My husband had a five month EA and PA. I found out when OW sent me an email and we have been trying to rebuild for the sake of our young child since May. However, I just found out that OW got a job opportunity to start working with him and gave him the chance to tell her not to do it, which he didn't do. He says guilt for what he did to her is a factor. He's known this for three weeks now and just told me. I don't know what to do. I'm going crazy at the thought that they'll spend everyday together and what might happen again. He promises me over and over that nothing will happen, that neither of them have any interest in continuing, but why didn't he tell her not to take the job? And what can I do to alleviate my paranoia? Should I contact her to make sure that she has no interest in him? Every time that he comes home late, I'll only be thinking that he's with her. Everytime the office goes out for drinks, who knows what will happen? I don't know how to continue to rebuild trust when this has happened to us. Help.

You are not paranoid...I'd be frantic if I were in your shoes. You have every reasonable expectation that there will be no more contact between the two of them. Your H is not being honest and forthcominig with you! Guilt is a factor in not telling her NO! What about the things he did to you and your marriage?!?! The marriage is the first priority not his guilt over his treatment of her! Are you two in MC?? it helps! I think the first order of action is to find a to make sure H and OW have NO MORE CONTACT!!! If that is just not possible then the contact should be very, very limited!<p>[ June 22, 2002: Message edited by: mgm ]</p>

Believe me, when I found out, the first thing I wanted him to do was quit, but that isn't an option since he has a partner with a family. And he didn't tell me about the situation until she had already signed her contract which can't be broken. As far as the contact being limited, the office is very small, so I don't see how I can expect that. If he had only told me when she told him about the possibility three weeks ago... we should have talked this over before it was a done deal. Especially since she gave him an out!!! I can't understand why he didn't do that. I have to expect that this means he isn't out of the fog yet. What does that mean about my journey. Do I just keep going... or is this a sign for the worse?

I think I'd have to agree that the fog is pretty thick around him!! He is still considering her feelings (and his own) before yours. He didn't consult you sooner because he knew you'd say no and he wanted her near! I really think MC could help. It will be harder for both of you to reconsile with her so close. If he truly want s to reconcile then he needs to be open about his time...how and where he spends it. I think it his actions mean that you need expect the worst and hope for the best. If I've learned anything from my FWH PA it's that actions speak louder than words...your WH actions are screaming at you. I've also learned to trust my 'gut instincts'. I can't offer any specific details because I don't know your whole story. My advice is watch your back. Take care of yourself and your child.

Hi Hannah,<p>Welcome to MB. Since this is newly made situation and it sounds like you are feeling frustrated, howz about letting your H know that you need reassurance. <p>The MB book: His need/her needs may be helpful. Please take a loot at the basic concepts section which outlines some of the books available. Even though you are in recovery, reading the book survivng an affair may be helpful for your H (though some H's are not prone to reading these types of books) <p>If you can get with a counselor they may have some suggestions to help him restore your trust in him again. This is a hard thing and didn't have to happen but it did so use the tools here to strengthen yourself and let your H participate in that also. <p>Rebuilding trust takes a long time. Don't carry this burden alone. <p>take care,
L.