibility up front for the deception. The longer a deception continues, the lower the chances of rebuilding trust. The less responsibility the partner takes, the less likely it is that he will do the difficult work that will be needed to re-stabilize the relationship.<p>…<p>If you have lied, acknowledge your partner’s anger
The damage inflicted by extreme lies can be repaired. It won’t be comfortable. It won’t be simple. It won’t be quick. <p>…<p>Where do you start? You start by noting the reasons why you are choosing to undergo the ordeal of rehabilitating your relationship. And it will be an ordeal. The more reasons you can generate, the more motivated you will be. The reasons may stem from the horrible feeling weighing on you for having corrupted a relationship. You have violated your own integrity about how you want to be as a partner, a parent, a human being. You will have to come to terms with the fact that no matter how you were treated by your partner, you are still responsible for your choices and how you carried them out. Justifying what you did because of how you were treated in the past or are treated in the present is only making an excuse and undermining future trust.<p>…<p>Here are things to keep in mind as you own up:
Claiming responsibility is difficult…
Recognize that the ugly truths that get exposed only represent a part of you, not all of you…
Your partner will want to keep exploring the events that occurred…
There will be anger…
The thought of unleashing this anger terrifies you…
Choose a time and place to deal with rancorous feelings…
Accept the fact that you cannot talk your partner into giving up his or her anger and grief…
Give up any hope that you can appease anger with a quick promise…
Try to understand how you’ve struck your partner’s vulnerable points…
Your partner is going to expect you to take responsibility for your deceptiveness. A key step in this direction is offering a full, honest apology.
Here’s how to assume responsibility without resorting to excuses:
1. Admit what you did;
2. Expose how you feel about what you did;
3. Acknowledge that you recognize the impact the deception had on your partner and why it had that impact. This last part is challenging. To be effective, you have to know your partner better.<p>…<p>Some people don’t ever want to admit the extent of the damage they’ve inflicted on their partner. One man compulsively gambled for three years and insisted that it wasn’t a problem because he never delved into family accounts. But it DID impact the family: He was absent frequently and highly distracted around his kids; his wife was weary and resentful.<p>If, in the process of coming clean, you find yourself impatient that your partner’s not getting over it, ask yourself if you really GET what he is expressing. Feeling sure that you truly empathize with his experience will help lead to forgiveness.<p>Anticipate your partner’s need to see evidence of real change. Facile assurances will be experienced as lies. She’s been misled before; she’s going to want to witness change with her own eyes before being satisfied that you intend to change.<p>As part of this you may have to do things that you’re reluctant to do, even some you find humiliating. For instance, your partner might ask to see a letter that you write to the other person in which you end the affair. Recognize that there’s a reason she wants this and step up to real accountability. Certain situations are going to increase anxiety, such as when you return to the place where you had the affair or when you get a new secretary or boss who is physically attractive.<p>Be proactive. Try to recognize what your partner wants even before you’re in the situation…<p>…<p>If you were lied to, be prepared to listen to the truth<p>…<p>The most important point to remember is, YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM. You may merit sympathy but not pity. As the story of the treachery unfolds, you’ll need to accept that, one way or another, you were a player in this drama, perhaps by inviting lies, or by purposely ignoring what you didn’t want to know, or at least by denying to yourself that such a thing could ever happen to you. Many people resist examining their own role in a deception because it’s so easy to play the aggrieved party and persecute the other person instead. But it’s all part of the narrative that you’ll want to understand to move forward.<p>Decide what type of future you want…
Reject revenge…
Acknowledge your own lack of action…<p>Moving On
When major lies are revealed, the big questions are, Will your marriage become more honest, or will it collapse under the stress? If you stay together, are you going to revert to old deceptive patterns, or can you transcend them? Crisis often shock people out of complacency and call upon new strengths. After the blow-up there’s a sliver of opportunity where all pretense has been stripped away, and you can choose how to cope with the catastrophe…<hr></blockquote>
