I've done a search through a couple of the forums but I still have some questions re: spy software. I didn't mean for this to be so long but please bear with me!<p>Quick background: Been married for 3 years, my husband had an online "affair" the first year we were together (before we were married). He and I also met online. I found out about the affair by reading his email while he was at work. Long story, and I swear normally I am NOT that kind of person (snooping). I had absolutely NO reason to suspect anything and was completely blind-sided by it. I was actually getting on his computer to find his pager number so I could send him a silly page telling him I loved him. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I knew he had been talking to this woman but I thought they were just friends. Anyway, long story longer, I read a handful of emails to and from her, and they were full of hateful things about me and professions of love for her. The **** hit the fan, but ultimately he felt like total crap and we worked it out. Honestly, and I know this sounds weird, but I really think we're better for it. It brought to a head a lot of issues we both had and forced us to deal with them. OK that said....<p>Fast forward 5 years to now. Like always, he spends a lot of time online, as do I (but not as much as him). I know there is a message board he frequents, and I go there to read his posts every few days. So far nothing bad about me really, but he does flirt horrendously with these women (they're all married too). I will say he HAS told me that he flirts, so it's not like he's dishonest about it. He's made jokes about how risque they get, etc. It's not news to me. Anyway, I told him it didn't bother me, because I didn't think it would. Until I read a couple of the posts. They seemed a little TOO friendly to me. Not because of the sexual nature, but because he seems to be emotionally close to some of these women. I know he emails and chats with a few of them frequently. I have these horrible visions of him lamenting to them how unhappy he is or how horrible I am or something. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So... a lot of stuff about our relationship came out in the open recently (I'd be here for a week typing so I won't go into it). Nothing really bad, we were just being honest about how we met, how we feel about each other these days, etc. We're both overweight, and we discussed the notion that maybe we "settled" for each other when we met b/c we thought we would never meet anyone "better" or anyone who would accept us? Just stuff like that. Anyway, the conversation ended with us both expressing that we DO love each other very much. We're not divorcing or anything close to that. Our lives just aren't filled with tremendous passion at this point. But we're fantastic friends, have a lot in common and we have a good time together. We hardly ever argue. Things really aren't bad at all.<p>So... I go back and forth about wanting to know what's REALLY going on with him and these other women. I've gotten nervous before and confronted him about it, but he totally assures me that he's not doing anything, they're just friends. He swears he wouldn't hurt me like that again. He knows how much that tore my heart out the 1st time. I know that I should trust him and let it go, but I just can't seem to get it out of my mind. Especially lately, as I go to bed and he heads for the computer. <p>I see my options as:<p>1. Talking to him again (not confrontational) - just telling him I'm concerned about all the contact with these married women. What's he saying? Why does he need them?
Risk here: he could get upset about me constantly not trusting him and throwing the past in his face... could lead to a much bigger problem between us<p>2. Letting it go and just getting over it
Problem: easier said than done<p>3. Getting spy software - this seems to be a good solution because hopefully, he won't find it, and I'll get the answers I'm looking for w/o having to confront him or worry about whether he's lying. I'll find out if I AM being paranoid or if I'm right on target and he's carrying on again behind my back. <p>We both have our own computers in separate offices (rooms) in our house and they're networked together. He's hardly ever away from home when I'm home so I am going to have a hard time getting it installed on his machine. I've looked into the software that's remotely deployable, but they say the user has to open and run an attachment sent in an email?? My H is a computer programmer, so I'm already treading on very thin ice. How the hell is he going to open and run an attachment like that if he doesn't know what it is?? NOT likely! What does the email say? Who does it come from? What does it say about the attachment? Anyone ever deployed this stuff over a network? I might be able to install it from my machine if I can get him out of the house - well, if that happens I might be able to get on his PC and physically install it.<p>Anyway, does anyone have any recommendations for this when you've got a spouse that's VERY computer savvy? I think it's safe to say it would DESTROY our relationship if he ever found out I did something like this (esp. if there's nothing going on and I am being the paranoid one). But part of me is just dying to know if I am being duped again. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I am already feeling very stressed and down about myself b/c of all of this, and I don't know if I can continue in this limbo of not knowing. <p>Help!!<p>[ June 19, 2002: Message edited by: Suspicious3791 ]</p>

You know what? He doesn't need to be flirting with anyone or putting himself in these positions after the trouble you had previously. That is unacceptable and you two are both just asking for it by allowing this to continue. There is no virtue in putting a former WS into situations where he/she might be tempted again. That is pure folly.<p>My WS was having EA's on the internet and we both agreed that any communication with other women had to stop. And it has stopped [I have verified it from time to time with spy software and he has been true to his word.]<p>You are RIGHT to not trust him after what has happened and he needs to do everything in his power to protect your marriage from this ever happening again. You are not protected if he continues to talk to women online. I would discuss this with him and negotiate an agreement to end this kind of dangerous behavior. <p>That might solve the problem completely. However, if you think something is going on, you should look into it to find out what is really happening. You have a right to know. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. I would recommend Starr www.iopus.com or Spector if you think you need it. <p>But there is nothing wrong with snooping if you have a good reason. There *IS* something wrong with putting your head in the sand and allowing someone to destroy you behind your back.

Here's a good place to start looking at spy software:<p>Spy Software Directory

I installed spector. So far I have not been able to detect it on my H's PC. I also have not had time to look into all the files. <p>You could pose some of your questions to the staff their since your H is a programmer.

I used spector soft and it worked well. My wife was never able to detect it until I confronted her with what I found. I will warn you depending on what is going on things can get graphic and be quite upsetting. The software is specifically designed to be undetected and is easy to use.

My H is a software engineer for an oil well company and is extremely computer savvy. He has never detected the Starr software. But if you decide to install it, you had better pay for it immediately so that you have the code, otherwise it will be the trial version. As long as you are using the trial version, a notice will pop up every time the computer is restarted. It will need to installed in "invisible" mode and a password set on it. It really is very easy once you do those things.