I found this website while looking for information about mid-life crises in men. I wonder if I am having one, or if I am overreacting to a situation involving a woman I work with. I need advice and some guidance if I am seeing what is there or just imagining things.<p>This woman works in another branch of my company and our paths crossed every couple weeks. We developed a friendship and there was a certain chemistry when we were together. I eventually told her that I was very attracted to her -- used the word love. She said she found it easy to talk with me. We have held hands, hugged, but nothing more than that.<p>We are both married and both of us have children. This went on for a while, meeting every once in a while and talking. Talking on the cellphone, leaving messages for each other.<p>Then it kind of tailed off. Last week I had to pick her up from a meeting and drive her home. Her husband could not get her. On the way home I rubbed her hair and talked with her. When she got out she gave me a hug and I kissed her on the lips.<p>Thne voice mail messages tailed off. When I saw her yesterday she said her husband is jealous that she is emotionally close to me. Their marriage has been rocky. <p>I sat in her car yesterday and was holding her hand, touching he leg and telling he that I loved her, that if we had met earlier in life we would have been a great team.<p>Am I headed for trouble? I really like the friendship with her and it is nice to have a friend like her. I admit that I like the feeling of having a girlfriend, but there is nothing sexual going on.<p>I have not been on the dating scene for years and have lost a sense of what signals a woman is sendnig. Is she tolorating me, or telling me she wants more? I don't want to get into something over my head. She seems in control, and I take comfort in that. I am enjoying this. <p>Any words of wisdom?

Are you really asking what I think you are asking?<p>Cause I am thinking that you are asking for approval to have an affair!!! You posted that you are married and this is a "Marriage Builders" forum...not "Affair Builders" forum.<p>Plus, the comment of not being on the dating scene for years, you are not supposed to be... you are MARRIED...<p>Surely you jest.<p> [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I am asking that if I keep it at this level, is that OK? It is not an affair then, the way I see it. I am asking for people who have been in my situation if it worked out where they kept a relationship like this at a friendship level

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

tempted:<p>"Am I headed for trouble?"<p>Not at all... ...you FOOL, you already ARE in TROUBLE!!!<p>You are having an emotional affair with this woman RIGHT NOW! (in actuality, you're also having a physical relationship with her, because you've been kissing and holding hands in an inappropriate fashion - because you are married! - and please don't use this to rationalize having sex with this woman). You both are cheating on your spouses, because they don't have full knowledge and consent of your meetings, do they? If they did, and they still "approved", you'd have an "open marriage" (a concept that makes me want to hurl). But since her husband is "jealous" of your "friendship" it is obvious that he doesn't know the extent of your friendship and wouldn't approve if he did. <p>It's good that you posted to this forum before "going any further" with this woman you are having an affair with. This is assuming you're serious.<p>What should you do? You should stop seeing this woman for the rest of your life. You should tell your wife everything that's transpired between you and the other woman. Your wife deserves to know who she's married to. You should get counseling, both for yourself and a joint counselor with your wife. <p>Good luck.

First of all, I am 100 percent serious about posting here. The way I grew up, an affair was two married people going to bed.
This may be a dumb question, and I am sorry if I am new to this, but how is an emotional affair bad? I can see why going to bed is bad, but being friends with someone seems OK.
All of our meetings are in the public area by the way

Hi Tempted.<p>Honestly, I don't think you really want to get involved. Do you really want to hurt you wife and children? They are the ones who will get hurt by this. The hurt of betrayal is the most gut wrenching, world crushing pain that can be endured by a spouse. The kids, what will they think. Also, what about her kids? Do you really want to hava a hand in hurting innocent children?<p>One more thing to consider, her marriage is rocky. That means she is not happy. That does not mean that she wants out. There was a time in my marriage where I was unhappy, I considered it. I didn't. I knew I was missing the fun that I used to have in my relationship with my husband. So instead of looking for what I was missing, I decided I had to get back what I use to have. <p>There is a reason why you married your wife. You never mentioned how your Marriage is? Is it that you just need to spice up the marriage you are in? Try dating your wife. Yes, dating your wife. She might be flattered by the attention. I know I would. <p>Honestly, I don't think you want to cheat on your wife. If you did, you would not be asking here. <p>I forgot to mention the guilt, shame that you will be going through if you pursue this. Did you know the stress of lying raises your blood pressure? High blood pressure leads to other health problems. Are you following me? You will not only hurt those who love you, you will also be harming yourself.<p>The best course of action to forget about this other friend before you ruin and hurt those who put their trust in you. Have not contact. If you continue contact you will be tempted again. <p>Bring back the spice in your marriage. It will make both of you feel young again.

That is why I wondered if I am having a midlife crises. My life is good, marriage good and I find myself drawn to this woman. Not for a sexual reason, but something about her stirs something in my soul

Maybe you feel sorry for her. Is she worth hurting those who love and trust you?

I am not sure if I feel sorry for her, but when we look at each other, I loose myself in her heart. As crazy as it sounds, I feel like I love her unlike any other woman. Not like I wan to leave my wife. Not at all. This woman just really connects with me somehow. We have only met for lunches from time to time. That does not seem dangerous. We have not snuck out at night, not gone to a motel. Nothing like that

You're asking what's wrong/dangerous about it... I'll take a stab here.<p>1. What's your screen name? Tempted Tempted??? To do what??? Whatever your answer is, IS one reason your relationship is WRONG WRONG WRONG. Humans are WEAK WEAK WEAK... and if you are in a "tempting" situation, GET OUT OF IT.<p>2. You KISSED HER??? That's wrong.<p>3. Her H is upset? That makes it wrong. Even if you were JUST jogging buddies.<p>4. You are giving this woman things you should be giving your WIFE. Your THOUGHTS, hugs, kisses, attention, intimate thoughts, TIME, etc.<p>5. If HER marriage is rocky, YOU will DESTROY it.<p>Please end all contact with this woman, go home to your wife, and make your marriage SO wonderful you would never DREAM of getting your needs met elsewhere.<p>[ June 25, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

OK, I'll bite. An emotional affair is bad because it takes your emotional investment away from your partner. That is at least as significant as what genitals have connected with yours. Just think, (with the big head) - people can have one night stands, hire prostitutes, get it on in washrooms, parking lots, whatever - do you honestly think that these are affairs but what you are doing in good clean fun?<p>If it is all so innocent and wonderful I think you should tell your wife about it, and your mother and the neighbors and the woman's husband.

Errr... dear tempted, let me try to explain you this in a calm manner and for doing so I'll use the point technique:<p>1) You are already in trouble.
2) What you have has already crossed the line in between friendship and emotional affair. It did the moment you let yourself "love" and kiss this woman.
3) There is no way you can keep a friendship on any level with this person without costing you whatever is dearest to you.<p>That said I think you can process (as the sentinet and hopefully intelligent adult that you are), that:<p>THIS IS BY NO MEANS A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP. You my friend are having an emotional affair. You are letting other woman inside your heart when the only person that should be in it is your wife.<p>You mentioned something about being in a midlife crisis. Well, then, what can I say, you are in an Emotional Affair headed for Physical and it won't knock you in the head that you are doing something wrong unless you get 100% sexual with this friend of yours.<p>Alright, I think thats that. Now you are a grown man, and you can do whatever tickles your pickle, you can keep your dear lov... I mean friend, but mark my words:<p>You are gonna be in twice as much SH@T as you are already.<p>Warning made!

I am giving my wife my attention, kisses and all that. I dont think I am taking anything away from the situation at home. Her marriage was rocky before I came on the scene. She does not want to leave her husband, so I dont see how my friendship with her will destroy her marriage
I am not asking these questions to argue, but to gain insight from peole who have been in my spot. I admit that I would not tell my wife about what I have told this woman, so that tells me I feel a bit guitly.
But I still don't feel like I am having what I consider an affair. I dont think this womnan would think that either.
For example, she goes to conferences and is hit on all the time by men and never takes them up on it. So if she wanted to cheat, she would have many opportunites to do so

Ask yourself..."Would I behave this way in front of my W?" If not, then this has all the making of an EA. If you would then your wife is an incredibly tolerant woman!

The time and emotions spent on her is time and emotions that should be for your wife. <p>Even if you believe that you have done nothing wrong, because you have not had sexual relations, you are headed that way. <p>Your wife will probably see you becoming emotionaly involved with this woman as betrayal.<p>I don't know much about mid-life crisis, if there is anything to it, and this is what you are going through, is a phase worth hurting your wife and children. That is what will happen. They will be hurt. <p>If you read some of the post written by those that have been hurt by the ones we love and trust, you will see the pain it causes. <p>Please, do the right thing, and end all contact with her, tell your wife you love her.

I agree that you are right about keeping it private indicates something is wrong. But my wife knows I know this woman and I have met her. That is splitting hairs, I know.
As for getting physical -- we meet only during the day and for lunch. How would we ever go to bed? And she has many opportunities for that while out of town.
Maybe I am naive, but it seems like there are friends in a person's lives who fill a spot that others, including the spouse, can not.

I am not trying to convince anyone on here that what I am doing is right. I am asking questions, hoping that others who have been here can tell me if I am on safe ground -- that is that it does not progress to a physical relatoinship - and that we remain friends only

Ok Ok Ok soooo, your wife doesn't know about how deep your friendship is with this woman, or that you kissed her and stroked her, etc etc. How long you calculate untill you start making out?<p>I know I am sounding harsh, but look at it! It is going straight to the crusty yummy point of... crush and burn!<p>So you are not taking anything away from your W? How about being her confidant, her best friend and partner? You know, the guy that is suppossed to tell her everything?<p>And if that STILL doesn't hit you full. Then, what if your W went around kissing other men, stroking other men and opening her little heart away? I mean, there are plenty of men with troubled marriages awaiting for a nice woman to listen, understand, be the princess in their tale. How dreamy, how ideal!<p> [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Man some people are just crazy!

You didn't answer my question. Why did you choose your name "Tempted"?