H cannot believe I betrayed him. H said I went behind his back and told his parents something that will change his relationship with them forever.<p>H has repeatedly told me that it is OVER. He wants no part of a loveless marriage. And now, he's really SURE. I have done something to him that he can never forgive.<p>H tells me I'm now on my own. There is NO hope. H tells me I have no idea what I'm in for...<p>I just need your help.

Terri,
There's nothing quite like a bully who's had his true colors revealed, is there?<p>Think for just one minute..the relationship with his parents is his responsibility...his business. I'm willing to bet they are under very few illusions about what he is capable of..they raised him.<p>OK, worst case scenerio..the marriage is over..look at you..you have grown, you are strong, loving and capable. You have already weathered the worst he can throw at you and not only did you survive..you have grown and flourished.<p>Bullies bluster, storm and blame...he's doing a good job of living up to his rep. You stay cool, avoid him, and if confrontation does occur keep your calm. If you are worried about abuse, put a plan into place now with neighbors and family.<p>You can do it.
T

Terri<p>Your H is so "textbook". I don't want to minimize your pain though, I know you are grieving. <p>He can't believe you betrayed him???!!!!!!<p>Whats wrong with this picture?????!!!!!!!<p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You went behind his back???!!!!!!<p>Whats wrong with this picture?????!!!!!!!<p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
You did something that would change his life forever???!!!!!!<p>Whats wrong with this picture?????!!!!!!!<p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
And now, he's really SURE....your on your own. There is NO hope. You have no idea what your in for... ?????!!!!!!!<p>as if to imply you had a chance to have him back if you would enable him longer????!!!!<p>You have no idea what your in for... ?????!!!!!!!<p>i think you know full well all along what your in for, this changes NOTHING!!!!<p>You have done something to him that he can never forgive.???!!!!!!<p>Whats wrong with this picture?????!!!!!!!<p> [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>GIVE ME A BREAK!!! Its called the blame game. Do not play with him. do not respond. do not even discuss. Just please know in your heart, you didn't do anything wrong...his actions did.

How can I top what ILuv said??? Other than DITTO and BRAVO!!!<p>He's messed up. He should be pointing the finger at himself.<p>Now I'd tell his parents that he's threatening you. Tell them that you're afraid of him. (Why not? they have a role in exposing you...why not ask for their protection??)<p>And consider a restaining order.<p>He's angry and he's venting -- unfortunatly you're the one in his path. Get out of the way!!!<p>His anger does not belong at your doorstep. <p>(What are your Plan B thoughts T?)

Hi T,<p>Ok, now we have to tuffen you up again. <p>1. U went behind his back? He doesn't want you by his side, he doesn't want you up in front . You;ve already been held beneath him (during his abusive outbursts). So what's left? <p>Hmmnm...... on top of him? well maybe later.... <p>Ok, the behind his back. Tell him that is the only choice he left you. <p>2. As for his 'it's soooo over' whining, tell him yes it is. As long as he is being a jerk, it is over. Tell him you don't want to be married to a jerk. The nice man that married you sure but this jerk of a shell of the man you married? NO. <p>3. Terri, this is the time when I asked the WS to go and find my real H so that I could give him a hug , a kiss, tell him I love him and miss him, then if my real H still wanted to leave his loving family, then I would tell him (my real H) good bye. Then send him on his way. U have given him a mission now. A very confusing fog mission. But his mission none the less. This one's gotta be done in person, short and sweet. You can legitimately shed a tear or two. Use up a whole box of kleenex but then remember to just walk away. <p>I told my H that right by our front door when he was leaving. He told me that he wanted to find the real H also. <p>Think about that tactic. <p>hugz,
L.<p>[ June 21, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

He'll get over it..I went through that with my husband the first time we separated and he reacted the same way...but I told him, so what, he hurt me...he told me not to call his family anymore...I told him his family calls me and I will talk to whom I like and when I please...If he don't think he did anything wrong, he wouldn't have a problem with you telling his parents...right..another thing it shows he is confused..because it shouldn't matter if he feels the marriage is over..Right?

Are you at home?<p>How did you find out that he knew?
Phone call?
In person?<p>Are you ok?

Terrified:<p>Typical fog-latin. IF you folks reconcile, he'll hate himself for what he said to you (assuming he remembers anything after he gets his own brain back from those little silver guys in the saucer).<p>Why WSs blame BSs for being honest about their bad behavior is beyond me.<p>Please take care of yourself, though. Know that there are a lot of truly fine people here that care about you!

Terri,
A couple weeks ago you posted you were fearing for your life...<p>When the heck has he been OFF the warpath as you are concerned?<p>He's been wretched for quite some time with gimmers of not-as-horrid-as usual.<p>He can't harm you physically--you can have him arrested, a restraining order. If you haven't been documenting his threats, check your threads, it's all documented here by date as you've shared it with us.<p>He's already harmed you emotionally and threatened you probably as much as he is capable of. He's always said he'd tell people you were crap, he's the crappy one and I'm sure it shows, no matter what he says.<p>Too bad he's facing the natural consequences of his actions and his mom knows. OH WELL!!!<p>You told him not long ago you didn't want him back...now he tells you it is so over? <p>I have to agree that nothing has changed in his attitude, his actions, he's still hurting you, he's still threatening you. It isn't new, it's the same same same.<p>No matter what happens, you telling his parents WOULD NOT be the reason your marriage ends. It doesn't matter how he twist your heart...he's the reason.<p>Take care of you and your daughter. Don't buy into any blame.

Terri,
One more thought, your H has thought it fine to tell friends, relatives he's been unhappy with you for years, you were a terrible wife (he doesn't back that up with real facts, just emotion & a couple button-pushing events, right)...why is that ok in his world and you telling his parents he had an A--a fact--is not?<p>Isn't that a bit inconsistant on his part? If you based your actions on his, you should have told long ago.

Terri,<p>That is a typical response from a WS like your H and mine.<p>I heard the same type of crap...let him sling it...it can't land on you unless you let it.<p>Of course none of this is his fault...what a joke....hang in there and DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING he says!!!! Pat

You told his parents the TRUTH. You didn't lie. His argument is with the TRUTH, not you.

typical... I called my inlaws a week or so ago and that started a MAJOR WAR>.. war war 21 or so around here.... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Any truth I have... is fought and denied by all adulterers... my h and his adulterous H included.. they botrh hate me now... I see the pattern... too bad they are losing their families. <p>It is heartbreaking, I know. I am off anti ds and so my feelings come more truly... and it hurts... (althought I kind of like feeling a bit more realistically nowacdays... )<p>He is so much like my h... whenever I dont play pretend.. and reveal anything, I mean ANYTHING... to anyone... H goes nuts... I knew it was coming T... I bet you suspected he would freak, right?<p>I would stay away from the relatives, etc for a while... although all in all I think it is good for the truth to be OUT>... ! GOod for you, tired of him bashing you....<p>I hate to hear your h's meanness... he is so full of self hate.. he cant help but put it on you. He could never b e so bad, right ? It must be your fault, right?<p>Dont even take it... hang up, close the door, etc... try not to lb... OK? I know it is hard in this situation.. but distance DISTANXCWE>>. distance.> DISTANCE... may be the answer... <p>HUGS a million,
Honey [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Hello Terrified,<p>Don't be scared or ashamed about you've said to his family. They will be there for him regardless of the outcome, and more then likely they will be there for you also.<p>When my W told me of the A the first person I called was her mother. I also told my children.<p>In the last two months my Mother-in-law has not spoken to me and will not return my voice mails. She is going to stand behind her daughter 150% as she told me. Although, Her daughter(my W)is telling her, and anyone else that will listen that she is not having an affair.<p>As the time has passed the people around her are starting to pick up on all the lies she is leaving in her wake.<p>She (W) is slowly breaking down all the walls of trust with the people that love her. Reality will kick in at some point, and then she's going to have to pay-the-piper.<p>I'll wait until then just like you should. Don't fret...all will be good for you again. I promise.<p>Regards,
N61

Hi terrified,
I've been following your story and just wanted to say. I don't think you did anything wrong. Your H is mad, yes, he's mad at himself. He feels shame and he is embarrassed. Not for you, NO!! He is ashamed about himself and doesn't know how to react. He doesn't know how to take over responsibility and he doesn't know how to explain what he has done. (there isn't a logical explanation for the things he has done) This really makes himself feel bad and embarrassed. <p>And the only thing that seems to make him feel good is to find someone "guilty" and push his guilt away. And he's trying to make you feel guilty!!!
Don't take that!!!!!!! He is behaving like a 3 year old, stomping and screaching and he's trying to make you responsible for what he did. (I think he is so ashamed and disgusted with himself, he can't believe it himself!!!)
You didn't do anything wrong, so keep your head up high. You only told what is true and the rest is up to him. <p>I'm feeling with you.<p>hugs
BB<p>[ June 22, 2002: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</p>

I can really feel for you. It is so easy for your H to take it out on you because he cannot admit to his own sins. He is trying to find any reason he can to justify his horrible bad choices.<p>If you feel by what you did was wrong, then apologize to your H, and then let it go, that is all you can do. I wouldn't confide in his family as they will be on his side no matter what they might tell you.<p>My in-laws never accepted me during the M but now they send me letters saying they are praying for me and try to give me advice. I don't totally trust them. When I write to them, I try not to put their son down but focus on how I am managing in my life with my kids. Try not to say anything negative to your inlaws if you can about you H even if it is the truth, because I am sure deep down it hurts them and they must feel like a failure as parents and it could hurt future relationships if your M is ever reconciled.<p>My H makes a lot of empty threats when he is angry, wait for the heat to cool down before you panic. You will see.

Terri,
Again, you did the right thing. Particularily when he tells everyone his spins & justifications and all. But you have to do what is right for "you" & I would agree that it is toally unfair for you to have to keep up "his" lies to his parents. They are his parents, but you are connected to them, indefinately through your D & for your D's benefit, you owe it to her to have some honesty in the relationship with your Inlaws -- Otherwise, it is like you are a doormat & it reinforces you as a victim and as an abused person "Co-Dependent." I believe it is important for your own self image and that is what is important for you D! Not that she needs to know any details of how her Dad betrayed you (and her in a sense!) at this point in time, but I don't believe it is healthy to be living in lies & "you" end up being deceptive -- I believe young children do not know how to figure all of this out, but I can't help but think they can develope a false sense of what are healthy interpersonal realtionship skills.
This reminds me of when in my case when I had sent my DW back home (to Indiana), and after two weeks of so I decided to tell my mom. What was I to say when she called & asked how things were going and then eventually I would have to tell her & then explain, well this happened months ago -- what does that say about my relationship with my family?!! This was devasting to my DW -- she broke down and it forced her to face some reality of the whole thing that she did! She had hoped her & I could patch things, enough at least for her to move back (perhaps continue with lies!) Lies are not good for relationship -- DAAA! -- it was very embarrassing to her -- she tried to make me feel guilty & she said that her cousin's( whom my DW's parents raised from age 13) XH said that he had too much respect for his W (her cousin) than to tell his parents of her betrayal -"A." It just occurred to me that he was being a good "Co-Dependent" - which I am beginning to see is a family trait, to control & focus on "self" -- I had been reading the Dobson book and was able to articulate very clearly that what she did to me me was the most dis-respectful thing a person could do to another -- "So don't talk to me about dis-respectful actions!" I just realized, for her to dictate to me how I interact with my family takes some nerve, huh. "Secrets" by all definitions of healthy family reationships, I don't think they are appropiate! --
He is dictating to you moralisitc values kinds of things, like "honesty" -- I don't think so!! Common thing though with WS!!
I agree, that the Inlaws could be very problematic. We are not counselors here, but with a lot of reading and some common sense, it is easy to understand that we get a lot of our emotional, charactor issues, value & belief systems from our upbring - our parents. Now our parents got their's from their parents and so on. So, I don't want to cast dispursions on "Parents" as mean or bad people for how they raised their kids -- our S's, but again it is a reality we have to consider to explain why a person is who they are & why they do certain things and treat other people. As adults we have to accept resonsibility for our own action & can't blame everything on our parents of course. But this family of orgin can explain a lot about how we are of course, as a point of reference at least. So, without any malicious intent, your inlaws may have (unknowingly) passed on certain family traits (as we all have!) that are not necessarily healthy and could very well be a big contributor to the way you H acts. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Again, be very careful -- they could adopt a posture of "protecting" their son and join him with these false justifications! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We know he is a bully -- Like Twyla said so well -- you are a much stronger person & it is important that you not shoulder the blame here!!!
I believe it is imperative for our recovery that we deal with reality & lies and secrets do no help in any way! Again, you may inadvertently be teaching your D to be this way by continuing with deception -- You are not that kind of person & you H has no right to try and make you that way!!
Peace be with you!
HH<p>[ June 22, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

PS --
Do you have a voice activated tape recorder for your entry way or whereever he normally entersthe house? And a tape recording device for your phone lines? I believe, just to be prudent, you should consider these things for your home & phone, so as to capture some of his rage -- The phone line thing is amazingly simple! I believe it would be helpful to develop some evidence for restraining order! And visitation custody rights! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Hang in there!
HH

How was the weekend?<p>Now ONE Assignment for the week:<p>Do more nice things for you. Do more nice things for D. Dont worry about H.<p>OK 3. Have a good week T!
Okey dokey!<p>HOney [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Hello everyone,<p>Thank-you for all your replies. I have read and re-read each of them. Finding that they are what also helps to sustain me during during this "challenging" period in my life. <p>I did receive some questions that I'd like to answer. Lex, my SIL called my H to tell him that he has to speak to his parents directly. She told him she found out from me because she thought things were out in the open about sources. <p>We had several "social events" this weekend. Two "kid" birthday parties with long standing friends, neither of which my H attended. Said he couldn't face them or be in the same room with me. Thought it would give me too much hope for something that will never happen.<p>The other was a surprise 40th b-day with many of our friends. There wer 60 people invited for an outdoor party. I had a few anxiety attacks about going by myself to an event like that but I managed to muster up the courage to attend. I've known this girl for almost 25 years. She's one of my dearest friends and I would have regretted staying home. H stayed home with D. I cried only once and that was when my friend approached me to tell me that she was so touched I showed up knowing how hard it was. <p>Sadly enough, I missed H terribly. He used to loved parties like this one. <p>Oh well...<p>I challenged him a bit this weekend, LB'd a little...just hard.<p>Received two invitations to weddings addressed just to me and "guest". It's been a long time since that has happened.<p>I hope all of you have survived your own "weekends". <p>Thank-you for your support.