My Husband andf I are separarted and he still treats me like I done something wrong to him...he comes and pick the children up and I can see the anger...If I try to talk to him about the children he is very unresponsive...I am very sick of this...I do not LB him I just remain calm..I thought that since it was his idea to separate and get his own place..we would then be able to communicate a little without all the stress, but however, for some reason he is still angry..<p>Someone please give me some insight of this???

He needs to feel angry at you to justify what he has done. And it sounds like you are not accomodating him by doing the expected: lovebusting him. This is a pretty normal phase for the WS and the best thing you can do is to kill him kindness and don't give him the justification he needs.

MY H is the same.. it is all me... ! he is so angry,... he was not before he left.. or before the A... it just makes them think.. you are so bad... that is why they did this... SICK, huh?<p>My h has never sd such awful things about me.. he has gone a long way to dream up these things.. so that he can feel better about himself... and that I deserved to be left and cheated on... <p>I will pray for you and releiv for all of us in this situation. NO lb's- K? ignore him... K?<p>HOney

Thank...I am so mad...I sent him a letter to say that I will no longer have any contact with him unless it concerns the children..well I have not contacted him since that which was done last Monday 6/10..(Plan B)..He just called me and wants to take my cell phone off his account...he has threaten to do this for a while..he knows that I can only get a pre-paid phone which is a waste of money..(I have always paid my own cell bill---on time at that) I then told him that I will try to have my sister add my phone on her account...I am taking my kids home to be with my family at the end of the month..they will be there thw whole month of July..of course he has a problem with that..I explained that I have to do this in order to get my financial standings in order...He then hung up in my face..this pisses me off so much because even though I don't show him it upsets me it really messes up my mood...any suggestions on what to do???

Well I was totally shocked when last year my H of 15 yrs suddenly 'turned' on me and started blaming me for EVERYTHING he could think of that made him unhappy about our home/marriage/3 kids etc. He kept saying we should divorce and that "I" was the reason he was continuing his EA/PA. I am still amazed NOW at some of what he told me then- for example- he claimed he wanted a D because I hadn't 'decorated our home enough' or made our 3 yr old son's bed every day!" He was having a huge mid life crisis as well as an affair and projecting all his anger and dissatisfaction with HIS life onto ME because he figured I had to take it! I finally had to separate myself emotionally from him and we lived apart two months before he quit blaming me so much. We have been in counseling for a year and a half now. He has stopped alot of his blaming of me but still slips into the pattern from time to time. I have been learning in therapy not to put up with his tirades and stand my ground with him. I recommend these books- " Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans and "Loving Him without Losing You" also by Evans.These were the books that along with the therapy helped me to learn to set healthy boundaries in my marriage. Take care- lifeismessy

Thanks for recomending the books..I will get them..My husband tells me that the marriage was a mistake and that he does not love me anymore..he also says things like I am finacially irresponsible when it is really him that is...When I am along I do much better finacially...I am so tried of letting him control my feelings..you know..He seems to be going on with his life and I seem to be a stand still..this is so unfair..

I agree... the WS needs to justify his actions. I'm beginning to see this in my own situation. Been married nearly 24 years, and my H tells me that I bore him, that I was controlling, and that I don't know how how have fun. He says all I do is complain. He's not happy here.<p>Looking back when I am calm about this situation (and that's not all of the time!), I realize a few things. He becomes very angry when he says those things... it's almost a guilt thing. If we keep topics to kids or perfunctory things (like say, I ask him to fix a faucet on the bath that's leaking), he complains loudly that I'm asking him to be his slave. If I ask him to have supper with me and the kids, he's very angry and "busy." He prefers to do these things on his own accord. Which does feed the fire between us though. There ARE times I need to ask him to do something specifically and at a certain time (like pick up kid at X at a certain time). He thinks this is control and he get angry. If I ask him for a hug or just a kiss, he becomes quite agitated.<p>It's almost as if he's avoiding any responsibility for all of the fun he 's having and he knows it's wrong. If he catches me crying, he calls me a "baby whiner." I have to suck it up every time we talk or see each other right now, and I am not always successful<p>It is very hard to be patient at times like these. I can't say I'm terribly controlling... I'm really quite laid back, people I work with ask if I have a pulse sometimes. (I don't become easily excited under normal circumstances, take it as it comes.) I'm sure I've made demands on him at times that seemed difficult for him to meet, but I cannot believe for a moment that I'm so controlling and manipulative that I want him to be a slave. That was a very difficult thing for me to overcome, and sometimes I still have a hard time with this. But, his behavior and denials and rebuttals to the situation really damaged my self-esteem. That in and of itself created a vicious cycle between us: after enough slams, I began to feel the neeed to defend myself and he certainly perceived that as threatening.<p>That is my two cents' worth.

Bluekeys, I know exactly what you are saying...it's like it is a no win situation...there is nothing you can do to make him happy...that really hurts..I know..but one thing I have notice now that we are separated is that when I don't have any contact with him..he eventually contacts me and try to start something..I have handled this very well because even through I get upset...I don't let him know..I just say what I want to say without LBing or blaming him. I notice that he feeds off of my hurt, so I am playing the game with him now, and I will not let him know that he is getting to me..This should evenually make him or break him..either way I will get some closure..