Background You’ve heard the routine about “You may be a Redneck, If … I don’t want to be accusatory here but here is a brief review of some of my DW’s history in that context.<p> If you have sex with a stranger (forget the fact that you’re married!) … you might be a sexaholic.
 If you have sex with your new friend's friend after a 5 minute (and no more!!) introduction/ “come on” & you invite him into your home for sex … you may be a sexaholic.
 If you have “unprotected” sex with a stranger (a little risk! :eek [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] … you just might be a sexaholic.
 If you have sex with three different people (guys in this case) in one day (even if one is your H!) … you just might be a sexaholic.
 If you continue a relationship with the two strangers, just for the sex and the “excitement,” (her words!) while continuing high activity with your H … you just might be a sexaholic.
 If you continue with the married stranger even after being asked to back off by his wife …
 When you entertain these guys in your home in the summer with virtually all the retired and school teacher surounding neighbors at their home (More Risk here) … You may be a se*aholic<p> When fueding with your H and spending two nights in the guest room, you come to H & initiate Se*, then immediately afterwards & in an aggressive tone, state that regardless of the se*, you still have issues … you just might be a se*ahoholic<p> When you have what many would consider deviant sex (entry point never done with H) supposed, because that was the only way the guy could get off … you may be …<p> What if after a brief separation and the weekend after she was out dancing at a bar with her sexy young divorced cousin. This gal by the way, has been with around 14 different guys in last 10 years – not bad when over that time she had committed relationship, albeit loosely defined, at least on her part, with three guys which did not create much of a gap where she was officially by herself. She has seldom had her own place over this period of time. She could be a sex … HMMM --- You find a six pack of condoms in your DW’s glove compartment … She might be a se*aholic.<p> When you perform oral S on your H in an indoor movie theater … You may be a ...<p>Now when this person accepts no responsibility for these things and claims she was a victim and has not been in any type of recovery program, wouldn't most reasonable people assume that we have some risk here?! Her point & a point she has mentioned that her boss has said, is that because she has not acted out (at least as in above examples), since D/Day that she does not have a problem. She has not had any revolutionary religious or spiritual awaking & is in this “denial” state; I don’t think she is “healed”<p>Now I’m no expert, but what if we take a wild stab or perhaps a leap and if we are brutally honest here, I don't think it is much of a stretch to suggest that maybe, just maybe, she might have a problem here! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
Current Issue: <p>She has also on many occasion & with some level of force told me that she really does not like my compliments – That it infers a return jesture and she can’t always do that – She states the same logic for asking me not to tell her, "I love you" & I have been told here in fact that when I say this, even on causal good byes over the phone, it is a form of control – expecting or asking for a return gesture again. For sure, over the years, she has not reciprocated on those sentiments.<p>My dilemma here is that it seems she has this insatiable need to be admired by “Others” It seems it is the crowd & the potential for attention from others that is the “hook!” Now I know I just described more the actions that the feelings, but she has strongly repeated & reinforced the idea that I cannot give her these feeling of admiration or whatever. "It just doesn't mean as much coming form a H!" She'll claim virtually all of her friends will say same thing! And that they "check out" the hot guys, too! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As you may know, I am continually directed to this issue of Se*ual addiction & I was inspired to order this study material from a Christian broadcast show called “Hope for the Heart” in which a June Hunt discusses Se*ual Addiction – by listening to these tapes, it has me even more convinced that my DW has this need for “erotic excitement” which for different people (usually, us guys get nailed with these issues!) can take on different forms, like pornography, voyeurism, exhibitionism and so forth. June's key is that a person with this condition has a mixed up concept of what Se* is to mean. They have a fixation on feelings they get from erotic excitement and not a relationship with a person. Instaed it is this relationship with these feeling of “erotic excitement;” that is the relationship and not with a person! One big thing, as I have a feeling you may realize is that with this condition, what creates this "erotic excitement" gets progressive and becomes an over powering, enslaving need that the person may think they can control, but in fact, ultimately they can not. <p>One thing that June discusses, which I have heard from other sources as well, is that when a person has a dramatic, high stimulating experience (in this case, se*ual), it creates certain hormonal releases through our adrenal gland that “stamps’ these imagines in our brain & causes them to come back, involuntarily and will then create “triggers” that cause the may cause the person to act out in different ways, to get their “fix” so to speak. These stamped Images will continue for a long time, even years! This is the danger of Porn for example. Most things that we may see about this issues is usually directed us guys. Compulsive self love for example! Guys who may go to a strip club as a routine or Internet Porn of course. But for a gal (or guy for that matter) it could mean rubbing up against another person or exposing themselves in a certain way or of course initiating a flirtatious conversation
(Not that everyone who flirts is a se*addict!)-- It is the charge, the thought pattern, the impulses & urges that dictate the compulsion. In my DW's case, she described this first encounter with the first guy as very “exciting.” After he did not call back, she started calling him – even when she was visiting her cousin 300 miles away. I would imagine this dramatically stimulating event or "Stamped image" created a flashback for her & other encounters since may have added to her Stamp (stamped image) Collection! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don’t believe she has had any physical encounters since D/Day, but I can see an escalation of her erotic feelings with the summer heat & I can sense her need meter increasing. And with her manipulative way with me about my calls to her being annoying & big LBs & Her lack of calling me very often and her lack of any real accountability; she could certainly have plenty of time for opportunities if she wanted. "Definate posture of INDEPENDENT BEHAVIOR" -- She is definitely developing a routine of visiting our local pool in her new bikini & I know it sounds terrible, but this could very well be her way of “cruising!” Can’t say for sure of course, but the bikini in her mind seems to be a secret – She may assume I have seen it in her closet, but she has not said anything & the times I’ve gone with her to the pool (twice) she has worn a one piece. When I asked her about recent purchases from VS, she said, “Only a Bra.” <p>
In case you did not know, there have been scientific studies that show that it is gal that initiates most flirting kinds of activity & attention – the way they throw their chest, sway thier hips, bend over or brush their hair, swing their head or laugh or with touches or hiking of skirts – Study I read noted the gals learn these things in junior high! What do you think?<p>I digress or ramble here --- I don’t know enough about this to know what course of action is best &
I have to spend time on me which like many have said, I’m the only one I can control; but I know that the addict will not seek help on their own – it is their fix! It is their coping mechanism. Obviously if they don’t admit to the problem, they will not seek a solution and will continue to lie & manipulate to continue their ways.<p>
I need to respectfully ask, do you have any experience in working with anyone with an addiction?. I know that certain things I may do may actually help her thrive in this “Zone.” Or, if you will, I could easily become an “enabler” for her continued unhealthy habits or ways of thinking. As you amply point out, she has some needs, some “voids” she is trying to fill. Her bulimia (of which she denies any serious problem with) is of course another sign. BTW, Carne’s books on SA point out that it is very common for the SA to have other compulsions. It is not the Se* as such, it is the high, the euphoric feelings to try & fill this void they feel. <p>Along these lines I have tried to better understand “boundaries” and I am thinking that going out "on the town" in her way, is a dangerous proposition, independent of my “jealous” feelings. For example, another time last summer, when we were sitting in a both and she was in her short shorts, and tank top with string straps there was a guy sitting at the bar that kept looking over & was very obvious with his stares “up and down” – I got demonstrative and stared back at guy. She got upset & I explained that I was having a moment & I was trying to deal with it, but it did not help for her to get mad at me & that I was not upset at her (as such). This is the exact kind of thing you described – she did not feel at all responsible (as maybe she should not!), about my reactions, but regardless, I know I just cannot deal with these kinds of situations – on the other hand, I feel she is definitely pressing the issue here. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
I am looking for best hints on NON –ENABLING, YET HELPFUL strategies here? <p>Perhaps basic survival ideas until real help is in place! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
I am still staying in academic mode here. I know with this I can’t obsess over “her issues,” but I don’t think I can ignore them either. <p>Again, thanks for your patience and any insights are very much appreciated!!<p>Peace,
HH<p>[ June 20, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>
