I have a feeling that I know the answer that i'm going to get to this question, but have decided to ask it nevertheless.<p>My son (who is 4) has been asking lots of questions about his biological father. He has a stable, sane father figure in his life and always has. But he understands that this man is not his "father".<p>Recently out of the blue he asked "can I call my father?" I explained that his father lived far away and that I didn't have his phone number. He said "can I write him a letter then?" Thank God the phone rang. My son went to play and forgot all about it (for that day).<p>We have explained that my BF loves him very much. That his bio dad could not take care of him and so it's mommy and bf's job to make sure that he has a great life. My son's just not satisfied.<p>I'm kind of at my wits end. I don't know what else to tell him. He's 4 for God's sake. I can't even imagine the questions i'll get when he's 10.<p>As far as his dad and I here's the short version:
We were introduced by a mutual friend. We had ended things when I discovered that I was pregnant. WE decided to have the baby, then several months later he decided that he didn't want the baby.<p>Apparently (completely unbeknownst to me) he was having a sexual relationship with the friend that introduced us. After we ended things they became a couple and she began to play the role of BS. <p>We simply leave one another alone at this point. I have no desire to be involved with them, and they have not acknowledged this child in any way (other than having the paternity confirmed).<p>So the question:
should I contact him and tell him that his son is asking questions or should I leave it alone?

KS,<p>What a mess. Have you asked your son the reasons for wanting to contact his father? It may be time to discuss things in a simple version so that he understands. I would guess some of this is coming because his friends have fathers.<p>I don't think there is an easy answer. At some point he will really want to know and perhaps need to know, but at 4 it isn't clear. I do think that you might want to contact his bio father. He is after all the father, and whether he supports his son or not, it would be a good thing to warn him about your sons curiosity.<p>You and his father need to address this issue and I think that your sons questions suggests that this would be a really good time to figure out how to handle it.<p>Good luck and God Bless,<p>JL

One of my great friends grew up just like your son, never knowing his bio dad. I will ask him what he thinks of your situation when I see him this weekend. He could give a lot of insight, he is grown now and loves his stepdad/father figure. He thinks of him as his real dad. I have never heard him call him a stepdad, just dad or father. So there is some hope later in life, but I will ask my friend how he felt as a child.

thanks

I agree with JL, I think you should contact his father and try to establish contact between them. Of course, you have to be prepared for the eventuality that he will not WANT to see his boy and make preparations for such a case. In that case, there is not much you can do except deliver a story of some kind to your boy. How sad that this child is put in this position.

No- try to find out more about what is motivating your son to ask the question. Inviting the OM into your son's life could be dangerous- he's an unknown quantity.
Maybe suggest to your son that he write the letter. But tell him first- I don't know where your biological father is, and I don't have his address. Why don't we write down your thoughts in a letter but we won't put it in the mail right now. (Pick a special place to put it- maybe a journal or something). Maybe your son would express his feelings and give you some insight.

Nah,
I don't know KS, here is a man who walked out of both of your lives and evidently has not looked back. The adult is the one who should have arms long enough to reach out to the child. I think to contact the man is to (possibly) set your son up for further rejection. But what do I know??? Do what makes you feel most comfortable. But we're talking about the emotions of an innocent child here... Your son deserves to be protected by you.<p>??? Maybe now would be a good time to introduce your son to his Heavenly Father--someone who he can always depend on and who will never leave nor forsake him... "When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." (Psalm 27:10)<p>I'm sorry to be quoting scripture to you, cuz I know how you feel, but scripture is what saved me and my son in a situation with no dad for 10 years until I got married... Unfortunately, your son is already experiencing the emptiness a fatherless child feels (rejection) at such a young, tender, age--while he's still a baby! They know what's going on... The best thing is to tell him the truth, just like you did, so he can live his life without any illusions or false expectations. His focus should be on the ones who really love and want him--that is, you, your family--and good men who can be examples in his life such as uncles or grandfathers and such. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Are you ready to deal with joint parenting issues? Another scenario that could happen is that biodad decides that he wants to be involved, wants visitation, etc. If you make the contact, be ready for anything.<p>Your son might just be curious. The scene I see is that he meets his biodad. He sees his dad, just another man who he does not know. This man is no one special to him. It could help your son realize that he has no bond to his biodad. With his curiosity filled, he may be able to move on.<p>There is a fantasy that biodad will love him. The more people a child has to love them the better. But the reality is that this man does not love your son as he is not involved.<p>My son is adopted. Our society is geared toward the rights of birth parents. The thought is that the birth parents are the real ones and the ones who raise a child are not real parents. My son is 13 and I still have people ask me about his ‘real parents’. I simply point out that since he has been with me since he was 10 days old I am his real mother.<p>My son and I have had many discussions about his birth parents and his adoption. He has known of his adoption since day one.. it’s a simple fact of his life just as is his hair color. One of the main themes I've used is that families are made up in many ways. I point out all the children we know who are being raised in blended families. Many of them have not seen one of their birth parents since they were toddlers. Anyone can be a birth parent. But a child’s real parents are the ones who are there day to day. I wonder if you and others have dwelt too much on the biodad thereby leading your son to believe that he is missing something.<p>Do talk to him and find out what is behind this. He has some questions he needs answered. You may be able to help him deal with it without opening up a nasty bad of worms.

Last night I think I got to the bottom of where all of this is coming from.<p>There is a little boy at school is picked up every day by his father. I think my son translated "father" as man in the house. Having nothing to do with biology. He began calling my BF daddy after he met this kids' dad.<p>He brought it up again last night and I explained to him that mommy and another man made him. But that Mommy and BF were there to love and protect him. I explained that mommy was permenant, and that BF was our really good friend. That marriage was promise from BF to be his daddy forever. So far so good.<p>BTDT [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
We don't teach "heavenly father" at my house. We teach God as Gaia/mother or genderless greater spirit. <p>Now you had to know i'd have some funky nontraditional view of God. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I get what you're saying though. Thanks

I talked to my friend who grew up in a similar situation. He told me that any contact with his biological father would have just confused his relationship with his (step) father. He is glad he never met him, but he did have questions when he was young. It wasn't until he was about 13 or 14 that he started to appreciate his (step) dad. Now he loves him dearly.