an update for anyone who knows my story - My H was leaving for the Army Reserves for 2 weeks and told me that he would let me know what he wanted when he got home. Before he left he actually told me that 70% of him wanted to leave and 30% wanted to stay.<p>Well to make a long story short (or shorter) he came home last week on friday and everything was wonderful - we had great SF and he actually really kissed me for the time in a long time and the weekend was great - I had decided to just go on like nothing was wrong and wait and see if he said anything. He didnt want to go back to work on monday after he got home so we both played hookie from work and spent the day doing stuff around the house. Then he went back to work - the mood went down hill and by thursday I was in a state of worry again, by saturday night i was a basket case but trying not to let him see it, he called me because he had to work late and wanted me to pick up the kids and I made some comment about how we needed to find him a new job because he seemed so much happier when he wasnt there and he said "well, its this that and a bunch of other things" so saturday night he helped his brother move and when we went to be he just rolled over and started to goto sleep, I was upset because I was leaving sunday to go on a business trip and wont be home until Thursday - i just started crying, he got kind of angry and told me he was too tired to deal with me and I just told him that i needed to know if I had anything to worry about -He told me NO and that I needed to relax.<p>So now I'm in Texas and hes in Michigan taking care of the kids, I still dont know where his mind is but last night we IM'ed for about 2 hours and he told me that he still doesnt know what he wants but that no matter what happens he will always be there for me and that he doesnt understand why I love him that he doesnt give me what I need or want - I told him that I love him the way he is and sure I would love a little more affection but for the most part he is a wonderful H. He told me that he just didnt feel comfortable showing affection. another comment was about how i'm like my dad and he is like his mom which is bit*hy and dishonest. I said that the fact that he can admit he is dishonest frightens me because he wants me to trust him again but its really hard when he says things like that and he honestly said he didnt think I would ever be able to trust him again. He is not seeing the OW (but they do work in the same shop) but they dont talk - she called it off right after d-day. He also told me that right now his is 50-50 on wanting to stay and leave.<p>Ok - so I'm looking at this as he is improving but am I kidding myself? is he just feeding me aline of bull to make me relax or is he being honest - I like to believe this is honest and maybe we are on the road to recovery but how do you really know?<p>[ June 25, 2002: Message edited by: rdvpmm ]</p>

Hi,
You do need to relax over this. Yes I know this is harder to do than to say. <p>My h had an A on my 7 years ago, we split, got back together, married 5 years ago this coming December. For 4 of those years I was always uptight about his past A. Always worried. Always angry and resentful. That negative was driving us apart. About 6 times he threatened to leave in teh first 3 years. The last year he stopped threatening. He just wasn't around much when I was home. I did the snooping and guess what I found, he calls the xow, or is it current ow daily. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> There was other numbers. A friend showed me how to do a reverse look up. I found one for a financial institution, looked that up on net, she is listed as an employee <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> . Ready to kick him out. After 3 days of crying, screaming at my windshield, thoughts of despair, I found MB. After reading a few things here, I WOKE UP. I see how my anger contributed the the current situation. I lost the anger, how, not exactly sure except I knew that if I didn't, my M was DOOMED for sure. I made a real effort to be nicer to him, not exessively voice my insecurities, showed him affection. I don't know for sure where it is at with him and her, but I do know that with us, things are better. He even shows me affection now. My H used to tell me to relax too. <p>At this point in time, go with the 50-50. Relax, be the woman he met and fell in love with. Maybe it will change to 90-10,(90 - he stays) then 100-0. You will know. I shared my story with you because I don't want the anxiety you feel to change the 50-50 to 30-80.<p>Take care

thanks Sue - I know I need to relax - and to be honest I do really good for a few weeks and then I lose it when he goes into a funk. <p>I have been making comments under my breath about stupid things like "I'm going to make sure my next H is rich" or "if I dont have sex with you - you'll just going to find it someplace else" so last night he told me that he has heard some of these comments and that he isnt going to live that way - I told him that this is kind of my defense system and I dont want him to leave but I have to try to find a way not to care so much so when he does stuff that hurts me it wont hurt as much - does this make any sense? I told him that I would stop and I have to admit that fact that they bothered him enough to say something makes me feel a little better, in the beginning of all this he told me that he really didnt care what I did or even if I found OM.<p>[ June 25, 2002: Message edited by: rdvpmm ]</p>