Your post to Tatchina who asked about the WS feeling pain after seperation/divorce has spawned a few questions I would like to ask you.<p>You stated that you felt anxious, lost and depressed during the A. My H has stated feeling the same way during the A, was there anything that helped you through this?<p>My H is now dealing with the guilt of the A. It has been over since mid April. He filed for divorce, but last week said he doesn't want to give me the papers now and that he loves me, but that he still needs some time to really decide if he wants to work on the M, and wants me to do the same. He asked me directly if I really do love him enough to still love him after what all he has put me through, and for how long I could continue to love him. He doesn't seem to understand how I could still love him and want to be with him after all of this, and I think that is scaring him. He made the statement that he is afraid I'll wake up one day and be like what the hell am I doing here with this jerk and harm him in some way.<p>Do you have any suggestions on how I could ease some of his fears? I think he truly wants to be with me, but he is afraid of getting hurt again by me, and is afraid of hurting me more. He also feels terrible for what he did, he says he's sorry everytime we talk. I tell him time and time again that I have forgiven him, but he still asks for it.<p>Do you have any pointers that could help me out here? I just wish I could say something that would put his heart at ease, and release his fears and guilt. What helped you get past this point?

Hello thebetrayedone,
Reading your question was like looking in the mirror. That's exactly how I felt and still do sometimes. I am sorry to hear you and H are going through this. Lets see if I can shed some light on what your husband might be thinking how you can help him.<p>Right now you H feels like he has no other option but to get a D. He feels like what he has done can never be forgiven. It's hard for a WS to imagine someone could forgive them for doing something so horrible. From your post you know this already. I will bet he does love you and does want to work on his M but he does not want things to go back to the way they where before (I am sure you don't either). He thinks healing your M is impossible. I used to say "some things can't be undone" and they can't be, but what I have learned is they can be healed and made to be stronger. I can not stress enough how much this is true.<p>I know you are hurt by your H's actions but you need to know is he is hurting too. You need to know this because he needs to start feeling better. See, I am guessing that all he wants right now is for the pain to stop. He feels the only way to make it stop is to run from it, to forget about it. The whole fight or flight thing.<p>Here is what you can do to help.
Tell him you love him even though what he did was wrong.
Try and understand what he did, do not judge. Spend time healing your M not punishing him for almost destroying it. Remind yourself he is only human.
You need to let him know you are able to forgive him. You need to prove to him you mean it too.
He needs to feel safe talking to you. No LB, the more you LB him the more he will pull away. You want to pull him closer so make plenty of $LBD!
Show respect. This is a big one. Right now he feels he will be treated like scum the rest of his M. That's only because he feels like scum.
Talk to him about EN and explane to him that your willing to meet them the best you can.
Think before you speak. Don't say anything with out giving it thought. Try to think of things from his point of view. What I mean is ask yourself " is there a better way to say this without LB?"
Admit to your part in all this. I don't know your story but I know both parties usually have something to do with marital problems.
Give him hope. Remind him of the good times, explain you want to have more of them together.
MC/IC They helped my W and I a lot.<p>There are some things to think about and try. Always remember what goes around comes around. Doing all this will be returned to you if all goes well. I will check back on you soon....<p>[ June 19, 2002: Message edited by: Love_Her_Madly ]</p>

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Well, alot has changed in the last 36 hours! My H has moved in with me and wants for us to start working on us. He called me yesterday morning and asked if he could move in, I said of course, and he said good, I'll be there tonight!<p>We had a good discussion last night. He really wants us to be happy, and he even made the comment that he said all those bad things about me to try to justify what he was doing, but he sees now that I really am a great person and has been by his side through this all. He stated that he was a little upset because I didn't come "fight" for him, and I told him that I didn't want to come fight for him. That sure I could of went told him to get his butt home and dragged him here, but that I wanted him to come here on his own free will, that that would let me know that it was true. He said he kept saying that to himself, but for some reason he kept questioning himself about it to. I completely let go and let God take over, went to my own form of Plan B, and he came home, because he said he realized he wasn't being fair to me as his wife, and that his heart still pulled him to me and that he still loves me, and is still in love with me.<p>We still have alot of talking to do, and a journey in front of us, but the advise you have given is what I have been doing all along, so I guess I'm on the right path. He will never go a day without knowing that I love him, care for him, and cherish him for the rest of his days here on earth. <p>He told me to feel free to ask him any questions I may have, that he refuses to lie to me any more, and is tired of living the double life. That he wants to move on with us, and has made his own decision to never have contact with the OW again, as he said out of respect for me and our marriage. He said he also has learned from this that if any feelings ever start to occur with someone else, that he will not hesitate to run from them, that he will never want to put me or himself through this again. He has said all these things on his own, with out me implying them or anything.<p>I know the journey is going to be rough at times, and he knows this as well, and as he put it, that is what forgiveness is for, and that we will work through this together. He was happy and relaxed last night, the first time in a long time. I think everything is going to be ok!

Oh you don’t know how happy your post made me!!!! I am so happy you and your H have started on the road to healing your M. <p>I bet you know this already but I am still going to say it. NO LB and take your time. You’re going to need answers to your questions to help you heal. Make sure you let him know when you ask those hard to ask questions, that is the reason why. Good luck to you both but the path has been cleared. Good luck and let me know how things are going.<p>LHM<p>[ June 20, 2002: Message edited by: Love_Her_Madly ]</p>

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Well, again alot has happened since my last post!<p>I thought the A was over back in April, found out it became over Wednesday night. OW and H had moved in together, evedently the living with each other and reality hitting them thing occured. He had gotten off from work early Wednesday night, went to thier place when no one else was home (they were living with another person) packed his stuff, left a note and came to me. He found out yesterday from the roommate that 10 minutes after OW read the note, her stuff was packed and she was gone back to her H.<p>My H decided yesterday that he would move back in with his parents and get his act together before moving in permanently with me. He is having financial problems and his Dad is offering to help him out, plus he said he didn't want to come into my house with an ounce of the OW still in his heart, and he wanted to clean up his screw up's and start again with a clean slate with me and not drag his financial problems in as well. <p>He told me to look at it like he was just going on a business trip for a few days to get things straightened out. He left his stuff here, just took a few outfits and essentials. He called to tell me good morning today and I love you, and he was here when I came home tonight. He had to go to his house to sit down with his father about some things, then he's suspossed to be coming back over to watch a movie with me tonight. And yes, he is at his house, sorry, already investigated that.<p>I'm scared to let my guard down completely, but I can see tonight that he was really hurting. I just looked at him and said that I didn't know what to say, other than I love you. He looked at me and said know that I love you too. I want to just hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok, and at the same time I just want to be held and told the same thing too.

Betrayed....man it is so great reading your success story. It really sounds like you and husband are going in the right direction.<p> When the WS starts working on himself you will see a much better person that will make the marriage a much better place to be. What I mean by that is the WS will start dealing with his problems in the marriage( not meeting your en's,addiction..etc). When the WS takes this step of admitting to themselves that he/she has things to fix within themselves then they will be a much better person to work on the marriage because he/she won't have the garbage in his life that was responsible for the deteriation of the marriage to begin with. <p> When the WS really examines the situation and starts taking actions on their own to make the marriage better, fact finding if you will( reading, coming to MB, counseling), then I think the marrriage has a chance to recover. It is a humbling experience to self examine ourselves but if we would do it on a regular basis I think we would see that we need to work on ourselves much more than we think. God has a way of pointing things out to us.<p> I am praying that God will continue to bless your marriage. Seeing stories like yours on here is so much encouragement to me to keep fighting for my marriage because I know it can be restored. <p> Love in Christ<p> cajunky