I think I have been delaying plan B. I can relate to Spacecase- long term A. For a while I just needed to get the truth sorted out, & it took about 6 months. Found MB then & I think I probably have misapplied plan A since then. I don't know if I have been meeting 3 EN each day. (I recently read this somewhere). I keep telling myself -baby steps okay & have seen some progress. A NC letter to OW#1(1 week ago) & going back to IC (Tues). NC with OW#2 is a different story. I know from the past I am presenting trying not to get woven into their A life again. This coming fall it will be 2 years since the 1st d-day. My IC said last month to write a good-bye letter to WH, & two days later he made NC letter. I didn't give him good-bye letter. There are temporary clearings & then fog.
We now have been separated 4 months & I'm okay.<p>My question, Do I also send my plan B letter to OW, OWH? WH has read some of SAA & he has my book. I can't remember.<p>My dearest WH &#8211; the final goodbye,

I have read this is the beginning of the closure process not the end . I have not wanted to do this because I see it as the end. WH I love you so much, the past is the past I could try to explain my feeling, but both of us have grown to see (At least I have) the potential we have in love for each other. Unfortunately we were sooo involved with our own personal needs , we didn&#8217;t attempt to care for each other like we should have. I can&#8217;t explain the past why I held back. How could I know what love was when I never had experienced it &#8211; if it was true - . That is why & couldn&#8217;t write love, BS in your wedding ring, but I knew I wanted you for my husband & that you would always be a part of me. I knew love was fickle &#8211; to many divorces, I didn&#8217;t know about falling in & out of love in a marriage. Forever, BS sounded better, a more &#8220;mature love,&#8217; that is what I felt for you when we got married one that would last.

I have lived with no expectations from you for many years. I&#8217;m sorry for not being the wife you had expected. I knew I would love you through think & thin.. I thought you wanted the same things about life that I wanted. First you & me together enjoying each other along with family & some fun.<p> Both of us are hurting so much &#8211; it is torture! I don&#8217;t like trying to cover my feeling when I am hurting &#8211; that is the only thing that I my not be honest about &#8211; how much I have hurt in the last 3-5 years. I do not want a marriage with no expectations. I do have expectations just like you did. I feel I can&#8217;t meet yours when you are fence sitting, but I can when I know you sincerely are caring & will protect yours&#8217; & my love for each other. <p> Although I have told you this before, I apologize to you for my part in creating the situation that helped allow your affairs with the other women to be possible. I clearly realize my role & can&#8217;t express how sorry I am and how much I regret my actions, attitude & my failure to let you know every day how important you, our marrriage and our family were to me. During the past 1 ½ years, I have been working on positive changes in myself. I hope that the changes I have made in myself have convinced you of my love & devotion to you & our family. There has been so much more between us in our communication, both physically & emotionally. I have learned, I hope a lot about my weaknnesses & I have been working on improving them. I am determined to avoid the mistakes & create a better marriage for both of us that will meet your needs. I want to create the kind of life for us & our kids that is better than we ever dreamed. It won&#8217;t happen over night & it will take a lot of work, but I know that we can do it.<p> This past year has been the most emotionally traumatic period of my life, in that aspect we have been blessed with not having to deal with tradegies. Despite the constant pain that I have felt, I continued to maintain hope that we would reconcile. I endured the emotional distress because I had one focus in mind, & that was to restore our marriage & our family back. I believe god has not given us pain that we can&#8217;t endure & that our marriage can be stronger that ever before.<p> To preserve & protect what love I have left for you, I must remove myself from the current situation of you undecisive contact with other women. As long as there is communication with her, we cannot begin to build our marriage that I know is possible for us both. I need to be able to trust your ability to avoid doing thins that bring me unappiness, fear, & pain. I know that you are taking steps to end the relationship with Sharon. You have asked for time to do this in your way, in your time. This is the only way I can do that.<p> I can no longer look for meterors, certain stars or constellations with you, enjoy the solitiude of being the only people out on a calm lake, have camping trips, gardening - the pumpkin patch, BBQs, NE football, dance together or have enjoyable telephone conversations. I do want you to know that these activities have been ooooo so very important to me & I do feel that we have grown closer because of them. But that makes the hurt of you continued contact with Shari tht much more intense. I need to have no contact with you unless it is an emergency or involves the kids or finances. We can communicate through the answering machines & I will tell _________&#8217;s about plans for emeregencies. On occasions when you come to see son, please call ahead & remain outside when you arrive or arrange to meet him at the boat house.<p> As soon as you have completely & permanently severed your relationship with the other women, I would love to talk about our future, and you becoming my very best friend & me your best friend. I want to spend the rest of my life being your loving wife, and provide you with the love & affection that you deserve. However, this cannot happen as long the other women are in the picture.<p> I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you in any way. I am doing it to protect my feelings of love for you & any chance of reconciliation in the future. I an not giving up on you.I wish I could be there for you right now, but I simply canot do it any more. Please know that I am very proud of you for the insight you have gained & pray for your strength to end the affairs. I am not closing a chapter of door, but this is necessary to keep the door open. I hope you inderstand my decision. I am doing it to protect the love that I have left for you, & it is the only way that I can preserve this love for some additioal period of time.<p> WH IC told him that if he wasn't 100%, to not attempt reconciling. He is to write down pros & cons each day for the next ten days. Should I hold out again - I know patience. But it is wearing thin. I'm beginning to feel like an old timer, without much posting experience.<p>I know the beginning sounded like teaching & I will probably delete that part, but this is just my first draft. I will probably hold on to it for 2-5 days.<p>Accepting now & not exploding.

Good letter..I would only send it to the WS...he is your only concern....I suggest you also do what Carol did in the Post above...I am doing B and I guess it is sort of getting my WS attention because he has contacted me this week serval times to see if he could make me mad...no luck...thank God.. Here is the letter I wrote to him..it has only been 10 days now, but I am doing well...<p>I had the need to write you and say some things in which I have not had the chance to say to you..I know if I tried to talk to you in person you would not listen so I felt this is the best way.<p>First, of all, I have really been doing some soul searching and I will admit that everything that has happen is not all your fault, I know you feel like I put all the blame on you and act as if I am perfect, its just that I really didn't know that I was doing anything to hurt you, I know that you have told me a long time ago about some things that I did to hurt you and I didn't take them seriously because, in my heart, I wasn't meaning for it to be taken that way, for instant, the time you went home with me, and I wouldn't fix your plate, and the time you was sick and I went to my Mary Kay's meeting...I really didn't think that you would be hurt by that because to me that was nothing...I felt that as long as you knew that I loved you and was faithful to you, nothing I did should have been hurtful to you..I guess I was trying to give you what I needed from you...all I wanted from you was to know that I could trust you and that you would continue to love me like I loved you..I guess I really didn't understand what you needed because I looked at what I needed and asumed that this was the only way to show you love...I know that I closed your spirit and I am so sorry...I wish that we could have communicated better and maybe it would have not gotten to this point...<p>I know that you really don't like to deal with me and I have finally came to the point where I have decided to let you along..I am moving on with my life as you have and I suppose then, you won't feel so defensive toward me. I suppose you think that when I try to talk to you about something that I have a motive behind it..I guess I did, because I couldn't accept the point that you were really out of my life..you know, I listen to my baby cry for you and I found that the best thing that I could do for them is to move on with my life like you did...my baby was talking to me and ask me if I was going to get a new husband because her daddy loves someone else...I asked her why she asked me that and she said because she hears you on the phone telling someone you love them and when she ask you if it is her mommy, you tell her no...I was so hurt when she said that until I realized that the only thing I could do is move on so that she won't think that I am here waiting on you..I think as long as she sees me alone, she feels that it may be hope for us..<p>I have been wanting to tell you this for weeks but I knew that you wouldn't really listen.....I know that this doesn't mean anything to you but I really tried to be a good wife to you..I even tried to show you in everyway I knew how..I suppose it wasn't enough. I am not mad at you and I really want you to be happy and if it is someone else who makes you happy..go for it..I can't say that I don't love you anymore and that I will not hurt when I think of you with someone else, but I have realized that you don't have anything for me and that it has been that way for years..it took me a long time along with a lot of deep hurts, but I finally got it..I have prayed to GOD to give me some closure so that I could move on and I guess maybe this was his way of closing it, allowing me to hurt until I became numb..however, I don't have to ask you for the closure anymore because I have it..<p>I will not contact you anymore from this day forward...if I need to tell you anything about the children, I will have Akili to tell you or their teacher to call you...Bye<p>What do you think? I didn't put the blame on him..!!

Tatchina - Thanks
It seems lately there a number of people moving to plan B. I am sure if WH had involved children like your little ones I would have moved to plan b sooner also. I too was blamed big time that I didn't show enough love when WH was sick. I also felt, it wasn't life threatening & the 2 kids have been worse. It was like once WH was in a period of pestimisism ? he could only see the worst. They ran a few tests & gave him some pills (prilosic & blood pressure, removed moles), basicly WH was having a hard time adjusting to the body changes in midlife. (Good thing he was never pregnant). I really liked that part in your letter about your preception of his illness & how you acted from love. From what I have read here WH's really try to create areas for blame to show that BS don't love them. IMO<p> I will give/send it to WH only in a few days. <p>There have been times were I truely felt ready to move on & then I allow WH to pull me back into his triangle. <p> OW has not meet with S-16 or D-21(I think), but WH has meet OWD-19 in Feb. Back in Dec. when I last talked to OW, OW was already planning to attend D's wedding, & told me we had better get along. I hope it will any weddings will be a long way off. D plans to finsh college first. D is deflecting all of her anger to staying away & trying to just be a good college student, inspite of WH. Unfortuneately I don't think WH understands D's pain. D immediately placed her own form of plan B. I have worked hard on trying to get him over the give up attitude towards the kids & that it is his choice how he wants to interact with them.<p>The times when I have felt better was when I started to accept being by myself & moving on without WH.<p>I will read Carol's post next.<p>I have a few loose ends to finish here the next two weeks & then I think I can go visit some places & give him the time WH needs without contact.

WS are really in fog...they don't see anything until they are forced to...my WS does not see the effect his behavior has on my D-6, when I use to tell him, he would act like I was lying or had a motive behind it...I just pray that God take care of us and pray that this does not affect my children in any negative ways later in life...I try to instill in my children that this is not how a husband and wife is suppose to be..

After what a friend told me about her D-6's
b-party I really do believe that the young kids & yours included are so perceptive of the current situition. My S-15 is like in the teen fog & D-21 is very vocal about her feelings & WH actions. I have partically stayed longer in Plan A, to help them reestablish a relationship with WH, & not based on something I said. So now in plan b, his relationship with them will be based on his choices.<p>I am helping a DV friend moved next weekend, she is now Div for 3 months. She invited her ex to stop in during her D-6 b-party if he wished. He did when the young girls was playing outside & just after my D-21 stopped to visit. She had not been home for 4 months so a lot to catch up on. My friend did not jump to greet him but allowed him to go as he wished.<p>Now long story short - he left without really visiting with the young girls. One of her D-6's friend asked what was the matter with the dad.<p>Then she said that he was walking around like a mummy in a trance. The only thing that was missing was he didn't have his arms out stretched. She then went on to demonstrate how he should have been walking. This little girl had no idea what the family was going through, but was so perceptive. <p> We later had a good laugh as I agreed with the mummy-like behavior while they are in the fog. If I would have heard that story before A I would have probably doubt it true.