Let's have a do's and don't thread on recovery. My WW and I live together, there's a comfort level that has returned, but very little affection ( SF or not) and no discussions of the A anymore. I wonder how many others have this situation and if so, is this recovery of some form. My WS has apologized several times and I am still not sure she is here to stay, but is there a point where you should just let it flow and not force anything, or am I suppose to confront it (without LB's and all that I know).
If you have had this happen to you, what did you do or what are you doing and what has worked and what hasn't worked. please share with us all your experiences good and bad so that we all can see what worked what did not work and why you think it worked or didn't. If this doesn't make any sense, that's not new for me. One more note...Thanks to everyone on this site for all the help you have given me. I have found this to be the best therapy around, because you all know what I am going through.

Hi MarkH,<p>Your description of what's going on with your M sounds like my marriage from 1990 to Dec 2000. (see my signature info).<p>As far as "Don't" do:
Don't bury your pain and anger in order to "keep the peace" in your marriage.
Don't buy into the myth that "we don't need counseling" because we're still together.
Don't tell yourself that you "trust" your WS.*
Don't tell yourself that you "forgive" your WS.*
Don't "act like it never happened".
Don't LB your WS... if they are truly willing to work on the M, then they are hurting just as much as you are.<p>*(I'm not saying this to bash all WS... what I'm saying is that you need to deal with your hurt and anger and admit that you DON'T trust them...right now. And that you haven't forgiven them... forgiveness is a process and if you and your WS haven't discussed/dealt with ALL of the issues, then how do you really know what you are forgiving???)<p>
Here are some "DO" things that I wish that I'd done early on:<p>Do let your WS know that you are committed to the M.
Do let your WS know that you love them and care for them.
Do let your WS know your TRUE feelings...even if it 'hurts' them... remember, YOU are not responsible for your WS's feelings.
Do try to meet their most important ENs.
Do go to marriage counseling.
Do realize that there are issues that YOU are responsible for in creating a marriage climate where one spouse would want to have an A... (but remember, YOU did NOT cause/make them have the affair... the WS made that choice all by themselves... so don't beat yourself up and think that you "caused" the affair.)
Do work on the issues that YOU are responsible for in your M.<p>I'm sure that there are others that have more insight than this... these are just some of the first things that 'popped' into my head.<p>I wish you the best in your recovery...
RIF90

Mark,
I've seen some Do's and Dont's around which I will find for you.<p>But I did want to say that I think your situation is pretty normal. Maybe I'm mistaken because I'm also living with my WW and I guess that feels "normal" to me, but I'm willing to bet a great many of us are in the same boat.
Having said that, I don't really see that there are any "special" behaviors or "things" you need to do because she's living with you while you go through this, nor is it necessarily a good or bad sign as far as recovery is concerned.
Sure, if she'd left and then came back, that could be interpreted differently, but if she's never left, like in my case, you just Plan A normally, no special circumstances that I can see.
There is an advantage that while living together you both have a better chance of reconciling, more time together, more contact for Plan A behavior, but other than that, I'd say just Plan A.

Compilation of Do's and Dont's, 180's, etc.<p>MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING / MARRIAGE BUILDING
1. Be patient. Time is an asset even when it seems to be killing you.
2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is REALLY saying to you.
3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy
4. Learn quickly to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other chances in your life that are not in turmoil.
6. Be cool, strong, confident and speak softly.
7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than ANY words you can say or write.
8. Read as much as you can on this subject <p>MANDATORY DON'T's WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING / MARRIAGE BUILDING
1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more then ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy.
2. Do not focus on your self when communicating with your spouse.
3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less then 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and they are scared.
4. Do not fall into the "green eggs and ham" trap. (See Dr. Seuss for clarity)
5. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
6. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. <p>MANDATORY DONT'S
-Don’t initiate any relationship (R) talk, stop being so available, give them lots of time and space, stop expressing your interest so dramatically, establish independence again with style not in an angry or dramatic way, don’t try to get in their head, if confronted with rejection don’t take it personally, take the body blows smiling, Workout, diet, get new clothes, haircut, and be happy when they see you...<p>“I have reflected on some of the things that got results from my H in this situation and here they are:<p>1. When he called me, I ended the conversation first.
2. When he came around I would ensure that the house smelled really good and I looked casual but well groomed. Spoke much softer than normal.
3. I definitely 'acted as if' my life was full and moving forward without him.
4. Did not give him as much eye contact as he likes. But when I did look in his eyes I did it flirtatiously.
5. Slowed my body language down - more controlled and no touchy, feely. Kept out of his space. Definitely no emotional outburst or tears. “Oh no, not the tears again, I am out of here”.
6. Never requested any assistance from him in anything. Caused him to offer.
7. When he expected me to do something, I would do the opposite. That got his attention.
8. Held back when he wanted a cuddle or any form of affection. Let him kiss my cheek instead of my lips.
9. Refused to see him when requested, let him pursue before I gave in, maybe three requests for one sighting of me.
10. Posted his mail instead of handing it to him or calling him. He always asks why not call and I will pick it up. <p>1. For walk-aways you must understand the actions and behaviors that created the climate for the flight.
2. You have not only to change those behaviors but actually live them.
3. You can only control your actions
4. You cannot control the situation you are in but you can control how you react in it.
5 Anything you do or say through the process is remembered. NEVER SPEAK IN ANGER!!!
6. Become the man or woman your spouse would never think of leaving. The man or woman that all their friends and support group would in times of crisis drive him/her back to you.
7. Listen and observe to every last detail from your H or W.
8. IF you are ever unsure how to act DONT.
9. When things don’t seem to be going well redefine your short term goals.
10. Live in positive times, keep positive filters on.
11. Accept that it takes time.
12. Accept that no matter what the outcome YOU are a good person and you have done your best. At the end of the day we must live with ourselves. <p>MY suggestions:
Don't PUSH your Hs into therapy w you!
DON"T insist on talks about your relationship.
Don't pry and become obsessed with EAs or OW.
WORK ON YOURSELF!
Actions speak louder than words. Change YOUR behavior and attitudes NOW! The only person you have ANY control over in this world is YOU!!!!
Men HATE relationships talks and if they resist therapy, go by yourself!
DON"T PURSUE YOUR H...lovingly DISTANCE!<p>Here is more on 180: I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com
I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.<p>1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Ahhh! It all sounds so easy! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Can I add...<p>Do not beat yourself up if you slip and LB. Just get right back up and Plan A even better. <p>I needed to add that since I LB'd last night and you know...as the day went on and I received some good advise here...I realized it wasn't over because I slipped. Thanks to those who picked me back up, dusted me off and set me in the right direction again [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]