I think what I find incredible in this whole situation is the calm emotionless way my WS can sit, converse, laugh and generally seem to be comfortable without acknowledging what her true thoughts and feeling are. We came very close to DV last year when I issued a deadline .our discussion began with my asking what she wanted to do, I was floored when she said she thought we should split. She seemed to be coming back in the weeks prior to this conversation and that's when it hit me. I have no idea who this person is anymore. I wonder if I ever did.
I wonder what other BS's think. I know all about the fog, but I think this goes beyond the fog when they convince themselves that they never really loved you. We have been together since then because she did break down when I brought out a proposed settlement agreement, after that I back tracked and we have been together since
April 01. Our lives are fairly normal. We converse about all sorts or things, we laugh, we seem to have fun, but with very few exceptions ( and only when I bring it up) do we discuss our situation and what to do. I am amazed every day I get home and she is still there. I have no idea what she thinking most of the time and there is very little affection (SF or otherwise). So I guess what I am asking is anyone else going through this ? If you are, how are you dealing with it, and how to you explain something like this. How do you go from having what you thought was a loving working M to the situation we all are in. I am nit suggesting there was not room for improvement in me and I have been and will continue to work on it, I just find it strange that someone can change or con you into thinking they are happy for such a long time. It scares me to think the person I love is capable of such callous deceit. Sometimes I sit and look at her and wonder what's next and when is she leaving and why does it seem she does not want to be honest and work on the M. Does it mean so little to her, Do I mean so little to her. Any thoughts from either BS';s or WS's ?

Mark,<p>Is your W having an affair? It seems like some of the indications are there.

Yes she did. DDay was 11/19/00 , seperated until March 02. Tells me No Contact since, although I do believe there was conatct in December, but I don't think there has been any for a while.

Try not to discuss or bring up the A or R. Let her bring it up. It may be a long time and I know it kills you not to talk about it, but she probably just doesn't want to. It is a LB, and if you give it time and make her feel safe, eventually (probably a very long time) she will express her regret. Just my guess anyway.

"Sometimes I sit and look at her and wonder what's next and when is she leaving and why does it seem she does not want to be honest and work on the M. Does it mean so little to her, Do I mean so little to her."<p>Why don't you ask her?If she says you mean a lot to her, tell her to prove it.

I know exactly how you feel. husband and I were planning on buying a house and having a baby. He even talked about it after I found out about A but before I told him I knew.
The ironic thing is above everyone else I always thought he was the most honest person I had ever met.
I still believe it is their way of hiding themselves from the fact that what they are doing or have done is wrong.
I blame a lot on the fog.
Keep your chin up. Having to have patience for something like this is almost unbearable. Just remember, God never gives us more than we can bear.
Hugs to you
Layli

I know a bit what she's going through. My W and I have know each other since grade school, dated through college and married years later, that was 5 years ago. I was the one to get involved with an A and am still in recovery. While the W and I have some serious, major old issues to work out (which we are through MB and other counseling) my initial feelings towards her during and after the A were "lack of Love and 'have I ever Loved her?'" My thoughts were of Separation or DV too. I will say that I still bear some of these feelings, and much of my story sounds very similar to your W's, but it's going to take a long time for me . . <p>I would also guess as catamount82 did, that she is still hung up, or involved, with the A.<p>However, through MB and all of the books, I am slowly recovering and coming to grips and starting to realize that maybe those Lost feelings of Love were just that fog that is referred to . . . . (I'm still a long way away though) Get her involved with MB and do it, the stuff is amazing - at least in identifying all of the dynamics, reasons and actions of Affairs.

Mark H<p>I can relate to your thoughts. My W had an EA. There were so many lies of ommission and commission about the true nature of their relationship. Now after discovery it is difficult to totally believe her. She claims no contact but who knows for sure......
To makes things worse she hates to have relationship type talks. Our counselor gave us help on conflict resolution and she refuses to try it. I'm worried that 6-12 months down the road the R may be in trouble again.