Well, I am new to all of this but here it goes.<p>I am a 38 yo BS, with 3 children (10, 8 and 4). The WS is 31 yo nursing student, who spent the first 8 years of our marriage caring for the home and taking care of the kids and myself. We have now been married over 9 years. <p>While most of our marriage has been pretty good, the WS has complained at times of my inattention or other needs not being met. Always, I would come back and try to meet them and we would be good for awhile (several months). but then something would come up, and we would have a problem again.<p>Like I said, everything was pretty good and we enjoy the same faith and belief in marriage and marriage roles. That is until several years ago. My father died, as well as some severe financial problems came upon us. We have struggled continuously for the last 4 years to overcome them. As i continued to try to get on top of things, I began to be more reserved and to pull back. being a member of the national Guard, my withdrawal became very promounced a little over a year ago, because I had been notified that I was being deployed for 7 months. Our relationship was now in a full nose dive.<p>The WS kept trying to get to me, to help her because she was in her first years of nursing school. To come to her and help work things out. but I was now in a very deep depression, mostly because I felt I was failing her and the fact that things were bad and I saw the danger of me leaving her in this state.<p>Well, it all came true. Right after I left, 9/11 happened and i was fully engaged in that. My WS completely fell apart. In order to meet some of the emotional needs that I had stopped meeting and to comfort her during this period, she made a decision that the marriage is over (which was totally against her beliefs and value system). she then pursued a guy at the gym where she works out. <p>From Oct through Dec (I left in the beginning of Sept), they began this friendship/affair. She would hire babysitters so she could spend time with him. She was stuck in the hardest year of school, so they didnt have a lot of time. but they made the most of it and began to talk about a future together, kids, etc.<p>I came home for Christmas, and things were very tense. I knew something was wrong, but did not know there was a OM. I wanted to work on us over Christmas, knowing we still had three more months to the deployment. but she spent as much time away from me as possible (not with him - he was visiting his kids in FLA from a divorce he had two years prior).<p>I left to go back with the notion that my marriage was over. At the same time, she left the day after I did, took our kids to her mother's in another state (she tells everyone that she cant commit fulltime to her studies and give the time to the kids since I am not there and she needed the help), and then came back to have a life alone with him in our house, he used my car, and sometimes they stayed at his place. I was essentially replaced.<p>Now, I didnt know this was going on, but our phonecalls, and indications from people back here that knew, I had a good idea. but I decided to fight back for my wife and my family. Partly because of my faith, partly because of the children, and partly because i know if i had been the husband i was supposed to be, this would have never happened.<p>So, I did all sorts of things from getting her backstage and up on the soundboard at her favorite group's concert (Creed). She emailed me the next day to say it was the most awesome time she had ever had. She told me last week that the OM was furious!! Got a smile here on that one! I wrote love letters, and without even seeing any of the things I have seen here, i began a Plan A of sorts, even though I still didnt know about the OM.<p>Well, it seemed to work because they werent into this more than a month when they started having fights and problems. Within another month, weeks before I come home, they are broke up, just friends, and he tells her to go back and find out what she wants. but he will still be there for her, at least as friends.<p>Over the last few weeks I was deployed, I got emails and phonecalls at all hours of the night from her, despondent about her situation and about us. She wanted to work on us but didnt know how to get things back. Of course, I still did not know about the OM. So, when I came home, I expected to find a woman ready to work on things.<p>I came home in early April and ran into a wall. I found out for sure three days after i got home (from a family member who had hired a PI and gotten video, etc of their exploits). I was shattered. She was mad at the involvement of family and friends and the fact that she didnt get the chance to tell me.<p>Over the last 10 weeks, we have had our moments where we seem to be moving closer together. but when she gets scared or I do something wrong, she pines away for the OM and contacts him or goes to see him at work. I have shown her I know through her caller list on her cell phone, as well as a tracking device that was on her car for awhile. she says she loves him and cannot see giving him up, although she says he is non-committal. She even said he is getting angry lately because she keeps bringing her dirty laundry to him about us. He doesnt want to hear it. I believe he wants her to make a move toward divorce or to get away from him. Everytime I discuss divorce or separation, she says nothing that says she would stop me. Except that she wants to make sure everything is evenly divided.<p>It seems we will have a good week or two together and then something will happen, she will call or go see him, I will explode and threaten divorcing her or something else, and then we are back to square one where she says she is afraid of me. Later, she says that she was beginning to have feelings for me again, but my panic and threats during this just wipe that away.<p>Recently, she sat down with me and said the only way she can even possibly work on things with me is if we separate, divide things equally in the separation, and then she will no longer fear that I will take everything away from her. In the meantime, she says she feels trapped and says that she will only continue to hate me.<p>She finally talked with Steve for the first time today. She said it was a good talk and that she understood all of the concepts. As a matter of fact, it was the Surviving an Affair book that got all of this started because our life mimics the life of Jon and Sue in the book. She told Steve though that she loves the OM and that she doesnt believe love is an addiction. She says that if she goes another year with me working on things (and she admitted that I have changed) and then I go back to my old ways, she will lose the OM. And it seems that she is unwilling to take that chance because of what he offers her. i get glowing reports how great this guy is and how wonderful her life would be if i would just let her go. in the meantime, I suffer. And so do my kids.<p>This has been a long post, I know. But my situation is somewhat unique because for seven months, the two of them really almost lived as husband and wife. So, they were able to really plan and see what life would be like together. I want to believe that their relationship was not entirely full, that I was still meeting many of her needs (financial, family, emotional...she would call me after they had a fight and I would calm her down...even though I didnt know why she was upset.) I want to believe that if left to their own devices, the relationship would fall flat on its face and she would run back to me. but, unlike Jon and Sue in the book, she and I really didnt have much of a relationship for seven months, while she was fulltime with him.<p>She acts many times like she wants to work on this, but i dont know if it is just so she can get to the point where paperwork is signed and she gets what she wants and then she is off with him. Or, if it is really an addiction, that deep down she wants to break free, has even tried, and the pain is too much.<p>Of course, there is a lot more to this but you get the idea. I would love suggestions on all of this, from handling her, to her still seeing him (supposedly they are not having any intimate relations and unless they are doing it at his office, the tracker on her car pretty much proved that), to whether i should sign the separation, divided things equally, and hope that they fail and she sees us again. i have tried to show her i have changed but all she remembers is how I was before I left. So, if she goes, that will be what she remembers and I feel that even if they dont work out, she still wont want to come back. Even though she does admit to me and Steve that she has seen many of the changes.<p>Help!! I have very little strength left for any of this. I have lived under this seige for ten months now, with no love, joy, happiness, etc at all. I am trying to be a good Dad, but am even failing at that because i am not the usual happy Dad. I want to do the right thing and help my Christian wife back from what she has done and help put our family back together. but the pull of this guy and her not wanting a life like we had right before i left seems to large an obstacle to overcome.<p>Thanks in advance for your reply.

How awful for you!! Just wanted to send you a great big hug! She is in the fog and has been living a fairytale life. Are the kids back yet? Kids have a way of zapping reality into you, but then she may be running from responsibility. <p>Sounds like you have started in the right direction. If you can stand plan A that is what I would do if I were you. She needs to know that you have changed, so you need to keep reenforcing this. You need to fill up her love bank. Her affair will likely fall apart. Keep reading the site and you will see that most affairs fall apart in 6 mo-2 years. You can have a better marraige than before. Differen, but better. It will not be the same as before, so you have to start from here. <p>I am also a BS and have my ups and downs. My d-day was almost 1 year ago and the OW is gone (I hope), and we have good times and bad ones, but the good is getting much better and more constant. You are ten steps ahead because you can see the part you played in this A. She took the step which was wrong, and she will have to deal with that. I hope you can forgive her. It is hard, but possible. <p>Keep reading here. You are not alone. Your story is not that different from many. I had no idea that so many women had affairs before visiting this site. <p>You are going in the right direction and I think there is hope. Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the support. Believe me, before last Sept, I had no idea about any of this. and neither did my wife. We have both said over the last few weeks that we always thought we were immune, that it happened to others.<p>Yeah, the kids came home right before I did. i do most of the work with them right now because she is knee deep in nursing school. Even if this hadnt of happened, I would still be taking care of them mostlt because her school is so demanding.<p>Our house is up for sale. it flooded several years ago, which was what started the financial problems and all of this. but, it turns out to be a blessing because it is now worht $80,000 more than we paid for it for years ago. I just cant believe we couldnt wait, she couldnt wait, because where we are now financially and with what i learned about myself while I was gone, we could be making great strides forward. instead, she let herself get into this affair and now has her heart trapped in it.<p>When the sale of the house is complete, i have no idea what happens. Sometimes she says she wants the separation, to move into an apartment and then we work on us. others, she says she doesnt know what she is going to do when it is time to move. Steve asked both of us if it were possible to move far away from the OM. My WS has said before that if we work out, we will have to move. but right now, she is in her last year of nursing school in one of the best in the country and is totally unwilling to move away. Added to the fact that because of our up and down emotional rollercoaster the last 10 weeks, she has now fully engaged the idea that she does love him and doesnt know if she can or want to give that up. but she continues to try to work with me. just dont know if the motive is to help us maybe to work things out, or to placate me until she gets my signature on the separation so that she wont feel threatened and I wont take everything away.<p>I feel like i am lost in the woods, just bumping into trees blindly. I do not know the right thing to do, especially with signing a separation. To me, that just makes me feel that I have fully condoned them to go ahead and restart their relationship. And the kids and I are left in the lurch, hoping she will wake up eventually. i do not know how much longer I can go without any of my emotional needs being met. they have not been met in over ten months.

I am also a nursing student. I have one year left also. I have heard that sometimes you can transfer from one program to another without having to start over. (I also hear it is very tough to do.) Also, I don't know what state you live in, but in my opinion it does not matter if the school is the best in the country. You still have to pass state boards to become a RN. The school in our area that is the "best" I heard is on probation because the percentage of students failed state boards. The school I attend has a 89-91 % of its graduates pass the first time. A small local community college. I know many nurses and they all say you real learning comes after you finish school and get a job. If she could get a transfer to another program would she??<p>
The nursing program is a very demanding program. Very stressful. She may not see it now, but the support you are giving her while she is in school is depositing into her Love Bank. It is very tough for a student to get through the program without a good support system<p>Does she work? I agree that you should keep plan A going. With you being deployed, she is in school in a very stressful and demanding program, she needed someone, and because of no control over your situation you could not be there (no slam intended)<p>You are concerned that they had time together while you were gone. They did not have time together in the real world. Kids are away at grandma's, so there was not the stress of school and kids for him to contend with. You are providing the financial support it sounds like??? I also got the impression, that they still did not have much time together. How long will he put up with the reality of family life.<p>I don't have any advise on separating your stuff. I do think that because of the pressures of school, being a mom, she has little time for working on herself, and knowing what she wants. Especially when she throws an OM into the mix. Is she a fulltime student or a partime student?<p>I think she is stressed out and he is her release. <p>I do see hope for you. <p>Take care

Thanks for the post.<p>She just started a job working as a nurse extern in the ER at a local hospital. she is very excited about that. this is a community college she goes to also, with the same type of stats. maybe it is the same one.<p>I am not sure i am depositing much because most of what she says is contact with him happens on weekends when she goes to study. instead, she goes to his office, and she "says" that she locks herself in one of the offices and studies.<p>She says she cant study at home because of the pressure and our situation, as well as the kids. this just adds to my love bank withdrawals. Since he was there for her for most of her first year through school (in which she made the Deans List) while i was gone overseas, she sees him as an integral part of her success. and me probably just a mjor headache. So by studying at his work, she maintains the "friendship" and relationship, maintains the addiction, and he continues to deposit units in her love bank for being supportive and for helping her through school.<p>The only exception happened recently, in which last weeek he said he had enough of her whining about me to him all the time, to stop calling him at work crying...and now she says he is mad and wont talk to her. i guess today or tomorrow she will attempt to calm him down. but this is the first crack I have seen in their relationship since i got home in April. Of course, when this happened last week, she got violently mad at me, calling me names and saying she would stay with me and lose him, but that she would always hate me.<p>I think this happened because I refused to sign the separation papers and that angered him because this just continues. her too.<p>No, she wont leave this school. So, no matter what, I am stuck in the same area as the OM until next June. he is from Florida, got divorced two years ago. Realized a year ago he couldnt pay for his house he built down there on what he made because his wife's income was now gone, so moved up here to a different state (Virginia) in april 01. met my wife at the gym later in the summer and befriended her. then I left on military deployment and she approached him. he went for it. now, he was supposed to go back to Fla this past April, but signed another year's lease here. She says it is him waiting to see what happens with us (vulture!!). She knows he will go back next year, unless he is with her. because he knows she cant go to Florida because the kids will remain here. anyway, here is a nursing student, getting ready to walk out of nursing school next year, very attractive, has the whole package, plus money coming in from the divorce when it happens. What's not to like? Even my WS's attorney said that she is getting used, that he is filling in the missing parts he needs.<p>Anyway, thanks for the post. but, no way she is going to move because she wants to finish school here, and she is still connected emotionally and in love with him.

I'm in MN. I don't know what the rate of pay of RN's is in VA, but in MN it is good. Alot of hosp. are offering very good bonuses. She is starting a job, less time for him. <p>The kids were at grandma's for part of this time, correct. So, he had nothing to do with her success the first year. There was not the distractions of home. It is tough to study with the kids at home. when I'm studying I read my nursing books to my 3 year old.
I also find it hard to study at home in general, even when I'm the only one here with the dog. I go to the school library to study.<p>There is a reason she talks about you. A R cannot be based upon complaints about the current H. OM does not want to hear about you. She blames you because she can. I don't have too many words of wisdom for you, except that others will tell you she is in a fog. It sounds that way to me too. Reality might be slipping in to the fog. She does not like that. It it putting a crack into the "perfect world" <p>Is he pushing her because he know she will get some $$, and wants to talk her into helping him?<p>Could you suggest to her that because she is under alot of stress right now, it would not be a good time to make major decisions such as separation or divorce. During the next year while she finishes school you would like to work on M. Let her know how much she means to you and that you want the opportunity so show her. (During the fog, it may not mean much) During this time, you can Plan A. <p>I have read on others posts, do not interfere with A. It will only help to fuel it. Let it die a natural death.

Well, I think you have a pretty good handle on it. Pay is great for RNs in VA. She is making pretty good money just working as an extern. Yeah, working may mean less time for him, but I believe she will find time, even at the expense of me and the kids. she already has been doing that.<p>Even though the kids were at grandma's for part of the year, she credits the OM with a lot of her success over this past year. she said with all of the emotional problems, as well as the whole nursing school deal, that her emotional support came from him. Many times she felt like quitting or was just not getting it together, and she said he calmed her down, centered her. She said no one has ever done that as well as he did. So, there was the biggest contribution to her love bank from him. just being there and giving her a kick in the butt when she needed it. The problem now is there is distractions at home with kids, and as she says...with me. So, she takes off to study (I guess) on the weekends and ends up many times at his office, supposedly studying there. Meanwhile, she is missing her boy's baseball games and the kids literally see her maybe 4-5 hours during the week total. She has more face time with the OM than the kids.<p>I hope you are right about the R and the fact that her continued talk about her and me is weighing down the OM. Nothing would make me happier than his continued unhappiness. even yesterday, i think she tried to call him in order to get him to talk to her again, but I guess he is still pissed off because she said when she saw him at the gym, she just passed by him and walked out. Now, I would like to be jumping up and down happy, but they got like this also right after i got back in April because he was jealous that I was home finally and with her in the house. But, due to withdrawals by her, and my inability to handle the situation, she has now re-opened contact with him a few weeks ago and is brazenly telling me that right now, she needs him as a friend and for emotional support.<p>I think he really wants to be with her, and even possibly marry her. he lost his high school girlfriend to an affair two years ago. My WS is a very attractive, really got it all together, and now will be making very good money as an RN, as well as being (or used to before this) a great mom...this guy has to see he is getting a great package. it will fill in what he lost. as a matter of fact, i believe he is probably moving up. But as a friend of hers told her, she is giving up everything, and he is giving up nothing. So, he can just sit there, be an ear for her, play the game, make me look like crap, and then grab it up when she leaves.<p>I have suggested a year deal to figure things out. She has said, and even told Steve, that if she does this, and I revert back to my old ways, she will have lost the OM and will be alone. She says she is too afraid to trust the changes in me, and too afraid of losing him. So, she wants to separate, work on us several days a week. of course, then that leaves her also to have a full blown deal going with him. then she says she can feel safe because I can no longer hold taking everything away from her over her head. to me, either she is scared I might take everything and cant work on us until she feels safe, or she is afraid she will lose everything and is taking advantage of my love to try to get a great deal in the separation and then take off with him. I have evidence that it could be either way so I am stuck as to what to do.<p>I have tried all sorts of things to find out what is going on and to even destroy their relationship. most had great effect. but, the residual effect is that she becomes more angry with me, says she cant trust me. So, against my nature, I have decided two weeks ago to back off. let her play her games and I will believe her when she says she is going to the library. has met with some success because she appears to be spending more time at home now, and even spending time with me, watching a movie or having a beer. I am very careful now not to bring up any of this unless she does.<p>Anyway, not sure of my next step because she is still saying she cant move forward without those guarantees outlined in the separation agreement she drew up.

Mortarman,<p>Let me see if I have this right. She is in nursing school, she studies, she goes to the gym to work out, and she basically ignores your children, not to mention you. And you call her a good Mom????<p>I would definitely document all of this, she is not a good Mom and she has already moved her children out in favor of having an affair with this man. I would be he would love being subpeaned (sp) in a custody hearing to testify as to why he was in your house but your children were moved elsewhere><p>In short, protect yourself, but also give your W time to adjust. I know right now everything is your fault, but it isn't and it wasn't. SHe made major decisions that are now destroying her family.<p>I am glad to hear you are counseling with SH. I hope that he can help, but the reality is that she won't let go of him until they stop seeing each other. Frankly, I suspect you being nice to her, but hanging in there is bugging them both tremendously. This is good. She can always try to separate or file for divorce herself, nothing is stopping her. She just doesn't want to be the bad guy here, but she is the bad guy. Let her deal with it.<p>You hang in and quit blaming yourself for this mess, it is her fault. Yup, you could be a better H and you are working on that, but you didn't cause her affair or the cruelness that she is dishing out. She did that.<p>Keep taking care of the kids, and do special things with them. It is good for your children and they need that, but it will also get a message across to your W. She may lose more than she thinks.<p>Hang in there.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Hi Mortarman
I really liked what JL had to say. <p>Here is a study suggestion for her. My H, did not like it when on weekends I would leave for the library to study. So, as a compromise, I would shut myself in the bedroom, no distraction, he would keep the kids out of my way so I could study for a few hours. That way I am still at home. Another thing I do is I sometimes take my two oldest to the library with me. They would have to read books for school, so while I studied I made them get their homework done. (Not knowing the ages of your kids, I don't know if that would work) She also has to be agreeable. <p>Keep doing Plan A. And spend time with the kids. My H actuallly got a little jealous over some of the stuff I do with the kids. (But then again, I made a point of telling him how much fun we had, that he did join us on a few occasions. <p>The gym membership, is it a family membership? You could join her when she goes. This way you are spending time with her. If any of the more experienced MB'er out here thinks it is a bad idea, they will say so. I was thinking about the recreational companionship thing. <p>Good luck to you.