I have had two affairs, not sexual, maybe I could say they were sensual. I'll be honest, I needed the attention. H travels alot and is always tired when he gets home. He has no lack of sex-drive. I just don't like to have sex when there is no affection, attention, cuddling, etc. I love the affection I have felt from the other 2 men. They have said nice things, been affectionate, and were always willing to listen. I don't want to lose my marriage but it seems that I shouldn't drag my H through this. I hate myself more and more for the things I've done. My biggest fear is that I'll be alone forever. If this seems a little scattered, I'm sorry. I'm just at my wits end and don't know what to do. Help?<BR>londonite

Breifly,<BR>I did the same thing and felt the same way. You need to tell your H how you feel and what you did. If you don't, he will never wake the heck up! I told my H when I was lonely and how awful that felt, but he didn't wake up and so I had an affair to end the pain and lonliness. My H didn't wake up until I told him EXACTLY how bad it was and how close he was to losing me (see profile - all the way to the end of the whole darn long thing). You absolutely must tell your H how you feel. Oh, and do it before you do something as painful as I did.<BR>FC

Londonite -<P>I'm sorry that you're so distraught and confused. Take a deep breath....OK, maybe a couple!!!!!<P>Let's take a look at the situation...<P>Your H travels alot. You are not working outside the home and have a 3 year old to take care of.<P>That's all I know from what you've said and your profile.<P>I am only guessing here but, sounds like you are going out - at least to where you are meeting these men. Where is that, exactly?<P>There's a few things you have to do.<P>1) TALK to H!!! This should have been handled the first time and you both obviously didn't accomplish that. I don't know your H so I don't know his thinking on things. Don't you think that he gets down with not getting attention and cuddling when he's away? Would you want him to do it to you?<P>When he comes home he's tired at first - of course he is. Traveling in and of itself is very exhausting. And you have been dealing with the house and the baby and all of that responsibility and are lonely too boot!!!<P>There's two frustrated people who greet each other when he walks through that door. You are wanting him to show love and affection and just how much he loves and missed you and he is tired and thankful to be home with his loving family and feel the warmth and ease that comes when you think of "home".<P>You both need to realize the others point of view. What did you two do differently since the 1st incident you had?<P>Can a job change occur with your H? Can you do something fulfilling for yourself above and beyond your homelife. How about volunteering or something. I don't know!! Anything that would help to fill the void you feel at times.<P>Going out and putting yourself in the position to meet these guys is not very smart when you get to feeling lonely and neglected. All you're doing is dangling a carrot in front of your own face.<P>To fix the problem and become happier you and H have to come up with a plan and an understanding of each other's perspective.<P>Can you both do the questionnaires on this site and start implementing some of the tools described by Dr Harley.<P>You have to both put work into concentrating on the marriage and putting each other first by respecting needs and feelings.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Hello Iondonite and welcome aboard...<P>Well, I understand what you're saying because I said the same to my H when I admitted affair I had. My H is a workaholic and is basically gone from 7am until 11:30 pm. I usually only see him on weekends, unless he wakes me up when he comes home, and then I'm not too happy either because I'm tired! I told him that I found a way to get his attention. Know what I figured out? That's the cruelest way to get attention. I'm not trying to judge you AT ALL, honestly I felt the same way.<P>I was also afraid to be alone. So was my H. So was the OM. In fact, that's why the OM couldn't leave his SO. He didn't want to live alone and I wouldn't let him move right in with me and my children. So, the fact that he was afraid to be alone saved my marriage. Otherwise, I might well have been living with OM!!<P>I agree with fc, tell your husband. It's the right thing to do, and it will open communication for you two.<P>Best wishes as you continue this difficult journey...