I’m sorry in advance for the long post but I need some insight--I believe that my husband is going through mid-life crisis for the past year and a half or so--depression, drinking ALOT to mask his feelings (his words) and has been in limbo by choosing not to deal with things (again his words). He developed a “friendship” about a year ago with someone he knew from high school-I just found out about it the end of March. He talked to her on the phone a lot-all the while hiding it from me. He had mentioned to me that he was emailing an old friend a little over a year ago and I thought nothing of it. Then I discovered that he was talking regularly and totally hiding it. I know that he has gone to her house as well. This “friend” filed for divorce last July and has been living in the apartment complex where he is currently staying with a friend. I discovered this by accident-he says that it’s just a coincidence (ya, right!). He maintains that nothing is going on or has gone on-has never broken his vows. One of my daughters found a pair of gold earrings in his overnight bag. They weren’t for me-I never received them. She was very upset because she knew they were for his “friend”. He says he hasn’t really talked to her since I asked him not to back in April of this year. But I don’t believe him of course.<p>He was never the kind of person to do anything like this. He was always the most faithful person. He was always against cheating. I have always been the most easygoing, understanding wife. Never have stopped him from doing anything he ever wanted to do-always completely trusting him-maybe trusting him too much. My friends and his friends cannot believe the way he is acting-- Can’t believe that he is risking his wonderful life with me. He doesn’t care-he wants everyone to mind their own business and leave him alone. All his friends are pulling away from him and he does nothing about it. He knows that this is happening. He tells me that he loves me and will never stop. That I have been and will continue to be the most wonderful, loving and special part of his life and that he is just trying to find himself again and doesn’t know if he wants to be married anymore. He says that he has always been with someone and just wants to be alone.<p>He is currently taking anti-depressents-4 ½ weeks now and is starting to feel them working. He tells me that he is truly sorry for all the pain he is putting me through and knows that this is all his fault and not mine. I am not to blame. We had the perfect marriage-rarely ever fought, talked a lot, spent time together-everyone was envious of us. His friends always called me the “cool” wife. We have been together 17.5 years-married 15.5. We got married young-he is 35.<p> Well I kicked him out of the house 2 weeks ago because I had enough with his constant drinking (around our girls-drinking and driving as well) and his spending of “our” money-large amounts putting us back into debt-never talking to me about it. He had been living at the house on work days and staying with his male friend on the days he didn’t. I didn’t agree with this. This was all very confusing to our daughters. I felt that he needed to either live at the house and work on himself and our life or he needed to leave and go work on finding himself. So I told him that it wasn’t fair to our daughters or to me and that he needed to take the time to figure himself out. He is currently staying with his friend in an apartment. He has always been very nice and friendly to me. He continues to give me a hug and a kiss whenever he leaves me to go to the apartment. It’s all very confusing. He constantly tells me to call him anytime. I have been doing my best to continue with my life and take care of my kids. I am very capable of taking care of myself. I am a very strong person. I am going to my first an-anon meeting on Thursday. Has anyone gone through their husband’s mid-life crisis like this? Can anyone offer any insight? I just don’t know where I go from here. What happens next? How long will this go on? Will he eventually figure it out and come home to try and put the pieces back together? What should I be doing? I have been reading anything and everything to try and understand what is happening and to learn from this experience. I don’t want to start over again with someone else. I just want my wonderful husband back. I know that we will both be different people from this experience, but I want the opportunity to work through everything with him! Thanks for listening!

C&E,
Don't worry about the length. If anything, it helps to get it all out, if at least to put YOUR feelings into perspective for yourself.<p>I've learned from my WH a bit first hand about MLC. And, they are weird... mine isn't drinking but he's acting like a teenager. He too told me many of the same things though. First it was a "friendship" (that's what he still claims... a good friend that he can "talk to.") He also was just a really nice guy... quiet, laid back, understanding. Honest. Never thought he'd hit anything like this. He's not on anti-depressants that I know of, but he spent a year or so very depressed while living here and "I didn't understand what he was going through" although I did try to ask and listen. He was just "Unhappy" without any specific complaint until the OW happened along.<p>We were very good friends before all of this as well as H and W. Things weren't paradise, but they clicked and clacked along somehow. All of a sudden, he became secretive, lied obssessively, and told me he did that so he "didn't hurt me." I now bore him, and am no "fun." I "control" him because I want a "slave." Heck... all I want is for him to voluntarily see the kids and come mow our acre once a week!!! And just come by once in awhile to see what might need to be done around here... huge old house... think the "Money PIt" movie.<p>There are definitive behaviors that seem to mark an MLC, from what I can tell from other posts.<p>You were defintely right to kick him out for the drinking. Don't be afraid to appear "moralistic." You seem to have set specific behaviors that you expect of your children, so why would you want to undermine that and teach them differently?<p>I don't know how to get our wondeful husbands back... still groping here, but know that you're in good company. Here for you. I'm still Plan A'ing although Plan B may go into high gear very quickly once a few things are accomplished (like a house refi, an attorney appt for our D's auto accident and some marraige counseling if it does not prove successful).<p>We had even tried Retrouvaille, a Catholic program. You get in touch with your "feelings" through writing in that program. (I don't recommend it, and I am a Catholic. It does not address specific problem solving and behavioral problems right off the bat. I am sorry I forced that issue.) So, you can be sure everyone has tried something here... I guess patience is a learned virtue... after many tears and much frustration.<p>Our history:
Married nearly 24 years
4 Daughters, 3 of whom are still teenagers
D-day was 3/6/02, although I had suspected and confronted about 6 months before that
Moved out shortly there after (don't remember date... I was in such a fog, although I am slowly coming around.)<p>Remember, it's a process for you as well to deal with your feelings and it will take time. Three months later and I find days I still reel.. and cry many tears.<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you.