Hello to all my MB friends who were wondering where my H and i have been!....we'll here i am, back with new developments and once again open to any comments or advice as i tell you whats happened these last couple of months. For those of you who remember us, i will pick off where we left off and for the benefit of new members, i was once under the name 'complusiveliar' and my H is 'VeryHurtHarley', if you are interested in our story. <p>Well, the last time i was on this site, i was saying goodbye to Singapore and have since uprooted and relocated to Vancouver. Arrived early April and i am taking a day and a step at a time towards starting a new life here. This was the biggest, most major step i have ever taken in my life and i believe it has done a lot of good for both of us. Especially since i am no longer in the environment that contributed to my A 6 months ago. This is a new lease of life for me and i am so grateful that my H was willing to give us another chance to work it out and for having me here with him.<p>A month after being here, my H had to leave again for work in Singapore (yes, his business required for him to go) so i am here by myself. Its been exactly a month that he has been away and i have been looking for a job and holding the fort. But most of all, being here alone has and still is helping me bcos i am with myself all day, everyday. I have been going through crying fits almost every night esp when i recall how i had hurt and disrespected my H with my A. <p>When we first arrived, it took us a while to overcome jetlag but eventually when we sat down and talked about what happened, there were a lot of LBing and angry outbursts....mainly on my part. I admit that i was naive to think that just bcos i made the sacrifice to leave my roots to come here, that it would show him i am trying hard to work on our recovery and that perhaps it will go away.....but i realise that it does not take away the reality of what i did to him over and over again.<p>Being away from each other again has had its toll on us both but worse on him bcos he is back in the country where it all happened and where everything around him triggers off memories of what i did to him. I feel totally helpless and we have had many terrible, angry, LBing conversations since. I honestly have been learning more about myself every day by taking some time off to think about what i did and to think about what it did to him. I feel remorse and have had bouts of depression since he left. I have had thoughts of killing myself whenever we have angry discussions over the phone about what happened. It is selfish, i know, and without sounding like 'poor me', i am undoubtedly here all by myself with no one to talk to until now (bcos i finally got access to the internet and this site).<p>Please feel free to comment or advice me on what i have expressed and on the following emotions that i feel whenever my H and i argure over the phone......he constantly reminds me of how disrespectful i was and what i was doing behind his back when he was with me. He makes me feel like i am not trying hard enough and maybe i am not to him, but being here has certainly showed me that i have been selfish all my life and i am seeing more and more of the dark side of me whenever i think of this other life that i was having during the A. So i feel very strongly that i have been learning as best i can more about who i was and how i can change. But i still seem to be missing something or that i dont seem to be helping my H with his recovery.<p>I feel so helpless whenever we are having a nice conversation over the phone, recalling events that we did during the day, etc, and then something will be mentioned in context and he will take that and make references to the A. That usually puts a damper on the conversation. I know this sounds like i am complaining, and many of you will say "well, what u do expect?" but please understand that so soon after the discovery of the A and being so early on the road to recovery, we are once again unfortunately forced to separate and i value every conversation that we have every time we talk.<p>When i say that being with myself every day is helping me, its an understatement. I hate everything i have been discoverying about who i was and what i was doing not only to myself but to everyone else. My A was and still is undoubtedly the most selfish, irresponsible thing i have done to anyone and it makes me sick to think about how i could have hurt someone whom i love so deeply. It breaks me whenever i recall how we were before the A and all i want now is to work on getting back that life we had.<p>I wrote a 10 page letter to myself recently. Narrating all the events from when i was a child till the person i am today. It took me a while to write that bcos i had to stop occasionally from getting sick of all the things that have happened to me or that i have done to others. All events in my life has led up to why i am here today and reading it again just makes me feel unworthy of love from my H. I have hurt a man who was so clean and pure and had unconditional love for me. The man whom i have always seen as the father of my children and protector of my soul.....but i didnt protect him. <p>How does a recovering WS overcome emotions of unworthiness and guilt? How do i stop myself from feeling that perhaps my H deserve better and that i am nothing more than every name that he has called me. My letter to myself has shown me that i have been every name he has called me and i feel like i am dirty and hopeless. its been 6 months and i know that Dr Harley says that it will hit BS' the worst 6 months into the recovery.....i can see that happening now and i wish there was something more that i could do for my H even though we are miles apart.<p>I hope that those of you who are familiar with our situation are doing well and hope to hear from you soon. I have missed posting here and missed you all. But now that i am back online, you will see me more often. Looking forward to seeing and hearing from you all again!<p>Take care.

Hi Genevieve,
It's good to hear from you. I have thought of you and Harley and wondered how you were making out in Canada.<p>My wife PlainJane and I also moved far away from "triggerland" and, like you, PJ suffered a bit of a letdown when she found that we hadn't left all the hard times behind. On the whole though, the new start has been wonderful, and I'm sure Harley will feel much better in time.<p>If you recall, my W went to a treatment center for sexual addiction. One of the first things they had her do was to write her life's story, so I think it's good that you are taking a good look at your life and have written that letter. You might think about sharing it with your H. I imagine it would be hard, but it would bring you much closer together. If Harley were to read this, I'd suggest that he get real honest with you too. I think you'll probably find what we did, that you're both flawed people who need each other.<p>Your arguments sound very much like what we were going through at that stage so they don't shock, or surprise me. It sounds as if you understand that your H is going through the feelings he needs to. Try to work through the anger, as it subsides the path towards reconcilliation becomes clear. It's a real love/hate thing or three steps forward and two steps back. I think he loves you very much and he probably misses you terribly. When is he coming back?<p>Good luck Gen,
David

Hello Davidb! i have often thought about you and PJ too....thank you for being understanding and for your encouragement. There is still a lot of work to be done and i feel better knowing that i am not alone. <p>H will be away 3 months so he wont be back here for another 2. It is hard for us both esp when we still so fresh into recovery and it makes it worse knowing that he is back in "triggerland" as you call it. <p>Was there anything that PJ was doing for you emotionally to help you after u had moved away and how did she help you with your healing? I have always wanted to email PJ but never got round to getting her email address. i hope she is well and i hope to hear from either of you again.<p>Thanks again!

Hey Gen,<p>Boy can I really relate to everything you said. Especially how to get over the worthlessness that we feel. I don't want to put a damper on it, but I still feel like that most days. My Prozac helps, but only so much. <p>You know, I felt the same way when we moved too. Here we are, 3000 miles away from where we started. I had (wishful) feelings that the affairs would slip away once we moved. It has gotten better, but the memories are still there. I too thought he would understand my willingness to commit, would prove to him, that I was truly sorry, and that I did love him. He knows that, but I have to remember the pain is very great.<p>I told him the other day that it's not that I don't want to talk about it, it's just that I can't. I think about it all the time, and how I wish that I could change things. Sometimes he thinks that I am just avoiding it, but it causes me so much pain to see how badly I hurt him, and how our whole life has changed. Sometimes, I feel like such a phoney. Here I am, have a great new job, great new friends, they all think that I am just the great, but none of them know my dirty secret. <p>Ok, well, I was hoping to say some positives, sorry if I got so down. But, writing your stuff out on paper is great. Like David said, I wrote my life story, and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. But, I saw a lot of patterns. Lots. I can't change what I did, but I can darn sure make sure that I don't make the same mistakes again.<p>Take care
PJ

Hey PJ! Good to hear from you and to know u are well.<p>Yes, i totally relate to everything u mentioned and i guess i am still in early stages. i wish i had some meds to help me out when i am down but as i have not gotten work yet and with money being very tight for us now, its a challenge to wake up every day and look on the brighter side of things.<p>H thinks that i am avoiding the topic too but it makes me sick to think about it and its like a bad taste in my mouth that i want to spew out. Cannot imagine what its like for H. I do not try and weave out of the conversation and answer his questions as best i can but when starts asking the "why" and "how could you" over and over, i find it hard to keep the conversation civil. But i try and talk about it as best i can with him.<p>I know the feeling about being a phoney too bcos i have been to a few interviews here and when i mention that i am here with my H, i feel a searing pain inside knowing what i know. i have not made any friends here nor do i intend to now until perhaps i start work officially. This time i will make sure i dont be too trusting and open to others as i have been all my life.<p>Thank you so much for replying and i hope to see you here again soon. I wanna give you my email address so that perhaps if you have the time, we can chat outside this forum or if i have any more personal queries. Just write me if u agree to it.<p>My email address is: genevieve_monteiro@hotmail.com

hey guys, i am bumping this up bcos i am eager to hear from my other MB friends who have been with my H and i throughout our ordeal.<p>Thank you to Davidb and PJ for replying and making my day. Its lonely being here without anyone to talk to and i find solace here bcos i know that i have people who know of me and my failures these past few months.<p>Hope to hear from u!<p>G

Hi Genevieve,
Welcome back! Too bad your H had to leave for 3 months during this crucial period when you both need to be spending time filling each others' love banks!<p>It sounds like your H needs a lot of reassurance right now--reassurance that you are going to protect yourself and your marriage from your weaknesses from now on.<p>He probably won't believe you, but you have time to prove yourself and it sounds like he is giving you that. Looks promising to me! Great hearing back from ya! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Earlier, H and i just had another serious discussion and it was a very upsetting conversation. Since he has been alone in '"triggerland", there has been undoubtedly a string of people who knew us and heard what happened approaching him with all kinds of stories about me to make me look worse than i already do. If you knew what the club scene is like in S'pore, you will understand what i am on about. Everyone thrives on gossip and especially if there is a relationship problem, thats the cue for a girl or guy to make their move. Which is what has been happening so far. H has been approached by 3 girls on different occasions and a guy on another. All had something to say about me and as much as i dont want to let it get to me, its not helping my H bcos its only bringing back triggers....and i am miles away helpless.<p>I need to know how i can deal with not getting mad at other people sticking their nose into our business. H and i are trying ever so hard to work on depositing love units from opposite ends of the globe and trying to deal with our personal demons without each other to hold and show love. Having others poke their nose in and showering him with pity and offering him a shoulder to cry on is not helping. This has got nothing to do with not trusting H bcos that is not the issue here. Its me feeling helpless and perhaps resentful of "people" who just want to break us apart. <p>Am i stupid to feel this way? I miss my H terribly and it is too bad that we are apart during this crucial time in our healing and recovery. We have been doing very well relating to each other our feelinngs and about the A. I just want to know if its normal for me to have bad feelings about myself.....i hate myself esp when i think about what i did to him, i dont feel good about myself and have not bothered about how i look physically. I dont love myself anymore and it sounds so pathetic when i write it but i dont know why i am here, alive, breathing, sharing the same air as others who are so much more purer and un tainted like my H is. How can he still love me so much even after all that i did to him? Am i worthy of his love? its so hard to put some of my emotions in words, i just feel it so strongly and its very depressing.<p>i have missed being here on this forum. ist feels good to get this off my chest....<p>BTDT, thanks for dropping a line!