tbo:<p>I've often said, in jest: "It used to be 'what are friends for?' Now it's just 'what are friends?'"<p>This OW is NOT a friend, period. Don't think of her that way any longer. Get her out of your life, out of your thoughts, and keep her there.<p>" If he comes for me, I'll tell him to prove to me that he loves me, and the first way will be to make him move up there with me. He already told me once that he could get a job transfer up there no problem. "<p>WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!! The first thing he should do is END HIS A with your former "friend" and PROVE TO YOU that he has done so. He can't do that quickly. He needs to get over his A on his own. You should not put up with it for another minute! If he were to promise to love you and moved in with you right away, he'd still have this draw to his OW, and he'd be going back and forth, jerking your emotions back and forth with him, every damned time. <p>Work on YOU. Plan B. NO CONTACT with WH. None. Nada. Zippo. Not until he's had time to pull his head out of his nether regions and stop treating you like this. I agree with your C, don't tell him you're moving.<p>Take care of yourself. You DON'T DESERVE this assinine treatment.

God, this is so awful! You say your boss had noticed a change in you too. You were doing so well before he came back for 1 day! I was too, as told my all my friends & acquantances. Then H came back but has not given any effort to working on marriage and I suspected a lie again after 5 months & he was parked at her place. GGRRR. I am in limbo. They say to never make life altering decisions when in such emotional turmoil. SO I have tried not to do anything rash. I am sorry you resigned from your job. But I guess getting away & having your friends (female I hope!) support will be good. Dont bottle it up, cry & sleep a bit. Maybe you could sign up for whatever work you do with one of those placement agencies & take temporary assignments in a variety of employers for a while?<p>PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT TRUST OR CONTACT OW!! I knew the OW in my case. My H had encouraged us to be friends when I was clueless!! We talked at work & went to gym on weekends GRRR. She told me she would never jeopardize her marriage & assured me I had nothing to worry about - I found out she told her H to file before that day and was already getting it on with my H when they went to same town same hotel for work trips & kept it secret. AARRGH. She came between us and told him I said things & told me he said things & really screwed us over. Her brain is warped, TRUST ME. No matter what she tells you SHE ONLY HAS HER OWN INTERESTS AT HEART and is telling your H a bunch of bull about your conversations or maybe even letting him listen in on it to convince him how manipulative & crazy you are!! ITS A GAME with her to show H that she is better than you. SHe is probably freaking out that he came home to you that night. DO NOT CONTACT HER WHATSOEVER.<p>I would go back to your Plan B. You see your H now believes that no matter how he acts you will always take him back. ANd would likely fight with you about seeing you saying you are spying on him being crazy etc. Ill bet OW would tell him to get a restraining order against you. I would have told her go ahead and call police, the Bit@#. Fantasized about throwing a brick at her. DOnt you dare have any contact with her. She cannot be trusted.<p>Back to H. Dont contact him at all. I'll be he came back when he thought you were willing to be just fine without him and didnt need him anymore. At the last minute, like the last day I would make arrangemets to have someone else take the stuff to whereever he is at. Maybe have a someone else dump it at OW's work place in front of everyone (heh, heh, just kidding). After you have settled into the new place, maybe you could get H a note somehow saying you needed to get away, how he has hurt you and if he wants OW then he is welcome to her!! (even if you dont believe it - make him think so). Try to detatch as much as you can.<p>You say you were all friends at one time. Have you ever talked to OW's husband or is her her ex-husband? That might be enlightening!! But dont tell him anything about your current life that he could pass on, just past stuff you know about them together & her calling cops etc. The now ex-H of the OW in my case called me!!! I had thought about it so often, but stopped myself. Then he called me!! Exchanged tidbits of info and matched dates and boy did we ever fill in the puzzle pieces by talking to each other.!! He would have nothing to do with OW now, except they have son together. <p>Hibernate for a few days & let us know how its going! Please take care.

Well, I actually sleept last night, but woke up this morning with so much confusion and contradictions to what I did yesterday!<p>Talked to my friend last night and found out that first off my dog will have to stay outside. My dog is 10 years old and never been outside for a full day in her life. She is a bonafide spoiled brat house dog, I can't put her outside! She is my baby and she has been dealing with this hard too, she even tried to attack my H the first time he came over after we seperated. It put him in tears because she didn't remember him at first, this is our baby girl. My friend asked if I could let my parents keep her, I can't let her go, she is all I have left in this world to take care of.<p>Then, I really do like my own place. I find alot of peace and quite here and it's cozy, and it's mine! I don't want to give up my purple bathroom and my Asian bedroom. For the first time in my life I have something just for me, no car collections hanging all over the walls, no posters of H's car hanging up. My friends house is cluttered and I would have a tiny bedroom and no air conditioning. I love to go visit her, but I don't think I want to live up there. Plus I would be living with 3 other girls. What peace will I find there with a tiny house and 4 people and 3 dogs living in it?<p>I also want to send my H a letter saying goodbye. I just don't feel right leaving and not at least saying goodbye. Ok, a part of me is wanting to send that letter and hope he comes running over here begging me not to go, like he did when I started to move up there before. I can't just let him go yet, not after I saw what I saw last week that was so true and coming straight from his heart.<p>So, I'm going to do alot more thinking today. I've got my head screwed on a little better. I wish it wasn't raining so I could go up to the lake. At least my rent will be paid up until the end of July. Maybe I'll just go up there for a week and see what I want to do. I would still have enough reserve funds and time to get another job and stay here if I like.<p>Oh God, why can't this be just an easy decision?

tbo:<p>Well, whatever you decide to do, take care of YOU. Blow off your "friendship" with OW, and insist on no contact with your WH until he gets himself straightened out.<p>Take care,

Well, I wrote a letter to my H, it will follow and took his stuff over to his parents house. His mom and I talked and SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT HE CAME HERE LAST WEEK!!! I don't know what to think of this, she says he won't talk, that they try to get him to talk but he just says he doesn't want to talk to them. His mom said she is throwing up her hands at him too. She said they have begged him to get his own place and live by himself some and to get away from both of us for a while and figure out what he wants, but he won't do it. I stated that he is scared to death to be alone, and she was like why? I told her if I knew the answer to that I would know the answer to alot of things. I told her I was moving and pointed out the letter in the box of his stuff that he needed to read. She said I should just go ahead and sign the divorce papers and get everything all over with, and I told her how he refuses to give them to me. She was like what? I said yea, he got the divorce papers and when it came right down to it he couldn't give them to me, that's why he moved back in last week and said he wanted to spend the rest of forever with me and didn't want a divorce. I told her I spoke to Racquel yesterday, and she was like oh, just told her that we had agreed to both give him space. She was like well he brings her around here sometimes and I was like yea, I know she was here Monday night.<p>Ok, now for the letter I wrote to H. Sorry, I couldn't just go and not say nothing. Besides, I never did a plan B letter to him before because I couldn't do one that sounded right. This feels right:<p>Dear H,
There is no easy way to lead up to this, so I'll just go ahead and say goodbye. I am getting my stuff together to move. It is time for me to move on and get myself back together. What happened last week between the two of us was so beautiful and that is what I want for the rest of my life, but if you do not want that, then it is time for me to go on. This hurts so bad, but I cannot handle anymore of the lies. I love you, but do not love whats being done to me. Like you said Thursday night when you told me you would be right here and held your hand over my hear is true. You will always be there.
If you truly want to rebuild our marriage you will have to stand by your words you said last Wednesday. The affair will have to end and no contact made. I know it will hurt, you'll feel the same way I do right now, but I know with time the pain will ease and that is what I'm looking for. I just want the pain to stop, and if you decide on our marriage, know that I will be by your side every step of the way. I will hold you while you cry, because I know it hurts, and like you said last week we can get through anything together, that is why there is forgiveness.
So goodbye my love, you will always be close to me, if not physically, then spiritually. I will still kiss you every night before I fall asleep and say I love you, listen every night, you'll hear and feel me.
I know what is meant to be, but it's time again to make myself strong. I love you.
Goodbye and love forever and always,
W

Please be careful with your trust and your feelings. I am so sorry that you are going through this.....they are not to be trusted.....just let things go for a little bit and sit back and see what happens. <p>Be careful!<p>Max

Well, just got back from saying goodbye to my family. When will all the pain stop? I need to get to packing, but I don't have the energy to do so. I better tomorrow, I'm planning on leaving Friday!<p>No word yet from H, when I passed by there he wasn't even at home yet.<p>Yes, the move will be good, I won't have anymore nights of wondering where he is because he's not at home, because I won't know if he is or isn't. I hope this works, I still just want him back, my old husband, not the current alien possessed one, but the one I fell in love with 9 years ago. I figured up earlier that I've been with him for over a third of my life, that's a long time! The last words he said to me Friday night: he looked at me and said KNOW that I love you, I looked straight into his eyes and looked for a second and said I know, then he grabbed me and held me tight, kissed me and left. This keeps playing in my mind over and over today and I hope that wasn't the last time I ever hear those 3 words and receive a kiss from him.

H called me this morning, woke me up, so I wasn't all that together to really respond or talk, not that I could of gotten a word in edgewise, this is all he said, "I just read your letter, are you moving up to SC?" I replied with yea. A moment of silence, then he said,"Well, I wish you the best of luck, I will never hurt you again, Goodbye." and hung up, in essence a light slamming of the phone, I might of even heard a little shakiness in his voice there at the end.<p>My marriage is now in God's hands.

Hello TBO,
I am sorry your going through this again and my heart goes out to you. You have my sympathy and if you need any questions answered I am here to help. Just wanted to let you know I was still looking up your posts.

Well I'm moving today. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I have to be honest in saying that I just hope this helps bring my H back to me. Plan B full speed ahead....the longest he's been able to stay away from me through this is a week and a 1/2, now I won't be just 5 miles down the street!

I'll check back in once I'm settled.

TBO,
Good luck to you!!! Keep us posted!

LHM

TBO; you're doing the right thing. He'll be back is my prediction...