I posted yesterday and realised that i have really been out of the MB loop for a while bcos i do not see any familiar names posting anymore and there are many new members here. Welcome!<p>My last post after 3 months narrated what has been going on since i relocated and i thank everyone who has replied with their kind words and advice.<p>i was told today by my H that this is how rock bottom feels. He said that bcos we had a very long discussion about the A and i told him that i still feel extreme guilt, remorse and at most times, i feel like i want to just disappear and hide my face in shame. I have strong feelings of hatred for myself and see nothing but darkness and filth when i look at myself in the mirror. To make me feel better, i remind myself that i am still here with my H bcos of his selflessness and love for me...but when i do think about that, it just makes my stomach churn bcos i am reminded of how much i had put him through over the past 6-8 months. I dont feel any better, even though he constantly reminds me that he loves me and pleads for us to be like we were before all this crap started.<p>Last week i went to church, after a very very long time. I had confession and was so overwhelmed that i was fighting back tears as i was confessing. It was good for me and i shall be going regularly now. My grandmother also recently passed away whilst i was here and did not get a chance to go home for her funeral. I feel guilty for that too.<p>How can I come out of this rut that i am in? What can i do to stop feeling so discouraged and pessimistic about myself and everything around me? Are there any other WS' out there who has felt like this too? I am crying out for help.<p> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

I am a WS feeling almost exactly like you. I am so full of extreme remorse tonight it's not funny. I am also incredibly lonely though. My H is still adamant he's not coming back. He left.<p>Unforutnately, the only ways I know to try to stay out of my blue funk and depression are:<p>1. Try to maintain optimism that my H will come around and be willing to try. This is hard to do because I know he's as stubborn as they come. However, I usually end up deluding myself into this one and it keeps me going.<p>2. Try to spend time doing stuff and being with people, and not staring into the mirrow. I avoid the mirror. I don't like my reflection much either.<p>3. This is a recent technique: I direct my anger at the OM for instigating the whole damn affair. But, when he's not around to yell at this just keeps me awake at night.<p>4. I make a bunch of posts on here and wait for the supportive remarks to come.<p>Here's one you can do, that I can't: Look at the wonderful husband you have living with you and smile. Remember that he loves you so much he has decided to be with you, and that you are fortunate to have him. Your mistakes are in the past, and eventually will fade from the surface somewhat.<p>I hope my reply was more helpful than descriptive of my low mood.<p>Keep posting, it sure keeps me going.<p>Take care,<p>Jen <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by GenevieveM:
<strong>I posted yesterday and realised that i have really been out of the MB loop for a while bcos i do not see any familiar names posting anymore and there are many new members here. Welcome!<p>My last post after 3 months narrated what has been going on since i relocated and i thank everyone who has replied with their kind words and advice.<p>i was told today by my H that this is how rock bottom feels. He said that bcos we had a very long discussion about the A and i told him that i still feel extreme guilt, remorse and at most times, i feel like i want to just disappear and hide my face in shame. I have strong feelings of hatred for myself and see nothing but darkness and filth when i look at myself in the mirror. To make me feel better, i remind myself that i am still here with my H bcos of his selflessness and love for me...but when i do think about that, it just makes my stomach churn bcos i am reminded of how much i had put him through over the past 6-8 months. I dont feel any better, even though he constantly reminds me that he loves me and pleads for us to be like we were before all this crap started.<p>Last week i went to church, after a very very long time. I had confession and was so overwhelmed that i was fighting back tears as i was confessing. It was good for me and i shall be going regularly now. My grandmother also recently passed away whilst i was here and did not get a chance to go home for her funeral. I feel guilty for that too.<p>How can I come out of this rut that i am in? What can i do to stop feeling so discouraged and pessimistic about myself and everything around me? Are there any other WS' out there who has felt like this too? I am crying out for help.<p> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> </strong><hr></blockquote>

Hi Jen, nice to hear from you and thank you for replying. You are not alone. I am here. Come back here and post again. I dont sleep early so i am usually up and reading as much as i can. Nights are the worst for me.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>1. Try to maintain optimism that my H will come around and be willing to try. This is hard to do because I know he's as stubborn as they come. However, I usually end up deluding myself into this one and it keeps me going. <hr></blockquote>
Optimism is lacking around here. I cant anything beyond what i am feeling at the moment. I am not waiting for H to come around bcos he already has and we are now 6 months into our recovery. He has been as patient as he can with me.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>2. Try to spend time doing stuff and being with people, and not staring into the mirrow. I avoid the mirror. I don't like my reflection much either. <hr></blockquote>
Yeah, i can understand the mirror bit, its like looking at a demon or an ugly hag. I dont spend anytime with other people bcos i have just moved here and am alone while H is away on business for 3 months (yup, so soon into our recovery - but we need the money so he has to work and i am still looking for a job)<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>3. This is a recent technique: I direct my anger at the OM for instigating the whole damn affair. But, when he's not around to yell at this just keeps me awake at night. <hr></blockquote>
Ah, this one i know i will not do bcos i have not thought of OM in any way or form since i last spoke to him and told him that he was a mistake. That was more than 3 months ago. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Here's one you can do, that I can't: Look at the wonderful husband you have living with you and smile. Remember that he loves you so much he has decided to be with you, and that you are fortunate to have him. <hr></blockquote>
Well, like i mentioned before, he is not here with me. He is away for work and it has been really hard being alone to deal with my demons. I know he loves me but its only making me more sick of myself. Thank you for being so encouraging though.<p>I dont really know your whole story but i will be hopeful for you that your H comes back home. Are u in Plan A or B? Where can i look for your earlier posts so that i can followup on your developments? <p>Remember Jen, you are not alone and i know this is easier said than done bcos here i am feeling all alone too. But just knowing that someone read and responded to my post and understood what i am going through helps a little. Come back here and lets keep in touch.<p>hang in there and let me know if i can offer u any help in any way. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>

• me - WW - 32, H - BS - 35
  Been together 2 years
  OM - 23 - met through work
  PA started Oct '01, ended Jan '02
  EA ended Feb '02 ( had my moment of clarity that changed my life)
  D-Day - Feb 15, 2002
  Left job and relocated on April 2, 2002 for a new life.
  H and I still together, now in Recovery

I hope you are on your way up - everybody deserves another chance.<p>There is a book called Forgiven Forever by Joe Bean, who is a preacher and who runs Family Dyamics - they use the MB principles, that is suggested reading for those like you becasue you need to get past those feelings before you can work on your marriage.<p>Know too that God loves us all the same way - so you're not loved any less for what you've done, than any BS on the board. And that's what forgiveness and confession is for - to help you heal and move on. God has already forgiven you. Now you just need to work on forgiving yourself.<p>K

Hi G ~<p>Glad you came back. Sounds like your husband is really hurting - and doing alot of damage to both of you in the process.<p>What are you doing for yourself while he is gone? Are you in counseling? Are you on medication? (you should seriously consider antidepressants).<p>If you went to confession...I am going to assume you are Catholic, and I am going to talk to you as one Catholic to another.<p>God is a God of Love and Mercy, right? By going to confession, you have asked for and been given God's forgiveness...right?<p>So if GOD is willing to see you AS YOU ARE and still love you AND forgive you...then perhaps some of your thinking is more than a little out of whack.<p>Are you smarter, wiser or better than God? With this self loathing and self abuse, you are saying to God that He is WRONG, that he doesn't know you, that He is wrong to offer you forgiveness and basically that you know better!<p>Are you so powerful that you could do something that even GOD couldn't forgive?<p>If you have gone to confession, then you are back in a state of grace, which means you are in the presence of the Holy Spirit - a temple - and if God thinks you are good enough, who are you to say differently?<p>As a temple of the Holy Spirit, made in the image and likeness of God - you show God disrespect by not loving and respecting yourself....<p>Anyway, enough of that. Self-esteem is gained by doing esteemable things. Perhaps you should look around you for something to do that will keep you busy while your husband is out of the country.