You been here before under a different name haven't you? You probably won't admit it anyway but you are looking for permission to have an affair and you ain't gonna get it here, okay?<p>I feel so sorry for your wife. You are a cakeman you want have your marriage and your partime thing on the side. Your rationalizations don't cut it here. We are not going to tell you what you want to hear<p>[ June 25, 2002: Message edited by: KalGrl ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> it seems like there are friends in a person's lives who fill a spot that others, including the spouse, can not. <hr></blockquote><p>Sure... some of those spots are acceptable... What spot does she fill? (I'm not being sarcastic.. I'm serious)

I guess I choose tempted as a name because I am tempted to maintain this friendship even though it could seem like I am doing something wrong.
Factually, I am
But what if both people in the friendship know it will not end up physcial -- I know it never will, not only because it is not something desired, byt logistically it would be impossible.
I see the woman in person maybe once every couple weeks. Talk with her maybe a few minutes each time every few days on the phone.
How can that be dangerous?
Again, I am not being stubborn. I am torn. Feel that it is fun, makes me feel connected and good. and yet I know if all the facts were laid out it would seem to be worse than it is

Ok Tempted, here is the answer to your question:<p>It is inminently going to evolve into physical.
It is an inminent drama.
It is an inminent loss of energy.
It is a piece of poop the size of Texas about to drop in your very head.
It is playing with fire and you are going to burn burn and burn and crash.
It is a bad idea.
Don't continue, impending doom.
Bad.
Doesn't look good.
Looks like a kid covered in gasoline playing with a flame thrower.<p>Hope that helped.
PLEASE STOP IT!

Hi Tempted.
In case you have not noticed you have received many replies. <p>That is because no one here want to have you wife out her crying her eyes out, pouring out her soul and pain on a Marriage Builder website. Most of us her are trying to repair out marriages because the one we trusted so much has torn our worlds apart. We don't want to see anyone go through unnecessary pain and anguish. <p>This woman's marriage is rocky, it was that way before you two met. You being in the picture is adding fuel to the fire. <p>Some full blown affairs have started out the same way as this friendship is with this women. <p>She needs to straighten out her marriage before she can have friends of the opposite sex.
It is too easy to cross the line. <p>For the record, if my H was kissing another women, I would be very upset, unless it is him mother or our daughter on the cheek.

I have not been here before. Never even heard of this place until today.
What does this woman fill: That is hard question for me to answer. A sense of being in love for love's sake, I guesss.
The feeling I get when I watch Moonstruck, or Harry met Sally. That feeling of being in love, the newness of love.
Ok, you can all jump on me, but I am being honest

tempted (at least you didn't choose "unfaithful1" with apologies to that poster):<p>You need to hang back for a couple of weeks and READ ALL YOU CAN FROM THIS FORUM. Read all the posts by and about people that have had or are having emotional affairs. Do this before you even so much as look at your "girlfriend" (yeccch!) once more. I sincerely hope that, once you realize just how totally destructive the relationship YOU ARE NOW IN with this woman TRULY IS to your family and hers, you'll back off for good.<p>You need to redefine your limits. Not telling your wife about ANYTHING that could impact your relationship with her (like telling some other woman that you love them, for Rice Cake!) IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. <p>NO MORE LIES!

Tempted's tale reminds me of the occasional lunch date my WW had with our kids piano teacher (while he was engaged, by the way). She never told me, of course. This went on for a few years on a "friendship" level. Then one day, one thing led to another and WW made her physical move 5 months ago. The rest is history (see below) and HELL ON EARTH for her and me!!!

I agree with 2long.<p>Your last answer concerns me greatly. Please re-read it. That the "spot" this woman fills for you should only be filled by your spouse. You know that is true.<p>If you don't believe us - and seveeral of us have posted the same answers for you - step back and read for a few days, k?<p>I'm sure your feeling are VERY common, and UNFORTUNATELY... YES >>> they usually lead to a full-blown affair, and many of us have been on the BS side of affairs. <p>We desparately want you to stop in your tracks with this relationship. Find out what you want. And LEARN ABOUT THIS TOPIC. Fair???

I guess I always felt that a midlife crisis for a man meant divorcing wife, getting a sports car. That kind of thing. I am not looking to change my life. Very happy with it. I know that I must have some kind of hole inside of me that this woman fills and it is up to me to figure out what that hole it.
But why can't a person have a friend who fills that hole. As I said, it will not be physical. First of it it would be imposible to pull off because she goes home righyt after work. And I dont desire going to bed with her.
It is that feeling of being in love. Of holding her hand, touching in a lvoing way. I do that with my wife, but this is different and part of it is that it is new.
But is it possible to love two people in different ways

"logistically it would be impossible.
I see the woman in person maybe once every couple weeks. Talk with her maybe a few minutes each time every few days on the phone.
How can that be dangerous?"<p>It's dangerous NOW because emotional affairs are more sinister than physical ones. Because they're harder to recognize before it's too late.

I have never been a womanizer, always been a great husband. I wasnt looking for this. She came into my life and I liked her.

I'll tell you a brief version of my story.<p>My H started a relationship much like yours with the woman you work with. He and I were happy. His relationship with her became so deep, that he started behaving VERY strangely at home. He began saying some VERY strange things, and staying out late, etc. Before I found MB, I became very frightened and confused by his behavior. We started to have "talks", which escalated into "fights". You know what? I pushed him out the door - straight into OW's arms for comfort and that "mushy-gushy" feeling of "love for love's sake". The rest is in my sig line. They had a full=-blown affair. He divorced me. And now the affair is over and he's alone and hitting rock-bottom.<p>This may not happen to you. But it might. Is it worth the risk - to YOUR family and HERS??

Just a quick question....<p>Do you kiss your male friends? Tell them that you love them? Wish that you'd met them before you were married?<p>Dude...this woman is more than a friend to you.<p>AND...what about what YOU are doing TO HER!?! YOU may not be thinking about leaving YOUR marriage...but she's obviously having troubles dealing with HERS. You aren't helping that...you aren't helping her.<p>A REAL friend would think a bit harder about what you might be pulling her in to.<p>As far as whether or not it's a MLC...well...go see a counselor and see what they have to say. You'd better do it quick though...because you're on a very dangerous path.

I dont believe I am hurting her marriage. I am not trying to get her to leave her husband. I listen to her, but dont advise her to get a divorce. And that is something that she will not do. She has children and they are important to her
And as I said, she has had ample opportunties for an affair, but has not done so. so why would she do so now with me?

Hi,
I can see how you think this is okay.<p>Let me see if I can put it another way. Three years ago, I ran into an man I worked with back in our High school and college day. We were not involved back then. Nor are we now. We got together occasionaly for lunch in the company cafeteria. Probably about 3 times per year. Harmles, correct. My h at that time was working out of state. I was not tempted, nor was he. My H returns from the out of state job. Thing are going okay. About a year ago, I notice my H is displaying all the signs of an A. I still don't know if he is or not. Now, I'm lonely, and missing the affection I used to get. I find myself thinking about this male friend. I'm thinking things that I should not be thinking because I am a married woman. What do I do? <p>One, I did not tell my male friend what I'm thinking - 2 reasons there, if he did not feel the same I would be rejected. (I would also be releived). Telliing him is opening the door to go down a path I don't want to go.<p>I have discontinued all contact. (I will probably see him again (he does our taxes)in APRIL. I have not told him about this. I don't know if what I'm thinking is based upon my desire for the affection I lost in my M. - However, recently, I no longer think of the man in those ways, my H and I are as affectionate as we were when we first met. <p>You are putting yourself in a position where something could happen. Something you don't want to happen. You may find yourself looking for excuses to call her. Or she may do the same. <p>You are treading in dangerous waters.

Sue, your post is great. Thank you. I find myself in your situation. My friend is strong like you and will not have an affair. She and I will both limit it to this friendship. As I said, we see each other only every couple weeks.
I do tell her how I feel, praise her and what she does at work and how she is a good person. Not flattery with the goal of getting her to bed, but telling her that I see her very good side that no one else does.
How is that bad

tempted:<p>"But why can't a person have a friend who fills that hole."<p>Okay, I'm not supposed to slam people, particularly newbies here, but: YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR. RIGHT NOW.<p>Please stop trying to rationalize this as a harmless frienship. It's not. It went beyond friendship when you told her you were attracted to her. NOW that you have had an affair with this woman, you can never be friends with her for the rest of your life. Get it? Either this, or you can not be married to your current wife? Get how serious this $hit really is??<p>I'm sorry for jumping on you like this. You do seem to honestly want to help yourself out. But you're also trying to rationalize this as being "okay" when it stopped being that a long time ago.

This is really an affair? I know my friend would disagee. She in fact told me that we both know nothing is going on. That is true

I believe what we are saying is that no one can predict the future. Can you?<p>Whta we are saying is that it's probably not worth the risk.<p>If things go farther, you will most likely regret it. You can't turn back.<p>But you can end it now, before it's too late.<p>It's your choice, but a healthy marriage makes all decisions together. ALL. If this is a decision you won't even ask your wife about, it's probably dangerous.