Hubby and I have been doing great. We are about 2 weeks from that full blown year mark. Yesterday evening he told me that he is having a really bad OM week. I asked why and he said he didn't really know. Later he said, do you know what this week is? I said no. He said this is the week I found out. Well, I didn't really know because it wasn't until July 14 that everything really came out. So, he is still doing pretty good, but I know this is hard on him. Any thoughts on what I can do to help him through this? Thank you in advance for your insights.

Love, understanding, patience, communication, lots of TLC (kisses, hugs, a pat on the butt and a seductive wink [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ), reassurance...maybe a little spoiling?? He'll get through this and feel WONDERFUL to have weathered the storm!

tutter,<p>hope4future was right on the mark I could not have said it better myself! Spoiling and extra attention work best for my H when he is having those kind of days. <p>DU

Tutter, <p>He is remembering and (probably trying not to) re-feel the pain that went very deep. The dates are triggers for him. and he is depressed.<p>I'm a BS. IMHO, he needs reassurance that he is the center, the important center, or your life and love. SF won't be enough, words, actions, talking, saying how glad you are to be with him, and saying it eye to eye, how glad you are he is staying with you through all the work to recover, how the work is paying off with results, etc.<p>When my WS started her first NC with OM, I could see a sparkle in her eye when she spoke to me,one that had not been there for a long time, there was just simply a different demeanor in her actions toward being with me...ME. Show your husband this sparkle, be in love with him and show it. A simple example: he says,"want to get get a bite to eat?" you say, "Ok, let's go." OR you say, "I'd like that, lets go." Which tells him you want to be with him?<p>H4F is right, showing more affection will show him how you feel, but please remember to stay senstive, he is reliving the visions and the hurt, your affection will have to break through all of it to be effective.<p>Another thought, men sometimes like to go into their caves to be alone to be depressed and will talk when they are ready. It would be nice if they (we) did actually go somewhere, but in reality they could be in their caves while sitting next to you. It seems you have good communication because instead of going to his cave, he told you he was feeling down and why.<p>Stay with the sparkle, it can melt icebergs....<p>Good luck
DRS

Thank you all so much. Looks like I am on the right track.<p>General rule of thumb - I try to, at least a couple of times a week, voice how much he means to me (he means the world to me, he is my life, etc.), and when I can see that he is having a particularly rough day I try to really get that point across with affection and face to face words. I love to look him in the eye and tell him how very important he is to me and how very much I love him and ONLY him. <p>Now, here is the rough part, he counters it sometimes (most of the time) with negative. E.g., I tell him how sexy he is, and he'll say no he's not. I tell him he is the most wonderful man, and he says no he's not. Usually I just let him say that and do something like hug him or kiss him or simply say well I do. Is there something that would have a better effect, or is this the right approach?<p>He is my world and I tell him that alot, on the phone, face to face, in actions and words. Sometimes he just seems to really feel that he's nothing special, and I know he is.<p>Again, thank you for the responses. I know I haven't been around much lately, but I have been lurking, and it looks like this week I'll be posting maybe a bit more. I help when I can, and I appreciate all the help I get from everyone. Thank you so much.<p>Take care all, and good luck in your roads ahead.

Oooooh I hate that! My hubby does that to me too. And...gee...I've been guilty of it myself [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Some people are TERRIBLE compliment takers. I think when they say something like that...it's a hook to try to get a few more affirmations in. Oh oh! ISSUES! Ah well...not really the time to deal with those.<p>I bet once you're over this hump...things are going to get steadily better. This is a biggy...but you'll make it!<p>Hey...I've got some questions on your pool too. Hubby and I have been looking in to something and would love to get some opinions. I'll email you sometime at your ivillage acct if that's ok?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Now, here is the rough part, he counters it sometimes (most of the time) with negative. E.g., I tell him how sexy he is, and he'll say no he's not. I tell him he is the most wonderful man, and he says no he's not. Usually I just let him say that and do something like hug him or kiss him or simply say well I do. Is there something that would have a better effect, or is this the right approach?<p> <hr></blockquote><p>Tutter, I have this same problem with my H. He wants to hear those things, he tells me he does, but when I do I a lot of times get some sort of negative. It's typically when he is in one of those modes where I can tell he's thinking about the A that he will do it. So we end up going round and round... I've asked him what I can do to help when he is in this mode, he says tell me you love me and and give me a big hug and a kiss, reassure me. I tell him I have tried that, and I still get negative. I told him you don't seem to realize when you are mad, you are determined to stay that way until you've screamed, yelled, called me every name in the book and caused your blood pressure to go thru the roof. Then you can calm down and talk. It makes it very hard to approach him...<p>I am also nervous about when the anniversary time frame comes up, I'm sure it will be a major trigger.

Hope, e-mail me any time. My parents have had a pool for years, and ours is up and doing very well. We've been in it a lot this week (the temps. have been high 80's and low 90's). I'd gladly be of help if I can.<p>tutter13@ivillage.com - just in case you needed it.<p>Talk to you later.

Tutter, <p>I read somewhere that when a person counters a compliment it is because they may be insecure about themselves in the area of the compliment and feel they don't deserve it. Whether that feeling is justified or not, its how they feel.<p>"you're looking good", "but I'm to fat..."
"you're very sexy", "No I'm not "<p>We are all taught to be modest, so there is a hint of modesty in there also.<p>If there is an insecurity, I think a better approach is to work on the insecurity, by talking about the good RESULTS of whatever. Showing whatever they did had a positive effect and should be done again.<p>A friend of mind who compliments people regularly will sometimes tell them "now just say thank you " before they can be modest and in essence, reject the complement.<p>Sometimes no words can be effective. for example, he is dressed in a good looking way, look at him, when he can see you are looking at him, up and down from head to foot, and wink with a smile.<p>When he hugs you goodby or hello, as he starts to let go, let your hug linger....just briefly so he will notice...as though but not really saying "I wanted YOU to be hugging me"....<p>Keep giving compliments when you feel like giving them, or they may seem fake.<p>Take care<p>DRS

Tutter,<p>One last thing that I think you are doing. Make sure you ask him how he is doing and would he like to talk. In other words, bring him into talking about what has him down. Yes, it is the discovery, but what exactly. As you talk about it, you take the sting of it away. If you initiate these discussions it helps bring down the defenses.<p>As for the compliments, don't argue with him. Just tell him that is the way you feel about him and no comment on his part is required. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It seems you are doing well Tutter, keep up the good work.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thank you all so much. I seem to be doing most of what you are suggesting. I just there was a way I could help insecurities more. <p>He's a wonderful man, and I just hope he knows it.<p>Thank you for all the insights. I will keep up the positives I've been doing, and remember all you have offered me. I will be sure to keep you posted as well.<p>I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the people here. You are all so kind. Thank you.

Hi Tutter,
I don't think that I ever have posted to you before. But your post made me wonder about my situation.<p>Has your Hubby ever had any bad days before? Mine really hasn't. I always ask him if there is anything that he needs to talk about or if he is doing okay. And he always tells me that he doing fine and will let me know if something comes up. <p>We have even brought it up in therapy. I truly believe he is doing okay. He did have one trigger a couple of weeks ago and we talked it over, other than that he does well. All in all things have gone exceptionally well for us, and our marriage has improved in all areas. <p>I guess I am just wondering if I can let my guard down. I think that he would like me to. But I still worry about flashbacks. Do you think I should stop asking him if he's okay and just let it be?<p>D-day anniversary for us is the 1st of Oct. I am worried about that too. <p>If you have any thoughts, or if anyone else does, I would appreciate hearing them. <p>BTW, I think you are doing just fine. I'm so glad things are going well for you too.
1step

Hi 1step. Thanks for posting. I think it is good to ask if they are ok. If he seems bothered by it just explain that you care about him and his feelings and you want him to know that. <p>Now the hard part - don't push or over pry. If he says he's ok or fine, leave it at that. My therapist told us that if something is botherin him and he's says nothing is bothering him then he owns those feelings and it's way out of my hands at that point. All I can do is ask and offer to listen. <p>Sounds like things are going well for you too. Glad to hear it. I think we can both feel safe, but to let our guard down in some aspects may be something we should never do, if that makes sense. We must always remember how we got where we were, and how much we hated the person we had become. It will keep us on our toes and make for a better and brighter future with our DHs.<p>Hope this helps. Good luck to you and take care.

Tutter,
Hi! Thanks for responding. I will always be available for DH. And as far as letting my guard down. I agree with you. This has been a lesson that I will NEVER forget, and I am learning from my mistake EVERY day!
1step

Tutter,
What would make ME feel the very best, and the most secure in my M would be actions/words that tell me I'm number 1 for her.<p>It can be a simple as the look, smile when he comes in, to making decisions that show he and the M come first.

Thanks Spacecase, for taking the time to respond. I think I do those things, and often too, but I will be sure to pay attention and make sure of it. He and my M are #1 (as well as our son). Thank you again. My best to you.

Tutter - <p>I think most of the responses you have gotten suggest special attention and/or affection you should give to your H to help him. Don't forget - us guys see affection differently than you women. For us, sex is the big affirmation that our spouse loves and wants us. My humble suggestion is to give him the kind of affection he will understand and truly appreciate [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] !<p>Good luck and have fun!!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Gib

Oh yes, definately, that is on our list of daily activities. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Sex is wonderful at my house, and not only do we obviously enjoy it together, I often voice how wonderful it is.<p>Wow, sounds like I'm on the right track. Now, hopefully with all the right things, a little time here, and he will get past this week with minimal pains. <p>Thank you for being so open in your response. It's always great to hear from the guys, especially in instances like this. <p>Thank you all for responding. You guys are great.

DAILY?????<p>Would you be my DW's IC....Pleeeease?<p>Keep up the good work! Or is it keep the good work up? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Gib

No problems keeping it up! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Usually, unless one of us is unusually tired. I'd say average 5 days out of 7. We do have a great sex life. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]