Another member suggested I post on this site also. My first visit to MB was last May, when I suspected that my husband was having an affair. After two months, I wasn't able to budge a confession out of him. I suspected that it was a nurse at his office, so when I confronted him with my suspicions she suddenly quit and her name was never mentioned again. I thought it was all in my mind, so I dropped it.<p>Last Friday, I got an anonymous call from a woman who said that my husband had been seen at an apartment with another woman on multiple occasions. When I confronted my husband (he came home as the phone call was playing out), he confessed to everything. It was the nurse I suspected, and it has been going on for two years. To say the least, I am shocked, but let's face it I knew all along.<p>My husband is so relieved that I know. He wants to stay with me, and he ended the affair on the spot. The OW is very angry with him, I think she loves him. So far (it's only been a week), she has showed up at the hospital that they both work with chest pain, wanting him to worry about her I guess. I think she is going to make this hard for him.<p>I haven't been angry, just very loving and understanding. He has answered every question that I have asked, and tells me every time he has to talk to her. I have no idea how they will be able to work together (it's only one day every other week), but my husband can't leave his practice.<p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Tere38 - <p>I posted on you thread in JFO, but I'm glad you also posted here. The forum is a little dead but I'm sure some other people will jump in.<p>Cheers

Wow! If only we'd go with our initial instinct that something "smells fishy", it'd make our lives a bit easier, so to speak. At least we'd be able to deal with the "problem" early on rather than have it grow into a full-fledged catastrophe. Yet, it is sometimes easier on the soul not to recognize the obvious. Perhaps the heart cannot deal with the pain during discovery and hides the situation beneath the folds of reality to "get to" another day...a better day where we are stronger and more apt to not be ruled by our emotions. <p>If it give you any comfort, I, too, looked the other way when I suspected continued contact between my WH and his OW. It wasn't until years later when my H hit rock bottom did he disclose his secret life. Yet, it really wasn't all that secret for I knew, in my heart, that he was being unfaithful. I thank God that he told me the truth because this is when our relationship started to heal. And, we are still in the process of recovery.<p>All in all, I truly believe that it took this major crisis of discovery to open the door to recovery for you and your hubby. I wish you and your husband well during your renewed relationship and journey in recovery.

Thanks for the wonderful reply to my thread, it helps to know that I am not alone in this suffering. I have never felt so physically ill in my life, this is very painful. It's the first thing that hits me in the morning, kind of like a death I suppose. I think I am most grateful to this site for the compassion that I am receiving.<p>I hate Mondays and Fridays most because that is when he is most likely to run into her and she has already proven to be very sneaky in trying to stir up feelings with my husband. I guess there is no way to make her leave him alone, but she has a husband and family involved also so it angers me that she is still trying to keep this affair alive. How do you deal with a persistant OW (or OM) until withdrawal is over?

Tere,<p>If she is married, does her H know about this affair? If he doesn't I would strongly consider telling him for 2 reasons. A) it would be the right and moral thing to do for his best interest and B) it would help in ending her pursuit of your H.<p>If the lid were blown off this affair, he could assist from his end in ending it, just as your discovery has ended your H's participation.

Hi, Melody, thanks for replying. No, he doesn't know about the affair that I am aware of. I don't know him, I don't even know her last name. I do know that he is a psychologist and that they have one teenage child. Since I am not sure who actually called me (our number is unlisted), I thought maybe the same person would call him. OW told my husband they were out of town last weekend and he didn't elude to knowing and there wasn't anything unusual on their caller ID when they returned.<p>I don't know how I would be able to tell him. They live an hour away and I don't visit the city where they live. I have considered threatening her with revealing this to her family if she did not leave us alone. By the way, she has never spoken to me and is not calling me now. She is playing a mind game with my husband presently, but could that just be withdrawal coming through? I really feel sorry for her.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't have any wise words of wisdom for you. <p>It would be ideal if she would quit and work at a different hospital. One your H does not practice at. Since Nurses are in high demand these days, she would not have any difficulty finding a job. <p>Good luck to you.

Since this hospital is in her hometown and is the only hospital close to where she lives, I don't think she will quit. If it becomes too painful for her, he evidently hurt her feelings when she called him last week, maybe she will find someplace else to work. He told her that he was sorry, but it was over, goodluck and goodbye. I think she expected more after two years, so she wrote him a very angry 'How dare you letter' which he read, then destroyed. I expect more retaliation, but I don't know what she is capable of.<p>Well, that was way off our subject, thank you very much for your insight. I hope there is an easy solution to this no contact issue, but I suspect she is going to make this as difficult as she possibly can.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tere38:
<strong>Hi, Melody, thanks for replying. No, he doesn't know about the affair that I am aware of. I don't know him, I don't even know her last name. I do know that he is a psychologist and that they have one teenage child. Since I am not sure who actually called me (our number is unlisted), I thought maybe the same person would call him. OW told my husband they were out of town last weekend and he didn't elude to knowing and there wasn't anything unusual on their caller ID when they returned.<p>I don't know how I would be able to tell him. They live an hour away and I don't visit the city where they live. I have considered threatening her with revealing this to her family if she did not leave us alone. By the way, she has never spoken to me and is not calling me now. She is playing a mind game with my husband presently, but could that just be withdrawal coming through? I really feel sorry for her.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Perhaps since your H is sorry about this, and wants to end it and work on your M, you may find her husband through him?

Well, I'm sure that my husband knows enough about her to locate her husband, but I don't know if he would help me (considering that would get my H into even BIGGER trouble!!!) I am a southern girl, raised with southern values, and this is simply not a 'ladylike' thing to do, so you can see where I am having a problem with this. My sister, on the other hand, has been chomping at the bit to find him and tell him!!<p>I want to protect my husband any further embarrassment, and facing her husband would be so hard for him. Maybe I can convince him that we should tell her husband together, somehow.

Your H will probably not want to tell her H. Because if her H dumps her, the problem is in your H's lap. He has to live with the guilt. Perhaps start off by making it clear to OW that you will contact her H if she continues to contact your husband.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tere38:
<strong><p>I want to protect my husband any further embarrassment, and facing her husband would be so hard for him. Maybe I can convince him that we should tell her husband together, somehow.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Tere,<p>I doubt that your H would want to have anything to do with telling her husband and I wouldn't expect such a thing from him. I also seriously doubt that he is concerned in the least about the best interest of the OWH. This is something you would need to do on your own. <p>However, I think that the OWH needs to know this. He has a right to know what is going on, that his spouse is destroying him behind his back. If I know that a bookkeeper is embezzling money from Mr Joe Blow, I feel a moral obligation to tell Mr. Blow that he is being harmed. My disclosure will also put a quick stop to the embezzlement. <p>I think that telling Mr. OWH might help in putting a stop to her pursuit and alert him to information that is being wrongfully withheld from him. I only wish that someone had had the decency to alert me to my WS' affair. Aren't you glad that someone was kind enough to alert you?

I sort of fell off the earth for 24 hours, but I'm back and so grateful for the advice that was left for me in my absence. My H had to work at the same hospital as the OW on Monday, and it was not a good situation. She pretty much caught him off guard and threw herself at him (in a raincoat and underwear!). She told him that she planned to 'fight dirty' to keep their relationship going. He just looked at her, pretty much told her she was fighting dirty, then opened the door to the room she cornered him in. <p>I was so relieved that he was able to tell me about this, he was very upset with how I would handle it. I didn't get upset, but I told him that we had to work on the 'No Contact' letter this week, and that I will tell her husband if she continues this behavior. My H actually wishes that he knew, can you believe that?<p>We had a mini-counseling session with our pastors on Monday evening, and they are very open to using 'Marriage Builders' in our recovery.

Tere38 - <p>I feel like playing hide and seek today so I'll respond to you message on the other thread over here. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>First, the fact that he told you about this crazy situation is very positive. If he still harboured intense feelings for the OW he would not have been so open about this. Second, your reaction was fantastic. I know it is difficult to not get upset and crazy about this sort of thing, but you did good. Try to focus on the fact that it appears your H is making an effort. If you can keep this perspective it will make it easier not to LB. Even if he makes a mistake, you can be the strong one and create an atmosphere where he knows you will support him and are there for him. <p>Things also sound realy positive about the counseling. I'm glad they are willing to work in the MB concepts.<p>I think the "no contact" letter will be a good step since your H now recognizes the need to get the OW out of his life. Hopefully you can get this done before too long (but don't push too hard, it has to be from your H).

I am having a difficult time getting back to the computer during the day. Our children are here this week (we have every other week custody) and add their friends to the mix and it is adolescent chaos!! Thanks for responding, I appreciate the advice.<p>Well, she called him yesterday and I didn't think she would have the nerve after he refused her on Monday. She just wanted to 'chit-chat' about happenings and to see if he was 'alright'. He told her he was fine and left it at that. It wouldn't do any good to change his pager number because she works in one of the ERs that he practices in and his number is always posted.<p>I am encouraging the No Contact letter to be written this week. We will have to add stipulations because they have to occasionally work together and there is no way around it. We think that the letter needs to be from him alone so that she cannot think that I forced him to send it. We will add that if she does not comply with our requests that WE will inform her husband (my husband agrees that he has a right to know if she won't accept this).

Glad to see you are hanging in there. I also find it hard to get on-line with the my responsibilities taking care of the little one.<p>One quick suggestion about the no-contact letter. Your H should make it look professional with addresses and all. Either at the top if it is in memo from or at the bottom if in letter format he could cc: your name. This would let OW know that he is writing it himself but that he has shared it with you. Just a idea that I have seen others do.<p>As for making the threat of telling OW's H in the letter, I'm not so sure I would make the direct threat. IMHO this could be dangerous and open up a claim of harrassment. Probably best to just go with something close to what is suggested in SAA or on the MB site. If she continues contact against your H's wishes he could then tell her she is harrassing him. I think it is always better to aviod threats. Also, since you do not know OW's H can you be sure of his reaction (it may realy be playing with fire).<p>If you are unsure I would suggest you post a draft of the no-contact letter (with the part about OW's H) as a new thread and get some feedback from others.<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: onwardandup ]</p>

Thanks for the advice. H and I discussed this in full this afternoon and decided that I would be better off staying completely away from OW. I wasn't entirely comfortable with confronting her (I've only met her once). I also do not intend to threaten or tell her husband, as I have a feeling he will find out anyway. That's protecting my husband, in my opinion.<p>Talk to you tomorrow. Take care.

I have spoken to many people about my hs long secret a but the person who has helped me the most is her h. I searched him out and have had long conversations with him on 2 occasions.Although he is divorced and has no influence over her actions he gave me some very important insights into her motivations.She presents as a very sincere and caring person but in reality as far as he is concerned the converse is actually the truth.

She is also a southerner like yourself.My h was completely captivated by her charms. I would appreciate it if you could give me a profile of a well brought up southern girl who takes pleasure in seducing a married man 15 years older than herself and maintaining that secret affair for a long time.

As far as the gut feelings are concerned I had quite a few of those over the years but the penny never dropped. I was angry with myself for not putting 2&2 together until I saw a programme about concentration camps.A woman who had lived opposite a camp and had seen what was happening every day said that she never suspected what was going on because her brain was not programmed to accept that such things could happen.
In my mind a,s happened to other people the possibility did not exist that one could happen to me.

<small>[ June 29, 2002, 12:25 AM: Message edited by: H2O ]</small>