I am feeling very sad this morning. I woke up next to my beautiful wife and remembered that she is still a WW. I love her so much and I feel closer to her than ever (I am falling in love with her -- again). I guess this seems silly because part of the purpose of Plan A is let the BS lose a good portion of the "love bank" so that he can do a Plan B if necessary without considerable pain. This is not happening for me. I am growing to love her more and more each day. She is depositing love units in my love bank (unknowingly) by giving me attention and talking with me. I think I have dealt enough with the feelings she has for the OM that I believe the impact of the EA/PA is not as strong as a LB and hence more Love units are depositing then leaving. <p>The pain is very intense. Part of the pain comes from feeling more and more hope about our Marriage and then to see or know that she is seeing the OM and talking to the OM. I guess this sounds real pitiful, but I do not know how I can make it without her. It is also very stupid to think that she would not be seeing or talking to the OM because she has not decided to recomit to us. I opened the jewelry box this morning and her wedding rings were still there. I think I look at her hand about 10 times a day just hoping maybe that she will put them back on. This will be a sign to me that she wants to work all of this out.<p>She is still on the fence. I talked to WW this morning and was real depressed. She said that she was having a great day until now. I said that this is just how I am feeling. I do not think I did any major LB's other than making her depressed about the situation again. I do not do this very often, and I am not sure that I should. What do you think? Should I avoid talking about my feelings now about her when I am depressed? I can talk about my feelings without any demands or LB's.<p>I have been seeing some positive developments like her posting here, and I have been noticing that she is begining to take notice of me again. What I mean by that is she is showing some concern for my feelings and paying attention to me a little more.<p>WOW!! Right in the middle of this post she calls me back and emails me a message. She was worried about how I was feeling and wanted me to know that she loves me and she is "to make sense of all of this and am trying to put it in the right order." I asked her if she had hope for us. She said that she had more hope for us working than WW and OM working. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It is amazing how up and down my life is now. I am already feeling good enough to get some work done today. I replied to her email and told her that she made me feel better. I am still very hopeful, but it seems like the pain is always there, just in the background waiting for a trigger to bring it back.

Enjoy the good as I did this past weekend. She soon will realize that what she thought was so bad maybe wasn't. <p>My WH says the same thing. He wants to fix our M the right way. You have no choice but to trust believe her at this point. You cannot control her thoughta and feelings. Show her your good side but do not let her walk on you.<p>You are a great person. BELIEVE IT. She can join your ride to self betterment or not but you have the upper hand. I love my WH too but I love him enough to realize he deserves to be happy but not at my expense. With or without her you will survive.. Look how strong you have become. Pat yourself on the back. I think she likes what she sees [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Dreamland...I've been blue and triggered lately too...so I know what you mean. We're 7 months past my head flying out of my butt and I still get these spells. I start to panic about whether hubby and I can really do it, will it ever feel "normal" again, will this ever start to feel "natural" again (meaning everything isn't thought out 100X over and pre-planned according to this or that concept or book). UGH! We talked through the emotional needs questionaire last week and it really brought to light, for both of us, how much better our marriage really is!!! So why am I down?!?! Because it happens...triggers happen...it's still early...we've still got work to do...and it's a FULL MOON! (PMS might be a factor too...but maybe not for you?? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>One thing my previous counselor told me that really helped me through some rough times...was to ride it out. As much as it hurt and made me uncomfortable and irritable...it would pass. My HEAD knew it would pass and there would be more UP times to come. So no matter how uncomfortable I was...I did my best not to panic and make decisions based on how I was feeling right then.<p>You'll be ok!! You want me to sing a sappy song?<p>Theeeeeeee sun will come out...tooooomorrow...betchur bottom dollar that tooooomorrowwwww....they'll be suuuuuuuun. gag..sputter...spew<p>ahh, well...that's all you get for your quarter. If that didn't work..try chocolate. Always works for me [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Dream, <p>Somehow you have got to learn to be more positive. See how well Onward has done since he left off the ups and downs and has gotten himself on track. make a written plan A for what you will do and then start working it. Compare yourself to the plan daily, not to how W reacts to plan. <p>Your wife has more or less given you an outline of what to do on Onwards thread, you have it made ( so to speak. ) I believe she was saying " here I am, come get me back, and here is how to do it." You should be one of the happiest people on the site since then. But then, we all have down days. She is even willing to see when you are down and help you out of depression. What a chance you have. Go for it, up, up and away. Don't sit around and feel bad, there is work to be done. <p>Hope, will you sing to me too?
Just kidding. <p>Really Hope, yours will take time, are you up to it? <p>SS

RNROSCOE,<p>I do believe every word she says. I am actually surprised about this. She has been so very honest with me through this thing that I believe she is telling me the truth. Thanks for all the encouragement. I am a better person, and I am a much better husband.<p>I helped a friend build a deck on saturday this weekend. I brought over all my tools (nail gun, saws, etc. really fun guy stuff) and we had a blast. Worked straight from 10:00 to 7:00, had a few beers and ate some really thick prime rib. I even forgot about all of this mess for a while. Built a small cabinet (no trim yet) for my wifes office for her fax machine on Sunday (desk and other cabinets a work in progress of at least a year. Need to finish this up). I probably am just tired from all of the work.
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Hey Hope,<p>Why is it that for no apparent reason, we are triggered into being really depressed. My wife had a spring depression thing going on for around three years (except this year, she was already depressed). Every spring she would get depressed for no reason. I guess (for me) the trigger was the ring, more love in the Love Bank, and more hope dashed by OM visions.<p>I think that we do need to learn how to love each other. That is the reason for the emotional need questionare. To provoke inidividual thought on exactly what our needs are and how are spouses are to fill that need and to learn the same about our spouses. In the begining of our relationships, it was easy because the strong hormones helped us gloss over all of our needs. Our relationships were imature then, now they need to mature. Like any learning process, the first bit of trying is going to be clumsy and feel unatural. Eventually, I think we all will learn how to fill each other's needs without much effort, planning, or analyzing the he** out of it. It will become natural like it became natural for us to fill our kids needs. I remember it took me a very long time to learn how to care for our first baby ("T-man" as we call him now). Now all of this comes naturally.<p>LOL!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Good voice you have there. Puts images of Annie in my head. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks for the laugh, I needed that. I love chocolate, but unfortunately have none here at the office. Maybe I can find some peanut M&M's.<p>-------
still seeking,<p>Sorry to say that unfortunately you'all see the worst side of me here. I do see that I need to be more positive especially because of all the positive things going on. Sometimes, I just feel blue. I do not have a written Plan A because it changes frequently. For me, I am just becoming more differentiated and doing things for myself. For my WW, I am just trying Romance. I am doing the things that we did when we were dating (just not as frequently because of my boys.)<p>I think your right about her posts. I changed her posts from third person to first person just for insite. I have lots of ideas. Just need time to do them.

Dreamland - <p>It is OK to have bad days and get down from time to time. If you didn't you wouldn't be a member of the human race [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>On the other hand, remember what your WW posted. What do you want her to see when she looks at you or talks to you. She wants to see a happy Dreamland that it is fun to be around (I'm sure you want to be this person also).<p>SS is right, you need to think about what you can do keep yourself on track. You can choose to experience the roller-coaster with fear and a wrenched stomach or you can realize it for what it is and buckle your seatbelt for a long as the ride takes. I know this isn't easy but you are in control of your own emptions and can choose how you react to things. You did this when you choose to save your marriage and proceed with Plan A.

Sometimes during the separations/reconciliaions, I would make up my mind to simply enjoy the time I had with my H. For the moment I was with the man I love, I wouldn't put a dark cloud over that time. It was for me.<p>If I felt I needed to talk to him about our relationship, I'd set an appointment, like tonight at 7:30, or for lunch. Even setting a time limit, "I need to talk about this for 20 minutes, then I'll stop."

Onwardandup,<p>Is having a happy-go-lucky attitude A'enabeling (as I read in one of spacecase's post)? Not that I want to be depressed in front of her on purpose, but part of me feels that if she is not occassionally reminded of the pain I am feeling (this I have been keeping at bay and holding in) then she will not feel guilty for what she is doing and will give her a comfortable atmosphere in which she will ignore any thought or discussion about coming to a decision. She will think that I am O.K. with the current status quo on a heart basis and will not try to change.<p>I am not sure what to think about this one. I will try to feel good all the time and when I feel bad keep it to myself, but I do think that this may not be helping the situation.

Dream,<p>We all need some perspective from time to time, and you're doing OK. I glad to see you come here when it hits.
It helps me to hear from people in the same boat. I know I have to temper my reactions to my WS's actions from time to time. Take them with a sense of hope but don't let yourself open for more hurt. I know all too well how hard it is to look at the women you love with all your heart and then remember the hurt and pain she has caused you. She does sound sincere and it does should like she is understanding how much she has to lose. Keep your perspective through this, love her with all your heart, but keep a reality check in the back of your mind. Do the things you've been doing and remember you can only make her see the best you have to offer. If you do that I believe it will work out. You've helped me in the past, I hope I can return the favor.

SS, nope, no more singing...I think it's for the best for all mankind (with possible exception to the deaf). LOL! Yup, I'm up to it for the long haul. Just gets scary once in a while. I don't want to doubt myself and my marriage forever...but I also know that's UP TO ME!!<p>Dream, I TOTALLY rode out the panic/depression today and I'm ALLLLL BETTER! One thing I can say is that once you're really in full recovery...these moods get fewer and further in between and shorter. This one just kind of took me by surprise, but it's OVER and each time I ride it out I feel all the stronger and more empowered that I've actually CHANGED! I feel control over ME! WHOOOPEEE!! I actually was able to sort out why I was feeling the way I was and realized what triggered it all...and I was able to put it behind me again. AND...this just makes it all the better...HUBBY did some wonderful little things last night and today too. It really is the little things that make all the difference.<p>Hey, if you can't find M&M's just go for the chocolate chips. It's a PMS'ers last resort...but it works great [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I hope TOOOOMORROW TOOOOMORROW I LUV YA TOOOOMORRROW...will be better. Yikes...that just popped out [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] hee hee

Hope,<p>You make me laugh! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I was a little down this morning, but I pulled through it. Thanks for the pick me up. I needed it big time. I am glad you are feeling better too and that your Hubby is romancing you.<p>Some real big things happening (major drama), but I can not post until it is all over. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] This is going to be the big one. I hope we all pull through this one O.K. I am really worried about my wife. I hope she will be O.K.<p>Please say some prayers for all of us.

Dreamland,
Praying for ya both.
Odile

You'll be great! You're in this together! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dreamland - <p>Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you and Mrs. Dreamland. I hope everything is OK with both of you. Remember to be strong for both of you and the kids.<p>Cheers