<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by CMiranda:
<strong><p>
I noticed your trend and you never offer much of anything to help other than sarcasim and volitility, so why bother!? I'm tempted to take a shot at your profession & it's ties to your personality, but I will refrain. I know alot of eng's and I could have fun here but I will not!
Just not seeing why you bother to post.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I kind'a understand where Engineer Bob was coming from. It's actually a pretty good analogy to actively pursuing an EA: Kick over the very obvious ant pile in your path, then wonder why all those ants are biting you. Think "Gosh, those bites sure hurt...wonder how it happened?" <p>CMiranda: I know Tempted appreciates your gentle answers and recriminations. I'm just not able to be so kind to WS who refuse to admit and stop their infidelity. Several people knew about my affair (while it was still EA, mind you), and NOT ONE of them had the guts to smack me on the back of the head and say "Stop it!" I really wish someone - anyone - had made me face the reality of what I was doing. I knew it in my heart, but as long as no one else called the EA what it was, I just continued on...and on to PA.<p>I suppose some of us are just trying to give Tempted that "smack in the head." I, for one, honestly want his marriage to work out and for everyone involved to be happy. That can't happen with his current situation. <p>at peace

My prediction: It's been less than 24 hours, but I bet tempted is gone... ...either that, or he's changed his login name to something like "consummated" [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sorry for the sarcasm, but I agree with those that have observed that tempted's fog is too thick to even understand what's being said to him here.<p>If I'm wrong, I'll be glad.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by at peace:<p>At Peace,<p>I understand where you are coming from and I certainly can empathize with all of the BS's responses here. I think that Tempted needs to hear them all. I am convinced though that much of the reasoning will not have an affect on him right now, in this stage that he is in. I believe that out of my own experience, it would not have worked on me. I did have people tell me to stop it when they seen that I was in an EA although they did not use that term, they recognized my attachement to OM but were not able to get through to me simply because I didn't want to stop. I didn't know what having an affair could do to someone. I may have listeined to somone who had been there and understood how I was feeling and someone who could tell me what I could expect if I continued. At that point, it was all about me. That is where I think Tempted is right now and appeals for his wife or the moral issues will not work. <p>The advice that you and everyone have given him are right when you say that in his current situation, all involved can not be happy in the end. There will be ALOT of unhappiness if he continues and gets in deeper in this relationship.<p>There is nothing wrong with the smacks in the head, please do not think that I'm saying its a worthless attempt. I am trying to approach Tempted from the position that may have helped me all those years ago. It is not as easy thing to reach someone with the facts who is totally love struck. I am hoping that my experience can help him understand that this road has been traveled before and it leads to the same place for most of us. I want to help him avoid what I know he is setting himself up for. It really is about just him right now, from the ws perspective. <p>Maybe the mix of slaps and gentle caring will reach him. I want to help just one person not go through what we did.

I agree, CMiranda. It's all so very sad. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] We see the train coming while he's standing on the tracks; we're yelling and waving our arms warning him of what's about to happen, but he just stands there.....<p>I pray something sunk in and this won't end up as another tragedy. <p>Lori

I want to point out that no matter what Tempted does, a thread like this is valuable, if nothing else, how many times do we see this many posters in absolute agreement? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thinking "I'm different, this is special" while behaving badly is very enticing. Hopefully we can recognize this behavior pattern, if it happens, or happened, to us.

Lor:<p>I agree completely. Even the Pet Rock thread had some merit. It got a bunch of us talking.<p>I get the most out of the real situations, though. I just hope that tempted's was real, not contrived, and that the feedback sunk in a bit.

Could this person really be MMSeekingAdvice in disguise? Or his evil twin? Surely he doesn't think anyone is going to support the direction he's taking. I notice he's disappeared. Seems like somebody else we know....

I realize that some of the people on here are bitter over their circumstances, but why the general mood of anger.
I don't get on the board for a day and I am accused of being someone else, of "disappearing." Or my situation is not real.
It is real.
A few of the posts, particularily CrMiranda and Jr have been thought provoking, and I wish there was a way I could talk directly with you.
I'm wondering if I am making too big a deal about this friend of mine. I saw her on Thursday and talked with her for all of two minutes in a parking garage and have not heard from her since. I might not talk with her for another week.
That doesn't seem like an affair does it? Maybe the passion I felt for her came out on the board, but it did not reflect reality in terms of how often we see each other.

Fine. Do what you want. Seek affirmation. We'll see your wife here in a few month or years. Whatever.

Tempted --
The vast majority of posters on this board are betrayed.

And if you do any reading or research you will find that this is one of life's most painful experiences.

They are desperately trying to keep you from making a mistake, and causing your wife unmeasurable pain.

Just look at how many people have reached out to you! They care. And they're trying to help (even though right now you don't understand it).

You're trying to justify. And that doesn't sit very well with those who see through it.

And you situation is not unique, even though it feels that way to you. Take some comfort in the fact that you're not alone. And if you want to use the tools and resources here -- you can build your marriage into one that has no need for outside people.

Is it possible for you to change your focus to that? To try to use some of the tools here to enhance your relationship with your wife?

Just leave things alone with the other woman for now. Everyone here is alarmed and afraid of the feelings you are expressing for her -- too many of us have heard those words before.

Can you start with analyzing your Emotional Needs? Maybe see if your wife is falling short in meeting some of them? Work with her! Maybe by doing so, your feelings for this other woman will fade.

Are you willing to try? You've got a lot of people her who would love to coach you and help you!

Tempted-like you, my H also thought his 'friend' could remain just that. But they went from talking to being in MY BED. Unfortunately, she was also my former best friend. As for situations preventing sex, don't fool yourself. They made out in my H's office for crying out loud, where her H could have walked in at any minute (he's my H's partner).

If you read Torn Asunder, it explains why emotional affairs usually turn into physical ones. It also explains how devastating the emotional ones are to a marriage.

If you are serious about caring for your wife, tell her what you're feeling. Go to counseling. Work thru this together.

Good luck

Tempted,
Maybe you are confused about the board forum name of Infidelity? We are against it, not for it.

According to Dr. Harley's materials, and the experienced posters who have written to you, whether they are WS, BS or OP, you are engaged in a form of infidelity, betrayal of your wife and the vows you made.

Though there are a few angry and/or snide posts for the most part you are mistaking heartfelt disapproval of your behavior as anger.

If you want approval for having this "special" friend, there are sites that encourage & support affairs, this isn't one that does.

You are also welcome to stay and disagree that your actions are just fine and you can't change your behavior, but you won't wear us out to agreeing with you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

We've seen the end result of too many "special" friendships...the divorces or rough recoveries or somewhere in between, the counselors, the withdrawal, the STDs, the loss of trust & love, the anti-depressant meds needed to survive the pain--on either side of WS & BS.

But, some of us have to make our own mistakes, we can't learn from others. Your choice.

Here's a thought: why don't you read through all the responses you've received so far and actually respond to the questions you've been asked? How about putting some serious effort into thinking about this situation? Some real introspection? Instead of responding defensively when you don't get responses that agree with yours, try analyzing yourself to figure out why you feel defensive.

If that doesn't help you cut through the self-induced fog you're swimming in, email me your wife's phone number. She's going to need a "friend" pretty soon, and I know about this guy that my x ran off with. She told me for 4 years that he's a good "friend" too, so maybe they could all be "friends".

Hey Tempted,

Its good to hear from you. I have to say one thing first off. I came to this site by mistake. I wasn't necessarily looking for help to fix my marraige. I was looking for answers regarding whether to stay in it or walk away and whether or not I should actively pursue OM into a "real" relationship. Its been a struggle and this site has helped me to understand myself and the nature of all affairs, not just my own. They are all very similar just as human behavior is.

Okay, having cleared that up. I hope you continue to come here for as long as you need to in order to help you in your path of finding out what it is that you are looking for in your life. You will hit up against some sarcasim, like me, you will have to be tough enough to wade through it. Many of the betrayed here will have kind words of wisdom and will give you some perspective that you most definetely should consider.

See, the thing is about making a too big a deal out of this frienship is that I believe the emotional affair starts out in your head. Mine did. I thought about him constantly, day dreamed about him, replayed our conversations, analyzed his words, figured out reasons to have to call him into my office or on the telephone, noticed what he was wearing everyday (but not the other 300 other men I worked with) etc. I could go on and on. The reality is that these emotional connections to our love interest, and the disconnection from our spouses, begin in our mind. So no, I absolutely do not think you are making too much of it. Don't you think she notices? It may seem like only you notice, but I can guarantee that is not the truth. You W will notice you becoming distant and OP will see how interested you are. And it works both ways. She will notice and she will react in kind. This is how it all starts.

My OM and I had googly eyes for eachother and even our collegues noticed it. It starts out slowly and becomes insidious, invading your life in ways you did expect it to.

I sense that you are anxious about when the next time you will get to talk with her or see her. I've been there. I used to jump out of my skin waiting for my next fix. That would be OM. Running into him in the hallway, creating technical emergencies that were really just little problems that didn't need his attention, but he jumped to help and I called all the time. Like I had mentioned, that was 7 years ago. Hindsight really is 20/20. I didn't see quite the same then and I know that you honestly are confused by this. It was all innocent in my eyes in the beginning. Why, who the heck were we hurting I would have asked? I believe you are very confused and I would be glad to talk with you. Do you have an email address? If not, I can send mine to the moderator and let them know that if you inquire, to please give it to you. Let me know if you'd like me to.

I am on the other side of it. But as someone already said, the pain is extreme for the wayward spouse and the other person in the waywards life, not only the betrayed person. It is setting yourself up for alot of heartache and that is what I hope you will consider. It's like any relationship at first, it feels great. You feel happy and have something to look forward to again. Its been so long since you may have felt that way and it is hard to deny something that feels so good. I know how it feels but I can promise you that you will come down from that eventually. There is alot of jealousy, frustration, and longing that will cloud your happiness and I want you to be aware that this is true in nearly all affairs, not just mine. Sharing someone that you love is not going to make anyone of us happy. You think it won't move beyond this point? Do you believe that if she were to pick up on the fact that you love her and she fell for you, that you two would not move beyond "just friends"? One more thing for me to throw in here... how long does it really take to have some good, passionate SF? In an affair, no place is sacred. Hell that parking garage will do. The first time OM kissed me, it was in a parking lot, getting into our cars after a few drinks together. Do you know that for a few minutes we forgot all about the fact that we were standing out in public, not a mile from work, where we take our co-workers to lunches, and the headlights from the main road where all shining on us. Ask me if we cared at the very moment??? Follow where I'm going here?

Dear Tempted.
In my humble opinion, I think you are acting like an ignorant swine. How high is your comprehension level? Have you read any of this information yet? If not, please do so before you make any decisions.

CMiranda - is your story posted on this site somewhere? My situation right now sounds identical to yours 7 years ago. I would really appreciate reading any of the advice you received while working through ending the A. I am having a really tough time right now and you seem like the only one who understands how it is to be the WW. The thing that scares me is that you say that you are still having difficulty with it. Will it ever get better?

CrMiranda, that last post you wrote was as if you were reading my mind. That is exactly the state I find myself in. Thinking about my friend, wating to talk with her, all those kind of things.
Someone else asked if I have been reading the posts and doing the work. I have. I simply can not figure out what it is about this woman that seems to be filling some kind of hole in my life.
She is not stroking my ego. She is not making me feel young and powerful. She is not making me want to have sex, as if I somehow am missing the parade.
There is just something about her personality that clicks with me. It is not that my wife is doing anything wrong, or that something is lacking. She just adds something to my life.
You mentioned that if she knew my feelings it could spin out of control.
Maybe you can answer this better than others, CR. I don't want it to spin out of control and start a fire that consumes my life and hers. She does know how I feel about her -- feelings of love and soulmate and all that kind of stuff.
I would think that if she felt that way about me it would have spun out of control months ago. Since it hasn't, I think we can remain as friends, even I do have feelings of love for another person.
You have to wonder if any spouse can fill all the needs in a person. She obviously fills something in mine.
If no one finds out, if it remains as good friends, what is the harm?

CR, if you do have an email address, send it to the moderator. I would like to talk with you. It is like you are female version of myself and I think you can relate and help me

Hello Neverthought,

My story isn't posted in any one place here. I never started a thread and asked for help. I had inadvertently hijacked a thread or two but that is about all. It is difficult as a WS to start a thread such as Tempted has here. It isn't that the BS's can't help us WS, but like anything else, it helps to talk with someone who feels the same things that we feel and have been there and done that. I can understand completely.

I will try and help you in any way that I can. It may have been 7 years ago that it started, but I remember like it was yesterday. I am still having difficulty with the endings part. How long have you been in your situation? Can you share more?

I don't know the answer to your question really. I have not progressed far enough ahead to tell you when or if it gets better. It still hurts like HELL. The A ended technically 4 months ago, that was when we said our goodbye and stated intention for working on ourselves and our marriages. Circumstances helped give us the kick in that direction, but nonetheless, this is where I am right now.

CMiranda - my story is in bits and pieces also under general questions. As a matter of fact, I just updated a few minutes ago. The whole story has not been written and when I have the time and the emotional strength to do it, I will write it all. My EA started 6 months ago, PA 4 months ago and to be truthful, the A is not yet over. Long story, but I seem to constantly lose my resolve. I am weak and his pull is so strong. But at this point in time, I haven't seen or heard from him in a week and that hurts. I want to be over this and move on - but you have to understand that I have not told my husband. It would hurt him so much and I am determined to get through this without that. I know that is not what people on this forum advise, but right now I just can't do it. I really appreciate your reply and hope that maybe we can help each other through this hell. Nothing is worth the pain I'm feeling right now...