Well, here is a quick recap of my story. WW has a PA 3 times with coworker (OM #1). OM #1 quits job and WW tells me. WW ends contact w/ OM but after one month moves out (says she needs her space). The first night she moves out she hangs out with OM #2 who she just met and was set up with by another co-worker. She spends the next 2 or 3 nights at least with him. I think she might be staying with him still because she is hardley at her apartment and has very little furniture there.<p>Well monday she came by the house to take care of some financial matters. She was nearly in tears, said she said she still loves me and always will, and that she missed me and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek.<p>My question is this, I am going to not initiate any contact for a month (when we will have to deal with our finances again), but should I talk to her if she calls or respond to emails? What do you think. I want her to really feel what a DV would be like, plus it is easier for me to get over her if I don't talk to her. Sometimes I think I don't want her back, but I waver back and forth on this. What do you think?

Whether you want her back or not is not something anyone here can help you with. That is strictly up to you.<p>I will ask this, though; how long did you Plan A for before you separated?<p>If you're doing Plan B; then no contact is no contact. None except what is absolutely necessary. It is better for you, and it is the only way she will miss what you can give her.

Really about 2 months of Plan A, although I hadn't found this site yet and didn't even know about A, just knew something was wrong. She left 2 weeks after I found this site and read SAA, but much of the stuff I was doing anyway.

What is tough is it seems like you haven't had much time to plan a. Went straight to B. Have you thought about talking to Harley? I think it will help if you just concentrate on you and taking care of you. Sounds like her fog might be lifting a bit now that she has had a taste of life without you.
Keep your chin up and keep posting and reading.
Layli

Yes, I didn't have much of a chance for Plan A. When she moved out, she said she needed her space. She was actually with OM #2. She has told me she just wants to date and party. But you know what, I'm a pretty patient and understanding person, so I have been in a pretty good Plan A our whole marriage, just not perfect. I did LB some, but for the most part our M was pretty good, she even says that. So, I don't really know what to do or what I want. I just know that she is dating and seeing at least one OM. I am not dating and I am not going to until I feel the M is over and I feel I'm ready. I have too much baggage right now to date, and I am too vunrable. I guess all I can do is hang on and see if she comes back and if I want her back when she does.

Hi,<p>FWIW, I'm in Plan B myself right now... I can tell you this... it IS good to "get away from it all", even if I realize it may only be temporary, since if/when recovery starts, that'll be a new barrel full of monkey fun! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyhow, all I can really say is the decision to go to Plan B should be based on YOU, and how YOU feel. If you're truly prepared to accept any outcome, then that says something about your state of mind. The thing that was stressed to me in C'ing is that you have to have at least something left in reserve when going to Plan B... you can't be completely "dry", or it'll just feel so good, you won't want to work on things.<p>Plan B might seem scary, but the way I see it is it's better than the alternative of a continued, unending, nerve-wracking marital living death.<p>Don't go into it with expectations, but do go into it with hope. Your WW's recent signs of love should give you a boost of hope.<p>As it was described to me, it's like a holding pattern where I'm sitting, waiting for my WW to "catch up" with me.

J.R. thanks for the reply. I am in Plan B mostly because of her initial desire for space, but it is really what I needed too. I feel if I continued Plan A much longer I would have lost all Love for WW, as my Love Bank for her was going bankrupt faster than Enron. So now I am comforatable with both DV and working on M. I realize that both will be difficult.

SCBI,<p>I think you need to slow down just a bit. Just because she shows up and cries doesn't mean much. She is still dating, still with at least one other OM. In short, nothing has changed.<p>A major point. Plan B is not to SHOW HER ANYTHING. It is to protect your love for her. The purpose is to protect you from what she is doing so that you still may have enough love left to help rebuild the marriage should SHE ever decide to end the affairs.<p>What does sometimes happen is that the WS does begin to see that they themselves are the cause of it all, because the BS is not there doing anything for them, to them, and can't be easily blamed. <p>So you need to realize that in Plan B you don't initiate contact or really have any but the most required contact until the affairs are over. This Plan along with Plan A are about you, not her. You cannot educate her, you cannot really reach her until the affairs are over.<p>One other good thing about the series of plans is that you will very likely feel less and less connection to your W. Not because you don't love her, but because you will begin to see the relationship more realistically. If nothing changes in her thinking, eventually, you will become ready for divorce. It makes the transition easier but by no means easy.<p>I noticed although I cannot see them right now that both you and W are young. I don't recall that you have any children. You need to read Harley's articles here for in one of them he points out that if his W had an affair and no children were involved he would divorce her.<p>Why do I mention this? It is to point out that this site is about rebuilding marriage. It can be done but with lots of work. But, this site is NOT about ALL marriage needing to be or even being capable of being saved. <p>I am not advocating that you file for divorce. I am advocating that you read the material here very carefully. Then think about your situation and decide if you really want to go through the rebuilding process. <p>If you do, then I think you need to reevaluate your approach to this. You might really want to be in Plan A rather than B. On the other hand your W seems to be more infactuated with the single life than with any particular man, suggesting that she needs to mature more than anything. This means that some of the approaches here may not work until she does. Will you be willing to put up with this for that length of time?<p>Hard questions, but this is a hard situation. So don't worry about her for awhile, but do some reading, then some serious and deep thinking about what YOU want out of your life and any spouse you have. Then act accordingly. I think this approach just may help you with the issues at hand. I hope so.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I wasn't really reading too much into the crying. It was just a little different than the other reactions I have gotten from her. We don't have children, but I don't believe that is the only reason to rebuild a marriage. You see we were very close until the A started. She was my best friend. We had only spent 5 nights apart in 5 years of M until the A. Those nights were always harder on her than me. I am okay with going on with my life without her, and I realise I just need time to let our feelings work themselves out. I'm really just getting things off my chest and some advise.