I believe I have asked this question before, but I'm really concerned here. My SIL (husband's sister) is dealing with some major problems, and has no one but me to talk to. Quick recap:<P>SIL is 27 years old, married for 5 years to a police officer, he's already been involved in one affair (2 years into the marriage) that supposedly produced another child (no paternity test yet), left her, came back, reconciled. Then just 6 months ago, left again, SIL found out that he is living in his own apartment (he has two other part time jobs that would account for his not being at home all the time, and she found this information by evidence in his police car). Called the number she found in his wallet (that listed the place of residence) and heard a young girl say that this residence was the place of her husband and the girl he's now living with (she found out when she called, he worked with this girl - 18 years old). The girl he has lived with (and this was presumed by my SIL as a rent only type of arrangement to her) is now pregnant. My SIL is strapped with bills, and has a very non-supportive "separated" husband who doesn't tell her the truth in regard to what's really going on, and I'm at a loss. I've given her (since she now has the internet) this web site addy, and suggested she speak to an attorney, and she did, and her attorney stated that she is better off now than in a legal separation (more money now than if she were to seek a divorce). She loved this guy with all of her heart, the one and only person she's ever dated, and she's going through some major pain. She won't seek counseling, she's at an impasse now, just waiting, and it seems to me that she's going downhill fast, I really want to help her, guys, and have tried. Any suggestions, please?<p>[This message has been edited by Madelyn (edited September 11, 1999).]

Madelyn -<P>You know I read this and thought that it <BR>seemed real familiar...so I went back <BR>and saw it on one of my posts.<P>Seems I owe you one heck of an <BR>apology!!! I never responded after we <BR>had begun talking about this. I have no <BR>idea what I must have been filling my <BR>brain with at the time but there is no <BR>excuse and I am veeeeerrry sorry!!!<P>You should have cussed me out!!!!<P>So, the lawyer says that her financial <BR>position is better now.....does she <BR>work? If not, can she? Is there any <BR>prospect of additional income?<P>What is her desire as far as the <BR>marriage? Does she finally look at the situation realistically? Why won't she get counseling? Will she come here?<P>I'd like to help if I can!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba..<P>You do not owe me any apology at all! You've been going through one heck of a time yourself, and I'm sorry for that, you are such an incredible person, all the support you always give to everyone here. My SIL works (full time teacher's aide, secretary) and she's doing all she can monetarily. She has high hopes of her H and her reconciling, that's her primary focus, when he is living the single life. It hurts me to see her this way, when he says that he doesn't want to hurt her additionally, when (in her words that he told her) he is being propositioned by women, and he doesn't know if he can turn them down. And this new revelation of this girl that he was living with being pregnant, although at this time not confirmed that it's his. She is hanging onto hopes of her and her H coming together, and he is slowly parting from her, being horribly mean to her at every turn (telling her not to call him at all, then telling her to let him know when the kids are sick, and when she does call him under those pretenses, he gets mad for bothering him) and generally just being a complete **** to her. I really care about her, she's a great person, and is always there for me, and I've tried to give her the best advice I have to give, but it's not working. I hope she comes here, I did give her the addy, since she won't go to counseling. The lawyer she sought stated that just going along with the terms her h is imposing is the best financial route at the time, which is scary to me. So now he's paying her above the legal separation guidelines, which if she sought this, would be less. So what's her incentive? She wants him back, and I guess I'm biased in this regard, because I have seen over and over what has happened. She calls him continuously, which in her words, says frustrates him. I've said that it's probably best if she not call him, unless it concerns their kids. I guess a good Plan b is in order..<p>[This message has been edited by Madelyn (edited September 11, 1999).]

Hi and Thank You for your kind words...that still does not excuse my thoughtlessness and I am so sorry..<BR>I might have been able to be communicationg with her all this time and maybe helping her see some things. <P>All I can do is offer that now.<P>She definitely needs Plan B - that's a given!!! <P>Since she won't go to counseling, do you think that she might be persuaded to at least peruse a little here and perhaps email with me? Being that I am a victim of "Copdom" myself?<P>So, she still wants him, huh? That is OK in and of itself but not as a life on "hold" scenario. She has to get herself and the children to a point where life goes on without him. She is not doing a good thing by waiting - accompishes nothing and the children sense it and it is harmful to them as well as herself.<P>Perhaps that is the way to get through to her - the children's sake.<P>I'm glad she works - that's very good. <P>Is her H contributing much and regularly to her and the kids? Do you know of things that can change to put her in a better predicament (Other than her state of mind - we'll have to work on that) like a move or better financial handling and a financial plan?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<BR>

Sheba, ya know, you shouldn't be apologizing, it's been such a help to me to know that someone cares about this situation..!<P>What I'm gonna do is this...suggest to her to come to this forum and relate her own story. But as of now, she is living in the "on hold phase" indefinitely. There's a lot of differences here as opposed to others..like he has told her time and again that he doesn't want to be married, leave him alone, and she's not realizing that right now is the best time for no contact..plan b essentially, like you've said. H does see the kids every Sunday and Thursday (and she takes them to him, and they visit, and then she takes them back home). I suggested some type of intermediary, and she wanted no part of that. Right now, she's living in a house that her H pays for, and she could not afford if he didn't, that's one of the problems here. She is basically ferrying the kids to him when it's convenient for him, not her, and upsetting her own schedule over it, staying home with the kids because they're sick, and not getting any support whatsoever from her H. When he took them last time (supposedly for the day) he returned two hours later and said he couldn't handle it because they "cried too much". Like you said..the children's sake...and this is the reason she says she's still hanging on to this marriage. I am all for her improving the marriage, but not when this guy she's married to does all that he's done to her. If they can come to a point of agreement to make the marriage better and take steps to do that, I think it's great, but he's hostile and mean towards her, not even showing her one ounce of wanting to be with her at all! It makes me mad. I will try to get her on here, and thanks so much Sheba, I really appreciate your input, it's helped me alot <P>Madelyn

Maybe that's the angle we can work on her - She's toooooo accomodating and has to shake him up!!!<P>What do you think? <P>I can give her some encouragement with sharing my own nightmare cuz H did that to me (while still living home) and I can share what I have done to move out of wait mode......It really accomplishes nothing!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Hit the nail on the head! Way too accomodating...she doesn't want to "be mean", meaning that she doesn't want to create waves. She's a VERY sweet person, and she feels for some reason that if she doesn't do everything within her boundaries of making things comfortable for her separated H, that she's not doing her part somehow. Shaking him up is exactly what's needed here. If she could understand that others are out there that went through this, and what they did to overcome it, I think it would be a big help to her. You know, she's always the type that has a smile on her face and love for everyone (like my H) and is too trusting. That's one of the reasons I care for her so much. She's a special person, and should not be treated this way, and it does piss me off that this guy is doing this to her! I think it would be great for her to talk to you (regarding wait mode)...just hope I can convince her to come here..

I'm going to bed soon but wanted to tell you to give her my EMail address....it's<BR> <BR>Sheba101@webtv.net<P>Tell her that I have similar circumstances and am just like her with the smile,etc. I think I can really help with this. It takes a lot to crack through being a nice person when you are dealing with the Devils that our H's can become when you add in the cop factor - well, it's that much worse!!<P>See if she'll email me - if she won't come here - I won't bite!!! I promise!!! LOL!!!<P>She has to talk to someone and if she won't counsel to help sort things out at least this would be a start.<P>Let me know!!!<P>Hugs and I think you're great for caring about her so much!!<P>Sheba

You're terrific Sheba. I will definitely give her that addy...this would be a good start for her. She's in a stage where she seems like she can't see reality, but I think she'll benefit from others. Break it down for her, not that there's no hope, just that there's stages to get there. And I'll let her know that there are some really great people that have gone through this, and can be of help. It's easy to say over the computer, but really hard to relay what you feel, but I truly appreciate what you've done tonight for me in helping her. I can't say that enough. Hugs back, and take care.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Madelyn (edited September 12, 1999).]