I need lot's of help. I am very confused right now about what to do. My wife left me for OM about 9 months ago. I have physical custody of my three kids. For the first four or five months she would keep telling me she was coming home and would set dates and then keep moving them forward. She rarely came home and saw me and the kids, maybe once or twice a month. The talk about coming home has now stopped. <p>Now things have just kind of been in a lull. I have told her that I plan on moving to the city she lives in, which is about 50 miles away to be closer to her and her family and my family so I can get some help with the kids. <p>She is now coming to see us at least once a week. I believe I have been in a plan A for about three months. I have been living off unemployment for about six months. I am now trying to find employment but child care costs are going to about $1500 per month. Right now she is court ordered to pay me about $642 per month, but I think the only way she will help me with the child care is if I follow through with the legal separation and she would then be ordered to pay for half of the daycare once I become employed.<p> I want to be employed when I do plan B, but it is very hard right now in the situation that I am in. She says she would quit her job and watch the kids if I got a job because of the daycare costs, but how could I do a plan B then?<p>WS is pregnant and due 08-25-2002. Father could be BS or OM.<p>My questions are:
Is it too soon to implement plan B when I do the legal separation? <p>The legal separation has been filed in the courts, I just need to let my attourney know when to have WS served with the papers.<p>Should I wait and do plan B until after the baby is born? Does this even matter?<p>Help?

Hi C,<p>I am glad U posted this here. Let's bump this one up and get you some support. A couple of the guys are going on vacation soon but others are around. <p>Hang in there. The posse's a comin'. <p>L.

committed68,<p>Orchid already gave you some pointers, your situation is not unique ... someone in this forum will have similiar situation. For now please use your time to understand the basic concept, learn about EN, LB, LB$, plan A/B & read as much as you can from the general welcome links. It seems like you have read some part of MB, that is good. We are here to lend support, a shoulder to lean on, we give our personal oppinion. Take what you need and ignore the rest. For advice, please seek MB conseling, they have helped me a lot.<p>Now this is my 2¢. Learn about MB then sit down and think what you want. Take a hard look of your situation. It will not be easy specially there is a possiblity of OC. You must have a 'coaster ride that I would not think that I could survive it. Understand that if your W willing you might be able to rebuild your M w/ care, protection, time and honesty. There is no guarantee but when you are done you will be guilt free and will help you out on your own personnal recovery. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>My questions are:
Is it too soon to implement plan B when I do the legal separation? <p>The legal separation has been filed in the courts, I just need to let my attourney know when to have WS served with the papers.<p>Should I wait and do plan B until after the baby is born? Does this even matter?
</strong><hr></blockquote>
Stay in plan A as long as you can ... plan B got nothing to do w/ legal stuff. You have to do what best for your family. IMVHO, served her to protect your self and your family ASAP. Again plan B is to protect your LB$ before it is too late. If you still say that you are 100% still willing to take your W back w/ the right condition ... stay in plan A. Yellow light when you feel resentment toward her.<p>What is your plan A ?. Please read up plan A missapplication by Distress. I admire you for being a fighter for your 3 kids and your M, God will bless you and will find you a path to follow. In plan A, you are not only do anything avoid upsetting WS, i.e being a doormat. You ALSO HAVE TO WORK ON THE ISSUES IN YOUR M THAT IS WITHIN YOUR CONTROL. Being a doormat is just to buy time to show that you could change or have changed. Without working on you in plan A, your sacrifices are futile. Review and review what have you done in the past 3 months (plan A) to show changes !!!!.<p>Post back here again w/ more detail. -RH-

committed68,<p>I'm not sure I can offer any help on your situation with the pregnancy, but I do know what the separation thing is like. I would like to hear about your Plan A. I think you may be jumping the gun a bit on the Plan B thing. There are people with kids and without jobs that have done an efective Plan B, so these arent issues in Plan B. You just have to find ways to work around them. The real issue is, is this the right time. Remember, you have options and opprotunities in Plan A that are not available in Plan B. Moving to Plan B is a last resort. It could solidify your current situation. It sounds like you may be gaining ground right now. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> She is now coming to see us at least once a week <hr></blockquote>this is a good sign. The more contact you have the more opprotunity you have to show her the changes you have been making in your life.<p>I will say go on with your life. Showing independance is not a bad thing. You don't have to give up on your M, just pay the bills, hang out with the kids, "go..., do...". It took me a long time to learn that. RedHat once told me to fill up my calendar. It was the best thing I did. It helped me learn that I could go on with life with or without my W.<p>I have said this before, I hate to give up opprotunities. Plan B is esentialy closing a door. I wouldn't close any doors untill I was sure that I was willing to loose whatever is on the other side.<p>Remember what RedHat said, "Take what you need", the rest is trash I'm still learning as well, so my answers may or may not be right for you.<p>Thanks
Rev

bump for committed... how's it going today?

Bump ^^^^^<p>committed68, howl something ... this is a very crucial time. By peaking at MB, you went through D-day all over again. Get support here.<p>BTW rev situation is similar to you,please take a look at his story.<p>-RH-

Thanks for all the replies. I wll try to be a little more specific about my situation. It's been about eight months since ws left me to move in with om. There has only been about one month since then that we haven't talked at least several times a week. <p>During the first two to three months I tried to rationalize with her and tell her what she was doing was wrong and that we all needed her, etc., etc. She would always reply "Yes, I know this isn't probably best for the kids, but don't you think it is important for me to be happy too." <p>So, sometime in January 2002 she calls me and says that she has been doing a lot of thinking and she wanted to come up to see us-keep in mind until this time she was only seeing us about once a month on average. Well, I was kind of doing a plan B because I had told her several weeks before that in an email, because I needed to talk to her about some child care issues(this is while I was still working), that I wasn't going to be there for her anymore and I guess the om will have to fill that position.<p>Anyway, I know I am rambling on and probably not making much sense, ws showed up in the middle of the night and crawled in bed with me. After this event happened in January she kept telling me she was coming home which never happened. I think she was doing this just to make me feel better because I probably put to much pressure on her and this might be the reason that she wasn't coming to see me and the kids that often before this.<p>The last time she set a date and said she was going to move home (March 2002) she called me and said " I am not coming home because I think too much has happened and that you (bs) will never get over it. Maybe things will be great for a while but then the past will keep creeping up." And, she saw a couple on Oprah and the man just couldn't get over his wife's infedelity. I thought "oh great, Oprah strikes again." <p>After this happened I vowed to just concentrate on myself and not call her that often. I stopped calling her and asking her to come up. Guess what happened? She started coming up too see me and the kids usually at least once a week. I still don't ask her to come here because it seems like when I do it somehow pressures her or something and then she doesn't show up. <p>So basically I guess my plan A is as follows:<p>I call her or email her once or twice a week if she hasn't called me. We usually just talk about what's going on in our lives. She usually tells me about her work and sometimes activities that she has done. I almost always tell her that I love her when we hang up. We don't talk about us because when I do she's very vague. If I just let her talk she sometimes makes comments like "I just wish I hadn't gotten pregnant," or " I like him (om) and everything but our views are so much different." <p> She has never said anything specifically about us getting back together, but has said that she knows a lot of married couples have at one time separated and gotten back together.<p>Continuing on, I see her about once a week. We get along great. I don't get much alone time with her because of the kids. She always leaves before I go to bed. I have tried to become a better listener for her and I believe I have accomplished that. She has accused me of being judgemental in the past. I now let her express her opinions without being critical of her, even if I think they are crazy and I believe she tells me more things now, but I can still tell that she is afraid to freely talk to me sometimes.<p>I have gotten into to great shape physically more for me more than anyone. I think she respects me for being able to raise the kids by myself. It was very rough at first but is a lot better now. I don't think she probably thought I could do it at first.<p>I guess when I look at my plan A I see it as this:<p>I have accomplished some of the things that I wanted to. I have been a doormat. I haven't love busted in a very long time. I think she is playing "the best of both worlds" right now. <p>I think I have several things to accomplish though before I think about quitting plan A. She claims that she has a fear of intimacy with me, not sex, but kissing. We kiss sometimes, but for the last several years whenever we are about to kiss she gets fearful and turns her head or something. She didn't disclose this to me until after we separated. She claims this is a big reason why she left. I mean I knew that this happened sometimes, but even when we did kiss she said she was uncomfortable.<p>I have done some research about this. She does have borderline personality disorder and it is common for people with this disorder to have this fear of intimacy with people who they feel really close too. She has also told me that it happened with her old boyfriend before we were married, but it hasn't happened with Om. <p>So, in her mind she thinks that we are just friends because she doesn't love me in that way anymore and can't remember when she did.<p>I'm not sure how to handle this. Yes, it hurts me because I know I'm a good kisser and she has said this about me. I am pretty sure it has nothing to do with me.<p>In my mind I think that if I would plan B before this issue is worked on, she will feel that she can't be with me. Am I crazy? I sure feel like it. But I know that is how she feels. Maybe I should realize that she is not thinking clearly with her illness and not worry about it. I also sometimes wonder if she truly has this disorder because she was just only recently diagnosed with it after seeing several doctors over the years for depression. <p>Sometimes I do feel like I am biting off more than I can chew, but I do love my wife and we had a pretty good marriage until about two years ago.<p>I hope I am doing a good plan A. She knows all the ground rules if she comes back, no contact w/om etc. But she is pregnant and he or I could be the father, so there is lots of doubts there. I don't know what else to say right now. It is very late and I have been chasing around kids all day. <p>I hope this gives a little background along with my profile and questions in the general questions II thread. I am still finding my way around this site. <p>If anyone can give me advice or has questions about what I am currently doing, please let me know. thanks<p>r.

committed68,<p>You doing great ... you have reduced your LB. Please fill up LBQ as if your wife's and work on that to protect her feeling being "safe again" around you. If you still want your M, stay away from thinking about plan B, it is not time yet. You do plan B when you feel uncontroable resenment toward W or W reject your plan A all together. One thing that you have to avoid is talking about her A or about her return or future plan unless she bring it up first. Just enjoy her being around and do thing that you, W, and the kids use to enjoy. She is cake eater but you have to let her for now, specially w/ pregnancy that will make her mood swing. Have you ever want to take DNA test ?. Who would be the dad on the birth certificate ?. With possiblity of OC, you have to think about how to protect you legally.<p>You are doing good ... meanwhile what do you know about OM ?. Have you done snooping and find out about him ?. Stick with the plan and hang in there ... I bet your kids keep you very busy. -RH-

Redhat,<p>I saw my wife today. She has really been willing to help out financially lately. I have decided to move the town that she is in, not only because of her but for many reasons. Well, I have had a hard time finding something that I can afford down there. She is willing to be on the lease with me since she is working and I am not. She has also said that when I get a job that she would quit hers and stay home with the kids, even if she wasn't living with me. My only question is how could I do I plan B if she was watching the kids at my place?<p>To answer your other question a DNA test is scheduled when the baby is born/ and she says that she isn't going to put a father on the birth certificate. I don't know if she can do that.<p>One important thing that I probably didn't mention that bothers me the most about this whole situation is that the OM is 57 years old and ws is 28. Not only does the age difference bother me but I know this guy has terrible morals and doesn't think there is anything wrong with this situation. He is definitely a freak. I know that he is into pornography -more than just casual use- and has been divorced and slept with many married women over the years. He still associates with some of them on a regalar basis according to ws. I guess his marriage was an "open marriage," know wonder it didn't work out. <p>Another thing that really bothers me is that he owns his own house and has a pretty good job but he still charges ws monthly rent. But she really doesn't have any other expense and until this month hasn't helped out financially. I guess seeing that she is starting to is a good sign.<p>Just thinking about the future, what if my wife and I continue to get along and I don't ever get to the point where I resent her. Can you just plan A forever? What if she just keeps eating her cake?<p>I have noticed that she is opening up to me more and telling me more things. Not particulately things that I want to know, but I can tell that she is letting her guard down a bit. Hopefully we are on our way back to trust and intimacy. <p>Another questions comes to mind. Do you let your spouse move in even if she is going to see the om? I could possibly see that happening in the future. <p>later
r.

committed68,<p>Let's get to the very basic of plan A. There is no boundry when you are in plan A, WS defines the boundry. Why ?, the main focus is on you to show that you are a changed man or capable to change. Everything else you need to avoid as a distraction of the main goal. You will let her do as she pleases or a doormat, she is the one define the boundry not you. Check out rev's story, it very similiar w/o possiblities of OC.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>My only question is how could I do I plan B if she was watching the kids at my place?</strong><hr></blockquote> It depends on your W but I would say it is very rare that you could. Your W will just ignore your plan B and nothing you could do about it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>To answer your other question a DNA test is scheduled when the baby is born/ and she says that she isn't going to put a father on the birth certificate. I don't know if she can do that.</strong><hr></blockquote> Check with your lawyer. At least the newly born has to have a last name ....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>One important thing that I probably didn't mention that bothers me the most about this whole situation is that the OM is 57 years old and ws is 28. Not only does the age difference bother me but I know this guy has terrible morals and doesn't think there is anything wrong with this situation. He is definitely a freak. I know that he is into pornography -more than just casual use- and has been divorced and slept with many married women over the years. He still associates with some of them on a regalar basis according to ws. I guess his marriage was an "open marriage," know wonder it didn't work out.</strong><hr></blockquote>
The answer is "the fog" or "being snatch by alien". Your W' EN(s) is being met by OM ... find out what it is ... Time to pull out ENQ and answer it for her. Guess her top 5 and the order are not important.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Another thing that really bothers me is that he owns his own house and has a pretty good job but he still charges ws monthly rent. But she really doesn't have any other expense and until this month hasn't helped out financially. I guess seeing that she is starting to is a good sign.</strong><hr></blockquote> I assume that she complaint about OM to you ... good, let OM LB'ed.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Just thinking about the future, what if my wife and I continue to get along and I don't ever get to the point where I resent her. Can you just plan A forever? What if she just keeps eating her cake?</strong><hr></blockquote> Pain is given and misery is optional. I like that quote !. There will be time when you have no plan A to work on any more, I mean you "fixed" all the issues and she acknowledge it. Then it is a decision time for you ... IMHO, that time you might thinking to go into plan B. Unless you want to be misery and be a doormat of the year. You need to trun the heat up and let her decide.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I have noticed that she is opening up to me more and telling me more things. Not particulately things that I want to know, but I can tell that she is letting her guard down a bit. Hopefully we are on our way back to trust and intimacy.</strong><hr></blockquote> Good, your plan A is working [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Keep it up.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Another questions comes to mind. Do you let your spouse move in even if she is going to see the om? I could possibly see that happening in the future.</strong><hr></blockquote>Remember, if you are still in plan A you want her to come home so that you have more chances to plan A'ng her !. If you are done with working on the issues and she just want to sit on the fence ... you need to put boundry and refuse her. However your W has to see that you are capable of fixing the issues or has done it before you decide to put the boundry. More detail later on the situation when the time come.<p>Meanwhile, I know you love your W soo much I do love my WW deeper than any ocean. However I am not willing to save this M at any cost ... not my 2 D and their future. Do you think about your kid ?. If you do I suggest you don't move to her town. I would not even let OM near you kid and also you have to sit down and think hard ... If she stay home you have to work to paid her to be w/ OM and having OM raising your kid. With the current arrangement, you get to raise your kid. I am able to keep OM away from my kid temporary and hope it will be permanent.
-RH-<p>[ June 22, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Just an update... My grandma bought a house for me and the kids and we are working out a purchasing agreement for me to buy it from her. It is a very nice house and it will be the first one we have lived after all these years in apartments and townhomes. It is exciting. We can't move into the house for another 2 weeks - one month and we moved in with my parents. They have been great, but you know how it is not having your own home.

We are moving to the city that my ws lives in with om. This really did't have anything to do with me moving there.

I haven't seen ws for about two weeks and really haven't talked to her much either. It almost feels like I am in a plan b because I really don't feel like talking to her anymore while she is still with om. I'm not sure what prompted me to feel like this. It probably has been because of all the changes and I am hitting a point of frustration. I am doing the best that I can do by myself with three kids and it has been a stuggle.

On July 4th my wife called me and said that she had been crying all night because she missed the kids and it was the holiday and all.

Then she said she would like to go see a movie or something with me sometime. I'm not sure what that means, but two months ago I would have been excited and now I don't really even want to go. Not that I don't want to go, but I don't want to go and then have her go back to om afterwards.

Really contemplating total plan B. It just seems weird that I will actually be moving to the town she is in within a couple weeks and I feel like doing this. My gut feeling tells me this is the right thing to do. I feel I have given everything that I have to make this marriage work and to reconcile and that everything is out of my hands now.

I have doubts though because my son's birthday is coming up soon along with ws birthday and our nine year wedding anniversary on August 7th.

She is pregant and expecting on August 25th and we don't know who the father is.

It would definitely be a very, very, difficult plan b through all these important dates and birth of the baby.

Anyone's advice would be welcomed on whether plan b at this time would be in my best interest?

bye
r.

The answer to your question is yes. It is time for you to go to Plan B. Focus on yourself and your children.

Check This link. Jim's guideline ... take a look at if if you are qualified to be in plan B.

Otherwise ... plan A, plan A, plan A ... pick up the phone and make a movie date ... no LB nad just take what she gave you. Make it safe for her to come back.

Rgeardless what you choose ... you 've give your best. Keep us posted <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-RH-

<small>[ July 07, 2002, 10:09 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>