I have no idea where we are in recovery or if we are even there yet. I think I need a fogese interpreter.<p>H says it has been 6 weeks since last contact. He is very guarded about telling me where he is mentally because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Last night's conversation...<p>I said okay 1/2 hour limit to R talk and work. He agreed that was a good idea. I got out the EN sheets to go over and update if needed (they are over 6 mos old). I pulled H's out and asked if he thought he should change it. He said I don't have any emotional needs. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
He feels guilty I do too much already. I said what about SF? He said oh well yeah. Then H said he was in turmoil. Every day he thinks about me and he also wants to call OW. He held his hands in a scale fashion weighing us against each other! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I say how important no contact is and reminded him that he said he felt obligated to answer her calls right before DD#2. He said yeah cause she always asked if H was divorced yet etc. I said I was confused because H said it wouldn't have worked out w/OW anyway. H said OW would never be able to trust him. I asked if he would trust OW? H looked confused. I asked if H found a wallet full of money and plenty of ID would he return it? H said yes. I asked what H thinks of someone who would keep it. H said a s***head. I said you are the wallet and OW found you and kept you. Silence. Then H started in with there were signs. I asked if H saw the signs or were they pointed out to him. He saw them himself. Then I LB and said if God is sending you signs to be w/OW then maybe you should go. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> Yes, then I tried not to cry the rest of the night. His response SF. <p>This morning H told me to be strong. I am weak. I want to write a note and tell him the last thing I want him to do is leave. I am insecure and scared and confused and PMSing [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>WHERE ARE WE?

Chin up. The fact that his is willing to sit down and talk about this is a good thing. Let him know you are sorry for the LB, and you don't really want him to leave. Don't badger about it, keep it short and simple. Also tell him that you know sometimes you can be difficult to talk to when you say things like that and that you are really trying not to and will continue to work on it and hope that he will continue to talk with you because you appreciate it.<p>Hope this helps some. Take care, and keep in mind a little something I have adopted myself. . .<p>"Be true, stay strong, but remember it's ok to feel weak sometimes."<p>You are strong, you are showing that, but it's true - it's ok to feel weak sometimes. My best to you.

Thanks Tutter,<p>I will apologize. I HAD been doing so well not LBing IMHO [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Somedays I am invincible and other days I have that pain in my chest and feel jaded.<p>I just wish H would come out of the fog! I want to turn that light switch on so he can see. How long...never mind I know. I can't clear the fog and it has to take place in his time frame, not mine. I know but I just love him so much and want him back, that man I fell in love with, I want him back. Ahhh here comes the question I ask myself daily...why didn't I cherish his love when I had it?

Twinkles - you are on the right track - trust me. You are right that the fog has to clear in his time, and not pushed by you.<p>So you LB'd - you're human, and personally I believe the WS needs to see how damn hard this is on the BS. I think it is a reality check!<p>Anyway - keep up with your best plan A and you know? Make sure you spend time just being with your H - just 15 minutes even of "chat" about anything and everything but your R. I really believe that is a part of restoring the "friendship" between a H and W and will build a safe environment for both of you when you really need to spill your guts.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Okay...I hide all negative feelings. This may sound funny, but I kind of act like our dog (you know-unconditional love) when it comes to H. <p>He knows I hide my feelings and has asked if that is a good thing. I of course think so. I strive to appear strong and confident (normally those weak moments are saved for when I am alone). <p>So...my question would be...if I could figure out how to share my feelings in a non-LB way...would it benefit us? Is it possible to share feelings in a non-LB way? Does the WS really want to know the extent of devestation experienced by the BS?

Hey Twinkles,<p>You and I are cut from the same cloth. I too hide all my negative feelings because I want to be that unconditionally loving wife. But we can see where that got us so obviously something has to change. <p>Actually, since I've been coming to this website for the last month or so, I've decided I want to change that part of me. I see now how hiding my feelings from him is not being radically honest either. The problem with that is he's not used to me trying to share my negative feelings so everytime I bring something up he thinks I'm trying to punish him for the A. So he LB's and I LB back. Fight on.<p>In answer to your question, no I don't think the WS really wants to know the extent of the hurt they've caused the BS. It's the other way around...the BS needs the WS to know how much they've been hurt.<p>What you and I need to figure out and I'm really hoping someone out there can point us in the right direction, is how do we rid ourselves of the anger we have pent up inside towards the A, our WS's betrayal, ourselves, etc without taking it out on either them or ourselves. I spend just as much time wondering how I could be so stupidly blind for 4 years as I did wondering how he could do this.<p>When he's not LBíng me, I don't feel the anger so going and beating up on pillows or something like that doesn't fit for me. But as soon as he LB's me, boy I have rage to reach the moon. <p>So what can we do to let some of the rage out so we can continue to learn to reveal our negative feelings, without LBíng back everytime????<p>Anyone out there have any suggestions?<p>[ June 20, 2002: Message edited by: Extremely_confused ]</p>

EC - I don't have that much anger. Once in awhile but rare. <p>I have more sadness. I cry as I ask myself why didn't I take better care of his love. I was unhappy with myself and pushed H away. So I believe I sort of got what I asked for...yes I am one of those BS who thinks it is my fault. Hey, it makes it a little easier to be understanding of WH [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But I would love to hear how others deal with negative feelings...sad...mad...insanity [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I just wonder if you are right. Is it the BS who wants the WS to know how the A has ripped the BS apart? I want my H to understand why I react the way I do to some things. For instance I have very little self esteem left, for the first time in my life I feel OLD. Well, I feel old because my WH had an afair with a 21 year old girl! Anyway, I don't know if it serves any purpose - WS knowing.<p>[ June 20, 2002: Message edited by: Twinkles ]</p>

Twinkles: It's possible that hearing, seeing and possibly feeling your pain and anger might help lift his fog. My biggest pains came out of my BH's pain. It helped me a lot actually, even though it was very difficult to stomach. He has to be willing to do his part in salvaging the M first, and then all of what you are hiding will truly benefit you. It actually is necessary in order to productively move forward, and it really helps you tred on the importance of real communication.<p>I wish you lots of luck, and strength. Take care.