I suggested to her this morning that I would drive her and wait in the car for her. Its an hour drive and there is no way to know if the OW is even there. She told me NO! She didn't want me to go with her. She said she doesn't know what she will do. I know my W pretty well after 17 years, I know what she will do. She won't be quiet for sure. She kept insisting NO! She said she would have no problem finding her. I told her I would really prefer to go with her but she said NO again. She will get her way, she always has. For the first time since D-Day I felt anger twords her. Until this moment I never felt anything but remorse and shame. I don't like this feeling. I guess her wants are more important than my feelings. POJA [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Isn't it likely that OP has at least seen pictures of BS? And therefore, it would be difficult for BS to nonchalantly wander up close to OP?

I've been reading this post because I am struggling with myself regarding the OW. My H has not had any contact since d-day except for the no contact letter. I on the other hand find myself unable to let her go. When I found out I emailed her something a bit nasty she replied saying I didn't know everything. I then emailed her again telling her what I knew and if she thought she could add to it go ahead. So she proceed to give me details some lies and some truths. One was she claimed to have been in my house, I sent her an email back telling her to prove it by describing my house...she couldn't. She also told me my H left it open with her incase it didn't work with me. He said this was not true. I left her alone for a little while but what she said haunted me. I wanted my H to confront her lies, then I read the advise for a no contact letter. I has my H to write her a letter and tell her he didn't have any plans to see her again. I felt this would help because I was afraid she would be waiting for him. He wrote her a letter stating he had no plans to ever see her again, he went into explaining how he regreted hurting me, how he realizes now how much he loves me, etc and that he didn't appreciate how she tried to hurt me with the emails. I thought the letter was great and I felt closure from it. This lasted quite a while then maybe more than a month later, I wanted to email her again so I did. She deleted it without reading it. I waited another month, sent another again she deleted it. Probably another month went by and I did it again same results. This pisted me off so I figured I'll just send blank emails and use the subject line to get her attention. I figured even if she deleted the message she would see the subject. So I sent some hoping to get her mad enough to respond to me. She didn't, she deleted them. <p>My H and I are doing well. He is doing everything he can to work on this. It seems I'm the one the makes us stall. I'm doing this to myself, I wonder why can't I just leave her alone. Then I thought about it today, I think I just want to see if she is hurt like me. And if not I want her to hurt. <p>I don't know what she looks like, I have a blurry idea. I feel like I want to see her as well but I know from my previous email she would be too scared of me to meet. I also think by the hurt and pain I have, I would think that I would hurt her given the chance. <p>Sorry if I've gotten off the main thread here but it just made me think of why I can't seem to leave her alone.<p>thanks for listening
sty<p>p.s. H doesn't know I've continued to email her. I thought I'd keep it from him kind of as a test. I figured if he does contact her she would tell him and he would confront me then I know he contacted her. Am I twisted? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't think she would recognize her although possible. She may have seen a photo a long time ago. I don't think that would matter anyway.
I don't know why I want to be there, but I do. I have done everything she has asked me. Told her the truth even when it would hurt. Where she works, age, family, ect. Now she will use this information as she pleases. She has screamed at me punched me verbally abused me since D-day and I never felt angry with her for it. I felt I deserved it.

Yes, it is possible the OP can identify you and it happens...my stbx's 1st, (or 4th, depending on how you keep the tally) OW knew what the kids and I looked like because he had shared the photos he had of us in his wallet [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] !<p>So, she lived some distance from us, but I had an idea what she looked like, and would always be thinking "Is THAT her? Is that her?" when I was shopping, nonetheless, because I knew she had friends nearby, and just may be in the mall sometimes.<p>Well I found out the hard way........the little B**** stalked me for a while. The first time she had the GALL to ask for change from the checkout girl while I was standing right next to her...call me slow, but I couldn't work out the smart faced grin for a while...until she started following me around at a distance calling out my name. Of course, I had a description, but, this was South Africa, and, well there are a lot of dark skinned, black haired women over there, so I could not pick her out. What hurt the most was that she did all this when my kids were with me. That she could have harmed us by doing this, physically, appalled my stbx at the time.<p>NOW, on to the topic.......I had the overwhelming feeling of wondering who she was, and for all of the same reasons mentioned by other posters. It ATE me UP not knowing HER, when she clearly knew me. STBX did not help matters by not allowing me to see her...I felt he was protecting her.<p>Ray, when you talk of your wife 'doing something', well, who are you worried about? If it is the wife, well, she is justified to go ballistic at this woman if she so desires, but I do not think she will. I knew the current OW, and I could have called her out any time I wanted, emailed her, etc, but I did not. I do not think your wife will do anything TOO bad either.<p>Even if you are not protecting the OW, it is going to come across as that to your W. She will resent this. So, for the sake of recovery, I would suggest that you let her go to the store on her own steam, deal with it in her own way, and then deal with the results of this at home as best you can.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Why would she want to put a face to the OW? So she can mentally torture herself further? I know my H is already mentally tortured by what he knows happened, if he could put a face to it I think it would drive him mad. He knows the guy actually is not much different from him in looks. Personality wise they are pretty different, and that part drove my H the most crazy. He analyzed that part over and over. <p>It would be a huge LB for her to go into that store and create a scene with OW. She is also opening you back up to getting involved with her, withour even realizing it. By doing she has been doing to you, she is making you want to see OW. I know, because I am a WS, and I know how you are probably thinking/feeling right now. <p>I think she needs to seriously consider the repercussions of seeing her.

Thank you both for your replies. You both bring up some very good points. Yes, my focus has been on the OW ever since this subject came up. I don't think I want to be there. But I think she needs to see her. Every time she hears a woman speaking Spanish she wonders if it might be the OW. Just hearing the language is a reminder and we live in a area where you can hear it every day.

Dr. Phil says that if you had the affair, you are responsible for doing WHATEVER it takes for HOWEVER LONG it takes to make things right. If it will help her to see the OW, then she should. As a BS, I know that often our imaginations are much worse than the truth. She has the right to know what she was competing with and who was meeting her H's ENs instead of her. <p>I don't know your whole story. Are you in counseling? I feel that it's almost impossible to recover from an A without it. I'm sorry that your wife is acting so emotionally right now, but I can totally relate. It is by far the worst pain you can endure, and it doesn't end just because the affair may be over.<p>I'm on the opposite side, I didn't have to imagine what the OW looked like, as she was my best friend (former). So I will always have a perfectly clear picture of the 2 of them in my mind to torture me from time to time.<p>I hope that you can work things out. Keep posting

Ray,<p>If this will happen, give your W all the reassurance she needs to get through this. <p>The WS in my case asked me to go with him while he 'broke' up with the OW. I was told to stay at a distance (we did - my cousin and I). It was pouring rain and we kept our distance but because my H did not give me full reassurance and the fact that I had to see them walk out of the restaurant together and them holding hands (he says he doesn't remember but I had bionic vision that night - LOL!! ). Well it hurt and it hurt real bad. I had nightmares after that. <p>So if you do plan this in a public place make sure it stays at a distance and you are right by your W's side. Of course, you will then have to trust your W that she will not 'visit' the OW without you to tell her a thing or 2. Very tempting for us BS ya know!!! <p>Where is your W at on MB principals? May want to make a prerequisit for her so that you can have trust on both sides. That POJA is good along with radical honesty. Please read up on both. <p>JMHO,
L.

Thank you Maggie for your reply. My W and I have had a few visits with a MC. One of the things that may have led to my A is the fact that I am the type of person who avoids conflict, ususally at any cost. At least with my W. Throughout our M I have hidden things from her. Anything that might have caused a conflict. I would never go out after work with the guys or anything like that. When I started smoking again I hid it from her for years. Yes and worst of all I had an A which I hid for 2 years. <p>So when I read all about the Policy Of Joint Agreement and Radical Honesty I realized that I had never been honest with my W I would always just let her have her way. I would never argue with her. Even if I was against something. See, Ididn't follow either one of these policys. So, I decided that if my marriage was to be fixed it would have to start with me. <p>"WHATEVER IT TAKES" is the path I usually follow. No matter how I really feel about something. Its in my nature to kiss my W's Rearend from now till kingdom come. I won't do that anymore. If something bothers me from now on I am going to have to speak up. If I don't agree with something I better tell her now instead of later. Including this issue of meeting with the OW. <p>I think it is reasonable for her to go and see the OW. Because I am in NO CONTACT mode I think she should agree not to talk to her. Once she does that, "WE" have contacted OW, who hasn't called since we told her not to. Whats the first thing the OW is going to do? Call me of coarse! And I wouldn't blame her. She is going to want to know what the hell is going on. <p>So normally I would do whatever it takes for as long as it takes. But I think thats what got me here in the first place.