My wife had a very emotional internet affair a year and a half ago. Although she broke it off after I discovered it, I know they still exchange jokes via email and chat occasionally via ICQ. After 9 months on intensive plan "A", my wife is still insistent on a seperation (so she can "meet other people"). I've learned the error of my ways (insufficient affection and communication, etc.) and made some radical changes in my life and my priorities. <P>Now for the question. Next week I'll be in the city on business where the OM lives. I hold no anger or anamocity towards him. Although I wish things had turned out differently, I don't blame him and actually recognize that if it wasn't for him, I'd still be focused on work and missing much of what life is all about. I would like to call him and ask him out for a drink or dinner - just to meet him, see what he's like and tell him how much he changed my life (in a positive way). I think my wife would be very apprenhensive if I told her, but I don't really see why - I've always introduced her to people I knew (both male and female). I figure "What have I got to loose?" There's no chance of her wanting to reconcile and I'll always wonder what this guy was really like in person. <P>Since I've changed my life and attitude (which has only strengthened her conviction to leave me), I'm sensitive to her feelings and don't want to engage in anything that would be considered "lovebusting" - BUT, even if I did it isn't going to make any difference in the outcome of our marriage, so why not? I don't get to this city often, and otherwise I'll always wonder. Anyone else been in my shoes, or have thoughts or comments? Should I call the OM to introduce myself? What's the worse that could happen?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<P><BR>

So your W had a "very emotional internet affair" and you "hold no anger or animosity towards" the OM? Either you're not being honest with yourself or you don't understand the gravity of this situation. Don't take an "very emotional internet affair" lightly. I'm telling you this from experience.<BR>To begin with, I can't imagine the OM agreeing to meet you. Period. In the unlikely even he does agree, I doubt you can have a civil conversation over some cold ones. While I can understand your need to see him, this man IS having an emotional affair with your W. If your W had indeed broke it off, there would/should be absolutely NO CONTACT. Honestly, you need to reconsider your opinion that the affair has ended. It hasn't. I have a feeling this affair has everything to do with your W's desire to separate. As for meeting this man, I'm just not sure it will benefit you. Since he's still in contact with your W, he will tell her if you contact him. IMO, the "other people" your W wants to meet is this OM. I've been there and done that. <BR>I hope I haven't been too direct with you. I'm just afraid you're not taking this seriously enough. I'm glad you've made changes in yourself; but, please don't give credit for this to an affair, whether emotional, internet, sexual or any of the above. May I ask...Why have these changes you've made strengthened her conviction to leave you? <P><P>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<BR>

Kyra,<P>Thanks for the reply. I appreciate you being direct. I lived for 19 years with a wife who would always hide her true feelings with they conflicted with anyone else's. Perhaps you're right in that the affair may not have truely ended in her heart. I believe that their contact in minimal these days, but then again - who really knows? Everything on the PC (cache, "trash" bin, "recycling" bin, etc.) is always empty. No, I don't take it lightly - it's destroyed our marriage. But if I'm honest, it wasn't the OM that destroyed it - I did. For if I had been the husband she desired she never would have found his companionship in the chat rooms. In honesty, how can I blame him? He's surfing throught the chat rooms and finds someone interesting to talk to. He didn't set out to change her life. Yes, I think I believe that her desire to seperate is based upon the feelings she once felt for him (as I remember holding her for hours on end as she cried in my arms after breaking off their relationship). I don't know if they'll ever meet each other, or perhaps this guy could be my sons step-father someday - who knows?<P>You're also right in that he probably wouldn't want to meet with me anyway. If I were in his shoes I'm sure I would be apprenhensive - or probably believe it was a setup. Sure I know he'll tell her, so what? I've lost her completely. I think it would be childish to portray him as the villan. You see if not for him, and the critical self-analysis that followed my discovery of he and my wife, I would probably have lived the rest of my life with my priorities set on work and career. I don't like the outcome, but this was an incredible wakeup call to what life is really about. And as such, this guy has probably had a greater impact on me then anyone else in my life. For that reason I would just like to meet him. Just to see who he is, and not to discuss he and my wife. I don't want to credit this to the affair, but I know in my heart that this is what "woke me up".<P>You ask why these changes have strengthened her conviction to leave me. Good question (I've asked her that many times myself). As I'm told - this is what she asked, wanted, and begged for for so long. And now that she's given up and no longer has any feelings for me do I finally want to be that person. To her I guess it's a slap in the face which prompts anger and resentment. <P>Do you feel otherwise? You sound like you've "been there". I agree with everything you've said. It's just that I feel I have nothing else to loose and at the very least, if by chance he would meet with me I'll at least satisfy my curiosity. If you have been in my wife's shoes, how did you overcome it, and/or is there anything I should or shouldn't do that might offer us a glimmer of hope? I guess I posted this after pouring my life into trying to rebuild our marriage for 18 months only to see my wife withdraw further and further each month. We start the seperation process soon and it can't come soon enough for her. I don't want to sound defeatest, but in reality I've lost, and I'd just like to see who the victor is. Kyra, I thank you for your honesty and candor. If there is anything you would like suggest from experience that you don't want to share here you can email me at stardust@snrgy.com<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<P><BR>

Stardust,<P>It wasn't the OM's fault???!!?<BR>He was just in a chat channel?!?!?<P>Please don't kid yourself... any self-respecting, moral and "good" person would not get involved with a married woman... PERIOD.<P>If he got involved and found out "later" that she was married he would end it right away and step out of the equation doing everything in his power to let her know she should be with her H and not with him.<P>So don't try to fool yourself that this guy is the innocent party here... he disrespected YOUR relationship, he didn't "care" about the fallout your W would have to endure and he certainly didn't even think twice about how you might feel about it.<P>This person doesn't deserve understanding or respect or even your decency.

LostSoul and Kyra,<P>Thanks for giving me a dose of (much needed) common sense. I guess when you want to keep the peace and a Christian perspective it's important to not loose your values and sense of direction in the process. That was a really stupid idea on my part. Thanks for bringing me back to reality. I miss having my wife to confide in, but I really appreciate having you and the others here on this board to talk to.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<P><BR>