I was spending the nite at my WH place last nite waiting for him to come home when i pick up a call from OW's Mother. H have been telling OW that he's divorcing/separating from me. However H's actions towards me is nowhere near that of a person who wants to divorce. He still kisses me and we still hold hands when we go out.Even after D-day, he still want to hold on to our R.Please read my story.
OW's mother wants to arrange a meeting between OW and me to tell OW that H is just cheating OW's feeling. <p>I'm totally in pain now, wondering if he wants to separate from me. I'm afraid that when H finds out the meeting, he will be angry and be driven further away from me.
I'm currently in Plan A now and plan to Plan B him in another 4 mths.
Should i plan B after the meeting?Should i even meet her? OW's Mother main aim is to get her daughter away from WH,becoz she dislike WH and her own daughter being a OW.<p>My story

Letting the OW know that your marriage is far from over can be a good thing.<p>But I think you do it on YOUR terms, not at the OW or her mother's beck and call.<p>What do you need?<p>You see, right now, no one is looking out for you. Not the OW, not her mother, and certianly not your H. <p>You have to do what you need to do.

I want my marriage to work and i feel it's better to follow my own plan.
Right now, i can't concenrate on my work or look after my D now, i feel like giving up and move to Plan B now, but isn't that's what OW is waiting for? Will a talk with my WH help now? feeling really depressed now

FWIW, I was advised by two separate counselors (one of whom was Steve Harley, not to drop any names [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) - to go and talk to my WW's OM.<p>The deal there was that she had constructed her dual life in almost absolute perfection: she works with OM, and her work is about 50 miles from where we live (I commute 50 miles the opposite way to my job - not fun BTW [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ). Anyhow, similar story: she told him very little about me other than that she wanted to divorce me. Of course, we were in MC together, and she was certainly not using the D word around me. So in my case, it made perfect sense, I think.<p>I picked my moment and went to see him face-to-face - that was suggested by SH - so that every time he sees her face, he sees mine now [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I approached him very peacibly, thoughtfully, and I had a few key "scripts" I wanted to go over. I got my points across, asked him if he had any questions, patted him on the shoulder, and left. WW later told me that he didn't sleep a wink that night - awww, poor baby [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyhow, the confrontation was intended to remove much of the fantasy element in the A. And I believe it has, although it took a little bit of time to "take" I think. They were pretty much at the peak of the A at the time, so I could have detonated an atomic bomb and it wouldn't have STOPPED it... but the seeds of doubt were sown... I think they were already there, probably, but I might have added some water and fertilizer [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] LOL<p>I'm currently in Plan B, but things are starting to look interesting... I'll post an update shortly.

Hi J.R! Thanks for your very interesting input!
Could you pls elaborate more about looking up the OM. Was it arranged?
How did your WW find out?What was her reaction?
What are the counselors opinion about letting your spouse know about the meeting?
Did you Plan B straight after meeting OM or continue to Plan A?
I did not seek counselling so any information will be very helpful in helping me decide. thanks, i look forward to reading ur update with your WW.
btw, how do u insert the smiley face? =)<p>[ June 19, 2002: Message edited by: Confuse n Lost ]</p>

i did some snooping ard just now and i believe they actually went on a vacation on their annivasary...this suxs,i asked him to go on a short holiday with me on OUR annivasary and all i got was a movie date and him acting like when we were still dating(i had thought he was coming out of fog)
OW actually came to visit him after i left for work today...i know bcoz i peek at his cellphone message to her askig what time she'll be seeing him WHILE i was laying in his arms!
I can feel their A getting intensive and i feel so discouraged. Its so difficult not able to talk to him because of LBs.
I find that the more time i spend with him, the more difficult to be detached.
My plan A don't seem to have any effect except helping us to avoid arguments and I've been avoiding LBs eg disrespectful judgements ('i'm right u are wrong')and angry outbursts.
In fact, WH is commiting all the LBs to me, yet my Lovebank is not exhausted!? everytime i discover some little things about the A, i get so depressed.<p>Any opinions about me bringing up a talk to WH about the A? EG, our marriage have zero chance as long as he's in the A and our young daughter have zero chance of having a good father and family which she don't deserve.
We were married for just 6mths when he started to flirt around and from OW's mother, the A seem to start from March'01.
I feel so wronged - sacrifiying my future for him,had had no chance of making up to him when we argued in the first year and watever strong feelings he have for me vanished so fast.
Thanks for letting me vent, the going gets tough <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

CnL, I'll try to answer some of your questions...<p>>>> Could you pls elaborate more about looking up the OM. Was it arranged? <<<<p>I found his apartment address using a reverse phone number lookup. I had phone bills that showed his number (they are local toll calls - not local). I believe the agency I used was discreetdata.com. Any of the other places I tried didn't work because they only gave a street address - I needed an apartment number.<p>>>> How did your WW find out? <<<<p>I talked to OM on what I think was a Wednesday evening around 9:00 PM. I told her the next morning... by design. The purpose of this was to destroy the fantasy, so leaving it a secret would not help that.<p>>>> What was her reaction? <<<<p>I've never seen anyone react so incredibly emotionally about anything, ever!! She literally freaked right out! At first, she asked me what I'd done last night... I said, "well, I took a trip to --- to talk to OM." She stared at me for about 15 seconds, mouth wide open, big eyes - shocked. Then she started screaming, slamming doors, etc. Said she was moving out. I kept as calm as I could - tried not to LB. To her insiting on moving out, I just said, "You need to do whatever you need to do", etc.<p>Well, reality was she didn't move out. She "tried" within a couple of weeks of it... but backed out. I think THAT action probably had a major impact on the A, maybe even more than my talk.<p>>>> What are the counselors opinion about letting your spouse know about the meeting? <<<<p>Steve said it was necessary. IC/MC had no opinion about that - let me make the decisions.<p>>>> Did you Plan B straight after meeting OM or continue to Plan A? <<<<p>Go to plan B right there? Oh no! It was such a HUGE Love Buster! Would have been a terrible note to end on. Instead, I sucked it up, and renewed myself on my own actions, my own courage, my own strength. In a way, it was the ultimate way of focusing back onto me, and I realized that it might change things - and I should be patient to see what happens. I kicked up my Plan A as strong as I could to "make up for" the LB factor. It was hard, given that she was pretty emotional there for a while. I think I DID push them together a bit for a short period - but as is often the case, that backfired between them at some point. At some point afterwards, she started spending more time at home with me, started become a bit more "wifely". That gave me some strength to go on.<p>>>> how do u insert the smiley face? <<<<p>colon followed by the ")" seems to do the trick!<p>>>> Any opinions about me bringing up a talk to WH about the A? <<<<p>My personal opinion is that I did my best Plan A when NOT discussing the A, OP or anything negative at all. It was very, very hard at times, especially when she was wandering in late. But I found the serious talk generally just pushed her away. I knew I'd have my day for it... just not now. She needs to be ready and willing - and she's been neither! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>>>> I feel so wronged - sacrifiying my future for him,had had no chance of making up to him when we argued in the first year and watever strong feelings he have for me vanished so fast <<<<p>Don't get too discouraged... feelings don't just vanish. That's the reason WS tend to hang on to all their options for as long as they possibly can... because they realize their feelings are going to get hurt one way or another. We can't control what choice they make, but we can influence them by being the kind of people they'd WANT to be M to... and I've found that generally means being upbeat (even when I feel crappy), being confident, being kind, and taking care of myself. It takes the pressure off of them in a way, and that is a very attractive thing... their A environment will slowly contain more and more pressure until it finally blows!<p>As for my current situation... well, I'm in Plan B right now. WW has e-mailed me a few times this week, and her tone has changed, trying to sound a little less business-like. I think my going to Plan B possibly pushed her into her fog a bit - but that could be temporary. I know she's upset and unhappy right now. The question becomes how much of that is she willing to "take" before "breaking". I have no idea, and I need to not worry about it. That's the best thing we can do - not worry about things we can't control!<p>[ June 19, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

Thanks for sharing ur experience, J.R.
I feel so much better some sleep. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Last nite was sort of like another D-day for me.
Reading about how you cope really help to give me strength to continue Plan A and avoid the negative stuff and get back on track.<p>Hopefully i'll be able to move in and spend more time with him soon after i quit my job and start studying - i remember him complaining that i was neglected him at the very beginning ( i juz started working and i have to look after our baby)<p>Sounds like ur wife is melting already... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
Hang in there and...stay positive to her no matter what she says!