A simple question really, but probably the most difficult one for me to answer. I wonder sometimes if this is the reason I have stayed. I really do love my WS with all my heart and soul, but because of circumstances and age
I wonder if I have put up with this selfish behavior only because I can't stand the prospect of being alone or starting over. I have no family and have drifted (because of distance and an Illness) from my close friends.
So I have to ask myself everyday, Am I staying for all the wrong reasons. How many others have these feelings ?

Mark - I have asked myself that question many times - when I was feeling low. Is it my D? Is it fear of starting over? Is it my religious belief? Is it I hate to fail? Wouldn't my life be easier if I left? It is probably a little of all of them but mostly I love him with my whole heart and soul and I would be so sad without him. I know I would be fine and survive. Call me selfish...but I am doing it totally for me, for love.

I too had wondered that..I think my problem was my expectations of what my family was going to be..along with the Fact...I just truly Love Him...I really don't want to start over again in a new relationship for all types of reasons...my children, learning someone new and not sure that I would be able to trust him and a whole lot of other things..

Like Willie Nelson sang "there are worse things than being alone...
Like a house when nobody's home.."<p>Something to ponder...loneliness vs heartbreak and loneliness anyway.

I have many thoughts. I love who my W was, not who she is now, but the hope of getting that person back is hard to put aside. I truly think I could be happy with someone else, but I don't think I could ever find someone that has as many of the same intrests and beliefs that me and my W shared. I don't think I will ever be as close to anyone as I was with my W before the A. I am preparing to move on, but I really miss my friend.

I know that same feeling, even though he has treated me badly, I still wonder if I put up with him because I don't wont to be alone, I have so many things going on in my head about this, I know he has not been here lately and before we were separated, he was staying out all times of the night, sometimes not coming home at all! So I guess I have been alone anyway, and I guess I am doing ok(maybe) Just so confusing!

Same here,Heartache...But I must admit that I do have more peace now that we are separated because I don't have to worry if and when he is coming in...That's a good thing!!! I am still lonely a lot and I do miss what we had at first...if I could find someone else to just have fun with again..I think my whole situation would become easier.

This was a question asked of me by a dear friend shortly after discovery and he had a very good comment as part of his question "I hope you are not trying to work this out/put up with this extremely selfish behavior because you are afraid of being alone because if you really think about it you have been alone in your relationship for several years and even more so for the past year while his A was going on" That hit me like a ton of bricks and really made me think. I had been in alone in many ways. First it was his work and then it was work and OW. I had been living "as if" alone for a long time.<p>That said, I really wrestled with this and came to the conclusion that I did love my WH and it was not just out of a fear of being alone or wanting to not lose (I am a very competitive person in some regards). I also came to the conclusion that despite that love I have for my WH, I would never agree to go back to what our marriage had become. I want to be married and share in a passionate and fulfilling relationship, not just be there when WH desired a sounding board and cook. Being truly alone for who knows how long and able to seek a more fulfilling relationship with friends, family and possibly a new mate is better than going back to a dead marriage.<p>I think every BS needs to think long and hard about this and really think out/write out and communicate what they want from a marriage so that they are not drawn back into a relationship just out a fear of being alone.

My parents have stayed together all these years for different reasons. My Mom has never had a good marriage, very miserable. My Dad is verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive to my Mom. I asked my Mom why didn't she leave and she said she knew she couldn't raise 5 kids by herself. I'm in my early 30's (oldest of us 5 is 41) and she said back when we 5 kids were little they didn't have the programs for single mothers like they do now. Then once us kids were raised and on our own, Mom became very ill and didn't feel like she could come and live with any of us kids, said she would feel like a burden. Then once she got better she didn't want to give up the house she fought to have for years, then Dad became sick and she said she would feel too guilty if she left him. Then Dad got better and now she stays because she's afraid of starting over. She says she's too old now and she just puts up with the abuse. I asked her if she was afraid of being alone and she said yes. I thought it very sad that she puts up with my Dad's abuse because she's afraid of being alone.<p>But then again, I've never had to be alone. I went from living with my parents to living with my H. But I have learned watching them over the years that being alone has to be better than the abuse on a day to day basis.<p>RW

I understand what everyone is saying, one of my problems is what if I get to the point of wanting someone else, and he turns out to be worse than I had, I know this is a self-esteem issue that I have to work out and I will, that's why right now for me I think I have to be totatly alone, to get myself together.<p>tatchina..I feel the same way about him not being there, since we have separated I have had bad days, but I don't have to worry if he's coming home or not anymore!<p>H is really trying to get back in the house, he is coming over every day, compliments, love you, everything, but I really think that this is just so he can come back and get things the way they were. and I can't have that, because I think he is just going back to the OW(won't admit to) when things cool down.<p>sorry just venting!!<p>Things will get better!

Heartaches,<p>Vent all you like, we all understand. Hang in there, my best to you

Thanks Mark H<p>I really don't know what I would do without this site, I wish I had found it sooner!! It is really amazing(sad) to see so many people going through the things I am going through, and this is one of the things I thought about staying, because I might end up in this same situation or worse. I will figure it out sooner or later.<p>Thanks to everyone!

<small>[ June 30, 2002, 02:29 AM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>